| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 7:46:09 PM | Well, the question is:
Would you rather get into a relationship with someone who recently got diviorced, likely on a rebound, and hope for the best.
OR
Play it safe, and wait for the right opportunity later and risk losing her to someone else?
The reason I ask is because well.. there's someone I really like & attracted to. She got divorced awhile back and back then gave me all the signals to come onto her. Well, I decided to do the right thing ....I thought ... and stayed away and give it some times. Months gone by, I just couldn't wait any longer and decided to make my move. Well, too late, she'd already been seeing someone she works with!! Not sure how long.
I'm really bummed out. All upset and depressed about it and regretting that I have missed my chance. Though I don't know much about her, I'm really attracted to her and like her quite a bit. Yes, I know relationship takes times to get to know one another but every now and then you just have a good feeling about someone and you just had faith that it'll turn out well. I guess this is not one of those times.
What would you do? Go for it and risk getting burned later?
Or wait for the right opportunity and possibly miss out on the joy of being with this person and just miss out on life? | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 7:59:33 PM | | Stop thinking you are Romeo online. leave her alone. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:00:32 PM | Wait. I'm recently divorced, and I wouldn't want to meet anyone truly wondeful right now because I'm not in the place for it. I've dated people since my husband and it was uncomfortable, and most of the time I didn't want to be bothered.
Good things are worth the wait. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:00:47 PM | OP... what is there to "go for" if she is already with someone else???
I suspect that if you hang around long enough, she will be free to date again. What she hasn't bothered to take the time to learn about whatever contributions she made to the failure of her marriage, are most likely going to re-visit her new relationships until she does take the requisite amount of time to get her ducks in a row.
I don't think you made a mistake in giving her the time a wise person coming out of a marriage would take. If anything, that was very respectful of you and it gave her credit for having some good sense. That she up and filled in the spaces has nothing to do with the fact that not only were you respectful but I think you stood a pretty good chance of being the rebound guy. Now, whoever she's with is the rebound guy. Those relationships don't generally last and one of the reasons for that is that they tend to remind the newly divorced person of that first period of time after divorce that tends to be pretty rough on a person.
You might want to reconsider being sad to have missed out on your opportunity to be the rebound guy. If it's worth being tossed on your ear to leap all over your opportunities as and when they appear, then by all means leap but better you get yourself rubberized so that you bounce well at the same time. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:02:02 PM | | As they say "strike while the iron is hot"! You never want to miss an opportunity because it may never come your way again. Live and learn...........yeah, I know.....it sucks. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:12:02 PM | "strike while the iron is hot"! You never want to miss an opportunity because it may never come your way again
"Good things are worth waiting for"
This just sounds like the struggles between good and evil. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:13:09 PM | | I'd rather swim with great white sharks and a beheaded lamb tied to my back than be close to anything I could label a "rebound". | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:18:44 PM | Would you rather get into a relationship with someone who recently got diviorced, likely on a rebound, and hope for the best.
OR
Play it safe, and wait for the right opportunity later and risk losing her to someone else?
The reason I ask is because well.. there's someone I really like & attracted to.
Love, passion, and relationships are not about "logic". In my experience, to deny "today" out of a "fear" that it "might not last" is usually a mistake.
"Logically" somoene just out of a divorce is less likely to enter a relationship that "lasts forever", and if your single minded goal is "happily ever after", by all means, deny yourself, and her, what could be good "today", in deference to "tomorrow".
However, the time to make that decision, IMO, is before you start to get close. Once you feel strong attraction, and a sense of closeness, it seems "wrong" to walk away from what's good now, out of fear that it might not last.
That's me, though. I choose, though, to live in "today", rather than in the unknowable future. Your mileage may vary. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:21:31 PM |
The reason I ask is because well.. there's someone I really like & attracted to. She got divorced awhile back and back then gave me all the signals to come onto her. Well, I decided to do the right thing ....I thought ... and stayed away and give it some times. Months gone by, I just couldn't wait any longer and decided to make my move. Well, too late, she'd already been seeing someone she works with!! Not sure how long.
