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 shakeslady
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 1
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Coming on strong, then disappearingPage 1 of 1    
I've had similar situations happen to me a couple of times (and so have some of my friends) and I'd love a guy's take on this:

I've had a great date or two (or three) with a guy, he asks if he can see me again, we make plans, he calls/texts frequently. A day or two before the date he cancels with some excuse and asks if we can reschedule. I offer some times that will work to reschedule the date, then never hear from him again. (Sometimes I follow-up with him and get no response.)

Keep in mind this is not the typical, "I'll call you" at the end of the date scenario (which we all know may or may not mean he'll call). This is a situation where the guy has actually asked me out again.

Do you think these guys have found someone more interesting in the meantime? Should I call a guy out on this weird behavior, or just let it go? (BTW -- I'm not sitting by the phone or computer waiting for these guys to get in touch. Life goes on and there are "plentyoffish". I'm just curious as to what's going on.)
 LD44
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 2
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:58:11 PM
Many reasons, It could be he is sitting on the fence and not sure about you, it could be another girl came by, or he is just filling in the empty time he has once in a while. but good idea not to just sit around and wait. I say let him make the next move and if he does it again put him on your do not date list
 Zebra Circle
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 3
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:07:52 PM
For whatever reason, he isn't into you. There must be some vibe you're sending him. It's possible that these guys want something more physical, yet you aren't indicating that you're willing to go down that path.

Hard to say for sure without meeting you, but it's safe to say that they aren't into you. 'Cause if they were, they wouldn't be cutting you out of their life.

Like someone else said, though, keep moving along with your life and refrain from waiting by the phone or Internet. I'm sure eventually, you'll meet that one guy who clicks with you.

Best.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 4
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Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:24:48 PM

Should I call a guy out on this weird behavior


Calling someone out would be the weird behavior, IMO!
 artist_48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 5
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:28:01 PM
You're overthinking this ,OP.

Getting to know someone is all part of the dating process. Best to know that it's not

going to work after 2-3 dates. The reason is immaterial at this stage of dating.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 6
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:33:30 PM
Ok I have to agree with the other women here, you had a couple of dates and they cancelled for whatever reason.
I have to tell you some of my best decisions not to date someone again has been after the 2nd date and yes at the time I was really into dating a third. I get home and think about it and well usually that is when the emails, phone calls, or text starts to get a bit possessive and I bail. Sorry that is just me.

If this is happening each and everytime you go out then the problem lies in you and not other person if this has happened only a few times say 1 out of 2o then let it go and realize there are plenty of frogs before you ever find a prince.

As for calling the guy why??? To me that screams desperate and D.R.A.M.A. and I would run like hell...


Good luck out here
 engineeringemo
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 7
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:45:31 PM
Ever heard of chaos theory? It's the idea that the beating of a set of butterfly wings in Toronto can cause hurricanes in Australia.

Seems irrelevant, until you realise that people's lives are complicated.

You'll get no definitive answer from forums, especially without knowing much about the person.

I can think of a few different scenarios where you might want to contact him again to show you're interested. I can think of a few different scenarios where you don't want to contact him again because he's a goon. After all, we men like to hide it, but we have insecurities too. If you really had such a great time, maybe he's worried that it seems too good to be true? On the other hand, maybe he's a player and he's forcing you to come to him so he can try to get the dominant frame?

If you want to try contacting him again, go ahead. You have nothing to lose if you keep your wits about you. Either you don't have this guy or you don't have this guy. You might get a feeling for what's going on for real if you try. Just remember to keep an open mind either way
 tropicalknights
Joined: 5/2/2009
Msg: 8
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:54:20 PM
There are many different reasons that this can happen. I know for me there is a fear of being burned and if you get the feeling that the woman really isn't that interested, you back off. Sometimes you think that you have communicated well, but often actions and words don't match up, so I start thinking; "this isn't going to end well, time to cut and run." Yea you're sitting there thinking; "well if you're not sure ask.", but aren't you doing the same thing? Do you make contact with them and find out what is going on, or do you leave/send a message saying you want him to call? He may have found someone else but I don't think that is the case, and calling him out on his behavior is a sure way to start an argument. If all you want is to complain to him, then just walk away.
 DemonDingleBerry
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 9
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:03:49 PM

Coming on strong, then disappearing

IME this has always meant the person behaved how they thought I wanted (coming on strong) in order to get me to like or accept them. Then got scared that is the way I expect them to behave all the time, or it became too much for them to keep up. And if they went back to their normal self, or who they really are, then they think I would judge them or reject them anyway for being "dishonest." So they ultimately reject themselves out of fear and insecurity.
So it's easier to disappear than act a completely different way and face possible recrimination.


Should I call a guy out on this weird behavior

Only if you think he is worth pursuing. Can speak honestly and openly. And don't mind if he can't for a while. Or you desire a lasting yo yo relationship where he does this once in a while (come on strong, be everything you want, and then disappear).

