| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 12:06:57 AM | So here it goes..been talking to this guy for a couple months now. Everything was great..still is on certain days. We still talk and text every single day( yes we have met too)...and i started falling for him. I am sure he likes me to and he tells me "i never thought i would care..but i do" and "just because i am man, doesnt mean i dont have a heart or feelings" Well he is moving to another state next month due to his job. I have seen him backing away slowly the closer it gets to that time. And everytime i mention hanging out again he either ignores it or says its just too hard. Where as i am the type that even if it does all end when he leaves, why not take what time we have now? He keeps saying his ex really messed him up emotionally and he will never let that happen again...which ok, i understand...but why am i paying for her actions. I even went as far as saying that "whose to say i wouldnt follow you if you asked" all he said was "yeah she said the same thing and it never happened."
So i guess what i am getting at...is he really just scared I am going to hurt him and thats why he can't hang out for fearing of falling for me too? Should I keep trying and even after he is gone....or just pretend he never existed...even though he is more than what i could of ever imagined. UGH! its so frustrating!! Why does he keep calling and talking to me...but can't spend time with me too, because "its just too hard" | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 12:16:40 AM | Don't worry girl, I think I can clear this up. =)
It's a matter of boy feelings, and girl feelings.
Boy feelings: He will feel he is failing you if he hangs on now... 'cause it's dishonest.
Girl feelings: She will feel she is failing him by not continuing to express her love untill it is gone.
The emotions that are driving you apart, are the emotions that prove you both really cared.
I cried when I read your post.
It is a terribly unfair thing to happen.
Tell him about the boy feelings/girl feelings. I hope it helps you both. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 12:28:25 AM | Seems like he has a lot of baggage though and has a general mistrust of women that he needs to sort out. I've seen that one play out - even to the point where the woman moves to be with him (despite their negative opinion that she'd never move because he's been disappointed before) but that kind of proof that you love him isn't going to make him feel secure and help him move beyond his baggage.
It's hard to say what to do. I think if you follow your heart and continue to entertain his company in that sort of way, you're going to get hurt even more...but it's hard to listen to logic and back off yourself when you want to help them/fix them/whatever. His intentions are very clear though...he is not sticking around for you. I'm not sure that you should stick around for him either. Friends if you can...but don't if you can't. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 1:00:04 AM | I understand where he is at right now in a way. He shouldn't be in a serious relationship right now because he is obviously not ready.
I'm sorry to say this but it's over. He's trying to move on. He still has feelings for you which is why he continues to talk to you but it is too overbearing to see you. People have a hard time facing reality face-to-face. Him being with you before he leaves will only remind him of what he is leaving, much more than if he talks to you one the phone or internet.
This scenario is full of emotions and you're caught right in the middle of it. The best bet is to get out while you still can and save yourself from getting seriously hurt. He is emotionally unstable right now and you shouldn't be dragged down with him. Also, you're trying to catch a train that already left the station...no matter how hard you chase it you're not going to catch it and it can't jump the tracks to turn around and get you. Save your energy. Don't chase it. Give a wave as it chugs over the horizon and go on with your life.
I know you may think that he might be the only one but in time you will see that you deserve much better. He is constantly comparing you to an ex...he is obviously not over her and dealt with those issues. He is unstable. He pulled the wool over your eyes...he is not as great as you think he is--in time you will see. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:22:42 AM | I think you can be direct and gentle at the same time.
The direct part would go something like this. You say to him: " many times we carry some of the bad from previous relationships as we go forward. It happens often when we get scared but it really leads nowhere".
The gentle part would go something like this. You also say to him: " I really hope you can choose to leave some of that behind and take more of the good stuff forward as our relationship moves forward as well.
Then just let him choose. You have made it clear that you really are not interested in old baggage and given him an invitation. If he says " Well I'm afraid it won't work out" then tell him "that was one of the nicest things you have heard from a guy"
If he does not accept your invitataion... then as others have suggested just let him go. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:29:25 AM | I'm gonna go the other way as the previous posters here and say that "he's just not that into you." If he really liked you, he'd still want to see you even though he's supposedly leaving (which by the way, could be bullsh!t).
In all honesty, you're a good looking girl and he really should be trying to get into your panties right now if he's supposed to be moving away. But he's not. Which tells me something's not right.
He might just be continuing contact simply because he still likes talking to you? | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:25:06 AM |
Well he is moving to another state next month due to his job. I have seen him backing away slowly the closer it gets to that time. And everytime i mention hanging out again he either ignores it or says its just too hard.
He's saying that distance would strain a relationship that already sounds strained.
Where as i am the type that even if it does all end when he leaves, why not take what time we have now?
That could make separation even harder to take.
He keeps saying his ex really messed him up emotionally
Then it must be true.
Why does he keep calling and talking to me...but can't spend time with me too, because "its just too hard"
Because he wants somebody to listen, regardless of whether or not you could do anything about it. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:28:39 AM |
So i guess what i am getting at...is he really just scared I am going to hurt him and thats why he can't hang out for fearing of falling for me too?
