| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:48:45 PM | I have a 4 month old daughter who I've being taking care o my own since she was born. Her father was horrible to me and never cared for her. He denied her and never looked for her, he smokes marijuana and drinks all the time. When I was pregnant he never looked after me or helped me with nothing, he kicked me out and treated me really bad. He never looked for the baby until I filed court paper work. Now he wants to see her and I dont know if I should or not. My lawyer says No and my mom says No. But I dont know what is the right thing to do.
My question is Should I let him see her before the court day? | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:50:36 PM | | If you have lawyered up then listen to your lawyer. Personally if my daughter bio dad ever offered to come and see her I wouldn't hesitate. But yeah. If you are in court then listen to your lawyer. Why are you in court now if he's had nothing to do with her? | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:50:59 PM | | He's her father. She has a right to know him. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:45:51 PM | some parents don't appreciate being a parent till they see it slipping away. Eh, i'll give him benefit of the doubt, at his age he's not ready to settle down, just have fun and be wild. But ya he needs to grow up.
If you feel strongly that you want there to be connection, you can always request a supervised visit, so baby isn't alone with him? and document each visit.
have child support garnished from bank account. then he has no choice but to work | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:53:01 PM | | Go after support and ask for supervised visitation if you are so concerned. He has rights as a father. You chose him for the Dad, deal with it. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:02:37 PM | When he is ready to be a dad, he will fight for the rights.
So dont let him. He will grow up faster.
One day he will wonder and when hes ready to BE that man,
He will have to BE that guy that works, quits drinking / smoking
and BE the guy fighting for the child. WHEN he does, dont hold back.
Make it court only.. It will help him in the long run. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:12:17 PM | No, do not let him see the child. What good will 'seeing' her do for him? Is his love contingent upon the child being cute? What if the baby is crabby or has a rash that day? Will Dad disappear once again?
He had 9 months to consider what he wanted. Each day thereafter, when he didn't make contact, his decision was clear. Fortunately, we have laws that say he can just pay and not have contact with his child.
To the posters who say/think children need to know their fathers.....there are many, many children whose lives would have been vastly improved by never having met their biologicals. Disregard the worst (child abusers, addicts, etc.), what about the un-enthusiastic dad whose boredom is palpable? What about the distant, never hugged/smiled dads? Do you have any idea what that kind of apathy might do to a deep-thinking or emotional child?
One extraordinary woman can raise and extraordinary child - are you up to the task? | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:20:39 PM | | Well its a hard call to make...if he is a terrible person. then he should not be in her life.. its one thing to argue .. that a father has rights... but if he is not a good dad or a good person... what favor are you doing the child.... sounds like he is only interested .. to get even with you... i would take the lawyers advice and not let him see her.. if the judge desides then you will have to abide by his rules... like one o.p said request vistation with supervision.... | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:04:27 PM |
Go after support and ask for supervised visitation if you are so concerned. He has rights as a father. You chose him for the Dad, deal with it.
I second this. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:05:38 PM |
To the posters who say/think children need to know their fathers.....there are many, many children whose lives would have been vastly improved by never having met their biologicals.
You cannot know that for sure, because you cannot change what has happened to see a different outcome. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:14:06 AM | | She's four months old? You speak as if by letting him see her it will have a negative impact on her life. When she's four years old, perhaps. What sort of papers did you file? Child support? Because if he is ordered for that, chances are he's getting visitation as well. Or are they for him to relinquish his parental rights? I really hope not. Since this seems extreme four months into your child's life. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:43:45 AM | | While I agree that if you are paying an attorney you should follow his/her advise, I am concerned about your attorney's abilities. Perhaps in your area the laws are different or maybe I'm not understanding the type of court paper work that has been filed. Are you seeking a divorce? Child support? To terminate parental rights? Where I live, even if one parent does not pay court ordered child support, the other parents cannot withhold contact with the child. IMHO, unless he is violent or a threat to the child's or your well-being (by being under the influence), he should not be denied visitation... even if it has to be supervised by you or a third party. I find that parents who manage to keep the other parent out of their kids' lives are the ones the kid grows up to resent. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:07:55 AM | | I filed child support, full custody and restraining order. He was abusive to me. My daughter is only 4 months old but if he starts coming in and out of her life randomly that will be hard for her. He hasn't being around at all... Why now? if he is up to no good.... | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:15:55 AM |
I was pregnant he never looked after me or helped me with nothing,
When I was pregnant with both my kids in a stable relationship their father never looked after or cared for me either! I wonder if I should use that as an excuse to keep him out of their lives?
Speaking to a friend last night about missing my dad who passed away 4 yrs ago, he brought up the fact that he never knew his dad cuz between his mom and father they decided that the dad shouldn't be involved. At 41 it still bugs him that he never knew his dad. I wouldn't ever do that to my children nor give anyone advice to cut dad out of the kids lives.
imo a bad dad is better than no dad at all. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:04:09 AM |
I filed child support, full custody and restraining order. He was abusive to me. My daughter is only 4 months old but if he starts coming in and out of her life randomly that will be hard for her. He hasn't being around at all... Why now? if he is up to no good....
Aha! Mmm-hmm. It has been my personal experience that when a woman tries to tap a man's wallet (even if she has a legal right to do so and he has a moral obligation to aid in the support of his child(ren)) she is messing with what he may care about most. In retalitation he will try to mess with what she cares about most. If he is anything like my oldest daughter's father, he'll tire of the game playing soon enough and disappear from your lives... along with the child support. Good luck. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:29:12 AM | When I was pregnant with both my kids in a stable relationship their father never looked after or cared for me either! I wonder if I should use that as an excuse to keep him out of their lives?
