| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:34:19 AM | how the hell do people cope???
i am living back in perth with my 84 year old mom and her 90 year old friend... it has its moments most days! meanwhile my ex wife is living in our house in Busselton with my 2 kids 11 and 13 and nothing much has changed for her aside from me not being there any longer.
i am leading a miserable existence and dont know how to improve my current mindset...
ANY help would be greatly appreciated!
obviously there is moe to the story but am happy to tell you anything... | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:44:24 AM |
i am leading a miserable existence and dont know how to improve my current mindset... This is exactly the answer... you have to adjust your mindset.
Far too many people in this world are living with a sense of entitlement that is based on what the other person has as opposed to looking within them and seeing all the wonderful things that are happening in their lives.
You want the lifestyle, work for it... forget about what the other person has... only you can change your circumstances - there is no bail out plan for personal situations. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:56:57 AM | I have 2 suggestions that transformed me over time as I hear the type of feelings you are expressing and I as well used to be subject to them.
1) Research information on David D. Angelo and do some exploration with the information you find.
2) Research the concept of "The Secret"
Neither of these are immediate fixes, but they are a wealth of theory and concepts that can be used to radically transform the state of your reality to something happier. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:03:00 AM | OP, have you considered joining a support group or getting counseling? It helped me when I was going through divorce. You may also want to volunteer someplace...it really puts into perspective how much you do have compared to others. Maybe you don't have your own home but do you have your health? Sometimes you have to look at it that way.
I have lost much in the past year and I know there were lessons to be learned from it. It has helped me to appreciate my support system of family and friends, and I know my strengths and weaknesses better. So just bear in mind that adversity does build character, and in time this will be the past that you reflect on and learn from!
Good luck to you! | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:57:48 AM | For starters, you're going to have to get over all that bitterness.
No one said this was going to be easy, but you gotta choke it down and get moving. So what she has the house? At 84 your mom is not long for this world, and hell... why not enjoy your time with her! After all, she is the one woman after all these years to still matter. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:06:33 AM |
So what she has the house? At 84 your mom is not long for this world, and hell... why not enjoy your time with her!
Agreed! When I went thru my divorce, there were me and 3 kids, going from shelter to shelter for a while (you can only stay in a shelter for a month).... and he had the house. All my family lives three time zones away - be glad you have Mom there to help you - many of us didn't even have that.
You have a great attitude, OP - you are asking people for help in changing things.... and that will make a ton of difference! Just take it one day at a time, and be the best person you can be in that day, that moment.... then the moments will string together, and make good days, good weeks, etc.... you will do great!  | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:12:13 AM | I concur with the other posts, you can either make the most of the hand that life has dealt, or be miserable. You can still have a relationship with your kids, you have an excellent opportunity to spend some quality time with your mother.
YOU can make a new beginning for yourself by deciding that this is the beginning and not the end. Not long after the split, a couple at church celebrated their 50th. I remember thinking very sadly that chronologically, unless I lived to be close to 100, that could never happen for me. Then it occurred to me that given average life expectancies, if I have another 30-40 years on the planet, years I have no idea at the present time how I am going to fill. If I find the right guy, that is a hell of a lot of anniversaries. So it is all a matter of perspective, I could have either seen my life as half over at 40 or with half remaining. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:30:33 AM | OP, I think all the responses you have so far are spot on! It is all in how you see things! I know there is a period of despair, but you will walk through it, come out the other side, and maybe be happier with you than you've ever been!!!!
Flip a coin...... it comes up either heads or tails. Both sides look much different, but they are the same coin. Depends on what side of the coin you are, is what you see. You can actually move anytime you want........ and see the other side.
Ed | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:35:54 AM | | Make a list of all your blessings. You may only feel you have 2 or so, but try to put down 10. Re-read the list every day for 2 weeks. Also, figure out some things to enjoy doing yourself...go to the public library....take up a new exercise program....volunteer helping the homeless, helping people learn to read...etc. If you ever went to a House of Worship, think about going back. You need to make friends and feel connected to your Creator. A new woman in your life, believe it or not, will not solve your unhappiness problem. She would just bring you new and different problems. You need to do some healing and figure out who you are. And when you visit your children, try to make them happy by telling them you are alright. It will depress them to think you are down. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:57:58 AM | Find something constructive that brings you any source of joy. For me, it was plugging in my headphones and riding through Red Rock park. I jokingly called it "Pedal 'til you Puke" therapy. Every visit I'd try to beat my last time. Before I knew it, I had lost a TON of weight....from my belly and shoulders.
The best thing you can do right now whether or not the two of you are going to try to work it out is to focus on yourself and your children.
Oh and spoil yourself a lil bit! Sleep sideways in the bed... eat Cheetos in your boxers while watching sports.... leave your socks On the hamper not in IN it... ya know the little things you couldn't get away with normally. 
In all seriousness, good luck to you... it's a long road......but I promise you there is a fulfilling life at the end of it. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:12:48 AM | Enjoy doing whatever bugged the crap out of her. Serious I have some sideways pictures just because it would annoy my ex husband.
Then start working out if you don't already. This will change the hormones in your body and becoming happier will be easier. | |
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| life after separation HELP!!!!
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:21:59 AM | hmmm...you DO have some legal rights. Such as living the SAME lifestyle as she is. It isn't "our" house anymore...it is "hers'!" Unless you sell your half (which you are entitled to) to her. Also, you have your mother to consider. I live with 8 old folks here...."has its moments" indeed! Like a lot of them daily!
Rebuilding a life can be a burden...but take the time to do it right, and make sure it is what you want. Make sure you have what is yours with you...don't leave anything of yours at the exes home. Tools, gardening impliments...whatever. Any dispute over it, just walk away and replace it. Unless they are "yours"...like a garage full of tools. If you have to, get a court order and take the cops with you while you clean out the garage of your things...or basement or whatever.
Of course the kids are to be considered.
Enjoy your time with them.
Perhaps you may wish to have the courts decide that you paying the mortagage is plenty of support...don't get into the mindset that you have to fully support her and the kids and get nothing! You have the right to live too! she has to support herself and HALF of the kids too! Legally! Make sure you do it, or you will be kicking your own azz later!
Don't be afraid to date. Anyone.
Get the kids to be with you for weekends, holidays, on outings to the fair or airshow or whatever you are into.
You can be a good parent even if you are not there.
Good luck! | |
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