| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:20:47 PM | I've been getting more than a few messages on this site, and similar comments in 'real life' on a certain theme ever since I turned 30 ...
Why is it that so many people think that - oh - now you've turned 30 you must be looking to 'settle down' (whatever that means) and/or have kids.
I don't feel any different than a short time ago when I was 29. I didn't magically become interested in serious relationships or children on my 30th birthday. I'm still happy hanging out with my friends, dating casually and putting most of my energy into my job. I still like to go out, travel, and I still haven't even lived in the same city for more than two years.
So I have two questions
First - other girls over 30 - do people assume this is true of you too?
Second - is it true that most girls over 30 are interested in these things, and I'm the weird one? | |
|
| |
| |
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:39:19 PM | Your normal since everyone is different. If someones view is different than yours and they try to push it on you tell them to jump off a bridge. This site censors as my usual comment to them is much harsher.
Live anyway you want and enjoy every moment of it. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:43:30 PM |
Why is it that so many people think that - oh - now you've turned 30 you must be looking to 'settle down' (whatever that means) and/or have kids.
Because that's what they did? And if they can get you to do what they did, then that means their choice was right?
Because that's what they want? Or at least it's a test question to see if you are going to stop moving out of state every two years or months so will stick around long enough for a meaningful relationship?
Because that's what they expect? Because they ran into the same expectations of others, it became the norm, and they are just passing it on to you?
do people assume this is true of you too?
People assume women want kids (especially if they don't have access to your profile stating you don't want kids). People assume that since a lot of "statistics" show the majority of women starting families are at a later age, then women of a later age must be looking to start a family. Because you do run out of time. Well, to have kids yourself.
is it true that most girls over 30 are interested in these things, and I'm the weird one?
No such thing as a weird one. Although a lot of people like to think they are weird, so as not to be like everyone else. Fulfills their self image and all that. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:48:25 PM |
Isn't it about time you start thinking of yourself as a woman, rather than a girl?
I realise people have their own opinions of what makes a man a man and a woman a woman but that's rediculous. I find it cool to see a woman who ignores tradition and leads a life of adventure. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would share in it. To each their own, I say! | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:13:23 PM | IMO, OP, you are trying to justify your own beliefs and decisions you have made based on this statement:
The word 'woman' has implications for me that are not positive.
You not only don't understanding who you are yet, you are denying who your are.
You even call yourself a girl so as not to have to call yourself a woman.
You will not understand the ramifications of your own question until you can
understand yourself. IMO. (*stated with the best of intentions*) | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:19:38 PM | Lmao!!!
How on earth can you make a statement like that about someone you know absolutely nothing about? What kind of person are you?
Actually, maybe I should ask you what kind of person I am - since you must know since you say I am 'denying who I am'.
Must be nice to instantly know deep and important things and feelings of people thousands of miles away, who you've never met and know nothing about. Wish I had that power! Wow you have got some delusions. And balls.
Great grammar too - "You not only don't understanding" - ?! | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:39:58 PM | Well, all I can say is - if having children and settling down is the marker for becoming a woman, I cant ever remember when I was a girl!
I chose at a very young age to start my family, marriage, university, career - I did it all way early.
But that was my choice for what made me happy - and you are free to make yours.
If you are happy being who you are - then continue on. The world is full of people who are quick to judge, apply labels and parameters, boundaries, markers, changepoints - and also to criticize - if there were as many good hearted considerate people in the world as there are the other - we would be in very good shape as a planet.
You will have most people assume you are seeking marriage at your age because in their mind 30 is almost over the hill - time to be put out to pasture - if she isnt married she has to do it soon or what? She wont ever get a man when she is over 35, and having children at 40 is unspeakable in so many ways in the minds of these same people. Its a whole thought process they do within literally 2 seconds and come to the only conclusion .. 30 = married with children and if she isnt she is desperately seeking that.
But - you will find as you look around there are more and more men who have yet to have children or have a serious relationship at the age of 35. I know this because when I left my marriage and sought out a new man - low and behold I had already done everything most of them in my age group hadnt even thought about.
