| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/3/2009 1:39:00 PM | Here I am on the world's largest free dating site, so why am I lonely? What's up with that? What's so wrong with me that I spend all my time by myself?
Is it because I don't go out and get drunk in bars? Is it because I have more respect for myself than to jump into bed with every man who crosses my path? Is that what it takes to become a couple?
Should I just give in to every dirty old man who smiles at me, even if he's too drunk to actually see me? I'm serious! What does it take to find happiness? I'm really tired of being unhappy and all alone. If you have the secret I wish you'd share it with me.
Just sign me, single and sick of it~Lady Mara  | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/3/2009 2:27:57 PM | | Dear Mara...why INDEED should a lady of your warmth and intellect and grace be lonely? It IS surprising isn't it? Defininely NO to giving in and settling. I think that would just make you feel even MORE alone in the long run. My answer to this age old question for myself was to stop being invested in the idea of NEEDING to be in a romantic relationship. I have discovered the joy of girlfriends in the last year or so and they never disappoint me. I now "date" girls...not in the sexual sense but in the sense of cashing in on the fact that we both love the same things so why not enjoy them together? I have poetry and wine soirees now with girlfriends who can swoon over Pablo Neruda and a frisky cabernet without expecting a 'return' in the form of sexual gratification. One of my dear girlfriends showed up this week (not knowing what a depressing one it had been in the romantic department) with a bottle of french red and a single long stemmed rose. Romancing the ordinary: that is MY answer. I no longer wait for a man to romance me...I date MYSELF. Who knows best what I love and how I like to be wooed than me? | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/3/2009 3:03:47 PM | wow!! lady-mara,,,,,,, you know something, your not alone in wandering what is up with this? For me,, I don't look at the reasons you stated. I look at myself and wander why? I'm fun, energetic, a great dancer, can't sing but will get up for kareokee (sp). What I'm saying is,, I don't go to bars but love to have friends and family in my back yard for BBQ's and yes drinks. What is about "US" as in ALL of "us" singles? I don't know. We are all different ages, intellect, interest, sizes and vices. There are so many singles on POF but yet we do not seem to be meeting "our" match. I shrug,, I don't know the answer.
Hey,, great topic!!  | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:50:44 PM | | As much as most of us hate to admit it, we are probably alone because we have been hurt in the past and don't want to take that chance again. Therefore, rather than taking a chance on a "maybe", we become quite picky and look for reasons why someone would not be a good choice for us...looking for the "perfect" mate, who doesn't exist. After a while we just become used to being on our own and are content to stay that way, at least we convince ourselves of that, and that is my take on it. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/5/2009 2:09:48 PM | Lady Mara, I can understand what you are saying but I have to say that there are ways to not be lonely and not settle. I agree fully with what my good friend, UG is saying. In fact, if it wasn't for POF, I never would have become friends with her.
Be happy with yourself, do what you want to do with good friends, and most of all, never, never settle. You won't be happy if you do. Remember, you aren't being picky, you just know what you want! Don't settle for less! | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:52:02 PM | You all may be right in each of your own ways, I have to agree with all you've said up to a point. I may be picky, I really do want a guy who is familiar with soap and toothpaste, and wears his undies under his outers. Is that too picky? I would like to meet a guy who would recognize my face because he was looking at it when we met. I've met too many who could guess my bra size closer than the color of my eyes.
Yes, I'm careful because getting terribly hurt before wasn't a fun experience, it's a place I won't vacation again, ever! So, I have to be careful, but I'm not excluding men because one of them reminds me of my X, or one of them might not be careful of my heart, or one of them might commit some mistake, I'm not judging anybody for any reason.
I've been working on becoming the me I want to be, and I'm really there by now. So, I'm open and ready to find a few good times without becoming less than I am, or settling for less than is right for me. I'm happy with myself, I'm good company for me too, but something important is missing! Why should I give up what I really want and settle for being just friends with guys and gals! It's great to get together with the girls and have a few laffs but when it comes down to it, I think I'd rather have a deep baritone voice in my ear than the high pitched sounds made by women(lovely as they are)!
