| need some closure...
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:37:31 PM | Here's the basic story. I met a guy on here end of last year. We met, continued to talk via msn and text, then we slowly drifted apart. I don't hear from him until a few months later and we decide to have coffee and meet up, just as friends. I realise that I was attracted to him, and let him know. To cut story short, we ended up going out. That was in March. When we first started dating, we knew there'd be obstacles. We live quite far from each other (30 min drive from my place to his), plus I'm a full time uni student whereas he works full time 5 days a week. But, I figure we could get over those minor obstacles, and the first few months, I put in all my energy and effort into arranging meetings and activities with him. Things are looking great. Several times a week, I'd meet him for lunch on his lunch break, and sometimes even cancelled plans I'd made with friends, just so I could see him, even if it was only for half an hour but I didn't care.
However in the last month or so our relationship started going downhill. Its true that we were so busy we rarely saw each other, him with his work and me with my uni work (assignments, exams and whatnot) but I still tried my best. The last time I saw him in person was about a month ago, right before my exams. BUT I still had hope, and kept arranging something for us in the weekends. But problem was, every time I tried to organise something for us, he'd always have a reason to back out, whether it was this party or a night out in town drinking- whatever. Being the nice naive person I was, I just let it slide every time. Afterall, you have to draw the line at how much control you can have as a gf. I couldn't really tell him not to go out or attend those parties. This continued for about 4 weeks in a row. Last Saturday was cancelled because he said it would be chaotic with all the flatmates moving in and out, and that it wouldn't be fair on them or me. On Wed night this week (it was quite late by then) he suddenly, out of the blue, asks if I could stay at his place on Friday night, and I say no because he KNOWS I'm never free on Friday night. I don't get a reply back from him so I just assume he fell asleep. On Thurs morning this week, I ask if he had plans for this Saturday night, as I was hoping we could get together for the weekend. He tells me he has a "leaving party" (2nd one so far) that night. He also said he was busy during the day when I tried making plans to see a movie together. What he was "busy" with though, he never said. Later that Thurs, I'm busy having lunch when I suddenly get a text from him, basically telling me he's breaking up with me. At first I think he's only joking but soon realise he's dead serious. It was a HUGE shock for me. Apparently his reason for us breaking up was that we weren't seeing each other often enough, which is fair enough, but then again, HE was the one who kept backing out of every plan I made for us, so really, it was all his fault. Nothing I do or say will change his mind, cos he said he'd actually been thinking about breaking up for a few days now. On the day he broke up with me, I cried on at least 3 different occasions. I'm afraid to say this break up has affected me more than I thought it would. I truly believed he was the one for me. Maybe not so far as being husband material, but definitely long term at the very least. My close friend was extremely angry and shocked at what he'd done, because she knew how much energy and effort I'd put into the relationship. And all for what? It seems all that time and energy was wasted. I'm sure he knew that it was partly his fault that we didn't see each other as often as we'd liked, but he refuses to acknowledge it. I even asked him if he would've changed his plans this Saturday night, to cancel a party to spend time with me instead, and he said that he was dead set, and wouldn't change his plans for this weekend. When he said that, it just broke up my heart, knowing that he wouldn't even make a little sacrifice for me. Also, we'd recently gone past our 3rd month anniversary only a week ago, so for him to break up so soon was devastating. I'm due for a 2 week holiday and he KNEW that, which meant I would've had as much free time as I wanted to see him, but he wouldn't even wait 1 more week until I was truly free to see him as much as I liked, to give me a chance to make things right.
Sometimes I think back, and wonder if maybe, I was a little too eager?? Maybe I had put in too much effort, so he became lazy? I always think about the What Ifs and whether things may have turned out differently. Maybe I should've seen the warning signs earlier. I've noticed that we'd become more and more distant in the last couple of months. He rarely replies to my texts, and even when he does, the texts always consist of 5 words or less. But I always assume he's probably busy with work, hence the rare texts. He also never comes online, and whenever I called him, I always feel as though I'm the obsessed or possessive gf, so I stopped calling him. So our only form of communication was via text. I wonder if his lame excuse was in fact to cover up for something else, maybe something has happened in his life that he hadn't told me about? Or maybe, he cheated on me and didn't want me to find out, so quickly broke up to cover it?? I'm trying to think what I'd done wrong, what do you think I should've done?? COULD anything have been done to prevent this? I'm not trying to make a pity thread, I just don't understand how we could've broken up over something that could be easily fixed! | |
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| need some closure...
