| Women VS Men "separated" status
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:18:51 AM | I have not done the math but it seems to me:
A vast amount of, primarily, women on these forums have stated they will not date people listed as "separated" . Instead they will only date "divorced".
This can cause all sorts of problems: Lying, etc. However the reasons have been addressed plenty in other threads.
I am not looking for responses to list the benefits of either nor the statements of why someone will not date the "separated" status of he opposite gender.
Questions"
1) Is it women who are more concerned with this?
2) If so that it is women, why?
One point that I believe might be addressed is that in the predominance of cases of divorce the woman is the recipient of the financial rewards as well as custody benefits.
Not to say they are not rightfully deserved as that is for the courts to decide in each case. Rather this might give insight as to a woman's perspective and desire to accept the quick resolution and divorce where as a man might see it differently. The woman often can gain where as the man often losses hence men understand why the long separated process leading to divorce. Whereas women might want to only accept a rapid, closure, short separation period and finish the divorce scenario.
Again this is not true in all cases. I'm talking majority. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:53:47 AM | Did you formulate your results in spreadsheet format? If so... I could sure use a copy of it. Hopefully it is full of charts and graphs. If the data is relevant, I'd be interested in investing and starting a website. Perhaps we could call it:
WomanEncapsulated.com - The Wants & Needs of Divorced & Separated Women: A Contrast in Desire
There would be all the answers a man would ever need. The first page would be a summation of sorts. Something like...
Girls make the rules and boys drule! Naa nuh naa nuh naaa naaa!
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:35:11 AM | I started a thread similar to this a while ago.
It was deleted after it turned into a nasty party. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:44:45 AM | A lot of people go through life wanting a written guarantee...aka a marriage certificate -which we all know isn't much of a written guarantee 
SOME women are looking for a person who will sweep them off their feet and provide everything their little hearts desire....  and if a man isn't legally DIVORCED in their minds he can't give them what they want....
If I were a man, I would view those types of women as controlling, judgemental and perhaps out of touch with reality...because last time I checked...separated is part of the DIVORCE process...
For those of us who are separated and waiting for ink to dry, we understand the process isn't overnight in most cases....apparently SOME divorced women must have memory lapses as to when they were SEPARATED or they went from being married in the morning to divorced in the evening   | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:44:47 AM | As procolharem stated:
I would hope it is not as my intentions are honorable in seeking the genuine responses. It is up to us posters in these forums to keep things respectful in our posts and responses.
Any thread can be guided in different directions.
Perhaps there are enough of us who wish to communicate effectively that we will not let that happen.
I, for one, wish to learn and any well thought out responses may aid in that endeavor.
I trust there are many more of us out there. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:38:34 AM |
SOME women are looking for a person who will sweep them off their feet and provide everything their little hearts desire.... and if a man isn't legally DIVORCED in their minds he can't give them what they want....
Why would a woman need a married man for something like that, when she can get it from single men? Single sugar daddys are also available.
If I were a man, I would view those types of women as controlling, judgemental and perhaps out of touch with reality...because last time I checked...separated is part of the DIVORCE process...
Bitter and sucking down on sour grapes much? Unless those who are separated are actually in the process of the divorce, I would hardly consider separation as part of the divorce process.
Instead of being bitter because people with intelligence, and dignity refuse to date those that are separated, get a divorce. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:55:41 AM | | I think women are more concerned about dating men who are separated. IMO, and it is only my opinion with no scientific evidence to back it up, women are more likely to want a stable LTR. Most men are perfectly happy to live in the moment as long as the moment is enjoyable and has no drama. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:57:20 AM | SirThinkAlot: I have known plenty of separated women who will date almost anyone when they are separated. Once they become divorced, their tolerances and preferences change. They will no longer date separated men. Some may never date a separated man even though they are themselves. Some will not date a man with kids even though they have their own. Others without their own children will welcome yours.
What's good for the goose is not good for the gander.
Basically? The well worded question you have posed cannot be summarized because women have the right to allow what they want when they want it. You, being a man, must meet the requirements of the lady you pursue regardless of what they are. This is the girls rule/boys drool reference I was making in my previous post.
It will always be the rule.
You would not have this question looming over your head if you were divorced. The fact you are separated and the combination of not having a photo posted while you are looking for a long term relationship speaks volumes as to why you are facing this dilemma.
The best thing you could do is:
1st: Finish the terms of your last long term relationship before you think a lot about another one.
2nd: If you are going to shoot for the moon while being separated, post a photo. I've been photo-less before but I wasn't seriously seeking anyone out either. No self respecting woman is going to offer you consideration for hiding with your status.
3rd: Only date people who are in the same boat as you. You'll serve each other better and teach other something.
I've been in your boat before. If I had to do it all over again I would never had dated until I became divorced. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:19:33 AM | I completely understand... I'm separated so therefore I have nothing to offer. The only way you could ever have a fulfilling, loving relationship with anyone is if there is no previous paperwork. That is the key to happiness, doesn't matter whether they seem like the one or not..