You dont seem like the type of person to rush yourself because of popular opinion or peer/family pressure - and I suggest you stay just as you are. Happy and content.
I have a friend who is just like you - well she was - now she is 40 and just married 2 years ago and is setting to have her first child. (coincidentally she met her husband on the lavalife website eh hem) She never had a desire for these things until she met him. HE is the one who she wanted to be attached to forever, never thought about wanting to be with anyone forever until him.
She is 9 months pregnant - all things look great with the pregnancy and both mom and babies health - she is fit, confident, career driven, in true love for the very first time, and excited about being a mother. If you asked her just 5 years ago what she was going to do with her life - trust me - this would NOT have been in any part of her answer.
No worries suga - keep doin you - however that breaks down the most important thing is that you are healthy and happy.
Besides - sex just gets better when you hit 30/31 - well for me it did - would be a travesty if you were tied to the wrong guy when that switch in your libido was flipped! Woo Woo! lol
(sorry for the long response - my bad - good luck -  ) | |
|
| |
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:15:56 PM | Old, saddled with too many responsibilities and cares, trapped, and so on.
I always think of my mother, aunts and friends mothers when I think of the word 'woman'. And none of that has anything to do with me. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:32:08 PM | Your assumptions trap you. Not society, not a man, not any female role models you may have had. By deciding to NOT be like the women in your life, you give them power. Making any decision based on another's choices, whether that be in the same vein or swimming up another stream...you're still making them based on another person's life choices.
So...do your thing.
If you're running from something or toward something, do that. But don't do it because you're trying to tell yourself you're "different". You don't have that urgency knocking at your ovaries, that's all. You may never have it! Lots of men don't have that father gene. They want their partner to be theirs forever. No sharing, no sacrificing, no forgoing sleep or vacations or late nights out having fun. You can justify all you like about the reasons not to have children. You don't really need to. It's your choice.
The thing that should concern you is why you don't feel the need to set down roots of any sort. If it's an excuse not to start your life, then that's a concern. If you think it's exciting to always be starting over, then that's a concern, too. That speaks volumes to a man who may think you're the bees' knees. He may be hesitant to hook his aspirations to you in case you decide it's time to leave and he can't follow.
Also, to ignore a thoughtful comment like Urban Flavor made to support your stance, without the smallest acknowlegement shows your self absorption.
Life doesn't "trap" us. We trap ourselves. It's called roots. Ties. Devotion and dedication. Don't make it sound like it's a life sentence for those of us who've made that choice. That's childish arrogance. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:41:01 PM | "First - other girls over 30 - do people assume this is true of you too?"
Yep, all the time. People often assume I have a husband and kids IRL. But nope, not last I checked, and I am not senile yet. But since my area teaches lamas(sp?) as a high school class.... It goes up there w/ "why are you still single?" or "couldn't find a man to put up w/ you?" I blow it off and move onto my next interest in life.
"Second - is it true that most girls over 30 are interested in these things, and I'm the weird one? "
Most girls in my area are interested in "settling down", "having a family" etc. in their 20's. So I am the odd ball. The really odd thing is more and more 20-somethings are telling me I am a role model?!?!?!?!?!???? Seems the baby-boom is beginning to burst.
You aren't odd. You are just different. Not everyone is a Suzie homemaker/martha stewart type. And that is perfectly OK. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:58:40 PM | So be a carefree, irresponsible woman. You can make it yours.
Calling yourself a girl won't stop you from getting older though. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:22:33 PM |
And none of that has anything to do with me. Unless you had a sex change, you should have started your period and at that point you became a woman physically. As far as maturity, you haven't reached that. You are denying that you aren't in the same classification as your mother, aunts and friends' mothers (don't pick on other people's grammatical or spelling errors the ' goes after s in friends, we all make mistakes, I make tons).