You missed your chance by doing what YOU considered the right thing...and by the sounds of it, not really knowing anything about her particular situation.
Not everyone going through divorce or recently divorced is at the same point in their lives emotionally...some are not over it for years after the papers are final...some are well over that relationship even before the papers are filed.
Doesn't sound like you gave her an opportunity to even let you know where she was.
Too late now, she's seeing someone else.
Yes, sometimes you just have to take a chance and see how things will turn out....you missed that chance by judging the situation before getting to know her. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:24:00 PM | | I was going to say something like what Silken Fire said, but she beat me to it and she also said it much more eloquently than I could have. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:36:35 PM | Hi some woman! Good to see ya!
True, Silken Fire was eloquent, but I tend to lean a little more toward Janalta...not everyone who is recently divorced is an emotional disaster. Her previous relationship could have been dead long before the divorce papers ever made it to the table. As someone else said earlier, I believe you should always "strike while the iron is hot!"...Or as I like to say, "Seize the day!". | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:46:42 PM | Keep in mind that some people, like myself, have been seperatred for some time prior to the actual divorce. Or they may have been on thier own and are ready for a new relationship without the rebound. I have been seperated for over 8 months now and am ready for a new life. However, that stupid little piece of paper has yet to be signed. Does this mean I'm on the rebound every time I talk to a female???
Heck, as far as I'm concerned some people are ready to find love without the rebound at a very short amount of time. It just depends on thier mentality. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:53:15 PM | Most people out of a relationship have alot of issues they need to resolve before getting into another relationship,, I suggest moving on if you are looking for something serious, if you are just looking for a friend who needs support of a friend and suggestions or someone to talk to, ( you might even get lucky but it wont last ), then stay with it. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:55:47 PM | True, Silken Fire was eloquent, but I tend to lean a little more toward Janalta...not everyone who is recently divorced is an emotional disaster. Her previous relationship could have been dead long before the divorce papers ever made it to the table. As someone else said earlier, I believe you should always "strike while the iron is hot!"...Or as I like to say, "Seize the day!".
 I don't think a divorcing or divorced person has to be an "emotional disaster" to be prudent enough to take the necessary time to deal with the new life dynamics that a newly divorced person often needs to deal with (particularly someone who appears to be under 30 years of age). I only addressed the psychological aspect of her taking time to consider her own contributions to the failure of her marriage but there are many others. We aren't talking about the end of a dating relationship or some kind of fly-by-night situation.
There may be children involved. There are habits and routines shared by the couple to reformat when one becomes single. There are legalities that may survive a divorce for a very long period of time. And IF she was someone who truly cared about her marriage, there may even be a length of time necessary for her to grieve.
I think many of us will automatically assume that a newly divorced person needs some time to work through these many things and since the OP obviously knew of her situation, I think he probably had some good reasons to think she might need some time. While I do agree that some people have been psychologically "divorced" long before the final divorce Order gets processed, there are way too many people who are not.
It's all well and good to say that we're living "in the now" to justify our refusal to strengthen the muscles of self-discipline it takes to trade the heady excitement of running pell-mell toward every opportunity for the rewards that will be more likely to come with delayed gratification but it sure isn't working for a lot of people. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be the rebound guy either. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:08:46 PM | Silken, you are truely eloquent.
My heart wishes that you and Tamees are correct. The truth of the matter is that I don't really know her situation but have reaons to believe that her current relationship was recent to her divorce.
I'm a doer. And so I do regret that I didn't take the opportunity as janalta suggests here, to allow her to let me know of her situation, not sure if I can allow myself to walk away though.
Only hope is that... if it's meant to be, it will be. What a lame duck excuse when there are really no chance at all.
Doing the right thing isn't always the right thing.