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:44:29 PM | No nothing could have been done. From the looks of it he was hiding something due to his contact methods. Either he didn't know how to break it off or he was seeing someone else.
Its done now and time to move forward, not live in the past. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 7:54:09 PM | | holly batman get me my extra eyes this is alot of reading | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 8:03:03 PM | | Something simular happened to me. and its not going to help you keep thinking about if you could of changed something because really the past is now the past and it wont make a difference., and thinking about what you could of done to change it wont change it. You should move on, he spends his time going ot parties and getting drunk (which fyi kills your brain cells what a waste of time) instead of spending time withsone who cared about him. You'll find someone who will truly be grateful for the efford you put into your relationships | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 8:11:10 PM |
need some closure...
No you don't. I was with a girl for eight years and then she split. I wanted nothing more than to talk to her and ask her why, and blah blah blah. But then I realized, "closure" is just another way to say "I still love you, and I'd like to talk to again so that I can convince you that you made a mistake, and then you'll love me too, and we can be together again" I realized that I needed a new life, not closure. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 8:15:28 PM | First off I should ask you was it REALLY that much of a shock...? It sounds like you were the one making all of the effort and he was fine with being the passenger in this relationship. You did learn a huge lesson: no matter how much you try, you can never put in enough effort to make up for your partner's lack of it. You can never make it work on your own. It takes two. Why did you want to be with him long term and have to put in that kind of effort for that long? Perhaps you were more upset that you've wasted all of that time and energy and he got off with a pretty easy ride in the end and is now free to be with someone else - meanwhile you're left holding the bag.
You're quite young...so honestly, you learned a HUGE lesson early on and you didn't have to pay 5-10 years to learn it. At least he finally let you go - it sounded like you would have put up with it regardless. So my first advice is to never do that again. Only spend your effort on a man who at least reciprocates it. Honestly I'd rather they make that kind of effort first and when you're a couple, you can make equal effort from there on (it shouldn't really be measured quite like that, but you'll know it when one of you isn't giving enough effort). When you're in the market for a relationship, you need to sample quickly. Don't sit at one sample stand for too long trying to fill your need for a relationship because that's not what it's designed for. Test the waters and if you're not getting what you want/REQUIRE in return, move on to the next one. It sounds like he had a lot of qualities you liked (to see him as a long-term match - although the "probably not husband material" is worry-some!) but you can't put all your chips on the table for a hand that looks like it has potential!
At the end of the day, he wasn't that into you. If you had required him to make an effort to see you more often he probably would have not entered the relationship in the first place. This is why you need expectations and boundaries set up BEFORE entering a relationship...if they say "I can't do that" then you don't have to waste your time, money, energy and LOVE on them. Don't try to make all the effort for the first part of the relationship hoping that he'd eventually shape up and treat you how you'd like to be treated (and deserve to be treated) just because you're afraid someone with his credentials might not come around again because that's not true. Understand that you're quite a catch! Any girl that would make that much effort in a relationship and have that much understanding (no way I would have put up with that much partying at the expense of the relationship!) is a huge catch - so demand a huge catch for yourself, not some schmuck who found you to be convenient for the time being and instead of telling you he didn't want to do it anymore, he slowly pushed you away until it was easier for him to break it off (aka, selfishness)! | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 8:20:04 PM | You were never really with him so there was never really a break up. You call it a three month anniversary, but dropping plans and seeing someone on lunch isnt "going" with someone.
He couldnt cheat because you were not a couple.
Yes you were way too eager. Arent you worth more? | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 8:38:06 PM | | Yeah, you dont need closure...just judging from that wall of text (no I am not going to read it)....you just need to learn to move on.... | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 9:19:12 PM | Luv,
It is nothing you did or didn't do. If he truly wanted it to work, he would have put the same effort into it as you. It's clear he did not. When you find the right guy for you... you will know. Their won't be a "what if" factor. I don't care what people say, but when you meet the right person... you will know. Never, ever, ever, settle for anything less.
Good luck. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 10:00:40 PM |
I'm not trying to make a pity thread, I just don't understand how we could've broken up over something that could be easily fixed!
I don't understand infinity, but somehow or another it exists. We don't need to understand everything just to keep on living. Just do it. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2009 11:46:20 PM | Ok.
He dated you and slowly led you off the hook because he had someone else he wanted to spend time with(he may not tell you though or insist that he isn't seeing or plan to see anyone else) then he got dumped/or other way around, came back to you, till he find a new target.
