| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:24:15 PM | PLEASE ALL SUPPORT IS WELCOMED.
Here it is:
I have 2 children a girl aged 17 years old and a boy who's 14. After 14 years of having had full custody of our children. Today, was the worst day of my life after our son announced that he wanted to go live with his Dad! I have been divorced 7 years now, meaning our son was only 7 years old at the time of divorce. I was awarded full custody by my X without question. Of course, he wouldn't know what to do with them having never been there for them in the first place. Saw it in their best interest to have them stay with me but I remember like yesterday when he told our son " When you turn 13 you can come live with daddy if you want" . Always dreaded the day would come. It came! I feel devastated!! Like I have a hole in my heart. In fact, just writing this here gives me such a huge lump in my throat. I am very sad. I am sad that I have to let go! After all he is my baby. :( I will get to see him every second weekend. The father lives in another district about 20 minutes from me. Our son will be changing schools in September. I have spoken to my son and gave him my blessing. I told him that I will always love him and that I respect his decision and that he will always be welcomed here. I also told him that all I am concerned with is his health his safety and his happiness and that I am confident that he will be in good hands. His father loves him.
Everything in my life will change. I will have to get accustomed to him not being here as before. I cannot invision the day he will leave!!
My X had been living at his parents house for the last 7 years. He recently moved into a home which he is going to be occupying with a girlfriend that he has been dating for the last 3 years and her 3 boys aged 9, 13, and 16. When I asked our son why he wanted to move there he initially told me it was to be with the other 13 year old that lives there. I explained to him that he should not be basing his decision on this boy but rather on his Dad. I need to let him go!!
I am in the process of settling all this with the lawyer and need all advice I can get in regards to all info in regards to this. If anyone has any words of advice or information I can use or similar stories to share I would be utmost grateful.
Thank you | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:28:23 PM | Whenever we asked to live with dad, he had hardly been there for us mom let us go with big hugs and kisses, and let us know that when ever we wanted to come home we were more than welcome.
So, let him go and make sure he knows that you don't think he is 'choosing' between his parents and that you will love him no matter what he decides | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:33:28 PM | I would hold off on the lawyer. Think about this, summer has just begun and you may still have time. It's very different to visit than it is to actually live there.
He may not feel that the grass is all that green there. At his age though he may just be feeling a bit outnumbered at your place. two girls to one and feels that being among the guys is cooler.
Don't finalize anything just yet and tell him that if things don't go as he plans that he is welcome back BUT only on the basis that he can't bounce back and forth whenver the mood strikes him. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:36:49 PM | My step-sister did this in reverse when we were sophomores in high school. She moved back with her mother within 6 months, then was back again, then left again, a total of 6 or 7 times.
Your son will probably be under different rules, and won't like being told what to do by someone other than his mother.
You're doing the right thing in being supportive. He will likely miss you, and want to come back. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:08:57 PM | Jgg
my compliments to you as it would be suggested by others they would not be so agreeable.
But why the rush to the lawyer....the summer is here....just allow him to spend time with his dad for 6 weeks then have a sit down with him and see if his decision is still the same. If things get all legal then perhaps he will feel a little committed or obligated.
Switch things up and be the every other weekend parent for a period and perhaps you may find that before the summer is over he may have reconsider his choice...and if not...you have allowed him his choice to do as he feels...
Good luck in this time of second guessing yourself....you are I am sure doing the right thing! | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:16:46 PM | | I'm curious why he couldn't stay at both places? I mean you only live 20 mins way. That would be a 10 min drive for the both of you if you met half way. I do the 20 min drive everyday, to exchange my son with his mother at a half way point, and that is one way. I see that as a win-win-win. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:25:37 PM | girly girl...my heart goes out to you! My youngest is nine and I just can't imagine! I could cry just thinking about it so I have so much sympathy for you. I also have to say KUDOS for giving your son the go ahead. It is absolutely the right thing to do but I can guess what it is taking to go through with it.
Someone else mentioned the fact that it is summer. I know rushing the time table is the last thing you want to do but what if your son went now? That way he would have six weeks or so to settle in with his dad and see how the other half lives before you go through changing schools. (When I had foster kids, four to six weeks was the honeymoon period before the reality set in...for them and for us.)