The guy who is seeing her, works with her on a daily basis. So he seems to know the situation and takes advantage every bit of it.
Oh regets........... | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:10:59 PM | | Risk getting burned? No, thanks. There are no more places left on my skin for more scalds. If you want to keep getting hurt, you go ahead. She's not ready for anything serious, so steer clear. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:20:05 PM |
Silken, you are truely eloquent.
Thank you but I am not attempting to be eloquent. I just... write the way I write...
Doing the right thing isn't always the right thing.
I see. I was under the impression that you knew enough about this lady to merit what appears to be some strong grief on your part. Perhaps the best I can say to you OP is that if her interest in you had been equal to yours in her, she would have stayed free a bit longer.
While my post may make me appear to be cautious, I will tell you that I have been quite the lil risk-taker in my life. With the benefit of some extensive hindsight, I am well aware of the cost of leaping in with both feet and saying to Hell with the possible consequences.
The guy who is seeing her, works with her on a daily basis. So he seems to know the situation and takes advantage every bit of it.
Oh regets...........
I would be quite interested to hear from you a few months from now about how all of this finally turns out. She leapt out of her divorce into a new relationship with a guy she works with??? Hmmm.... I really hope you'll post again as to whether or not you continue to have those regrets OP. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:31:59 PM | He's a contractor... so whenever the contract ends ..he'll be gone.
I'm not sure if I ever gave her enough indications or any to wait for me.
What she does requires some smarts...and she's very successful... but people who are successful in their career are not always wiser in their personal life.
When you're in the middle of situation like this, you cannot always judge for yourself, so you come here lol | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:34:57 PM | | Not everyone who "just gets out of a relationship" is going to automatically use the next person as a rebound. You had your chance and you blew it. She has someone new, by trying to "get with her" now you're liable to get the beat down by her SO, or at the very least she may see you as one of "those" guys who have zero respect for the fact she in a relationship. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:44:36 PM |
I'd rather swim with great white sharks and a beheaded lamb tied to my back than be close to anything I could label a "rebound
now that is priceless | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:06:02 AM | That's the dumbest 2 options I've ever seen. Well, I'm sure I've seen worse, but still- wow.
If you find someone you're interested in, go for it. You have some wild ideas about being divorced and rebounding, it reminds me of being in HS back in the 80s.
Don't misunderstand- I'm not saying you should go for it now, you had your chance. Dork. You had it, skipped it. Cope. | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:19:10 AM | | What makes you think getting involved with a woman you don't know much about means you just miss out on life? | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:19:58 AM | | If you left her alone when she needed you, you absolutely deserve to have missed out. M | |
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| What Would You Do?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:41:44 AM | If you find someone you're interested in, go for it. You have some wild ideas about being divorced and rebounding, it reminds me of being in HS back in the 80s.
Not too terribly long ago, there was a thread on this forum that discussed whether or not people would get into a relationship with a divorcing or newly divorced person. The general consensus was that most of us would cut a wide swath around anyone who hadn't yet had time to work through the issues inherent in the divorce process. Of course, there were exceptions but they were few and far between. Many of us well remember what we went through in the initial stages of divorce and we know that there is often as much emotional upheaval as there is practical and financial. High school kids and young adults are the ones who tend to run forward into situations they don't fully comprehend and we see them on here in record numbers wondering what the hell happened.
Don't misunderstand- I'm not saying you should go for it now, you had your chance. Dork. You had it, skipped it. Cope.
Hmmm... Who's the dork? The guy who stops to think about where a woman is at before he runs at her or the guy who is so obsessed with his own needs, he stops at nothing to get what he wants?? Hmm???
If you left her alone when she needed you, you absolutely deserve to have missed out. M
Oh man... If he "left her alone when she needed him"?? Are you saying that he shouldn't have used his head or considered that there was a good chance she needed some time to get well beyond her divorce before he tried to date her??? Or that he should have run as soon as she crooked her finger in his direction???
Sheesh...  | |
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