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:14:19 PM | | I hear you, lady_mara. After almost three years of chronic dating and a couple of long-distance relationships, I'm feeling it, too. I'm happy with myself, love my friends and like my job, but would like to find someone to share my life with, at this point. I don't need a relationship, but I want one. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:28:00 AM | lady_mara you know I think you are a great lady. Always have, always will. But I do have to agree with UG. Maybe just hang with your gals to keep your spirits up, because you know they will always know when you need them. Also, keep thinking positively. Realize that there are some great men out there, and not all of them are drunks. I have been on the site longer than most of you have, and have met sooooo many good men. Mind you there was something that just didn't click to make it a relationship, but they are still my good friends, even today.
I have been single a very very long time, and I do miss having a great relationship. But I am very happy with my life and think this is the happiest I have been in a very very long time, because I am not stressing over having someone of the male gender in my life. I have so many people, both male and female, that make my life fullfilling, and make me feel special, that I am feeling complete. I hope you can get to that place as well hun. xoxoxoxoxxo
Norma | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:12:54 PM | Why thank you NB, you know I feel exactly the same way about you too!
It's easy to see that you are a complete entity in your own right, I think you must have been born that way, you carry it so well. Some of us others have had to learn it, and earn it, and I think I have. I'm there, no need to worry. I like me, the me that I've worked at becoming, no longer bitter and not angry any more either. I learned that it was all so negative and it weighed me down so I dumped the stuff. I have quit a lot of things in my life which were unhealthy for me, like smoking and drinking, it was hard. The purging of the pain of seperation from my X was hard to do too, but it leaves me feeling so clean and fresh and LIBERATED, if I had to do it again, I would.
I'm not saying that I'm reborn or anything, just free, and it happened so slowly that I hardly noticed it, just that I feel so much better about everything, including myself. I see the gifts I have to give, I feel the life inside of me ready to shine out and make another person happy. Now, just need that other person to show up and enjoy the new me.
Of course my friends(both genders) are VERY important to me and are a huge part of my life, always will be. But, that deep baritone voice may be calling me right now and if he is, I'm listening. The friends will still be here, I'll just be a happier more fullfilled friend to them. You see?
Note to Goddess: You're my role model, I've read so much of your writing on here that a lot of it has taken root within me. How could I not see the logic, understand the pure truth of what you say and stand for? You've done me more 'good' than you may know. The best of me as I am now and am still growing into is because of the stuff you write here. Never stop being you.
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/16/2009 2:06:28 PM | | Thank you m'Lady! You do me much honor...too much. I think we all have days when we just WANT that "deep baritone" that you speak of. If I said I never wanted more, I'd be a liar and I woudn't be on this site...it's just that while I'm WAITING for him to show up, I'm trying to enjoy the REST of my life. Make sense? | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/30/2009 12:27:39 PM | Ya know I have been looking and relooking at this thread for a week now and have wondered if I should make a post.. well here it is..
Its odd that I find this right now when I stopped logging into POF for a long time, I have actually "stopped" dating for almost 2 years now as it seems that most on here want to have sex or have an orgie... or that is what I was offered alot.
Hence my just about giving up on finding what I seek. Yes I know I went through an awful time of drinking too much.. being a **** too much.. but I now believe it was more frustrations then anything and my LONGGGGGGG break from the dating scene has taught me quite a few things.
1).. I dont need a man to make me a complete woman.
2).. I dont need a man to make me feel needed.. I have my life to do that.
3) .. Heck.. I dont really need a man for anything..
BUT....
1).. I want a man who is confident enough in himself that when I do get ****y he can sey.. "HEY .. stop right there!" as opposed to say ing.. "yes dear" (gosh they frustrate me)
2).. I want a man that is not shopping around for the next easy lay, who has enough honor and honesty to be truthful about his intentions right from the first email.. I would respect the man who says.. "hey I just want to have sex no strings baby".. more then the man who would say.. "hey.. I dont care if I have sex with you, I am really looking for something more then just sex".. then to find out he only wishes to dip his pole.
so in reality.. my "time off".. has brought new insight to who I really am minue the bar hopping and drinking. I am worth what I seek, well worth it actually... and until I find that "man".. I will remain forever single and "happy"..