Oh.. if anyone needs any cats.. I have a friend at the shelter.. she can hook you all up! | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:13:16 PM | ^^^^^Rushluv
I'm far from bitter, sour or unintelligent, I simply stated a kind of obvious fact, if you live together married and you decide to divorce, you have to SEPARATE...I happen to be separated by 1,500 miles and divorce papers filed and now, simply waiting for ink to dry...I could lie and put divorced; but that wouldn't be nice now would it?
Depending on where you live, sometimes there is a mandatory amount of time people must be separated before a divorce is considered final-so again, I'll say, SEPARATION is part of divorce procedure...unless of course you fly to the Dominican Republic and do a quick divorce in a week or less-there usually is a period of time when both parties, live apart as in SEPARATED.
Now, if you choose to not speak to or date a person who has been honest in their profile stating they don't yet, have the legal divorce paper, that is your choice...but to call someone you don't know names and infer that somehow, I'm not dignified...well, pot meet kettle | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:24:48 PM |
I think women are more concerned about dating men who are separated. IMO, and it is only my opinion with no scientific evidence to back it up, women are more likely to want a stable LTR.
True... and personally, I find it difficult to think of a future with someone who is already married... sort of takes the romance out of it, on a purely emotional, 'gut' level. And what is love or a relationships without that emotional level involvement?
Also, I'd hypothesize that women are, in general, can be worse ex's to deal with... when you date someone, ultimately you have to deal with their ex. And women, typically, are meaner and more vindictive, the whole "I gave you the best years of my life!" BS, use the children as pawns, because often they ARE in control of child custody, etc, and can use that to their advantage. Therefore, as a woman, getting involved with a man with a soon to be ex-wife can mean a LOT of drama in your future.
Men, on the other hand, let go a little easier...
(Caveat: I'm not saying this about anyone in this forum! Just based on my own, past experiences...) | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:52:25 PM | If men let go easier, why do you think, from experience, woman don't date separated men? Because the separated men have all the baggage, they have the reconciliations, they have the lie that they are separated when they really aren't, etc.
If women have the children, do you honestly think they are given enough to support them financially? What about the women's time with the children? Women with children have less free time.
Separated is married period. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:04:55 PM | I don't think it matters whether male or female... if someone is MARRIAGE MOTIVATED they will not want to waste their time with a partner already married.
I was separated for 5 years and had very few men had issue with it. I'm sure there are men that can say the same. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:29:12 PM | I once had a guy that wanted to "date" me who was separated...not divorced or going thru a divorce. His wife lived in a different state...so he figured he was separated even if he wasn't legally separated. Hah, ha! I said no thanks. A smart woman doesn't date someone not legally available...that divorce may never come.
Realistically, if I'm ready for a relationship with emotion and devotion - a person going thru a divorce isn't. It actually takes time to get over the pains of divorce and a smart person learns from their mistakes then moves on. The first woman a divorcing man meets will be his "transitional woman" who helps him thru this process. She rarely is the final pick once everything is legally settled. I want to find a guy that's ready for a relationship, not someone who is in need of emotional support, free therapy, and sex without any commitment.
(This is ditto for men dating women going thru divorces). | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:32:02 PM | You're raising two different issues I think... one being a reason women may want a quicker divorce, the other why a woman won't date a separated man... unless your theory is that women expect a quicker divorce, because of their past experiences? But many women, myself included, have never been divorced, so really don't base anything on this...
Its just a way to try to reduce the occurance of pain, IMO... pain avoidance, self-protection, against evil exs, or being dumped by someone who isn't far enough along the break-up path to know what they want, or being pulled into all the court 'battles' which really, have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the person you care about, so you HAVE to pick a side...
Some people may also have a moral adversion to dating someone still in a married relationship... for me, if someone is still married, I can't see a future in the relationship... if there is no future, any intimacy feels like a one-night stand... then, I feel like a tramp, and all the romance goes out the window. And its not just about potential future marriage... heck, I don't care if I ever get married again... but I do care, very much, if society morally and legally looks to someone ELSE as my guy's WIFE!
Also, there is the stigma of being that 'other woman', especially if there are children involved, and/or the wife wants to reconcile...
Nah. better to avoid the BS and avoid the 'separateds'. Doing so doesn't guarentee your relationships will work out, but certainly helps the odds...
Is it more important to women than men? Maybe... I think, like the previous poster said, men are more into 'here and now', while women tend to look further ahead... | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:53:03 PM | I think both guys & girls are equally concerned about it, if they're Long-Term-Relationship-Hunting. With that aside, I think women would probably more statistically inclined to shy away, because "separated" could mean a whole lot of things, and uncertainty wouldn't bode well for the guy, unless of course, the woman was separated before and it was no different than a divorce.