In simple words and IMO the whole thing is a person wanting a "relationship" idealize the "relationship" start doing anything to get to the holy "relationship" yet don't want to change their life at all so run away from all the implied promises and necessary upkeep after doing whatever it took to start a relationship.
 Butterfly~Effect
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 10
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:46:42 AM

Ever heard of chaos theory? It's the idea that the beating of a set of butterfly wings in Toronto can cause hurricanes in Australia.


Also called...The Butterfly Effect ...but you make a good point!

OP...personally, I wouldn't contact him...what's the point? As engineeringemo stated..peoples lives are complicated. But the bottom line is ...for whatever reason he didn't contact you....he would have if he WANTED to.

You said it's happened a couple of times...and each time the guy may have had a different reason...sorry to hear it happened to you..but it happens.
 Tinklesheepsheep
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 11
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:56:51 AM
This is the famous "who is on first" of dating.

The guy was a prioratizer. He had a chain of Plan B ladies in case the Plan A lady did not work out. The Plan K woman never heard from him (though she may have been on his favourite's list, for the purposes other than fantasies). Ladies Plan D to Plan J were sent a wink or a "You look great" message. The Plans A, B, and C ladies were put the pressure on. He had to choose one; and he did. It's not necessarily Ms. Plan A, some guys take the first avaible satisfactory opportunity irrespectve or rank.

I do too. I haven't been with a woman for ten years, because, very unfortunately, this is the method of attack for most women as well.

I have, however, made a potentially very good friend over the week-end (outside of PoF), and I may see a permanent smile on my face for a long time to come.

If you wonder why I put this in here, about the potential friend; it's because I wish to disclose to her my persona on this site, as I wish to hold no secrets from her, but I also wish to hang on to the huge opportunity of self-expression this site provides for me. I wish to make her understand that she has no competition as far as I am concerned, but she could follow my posts and my opinions, of which there are many, should she choose to do that.

It's all very complicated, but we must all realize we live in the 21st century.
 shakeslady
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 12
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Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:16:11 AM
"It's possible that these guys want something more physical, yet you aren't indicating that you're willing to go down that path."

That makes sense. I do take the physical side of things very slowly. Maybe I'm just weeding out the ones who expect sex by the third date.
 seekinking
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 13
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:00:36 AM
i can sure understand that feeling i just went thru that a couple of months ago and i see its somtimes is a promblem with him maybe hes just afraid of being hurt wich was my friends case to show him that i was only about him was more work than dateing him so i had to let it go you know what they say if its yours let it go and they will come back
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 14
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:16:11 AM
If he does it after the first date, it could be because his interest was only lukewarm or he thought you weren't all that interested. If it happens after the second or third date, it could be that he thought things didn't move fast enough. He could have also found someone else. You say you aren't sitting by the computer or waiting for these guys to call. Does that mean they might call several times without you returning a call or that you don't call them? If so, that would be enough to make me look elsewhere.
 shakeslady
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 15
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Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:08:15 AM
"Does that mean they might call several times without you returning a call or that you don't call them? "

No, not at all. I'm very good about returning calls and emails promptly unless I'm out of town or something. I just meant that I'm not sitting around desperately waiting for them to call or email me. Usually I'll call or email a guy after the cancelled date if he indicated a desire to reschedule, but rarely more than once. If he doesn't say he wants to get together again I usually don't contact him.

I've learned from experience that most guys say what they mean -- if he wants to see you again he'll say so, if he doesn't he won't ("I'll call you" doesn't necessarily mean anything). I totally get that many guys will disappear rather than risk a confrontation and/or hurting your feelings. If they weren't interested at all and just disappeared, I'd get it. It's the part about them asking me out again, making plans, THEN disappearing that's confusing.
 Tinklesheepsheep
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 16
Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:18:10 AM
"It's the part about them asking me out again, making plans, THEN disappearing that's confusing."

Hm. That is a very real concern. Have you considered reading through message 13 here?

Msg 16 is even better, but it does not answer your particular dilemma righ there in the quote from you in this post.

--------------

"Ever heard of chaos theory? It's the idea that the beating of a set of butterfly wings in Toronto can cause hurricanes in Australia."

Hm. I would have imagined that chaos does not cause ordered things to behave in any way, because ordered things (such as a globe) behave in an orderly way.

Conversely, in true chaos, there is no order, an in a sense there could be so little order that even rules of the material world don't apply. If that is the case, nothing can cause anything else; things just happen. This is the exact reason I don't believe that flutters of butterfly wings can cause anything via the workings of the chaos theory. Chaos to me means "no order" which inherently implies, "no cause, no effect."
 SISSINGHURST
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 17
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Coming on strong, then disappearing
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:34:06 AM
Do not feel bad ... I never ge past the email stage. The one guy I liked decided he did not want to communicate any more. It so unfortunate that women are not allowed to be the pursuer. If so ... we will be able to do exactly what the guys do "rack em and weed them out!"
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