Smiley | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/30/2009 5:38:55 PM | Ya know I'm so glad I put this thread here, it's done me a world of good just writing it, and reading the replies has given me more insight than I had before too. It's so helpful to have this female posse here on POF, what a great resource these ladies are. I'm very lucky to have the friends I have, there is true feeling here and a wealth of experience & intelligence to call upon.
SmileyFox, you've been missed, it's good to have you back, I agree that MSN has hic-cups way too often & the results are usually less than ideal. I guess we take it for granted that they'll be perfect while in reality, they're still 'new' and working out their kinks.
You're right, there is a difference between need & want, with me it's more want, I'll never need anything I can't give to myself again. I will happily enjoy a man's company & all the joys that entails(sp?) but it will always be a healthy relationship, with strength on both sides.
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 7/30/2009 11:16:53 PM | smiles nodding in agreement.. I have missed everyone here but needed a break for myself to adjust I think its called.. 
I hope to see you all again soon.. .but no more POF merrygoround for this gal.. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/10/2009 6:40:52 AM | I to have been off the forums for over a year.Thought I had found the 'right'man for me.I was wrong.Does this mean I well give up?Heck no!!!I felt lonely being with him,my friends where the ones who helped me see,he wasn't right for me.He couldn't or wasn't able to give me what I wanted in a man.
I have a very strong support group of family and friends,ones who make me get out and enjoy life.I would still love to find the 'right'one for me.I won't stop trying.I often think I won't find him,I'm to old now,no man would be welling to be with me,thats when my support group slap me and get me out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel the same way as you.Where the heck are all the real man at?Is there hope for me?Well I ever find him?
As for now I well just keep trying,enjoying my life and the people I have in it!! | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:41:22 PM | | If my only choices are be lonely sometimes or be with someone that does not meet my needs nor I his, then yes, I will choose lonely sometimes. I know that true love exists for some, and that it is possible to maintain a longterm passionate relationship.......I will wait for it ...because it will be worth it when or if it comes........never settle for less than what you feel you deserve! | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:25:00 AM |
never settle for less than what you feel you deserve!
Truer words were never written. I've waited a very long time, and often was tempted to just settle on what ever presented itself. That option often gagged me when I really looked at it clearly.
I've decided to accept the 'gift' of affection which is now offered, because I feel great affection in return. Whatever grows from this will be happy making for us both, but it starts with my self respect intact and that's important to me. It starts with his respect for me too, and mine for him. Those are good seeds with which to grow a healthy tree. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:58:56 AM | On the first hand Scandalous "love the hat girlfriend!"
I will have to settle for a little less than 'what I think I deserve' because I deserve much more than can ever be offered by another. However!! I can offer myself much more than I deserve. Do ya see my direction??? LOL
You said: if my only choices are be lonely sometimes or be with someone that does not meet my needs "NOR I HIS"...then yes, I will choose lonely sometimes.
The 'NOR I HIS'....made me blink? I dont often blink!
I never considered the idea of whether I met his needs or not.
Actually it never crossed my mind until just now?
I always figured it was enough to feed him. Seriously!!
Well i'm not going to regret thinking about me....have a nice day  | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/13/2009 7:40:33 AM | Hi , This is old Bubbly and Fun. I have been monitoring this thread and Smileyfox said it so right....be happy with yourself first.......and Scandalous 2 also said never setlle for less. Both these ladies hit it right on the head but I would like to add a bit to their wonderful words of wisdom.
Sometimes you meet someone you think may be the one and they aren't ...but do not give up...sometimes you have to kiss alot of toads before you meet Prince Charming.
Nineteen months can make a difference.....
I met mine quite a few years ago here on pof but we never got together till 19 months ago. Since then He stood by me through alot of personal serious illnesses (actually a long series of them) that most men would have run away from in a heartbeat, as well as personal family crisises and still made me a part of his family and shared them with me , just because he loves me. I appreciate and love him dearly for just being him. His faults and all....if I tried to change him then he would not be the person I fell in love with. He loves me even though I am disabled now and taking 18 meds a day just to function and have a breathing machine so I maintain my oxygen levels. We know that eventually I may be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and he still is standing by me and maintaining he is still in for the long haul or 49 more yrs ( whichever comes first).
