| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:18:18 PM | I met a guy back in May(23rd) this year.....he lives about an hours drive away from me and we've been meeting up fo meals, pics etc for the past 5weeks. My dilemia is.... he avoids comming to my home cos he doesnt seem to want to meet my children. He lives with his mother and is going through a divorce at the moment....he sees his 3 boys, as and when he can...work permitting....
Last night we met half way and went for a meal. We met at 6.30pm had a meal and at 8.30pm i asked what he'd like to do and he said "to be honest, im knackered and need to get home to bed". So..i was home by 9pm after spending just 2 hours with him.
He asked if i'd like to do something Saturday evening and i said it would be nice if he came to mine...dvd, wine take out.....the usual. he wouldnt answer and said for me to try and get a babysitter and we'd take it from there........
So, what i'd like to know is.... is this guy avoiding meeting my kids???? How long should i leave it until hes ready to meet them??? Will he ever want to meet them???
This is doing my head in cos....FACT.... im a single mum with children and cant just keep getting my mum to babysit all the time.....
Anyone....HELP!!! would love some advice... | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:29:42 PM | | Being a child that met my mothers boyfriends, I will not meet a guy I'm dating's kids until he asks me to meet them. I don't want to be another girl that dad brought home. If you feel that you are ready for him to meet your kids and that he is someone that might be around, tell him that you want him to meet your kids. If he acts weird about it than you need to talk about it, cause no use wasting your time if he isn't in it fo the same reason you are. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:30:33 PM | Marley...
You're assuming it's because he doesn't want to meet your children. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. It does seem that he is avoiding coming to your house though. Do you think that you could just plain ask him, "Do you feel somewhat uncomfortable about meeting my children?" or "Are you opposed to spending some time hanging out at my house?"
It's sounding like for whatever reason...he simply wants to meet in public places. I'm assuming you have not been to his house? Is that correct? And he is avoiding going to your house. It may or may not have anything to do with the children. He could in fact be thinking that if he goes to your house that he would need to reciprocate by inviting you to his house. Maybe he just doesn't want you to go to his house and meet his mum.
Or heaven forbid...could it be that he still lives with his wife? I sure hope not for your sake. But I do think just good old plain and straight communication would be the best approach. I don't mean get really hyper and jump down his throat about these things. Not assuming you would do that. But just pose a few basic questions and see what his answers are. If he ends up getting really weird about what you ask him, or if his answers just don't seem plausible...I think I'd give him a miss. When people start coming up with multiple odd answers for things...it usually means they have not told you the complete truth and are trying to hide things.
I hope it works out well for you.
Kind regards to all fishies...
...Barbi  | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:49:40 PM | You're still in the dating stage. It's very possible he has no desire to hang out with you and your kids there at home. I'd be the same way if I was in the new dating stage with someone. Not everyone finds a night with someone else's kids as enchanting as their parents do.
His situation DOES sound a little fishy, however, with the early curfews and all. You've never been to where HE lives so you really don't know if he's not still living at home. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:07:00 PM | Why dont you just ask him about it?
But honestly, i wouldnt blame him if he didnt want to meet your kids so quickly.... thats pretty intense. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:13:36 PM | You have known him since May 23rd and want him to be around your children? Yikes! I can't imagine why a person would want their children to be brought into an adult relationship so early. I find it completely irresponsible and selfish - feel free to bash away-
The babysitter issue is yours and not his. It has nothing to do with him. If a person's only way to "date" is at their home with a dvd or whatever they really need to reevaluate if they are even in a position to date.
As far as the red flags he is sending up in other areas.... inability to recognize red flags is also a reason to ask yourself if you are in the emotional position to date.
Sorry, but I am in a no sugarcoat mood tonight. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:14:33 PM |
I don't want to be another girl that dad brought home. Very good advice. Personally, my timetable is 12 months. And I don't even have small children. He is being very smart and very cautious without trying to hurt your feelings. He's not even divorced yet. You are probably his transitional person and if your children were to get attached to him, then he would feel some responsibility toward them when he moves on. He's trying to save himself the guilt. And your children the hurt. Respect his feelings for now. He's probably doing you a favor in the long run.
The babysitter issue is yours and not his. It has nothing to do with him. If a person's only way to "date" is at their home with a dvd or whatever they really need to reevaluate if they are even in a position to date. I agree with this too. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:43:04 PM | | I have 3 children myself and I tend to meet guys who expect you to get rid of your kids all the time which isnt happening. I can understand in the beginning but i guess it depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship then I wouldnt let a guy constantly make you get rid of your kids because that just shows no interest. I think there is a subtle way to slowly bring the kids into the mix and it doesnt have to be expensive. After all, if you do end up dating the kids arent gonna be at a babysitters every weekend. I would give it 2 months tops to avoid meeting your kids, but i would at least like him to mention my kids and show that he's interested in even meeting them, if he doesnt then he never will be interested. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:48:14 PM | | 5 weeks is way too early to have him meeting your children. In the starting you will need to use the help of your mom for babysitting and date just the two of you. The meeting of the children changes things. Do you have a desire to meet his children? | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:58:28 PM | Well, it's been (only) 5 weeks. He's going thru a divorce with his kids. I don't think it's out of this world to refrain from meeting each others' kids, given all the family-oriented drama he's going through, and it being just over a month of dating.
Many folks have a good position on not to meet the kids until you're in an established relationship. With what he's going through and all that, it could be a rebound effect. So I'd just try not to speed up the relationship! You should have your kid stay with a babysitter and take things one step at a time, IMO -- it sounds that's what he's comfortable with! | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:08:57 PM | Why can't people just be honest with each other anymore?