So far what he has experienced is his dad's "weekend" house. Odds are there is less structure, more activities, and a dad that is around just because it's the weekend. The reality of being there fulltime when things are not so relaxed, when dad has to work, when chores have to get done, when he has to spend day number 12, 15, 27 with his step siblings...may not be all that he thought it was going to be.
Best of luck to you...and hugs for being a good mom!! | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:55:22 PM | OP, I am curious to know if you could give us more information.
What triggered it? I would imagine something happened that lead your 14 years old to say he wants to live with his dad. Could you provide more background about this event, as well as your relationship with your son? Did he ever asked before if he could live with dad? Or used it as a threat or as a lever to get you to accept something? | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:09:53 PM | | In response to conscioussoul, as I said my x just moved into a house where he is living with his new girlfriend and her 3 boys. He gets along really well with one of the boys (13 yr old) and he has mentionned to me a while back that it bothered him that his dad was spending more time with these boys and that these boys were spending time with HIS dad. I sensed some jealosy and he told me straight out that he was jealous. So according to me, he's doing this for several reasons. 1: He wants to be able to monitor the situation. 2. He doesnt have that many friends that he hangs out with here so it's exciting to be doing so many things with a boy close to his age. 3. His dad asked him if he wanted to go live with him now that he has his own home. My son and I have always had a very close relationship except in the last year. In the last year he was more embarassed about when I would drive him to school and he would have to say goodbye to me with a kiss on the cheek! Watch out if any of his buddies were looking cuz' it isn't cool. That sort of thing. He has never ever asked if he could live with his dad nor has he ever used it as a threat ever in any shape or form. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:19:19 PM | Well then there's your answer... He would get to live with what could end up being his Best Friend and future Stepbrother, plus he gets more time to spend with his Father... 14 is quite the impressionable age... It's the time that a boy is suppose to learn and be taught how to be a man...
He isn't using it as a threat or anything else against you... He is growing up and he is realizing this himself... He needs that father figure that has rarely been there...
Sadly it is time to let him go... But you are only 20 minutes away, you can go and take him to dinner whenever you want, you can ask him if he wants to go to the movies whenever you want...
You are blowing this up to be more than it is... It's now time to get him a Cell Phone if he doesn't already have one and let him know that he can call and see you at anytime... | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:53:26 PM | Let the boy go.
The state that you reside in probably would have award you full custody anyway. So he cut his losses. Now the boy is eligible to live where he wants to. A boy needs his Father. You daughter didn't leave did she?
You and many others like you have (probably) soaked 7 years of child support out of him, Hence the reason why he is living with his parents. Looks like you are going to be out of child support money as well. Thats going to hurt.
Now the shoe is on the other foot. Only now, you will finally see what HE had to go through 7 years ago.
Karma...it can be a biotch! | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:17:57 PM | OP, thank you for the additional information.
Several comments comes to mind:
- He may feel like he wants to live with dad now, but that doesn't mean he knows what it will be. As he is 14 and old enough to decide, it might be good to do this slowly. I think some posters suggested to let him go there for summer and see how he feels once he has lived there... and I think this is a wise suggestion. Perhaps he could be convinced to go there for a few weeks at first and do this progressively.
- He might also feel bad that you would let go of him as easily (I am not saying it is easy! only that he may feel it this way). Have you tell him that this is difficult for you, because you love him dearly? It is possible that he said this lightly at first, but if he felt that it didn't matter to you after that, it might have reinforced his desire to go. Or not... it's just a possibility to investigate.
- I would use a lot of active listening to understand his further motivations. (questioning won't help). This would allow you to understand better if there has been a problem recently that you may not be aware of in your relationship with him, for instance. It might also be that he feels like he wants to see his dad more, but doesn't think it is an option unless he changes house or doesn't know how to ask you about it. He may feel or think like a middle solution isn't possible. Maybe he doesn't realize that he could have both of you alternatively, for instance?