I know it's tricky to understand this but this happens all the time among my girlfriends. There is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Write a letter or email to him and send it to yourself (instead of him), delete his number and don't pick up calls from him or better yet, ask him not to call you or contact you anymore. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2009 1:43:49 PM | Girlfriend, this is a LOT of information. You're holding onto a LOT of details, instead of moving on. I think in general some of the other forums would tell you that guys do this stuff, wander off without explanation and sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Nobody's good at breaking up - don't expect that and you'll be less disappointed.
I only want to say that if someone chooses a night on the town drinking instead of spending time with you - that should be it, he's not really into a relationship right now. (Or not into you, despite your efforts.) I'm older than you and this would not have been as big a deal when I was younger, but when someone would rather drink than (frankly) have sex - what does that tell you? He's gone, move on, be glad. Look for someone willing to make as much effort to be with you as you're willing to make. The more time you waste on guys who wander off, and if you spend more time grieving that relationship than you spent enjoying it, is all time you could be having fun with friends and looking elsewhere for a better match.
Good luck! Keep trying! | |
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Posted: 7/4/2009 3:14:39 PM |
Yeah, you dont need closure...just judging from that wall of text (no I am not going to read it)....you just need to learn to move on....
Huge +1 from me. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2009 6:04:32 PM | You don't need closure.
You just need a hobby that doesn't involve typing!
My eyes bled at the sight of your post! | |
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Posted: 7/5/2009 2:42:14 AM |
I'm sorry you got hurt. If it's any consolation, it happens to everyone.
I used to think the best thing to do was to pick myself up and go find someone new. With 10 years of hindsight, I realize that this was wrong. What you need to do is concentrate on YOU for a while, rather than looking for somebody else. Develop your career, interests and keep yourself busy. Once you become happy enough with your life, you won't care about guys so much. Which oddly enough is when you meet them the most. | |
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Posted: 7/6/2009 7:06:13 AM | Girl you should be happy he ended it instead of continuing to string you along like he did. From everything you have said it seems to me like he wasn't that interested in you to begin with......
When a guy is interested in a girl he will go out of his way to be with her.....& I mean out of his way.........
if he still keeps in contact with you every now in then is because he wants to keep the open possibility of having sex with you. It is obvious that he asked you to stay over Friday nite because he wanted sex, but since you gave him a definite No he blew you off for a few days and then contacted you to break it off.
Unfortunately us women have the tendency of letting love blind us or we let our feelings get in the way of seeing all the signs a guy throws out there for us to
see/realize/&discover....... we tend to over look things due to the fact that we don't want to be alone & especially if we are attracted to a guy we so easily don't want to give that up........................
a guy will overlook a woman's physical as long as she has confidence, personality & attitude that will attract him like a magnet........Men need some kind of umff that will keep them strung along to you.
If having a busy schedule, living 30 minutes away from one another, & being able to make time to hang out with you is such an inconvenience for him chances are they are an inconvenience for him........due to the Fact s that He's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true & I speak from experience.
In the real world people beat around the bush & make excuses as to why they do the things they do instead of manning up to the awful truth because we don't want to hurt people feelings....FACT of the matter is that they will not tell us that they are not that into us....instead they will give us a bunch of excuses as oh I'm a busy person, or they will ignore our messages & say oh hey....... sorry I never got your message or what ever the excuse.....they have plenty of them. In order for us to find the other half that completes us we need to LOVE SMART
Did you know there is no perfect man out there, but there is one out there that will be 80% of what we want & well the other 20% he can learn to become or we can learn to live with....Anyhow hope some of my mumbo jumbo has been of some help. | |
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Posted: 7/6/2009 7:21:34 AM | A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...
Seriously, was anyone else hearing the Star Wars theme song as this wall of text was scrolling up the screen??
"The last time I saw him in person was about a month ago, right before my exams."
And yet you've been dating for 3 months.
So, to put it in perspective, you dated for two months, at which point the two of you began studying, and drinking (respectively), rather than dating.
He did not want to wait a week, because in his mind this decision was made about a month ago, but he did not want to hit you with it until your exams were done. | |
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Posted: 7/6/2009 9:26:38 PM | the iffy part that gets me is he knew you had 2 weeks you could possibly spend in his territory. wich if he had a girl there was 2 weeks he would have to make excuses to not see.
Sounds to me you are better off now | |
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SPF30
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Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 20 | |
| need some closure...
Posted: 7/6/2009 9:56:55 PM |
e rarely replies to my texts
He got tired of typing. | |
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