But there are many different separation situations. Nobody's obligation to assume YOU'RE in a just-fine situation, when you're a stranger online. Especially since people will put Single when they're still married, or "Divorced" when they're "going to" file divorce papers -- untruths like that. So some people tend to just shy away from"Separated" if they're relationship-hunting. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:07:21 PM | | OP - I don't care what other women think. I know I wouldn't date a separated man. There's nothing worse than dating someone who doesn't have it together. The way I see it, is you still have 1/2 foot in the marriage. Too, if you wanted to remarry, guess what? YOU CAN'T - not when you're "separated". Look, 3 is a crowd, period, end of story. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:54:47 PM | SueCat
Why one would suggest that someone going through divorce and in the stage of separated is a person who is titled "doesn't have it together" is beyond me. we may have it together just in progress. If you were making dinner for your children, had a plan and were proceeding in a smooth manner would you want someone to tel you :You don't have it all together"?
And if it is a question of remarriage. That too is not a problem. As I would not marry someone in a few months anyway. I might get serious with one person quickly but to know them well enough and set things up for a lifelong relationship is not something I would want to do in a few months. Even if I had never been married before.
BTW I'm confident after reading your post it was well thought out. The comment of "end of story" was most likely an oversight. Personally I would not add such a remark to my posts as people would and should take offense to such a statement. They might think of me as close minded which I know I am not and I'm sure you are not either.
A story is ended when we have assimilated all and not before. I know a lot. I do not currently know all and hope I never do. Once I do there is nowhere to go but down. Not the direction I desire. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:00:19 PM | Here's the thing...in GENERAL
Men care far less if a woman in separated than woman do if a man is separated. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:19:18 PM | Very, very generally I see it as this:
More women than men are seeking long term relationships that could possibly lead to marriage. A man who is separated is not viable LTR material because no matter how you slice it they are still married and odds are that they aren't looking to get married again right away.
More men than women are seeking casual dating. A woman who is separated is perfect for this because they typically aren't looking to get married again right away and are more open to something more casual.
In addition to that, I would wager that most women that are firmly against dating someone who is separated has had some experience with a separated man before that was extremely negative.
I don't really see where finances come into it but then it's not really something that is high on my priority list of what I seek in a partner. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:13:37 PM |
but to call someone you don't know names and infer that somehow, I'm not dignified...well, pot meet kettle
Having a hard time comprehending? No where in my post did I mention anything about your intelligence. I said people with intelligence, and dignity wouldn't waste their time on those who are separated.
In other words, no intelligent person with dignity would even bother.
You came across as bitter in one of your posts. Therefore, I called you bitter.
And I still don't buy into the whole "Separated means in the process of divorce". There are people who separate, and don't even get a divorce.
I once had a co-worker who had been separated from her husband for years, all because they didn't want to live in the same area. She told me that if he (her husbands) wants a divorce, then he can have one.
I just found out that Katherine, and Joe Jackson (parents of Michael Jackson) have been separated for 10 years.
My whole point is that separation doesn't always end in divorce. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:47:59 PM | I dated a man who listed on his profile "separated". About two weeks later, his wife showed up and wanted to get back together with him. I haven't heard from him since.
Another man had been divorced for a couple of years. He spent much of our first date complaining about his ex and his health problems. Needless to say, we had no 2nd date.
It really depends on the situation. Some people have been divorced or separated for years and have worked through the baggage. Others hang onto it and don't want to let go. You really need to go into a potential relationship with your radar on. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:17:40 PM | I think that some people have had a bad experience with dating separated or recently divorced people. Some separated men/women are ready to move on. Some are not. It's hard to know which one you've met up front sometimes.
I dated a separated man and made it a policy never to do so again. Lots of drama with the soon to be ex, lots of court appearances, fighting, being his therapist, etc. It was evident after a year that I was his rebound, and that was hurtful.
I'm sure some men/women out there who are separated are past their hurts and ready to move on, and yes, I may miss out on that. But I've just decided it's best to wait until someone has been divorced a while and has moved past the emotional pain and potential drama of divorce. I have nothing against a separated person and don't think that anything is wrong with this person. I just don't want to get involved. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:31:30 PM | Women are more concerned about the "separated" status because many men who proclaim to be separated have yet to inform their wives, (i.e they are married and looking for sex). When meeting men in the real world the "separated" status is pretty much a given that he is cheating, this has been a long-established assumption.
This is a problem because many women want an actual relationship, not NSA, FWB, etc. relations , so this is more important to us. Men who are only looking to get-off do not care to know much about a woman, so martial status is a moot point. | |
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| Women VS Men separated status
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:42:49 PM | From what the OP write, I detect an insinuation that females care about separation status because they're afraid that their potential love interest may be very poor very soon.
I don't find that to be true.
More, I see the issue with merely being separated is that the soon-to-be-ex wife may make life very difficult for the man she is divorcing and the woman he is seeing if she were to find out that he was already moving on. That, and given the contrary nature of women, once the "STBE wife" sees that her hubby can find another woman so soon, she may renege on the agreement and want some form of reconciliation.
Also, keep in mind that if there are children involved, a woman who gets involved with their father before they're ready to see their parents as divorced will be alienated, targeted, and mistreated by said children.
NOT something I'd sign up for.
TDA | |
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