You aren't considered a young woman any more. You are beyond the average age for getting married so naturally people will question it. I don't see getting so upset over aging. Accept it, if you want to be a "spinster" that is your choice. If you don't want to have children, that is your choice. This world is made up of all types of people, sexual orientations etc. I didn't check your profile to see if you are even a lesbian. Because of averages and norms, people ask and question. If they see you with a child, they will think it is yours and say things like it looks like you or what does your husband do etc. If it really bothers you, you really need to deal with whatever it is that bothers you so much about it. Mean time, just try and smile and be glad someone cares that much about you. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:57:47 PM | oblivion, I think I can understand where you are coming from on this issue. It isn't the thing about the "age" but what activities are associated at that age. Yes, by not settling down, there are much less stresses on life which "age" people.
However, the thing is that I feel like Jacob Marley's ghost in this thread ... I have been able to live the "glamorous" life that you portray. At the wonderful age of 42, I have a house that I could sell overnight and the only "children" that I have walk around on four leg, have fur, and purr quite a bit. Save for my job at the present time, there is nothing that ties me to where I live. (Maybe I'm a "boy" and not a "man" ... who knows ...) At any rate, the point is that it is a lot less glamorous lifestyle at my age as one may believe. There are times that I think whether I might have missed out at something in life. After all, who will bury us when we die ...
Anyways, to answer your original post, I think it has to do with the way that society looks at people - both men and women. Basically, you get a "free ride" through your twenties, but by your thirties, people start looking at you to start to settle down. In some ways, I think that it is good - you don't want everyone entering into a Peter Pan complex for the rest of their life.
The best of luck to you. | |
|
| |
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:02:23 AM | I'm 35 and get asked all the time if I'm married or if I have kids. And people are surprised when I tell them I'm single. I do want a partner and children, but I'm not about to just marry someone because I'm getting older and my fertility is declining. If it's meant to be, it'll happen...
My friends and I refer to each other as girls socially. I identify as a girl because I feel youthful, but I also am proud to be a woman. I have a great education and a professional job and have travelled the world and have done many things that make me proud to be me, and make me proud to be a woman.
I find it interesting that you associate the term 'woman' with being old and saddled with responsibilities. I have so much respect and admiration for women who are 'old' (like my mother and other older women I look up to), and I only hope that I can grow into a woman like that.
We live in a Peter Pan culture where youth and beauty is valued more than experience, wisdom and fortitude. I find that sad.
I hate to break it to you, but you ARE a woman... personally, I find that to be a wonderful thing :) | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:01:25 AM | I associate the word woman with negative things because, in all seriousness, none of the 'women' I have never known have been happy about their lives overall. I've seen them all have happy moments here and there, mostly with their kids, but in general they are stressed, worried, over-worked and criminally under appriciated.
I could just never bear to be in a situation where my husband does his thing with work, hobbies, and so on, and considers my job, the kids, extended family obligations, the house, and pretty much everything else to be my work to do.
I guess to me, 'woman' has connotations of someone who's own life has basically ended and she just lives now to help pretty much everyone else.
I've made the decision never to have children, because I know I can not fulfill the role of 'mother'. Some people see the logic in my choice and respect me for it, but others judge me (as some on this thread have already, without knowing the first thing about me really) as irresponsible, immature etc. I'm proud of myself for not giving into people's idea of 'the norm' and ending up being another bad mother in this world. After two years in social work, and six years in teaching, I've seen more than enough of them. So I'm totally at peace with not having children.
What gets me so angry is that everyone - men AND women - constantly assume I must want a serious relationship/marriage. But worse than that - because I don't have one, they assume I must be sad and lonely, or there is something wrong with me that I can't "catch" a man! That's my wtf moment. I love it when I have a boyfriend around, and I love it when I'm single. Both states have good and bad things about them. It's people assuming things without knowing me, and projecting their shit onto me that gets me grinding my teeth.
And as for 'Mia' ... since you saw fit to make judgements about my personality based on one post, and call me nasty things, I'll return the favor - you are harsh and gross. I didn't know I had to thank or comment on every single person who posts in a thread I created. Calling me self absorbed for that is ridiculous. You must be a total Judgey McHolier-than-thou.