I wouldn't worry too much about the peck-on-the-cheek in front of his peers, though, this is quite typical of his age. But it is also the age around which adolescent sometimes re-attach to peers rather than adults, or switch their attachment when the bond isn't strong, which is why I was trying to discover if perhaps things happened that you aren't aware yet. Hoping these hints might help... Good luck! | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:31:26 PM | You do not want to give the child a guilt trip for wanting to go live with his father! Let him go and tell him if he wants to come home that he is welcome to come back ANYTIME!!! It is very difficult as a parent to let your child go no matter what age they leave the nest! It sounds as if he is very jealous that these other boys spend time with his Dad and he doesn't get to. Maybe when he realizes Dad isn't so involved in the other boys' lives, he might decide that he wants to be home where he gets loving attention from his own mom! I guarantee you your son will be treated differently than the other 3 boys by their mom! He won't like that!!! It could possibly happen with your ex sticking up for "her" kids because he sleeps with her! So don't shut the door on your son.....let him going loving and cry in your bedroom with the door shut! Never say anything bad about your ex or her or her kids. The best thing to say is "I'm sorry that happened" or "I can understand how you feel when that happens"....You don't want the negative things to come back and bite you!
Good luck it'll be very difficult!! Also, prepare yourself that he'll come after you for child support after all your daughter is almost 18! | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:29:44 AM | | You are doing the right thing by letting him go. A boy needs his dad when he reaches a certain age. Count your blessings that his dad is willing to take on this responsability. My ex used to say that to our son all the time. It hurt and scared me but in the end my son chose to stay with me. It will be a big adjustment for you, but try looking at it from a different perspective. You will have alot more free time for yourself. That's not such a bad thing! My friend did the same thing with her son and after a year, he ended up coming back home to her. Hang in there! | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:17:50 AM | | Just a girly girl. I am curious why it has to be an all or nothing situation? Maybe the three of you should sit down and talk about this. There is no reason that he couldn't live in both places, and see you two equally. I agree that the boy needs his dad at this time, but he needs the support of his mom too. You can work around school in this way, he over nights at his fathers, at the end of the school day, or your work day which ever is later he can come to your home, have dinner etc, then at a reasonable agreed time by all parties he can go back to his dad's house. All parties win. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:55:35 AM | OP, hugs to you for not getting in a tug-o-war over your son. It is not surprising to hear that a child who has lived primarily with one parent for most of their life would want to live part of their life with the other parent. How hard it must have been for your son to tell you this was his wish and how wonderful for you to give him your blessing on this choice.
He may indeed return back to you after a time when he realizes that the grass is not as green as he thought it would be for him. He may also be happy to have his step-brother and his father in his daily life. Regardless of what happens, you are his Mom and nothing will ever change that. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:57:31 AM | | hello, i do understand how ya feel-but i think at his age he needs more of a father figure in his life.(just my opinion) he's growing into young adult hood and probably has things going on that he feels his dad might understand more.how does he get along with his fathers g/f?i raised my son as a single 'rent since he was eleven so i know how boys are, just be sure that his father isn't a push over for behavior that you feel is inapropriate.he will always need you. dont worry-you will always be his mother. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/3/2009 12:07:49 PM | Hello
I have been through the same exact thing and it sucks!! There are no other words for it.
I am so sorry for your pain....no other way to say it except "OUCH"......
If i could give you a hug i would..but letting go is one of the most painful things a mother can do. but you must remember that he's not a baby anymore.
Maybe you shouldn't change custody right away....let him go on a trial basis..I don't know what your ex is like, but be careful and go slow. Definitely let your son go live with his dad, as there's no worse pain for a child then "divorce" and they should be able to live with whoever they choose at a certain age....as long as they're good parents.
Girl, I've been through hell and back again...my ex left me for my son's wife....so yes, he's living with his daughter in law and planning on marrying her.
oh well. nothing i can do about it.
my three youngest, 18 17 and 15 decided to go live with him in texas ....six months ago, i'm in NH...so twenty minutes away is a piece of cake.
but be prepared to not see your son that much, as they tend to pull away in the teen years....
remember that this is nothing against you, it's that a boy needs his dad sometimes..