Crazygurl, love can come at any age and when you least expect it. My cousins say that God sent me an angel to take care of me and it was HIM, and she was right. AND it will happen for all of you. It is not about finding the right partner it is about being the right partner. Sometimes what can seem a toad to one person may be anothers treasure. It is good to be picky but it is also good to be open minded enough to ask "why?" Why is that person the way he is or why does he do things the way he does? Without knowing it people bring along baggage and sometimes having the foresight to realize that it is only baggage will help smooth the relationship through rough spots. Maintain your standards but do not be so quick to judge...every one has off days.
Loneliness is a state of mind. Even when you are a couple you can have lonely moments or be in a crowded room and be alone....the only one that can make you truly happy is yourself.....and when you are happy, the whole world smiles with you. Life is good.
All of you who have posted here, some , I know personally, are all wonderful and beautiful women who I really respect...I know it is only time you really find what you are looking for.....and it might just surprise you ...it is not that far away.
Bubbly | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:13:22 AM |
I never considered the idea of whether I met his needs or not.
That's pretty common, really. I doubt if most people think of it when they start dating, and I'm sure that most never do.
One of the best bits of dating advice I ever found was this: "If you want to have a perfect mate, first you have to be a perfect mate." It made me stop thinking exclusively about what I want, and put some thought into what I am. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:26:02 AM | | Exactly Dr. Wtf....it is NOT finding the "right partner" .....it is also about being the "right partner". Well Said!!!!! It all starts within yourself. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/15/2009 5:23:02 PM |
Crazygurl, love can come at any age and when you least expect it. My cousins say that God sent me an angel to take care of me and it was HIM, and she was right. AND it will happen for all of you. It is not about finding the right partner it is about being the right partner. Sometimes what can seem a toad to one person may be anothers treasure. It is good to be picky but it is also good to be open minded enough to ask "why?" Why is that person the way he is or why does he do things the way he does? Without knowing it people bring along baggage and sometimes having the foresight to realize that it is only baggage will help smooth the relationship through rough spots. Maintain your standards but do not be so quick to judge...every one has off days. well said bubbly and fun :) | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/16/2009 12:51:32 PM | I do know this!I have seen it.Just my way of feeling sorry for myself.Then I look around and know that it truly does happen when it's the time.
Very happy for you both Bubbly!!!There is someone for everyone,time showed me this. | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:08:49 AM | When I see couples out there, I know that things are not always as good as they look.. You listen to people's conversations sometimes and they are arguing with each other.. I feel blessed that I am not involved with anyone then..
Relationships come and go, in a person's lifetime.. I would rather have good friends, then have to worry about compatibility with someone else..!  | |
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| why must I be lonely?
Posted: 11/19/2009 6:36:59 AM | Compatibility is something that is natural and you do not have to worry about it, Katiee Beans.*warm smiles*
Yes, relationships come and go, as well friendships and all manner of other things come and go. Sometimes when you see couples out there , maybe you are catching them at a wrong time. You never know. People agrue....and they also make up. This is life and I congratulate the people who still care enough to agrue with their partner. It is when you don't care enough of the other person to even argue with them , you know it is over.
I congratulate you too, for feeling blessed that you are not involved with anyone but I also would like to point out not to judge all relationships as bad because a couple has fights in public. Sometimes agruments are about learning each other boundaries and what is acceptable to each other. We are not born knowing our partner's thoughts or wishes or dislikes or likes. That comes with time and learning daily through laughter , tears, talking, arguing and making memeories together. Just because couples agrue does not mean they will all end in splitting nor are they miserable in their relationship.. .
It is impossible for us to say that "things are not as good as they look." because we do not live 24/7 with these couples nor do we share their bed or private moments.
One thing I have finally learned is sometimes things are NOT what they seem but it is not my place to judge it or draw conclusions about what I have no knowledge of.
Bubbly | |
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