To Urban Flavor - what you said was super sweet, thoughtful, and very nice indeed, but again, I didn't think I had to respond to every post. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:34:22 AM | Hi OP.
Meh, people make assumptions and judgements all the time.
I sort of understand the reluctance you have to identify with being called a woman, if it has that many negative connotations for you,.. but people are gonna call you a woman anyway,.. i'd not get my knickers in a twist about it if I were you, after all, its just a word.
Whats more important,.. is to be yourself, and happy with that.
Im 39, never been married, and have no children and never want any.
It will be assumed by most men that I have at least had a live in situation, or a LTR,.. neither of which are true.
Its their experiences that shape their assumptions.
When anyone learns of my woeful lack of experience in relatinships, they automatically think theres something wrong with me, or that I'm strange.
It gets annoying.
Annoying to the point that i dont bother with these cynical, jaded, old before their time types.
I'm not a dizzy kid, but parts of me remain child like, because they havent been knocked out of me by hard experiences.
I prefer to keep it that way.
I am me, not every other 'woman' theyve ever been with.
I now keep one eye open for someone who actually likes the idea of a woman who is also still a young girl in some ways..anyone who wants to turn me into a clone of their ex wife, or partner, or expects me to have the wisdom or lesser expectations of a woman who's been around the block several times will be severely dissapointed.
Revel in your difference OP.
I do. G. x | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:22:15 AM | IMO, when people ask, “when are you settling down?” it is an idle chit chat maker. Just like when a couple gets married, the next question from everyone’s lips will be “when are you guys having a baby?” or “when are you two buying a house?” Save for close family and friends, the bulk of the populace doesn’t give two shits about whether or not someone settles down or raises a family. This type of stuff is nothing more than small talk and certainly NOT something to be taken as a personal insult (and if you feel guilt, anxiety, or anger about this shit, then the problem is with YOU).
Also, riddle me this. How are the stupid assumptions people make about “girls” over 30 any DIFFERENT than the stupid assumptions that YOU make about “women” who chose to be wives and mothers?
Do you NOT see your own judgmental hypocrisy? Just sayin'. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:25:23 AM | Wow you're a combative little thing aren't you?
I'm not talking about people making small talk. I wouldn't start a thread about idle questions from strangers. I'm talking about coworkers, siblings and parents of friends, my own extended family and so on.
Oh and I love how people all over these boards write personally and pointedly rude statements and then put 'just sayin'. Sure. Whatever. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:29:17 AM | | Some of us can't have children if we tried. It's kind of sad when we also get people making assumptions that we should settle down after 30. I'm 40. Mixed signals about what we should be when, make we want a peppermint lest I should barf. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:04:20 AM |
Wow you're a combative little thing aren't you?
I am not a “combative little thing”, just someone with an opinion that differs from your own. Your ad hominem attacks do nothing to support your position. I did NOT insult you; I just pointed out what I felt was blatant hypocrisy. You ARE judging and making assumptions about an ENTIRE group of people: “women” who opt to be wives and mothers. IMO, you are no better than those you complain about, and I stand by my opinion whether you like it or not. | |
|
| Making assumptions about girls over 30
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:03:08 AM | Assume = make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Perfect thread for this example. :)
People assume that a girl over 30 will settle because that is what most women seek. That's just how it works. I get asked when I'm going to find a girlfriend all the time, and yeah it can get annoying but when it comes from family I know they care about me and want to show concern.
I think people are basing psychology too much on this question and ignoring the fact that people will put you into the group of conformity, women who settle. I don't know why people try to pick your brain apart when everyone is different and we will never pin you over the internet of all places. Nor should you care, your life is different and you'll continue to raise brows and stand out.
You should be smart enough that when guys make that assumption about you that they really are asking a question. How you answer it can be a deciding factor on whether the guy would want to further persue you, nevermind that he wants the same thing. Relax and don't get so uptight about it. | |
|
Home
login 