Msg. 4 pretty much nailed it, he's not ready for a relationship. Whether it's him, his ex "messed him up" it doesn't matter, the result is the same. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:24:13 AM | | maybe he's acting like that because the chances of you and him staying together when he moves are slim to none. simple. i know i felt that way when i joined the army, i kind of stop talking to my girlfriend a little at a time, til i just broke it off. it happens you know. plus he has his guard up because of his past relationship. i know, it sucks you're paying for it, but sometimes we as men just dont know how to let go of certain experiences. just the way it is. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:34:48 AM | | Gotta agree that he just ain't into you. If I was nuts about a gal and my job was taking me away, I'd have to decide if the relationship would survive and if she was "the one." Sounds like he has decided. Sorry. Time to move on. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:00:39 AM | | Thanks Guys...i really appreciate all the feed back! I understand what everyone is saying...but i still dont get why he keeps calling. He should know by now that i have no problem telling people like it is and expect that in return. I am grown...i think i can handle a guy just saying "We're done" I am cool with just friends too...but we will talk for a few days about just normal everyday stuff...and then somewhere, it always goes back to the emotion and feelings that we know are there...then he gets frustrated and pulls away again. I am just so sick of guys walking away and 2 months later coming back because they finally realized that i am a great person. By this time i have usually moved on, but then kicking myself for not waiting. Maybe I will just be single for a loooonngg time!! | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:10:36 AM |
...then he gets frustrated and pulls away again.
Then its clear that whats already been mentioned is the case. He's not ready for a serious relationship and your the last person that would be able to help him to be in one because he views you as 'what he doesnt want' right now. He has to deal with his own issues for a while. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:20:34 AM |
why not take what time we have now?
Because he doesn't want to. Or he has better things to do. IOW he doesn't value you as much as you think he should.
but why am i paying for her actions.
Because he can't take responsibility for himself. So blame the ex. And get you to see him as a victim, a scrapper that's really really tryin' even though his ex was sooo evil. That way he gets you to validate him, and reinforce he's a "good" person (because he's trying so hard to overcome his evil ex's Sauroman power).
is he really just scared I am going to hurt him and thats why he can't hang out for fearing of falling for me too?
No. He's using you for what he wants from you. Telling you what you want to hear, or are afraid to hear, in order to keep it going.
Should I keep trying and even after he is gone....or just pretend he never existed...even though he is more than what i could of ever imagined.
Try for what? You've known him 2 months? Majority of it being via text? Met once? Twice?
Do you want a relationship with your phone or computer?
Why does he keep calling and talking to me
Because it makes him feel good. He may simply enjoy the control, game, fantasy that he built up.
but can't spend time with me too, because "its just too hard"
This is BS. It's because he either has a GF, has something better to do, and/or simply wants you for some form of validation.
Come back to the forums in a month. Let us know if he hasn't asked you to hang out and tried to have sex with you before leaving. Otherwise he will probably leave in a fanfare of drama and feelings. Probably making offers he knows you won't take, and making promises he knows you won't mind him breaking. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:37:52 AM |
he is moving to another state next month
seen him backing away
he either ignores it or says its just too hard
his ex really messed him up emotionally
Honey, he doesn't want what you're offering. He can be scared, angry, hurt, damaged-- whatever-- but it doesn't matter. You're offering something he doesn't want.
Let him go. Stop trying. Stop taking his calls. He's made it very clear what he wants and doesn't want so stop letting him take up your time with his "crumb" phone calls. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 12:16:59 PM | | He is messing you up like he was messed up. I know you won't but get away and stay away from him unless you really want to be hurt. If he can't spend time with you for whatever reason then keep dating and keep looking for someone who will. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:02:16 AM | Oh yes. The old. "the ex messed me up BS."
As soon as I hear that...bye bye.
He does it because you keep saying yes. When you say no it just may stop. Move on. Hurt him, he'll survive. He's hurting you, does he care about that? Have you told him that?
Will you follow him? There are two answers. Yes and no. No maybe. No we'll see. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:38:11 AM | He keeps saying his ex really messed him up emotionally and he will never let that happen again...which ok, i understand...but why am i paying for her actions
Boy do I have 14 yrs of experience in this one. You feel like you are paying for the sins of women in his past. Whether true or no, let's assume it's true. Let him go. There is no changing him. There is no fixing him. Trust me, you'll be better off. I was married to someone that was SERIOUSLY abused in childhood and previous marriages and repressed it to where I didn't find out until 2 yrs into a 14 yr marriage. I stayed with her and helped her thru it. Honorable choice but, bad one for me. But, it wasn't about me at the time. hindsight 20/20. Shake his hand and let him go.
Or, he may not be that into you as others have said. I would actually hope for this version vice the above. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:15:09 AM | | ahh yes the old "its too hard to hang out". Well i say ditch the loser. I mean come on, you sound like a decent woman, and you care about the guy and he's being a prick? Move on down the line, when guys are emotional like that then its go time. | |
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| What should I do?
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:01:07 AM | *Update*
Last night he was pulling a 12 hour shift. Since he obviously can't hang out because it's "too hard" I decided Fine! I'll just go out and do my own thing. Well he wasn't suppose to get off until 2am. He never EVER calls me when he is at work...but we text while he is there. Well as soon as he found out I was out somewhere suddenly he calls...of course i didn't answer...didnt feel the need to. *pat on the back for me*  Well he leaves a voicemail...i mean he was nice, but you can just tell the tone in his voice that he wasn't too happy...so what the hell?? He can't hang out...is moving away....but gets pissy when I decide to try to do something else. Perhaps he has a thing about thinking that I will always be around...Is he testing me to see if I would actually put up with his mess? | |
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