I care...hugs...Kim | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/3/2009 1:14:49 PM | First off thanks so far to everyones comments good or bad! I am taking everything in as constructive in one way or the other. Thanks also to ConsciousSoul for the advice. In reply to gadgetdoc to his question:
ust a girly girl. I am curious why it has to be an all or nothing situation? Maybe the three of you should sit down and talk about this. There is no reason that he couldn't live in both places, and see you two equally. I agree that the boy needs his dad at this time, but he needs the support of his mom too. You can work around school in this way, he over nights at his fathers, at the end of the school day, or your work day which ever is later he can come to your home, have dinner etc, then at a reasonable agreed time by all parties he can go back to his dad's house. All parties win
It is my son's wishes to be live with his dad at this time. We ( my x and I) have both discussed individually with our son about doing a joint thingy. I have no problem with this and neither does his father but that is not what our son wants and I don't want to force anything on him as I do not believe it to be right to force anything on him. At this moment my X sees his son every second weekend, but keep in mind everyone that since day 1 of our separation let alone divorce I have always told my X that regardless of the set visitations he could ask to see and have his children any other time. We have always had a good civil relationship because of this and I have never said No when he would call them on weekdays and pick them up for supper or keep them an extra day on holidays etc. He could call his children whenever he wants at all times and has always done so and vice versa. The children should not have to pay for our mistakes in a failed marriage.
In response to camping junkie:
how does he get along with his fathers g/
He gets along fine with his g/f and I have met her and believe she is a wonderful person and have told her so. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:42:47 PM | My advice would be to let him live with his dad for one year. Leave the lawyers out of it. they will only muddle things up. Do not change or allow anyone to change his support. You are only letting him stay for an extended visit at this point. You are only doing this for your son . This will help you in your relationship with him. Remember , he has not lived with his dad full time. He only knows the Disney dad. Let him stay and get a taste of what evry day is like in that household. He may come running back.
I understand the hole in your heart. I am sure you were ambushed by this. Have no fear, Things work themselves out in time.
Good luck | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:07:37 AM | I am in a similar situation, but from the other side.
My kids lived with their mom since the D, (me in Michigan, her in Iowa) but after five years my son graduated and moved in with me, and a year later my daughter followed, with two years of HS left.
I know it was a very tough decision for each of them, as my ex can be very controlling and hard to get away from. But they have always known they are welcome here, and I insist they maintain as good a relationship with her as they can.
Children mature slowly and stochatically. When they are babies, they are almost wholly dependent on us as parents. When they turn 18 they are legally adults. The process is gradual, but goes in steps. Some of the steps are big - like walking, and this is one of those big ones.
Time to loosen those apron strings that bind them to you.
Canoist | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:23:55 AM |
My advice would be to let him live with his dad for one year. Leave the lawyers out of it. they will only muddle things up. Do not change or allow anyone to change his support. You are only letting him stay for an extended visit at this point.
Leaving the lawyers out of it is not an option here as I have suggested this to my X. He has dismissed it. He says he doesn't trust anyone (never has). So I have no choice. The support will definately change but this does not and is not what I am concerned with. The system would never allow for me to still receive the $$ when our son is going to be in his care full time. Besides even if I tried I know he would never accept this. The lawyer and I have decided to let him (our son) go on a trial basis of 6 months. I hope only for his happiness. | |
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| My son wants to live with his Dad
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:45:10 PM | As gut-wrenching as it is for you, this is not a bad thing. Your son is not going to live in a household that you are worried about him attending to school or getting into trouble. You have to remember that this is totally NOT about you. If my sons or even my daughter wanted to go live with their dad and he had a stable positive environment for them, it would probably make me nuts but I would do what you have done. The sad thing for my kids is having no place to go. Mine know their dad wouldn't take care of them and they'd end up doing God knows what.
As others have noted, he may decide to come back after a year or he may remain there. One of the positives for you, in addition to the kewl girlfriend and congrats on her being in your son's life, is that your relationship with your son may change positively because of this. We sought custody of my stepson at 16 because his mother wasn't taking care of him/monitoring his behavior. She was POd but I think things were better for them when he wasn't living with her. We spend a lot of time doing things with our kids when we have them 24/7 but it occurred to me recently that so many of the things I did when the kids were younger, zoo, museums, etc. we haven't done in a long time. When he sees you, you can clear time up from the boring stuff and really spend a lot of quality time with him when he's with you.
He's also close enough geographically that you won't be missing things at school, etc. so he will probably be a bigger part of your life than you can see at this time. We all go through this, the greater independence, the separating and leaving the nest, often with college when they still have one foot at home. Yours is happening a little bit earlier but future was right, you will always be his mother no matter where he is and today you have a gazillion ways to stay connected with him. | |
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