You could very easily ask him these questions rather than putting it on here, where you'll get a whole bunch of well intended responses but who knows if they're right because we're not there.
How about "How come you avoid coming back to my place, is it because of my children?"
If someone's going to get pissed off at you for being honest then perhaps you don't want to be involved with them in the first place. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:17:01 PM | Single father with an at home son myself.
I DO NOT introduce women to my child(ren) NOR do I meet the lady's children UNLESS something serious is developing with long term potential.
He's going through a divorce, he has kids of his own he doesn't see often and here you are pushing yours onto him.
You trying to screw up your kids or something? Have them develop a low opinion of Mom if she ends up doing this sort of thing over and over and over and over???
He could be just seeking some companionship and an opportunity to not think about his divorce. He could also not want to be reminded that he doesn't see his kids as often and made to feel guilty when he ends up seeing yours more than his own.
Chill out, calm down and take dating slower than you are.
If you NEED a daddy for your kids, you should have kept theirs until they were adults.
If you have trouble getting away from the little ones then maybe you're not ready to date yet.
You at least have a mum to watch them. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:38:56 PM | I don't think that because you have childcare issues this means you shouldn't date. Most single parents do. I do think you should just come out and ask him why he seems reluctant about coming to your house. Maybe he feels guilty about not seeing his children as much as he did and spending time with yours would make him feel worse. Maybe he just doesn't want any more drama in his life right now.
He's going through a divorce, moved to his mothers, has 3 boys of his own. He's got a lot on his plate right now. It's only been 5 weeks. Give him a little space. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:48:46 PM | After only five weeks of dating I know I wouldn't want to meet someones kids.
It's nice just to get to know someone with out having to get to know their kids too quickly. I like to be a couple before we are a group and I don't think it's fair to be dragged through a kids life unless I plan on sticking around for a long time and five weeks isn't enough time for me to know that.
I dated one guy for over a year before I met his kids.
Meeting the kids is s huge sign of commitment for me. He may see this the same way.
To really understand what he is thinking you need to ask him. The rest of us are just giving you our best guesses based on out own experiences. He's not yet divorced and has living arrangements I am sure he is not happy about, you might want to cut the guy some slack. Based on your post it does seem to be all about you and not really giving a crap about what he is in the middle of right now. | |
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| No it isn't necessarily...
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:57:25 PM | You're dating a married man.
That's why
...how the hell did you jump to that conclusion??
Damn....whatever....
As has been posted before various places....meeting kids OUGHT TO BE a big step....and it is for most men. The two of you have been going out for roughly a month...to me, that isn't long enough to assume you will be going out this time next month. And...if you weren't going to see him again next month...if you knew that for a fact...why would you introduce him to your kids?
I say a month is too soon...but I also admit that I am REAL skittish about this issue....I just have never seen the point of developing a relationship with the kids unless you see your self becoming their step parent. A couple times people have coached me on the why....but I still don't see it.
ETA: You people with childcare issues....where are your exes and shared custody? | |
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| No it isn't necessarily...
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:04:48 PM | | everyone isnt blessed to have responsible exes or exes in the same state.....men who dont have kids or better yet who know they are dating a woman with children should also be understanding to the fact that she cant just jump out the house every weekend to go out...its not that women arent ready to date, but if a man is interested then he should also be patient | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:52:44 PM | | If he's going through a divorce and has children of his own maybe he's not ready to get emotionally attached to someone else's children just yet. Gotta give the guy the benefit of a doubt. Wouldn't hurt to flat out talk to him. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:10:03 PM | Why are you so seemingly hell bent on having this guy meet your kids? I really don't see why you don't leave your children out of this month long dating relationship and simply see where things will go with this man. Why are you wanting to drag your kids through the people you date?
Maybe he actually wants to date and get to know you and not your kids. Should this relationship turn into anything serious down the line then maybe the time to meet kids would be then,but not now.If you can't get your mom to babysit then find a teen to do it.Either way your babysitting problems are not his responsibility. If you can't find a babysitter then maybe you should not be dating. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:10:31 PM | | He's going through a divorce, he's got kids...which means he's definitely not ready to meet yours yet. Way too soon. Why are you dating someone who's going through a divorce and not fully divorced yet? He's not going to be ready for anything serious with you anyway. It's way too soon. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:31:17 PM | | Are you telling me that you have known this man for one month and want him to meet your children? If so, then you need to look at why you are so needy to rush into a romantic relationship with someone you hardly know! What model are you giving your children? You hardly know this man and I would react just like he is doing. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:06:14 PM | | I would question why you are so adamant about a man (that you don't even really know) hurry up and meet your children. Maybe he wants to see and get to know you as a woman/his date instead of "mom." I couldn't imagine introducing any new men to my son unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary or by complete accident for at least 6 months. It wouldn't be fair to my son to get to know "mom's friend" only to have the gentleman decide we weren't a match and disappear forever. | |
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| No it isn't necessarily...
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:14:14 PM | ..how the hell did you jump to that conclusion??
Damn....whatever....
did you read the OP's post? because if you had, she said her friend is going thru a divorce, therefore he is separated and guess what? separated = married, therefore she did NOT jump to any conclusions. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/3/2009 1:16:24 PM | For one thing, I have a three month rule for any man meeting my kids! Why would you want him to? To me that shows you are putting pressure on him and want to take things to the next level. Maybe he is not ready for that. You need to respect his feelings.
As for him only spending a few hours with you, maybe he just is not that interested. I would back off for a little bit and see what happens. | |
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| whats his problem????
Posted: 7/3/2009 3:58:31 PM | His intentions is to get you ALONE..have sex with you and bug out...guys going through a divorces are not looking for any relationships..they are just looking for self satsifactions.
DON"T DO IT | |
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