What kind of man in a stable relationship doesn't look after his pregnant wife/girlfriend? | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:58:46 AM |
What kind of man in a stable relationship doesn't look after his pregnant wife/girlfriend? futureshock, I can't help but think you've led a pretty sheltered life. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:01:02 AM | | take it from someone in the same boat..i was with my ex, i got pregnant then alot of things started comming out of the woodwork. he was a druggie & abuser didnt give a shite if i had nothing to eat all day as long as he got what he wanted he was happy. 2 months into my pregnancy he told me he couldnt be with someone who was pregnant...only later to find out that he has 2 kids with his ex that he keeps going back to...she takes him back even tho he beats her...needless to say if he were to come around now...btw im due in 8 weeks i wouldnt give him the time of day...why would i want someone who walked out once whos drugs and boys are more important around my kid..no thanks better to have no father than a deadbeat father | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:28:18 AM |
Her father was horrible to me and never cared for her. He denied her and never looked for her, he smokes marijuana and drinks all the time.
So this also begs the question...
Why on earth did you get pregnant by this guy...? | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:02:50 AM | Futureshock and mchurch, I just have to say this and I'll try to not be as offensive as y'all sometimes come off whether you intend to or not.
Everyone's experiences are not YOUR experiences. Also everyone does not think like you think. People make bad decisions and mistakes. They try to move forward in a relationship and make it better by doing things like having babies or they screw up their birth control and in the end that just makes it worse or involves an innocent child in a screwed up mess. It doesn't make them bad people and, hopefully, they learn and grow and get by in theis world. But your snide remarks about things in the past that cannot be changed don't bring a f***ing useful thing to the table. Give it a rest. Thank you. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:59:24 AM |
People make bad decisions and mistakes. They try to move forward in a relationship and make it better by doing things like having babies
No... forgetting where you parked you car at the mall is a stupid mistake...
Having a baby in a dysfunctional relationship to try to make it better is bordering on negligence... as you said, "involves an innocent child in a screwed up mess."
Windroper, your own words in another thread:
I've been with men who earned very little and I've lived in dives. I've been with men who made decent money but drank/drugged/gambled/whored much of it away. I've been with men who worked in lucrative fields but they really weren't too into working. I was with one mfer who didn't think I had a right to question where the money went
You also said you'd been married 4 times...
hopefully, they learn and grow and get by in theis world.
Apparently people don't always learn.... and some people will go and make the same mistakes over and over if someone doesn't get them to wake up and give their head a shake... wasting most of a life to figure out what they should have known at the beginning is not what I call "learning, and growing and getting by"
Or shall we wait until the OP is a single mom posting about how unfair the world is and how shallow men are just because she's a single mom with a drug-addicted, boozing Ex... and they don't want to date her... maybe it's too late to help her now, but maybe she might think a bit more before fcuking the next guy....
I find it fascinating that none of the 'bad sides' of these guys come out until the woman gets pregnant... Heres a thought: Get to KNOW the guy before you get pregnant.... if they didn't see this behaviour before they got pregnant they didn't know the guy well enough to breen with him...
Just think, if she and the baby are really lucky, they will end up with a proverbial 'nice guy' that will end up paying for and raising the 'bad boy's' sperm deposit... Rinse and repeat....
Give it a rest. Thank you.
And finally, I pick and choose to what I respond to, and how I will respond to it... you have no say in what I post.... I don't tell other people what they can or cannot post... I expect the same courtesy in return.... | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:11:44 PM |
Having a baby in a dysfunctional relationship to try to make it better is bordering on negligence... as you said, "involves an innocent child in a screwed up mess."
(sarcasm font) Let's drag em out into a public square, stone em and sew their twats shut... the irresponsible, horny b****es and bas****s! How DARE they!
What's done is done. Get the f*** over it! You don't have to live with the consequences!
You also said you'd been married 4 times...
What's your point? That I don't learn? Do you think your self-righteous smugness and insulting me or anyone else is going to TEACH anyone anything? We figure these things out ourselves... maybe with the help of family, friends or counselors... of which you are none of the above.
And you certainly can say whatever you want to whoever you want in whatever manner you want. If you wanna be the big, bad, judgmental pr*** of POF, that's your business too. | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:23:14 PM | Do you think your self-righteous smugness and insulting me or anyone else is going to TEACH anyone anything?
Actually, I dont insult people on here, (at least, not intenionally)...
And personally, I don't care if they learn or not... I just want to make them think...
You don't have to live with the consequences
No? maybe not right now. However, if she ends up on the 'system' it will be my tax dollars that help to pay for her lifestyle and her kid.... And I do mean that "my tax dollars" quite literally... she's in the same town, provice and country as me... maybe I'll get to help fund a daycare for sinlge moms out of my next tax increase....
Oh yeah, and as I said, "rinse and repeat" as the cycle keeps going... sinlge moms end up having kids who often become single moms too.... Seems to me no one learns anything.....in the Op's words "Im a single mom myself, and I was raised by a single mom also.I will say that for a child ... "
What's your point?
My point was that some people keep making the same mistakes.... maybe it's a good idea to make them think before they make the same one over and over again... | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:26:04 PM |
My point was that some people keep making the same mistakes..
She didn't keep making the same mistakes....she made 4 different ones!  Right windroper  | |
|
| Should I?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:36:05 PM | | If he smokes pot, have the courts have him drug tested. Not quite sure what will happen when he fails the test, but it can't be good for him. I would definitely ask for supervised visits if he's a drug user and alcoholic. People who abuse drugs are unstable and you never know if he could dissapear with her. As another person pointed out, you don't know if he will be in and out of her life, he might decide his beer and pot are more important to him then she is, so you might want to take that into consideration. You don't want her getting attached and then have him dissapear. The first step though, is to have DNA established, he is not legally her father until the DNA says so, and has no rights until paternity is established. | |
|
Home
login 
