| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:15:10 PM | | Hi. I need some perspective please. So I have been dating this woman for over a month. We have gone out 4 times now, and it was only on our last date that I kissed her (I would have before, but she gave me no signals that it would be appropriate). She makes a point of calling me "friend" in her emails to me. And the kiss, while awesome, was very... preliminary. Now I am perfectly happy to take it slow. I really like her. I should add that she is 38 and has never been married. I'm 34 and recently divorced. On the other hand, she is the one who asks me out at the end of every date. She emails me frequently. And she seems interested. Just very platonic. Or maybe just very cautious. My gut tells me to just be patient and to go at her pace. But some of my friends and family feel like there are red flags at this point. Any advice from some ladies, particularly anyone who feels like you have been in her shoes? | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:25:58 PM | | What are the red flags they think they feel about this? Why are you talking to them about it? I have a feeling you aren't perfectly happy to take it this slow. | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:28:32 PM | | She's doing all the asking and initiating, so clearly she is interested. Personally I would see it as a red flag if the guy never did the asking. What red flags do your friends mean? | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:35:46 PM | Since you're recently divorced, are you both ultimately looking for the same thing - dating/ltr? She could just be going super slow because you so recently divorced. Personally, not every woman will date a guy fresh out of a marriage, not if they're looking for long term anyways. I think she just wants to be sure that she's not the rebound girl.
HR  | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:38:23 PM | No I really am happy to take it slow. I don't have any issues with that. And as to why I am talking to my friends and family, that's kind of just who I am. I ask for a lot of feedback, suggestions, advice. Ultimately, I definitely go my own way, but I'm always trying to get perspective.
Also, I asked her out on the first date, and asked her out on the most recent date, so it is not like I have not expressed interest.
The truth is, I think I know that I need to just go at her pace. I'm kind of new at this though, and therefore probably not as confident in following my gut as I should be. So I wanted to ask you all.
Have any women here ever felt like you are in this situation? One thought I have had is maybe the fact that I am so recently divorced is making her proceed with caution -- which I would both understand and respect. | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:45:35 PM |
What are the red flags they think they feel about this? Why are you talking to them about it? I have a feeling you aren't perfectly happy to take it this slow.
Azalea, in this particular case, you have no idea what you're talking about.
Of course we discuss women and anybody else with our friends and families any time we feel like it.
Red flags:
#1
OP, you've only gone out 4 times in one month, that's really weird for someone who is interested, regardless of whether you have kids. Especially at your age, when we're all adults and professionals with jobs.
#2 She has never been married at 38, and she's about your education/prof. experience level?
That's a half red flag.
#3 She calls you friend in the e-mails, yet asks you out at the end of every date?
That's just ... really weird.
Since you like her, just keep going out.
Depending on your personality, you might want to bring the "friend" issue up.
Waiting on the sex for as long as it takes until she's ready is cool.
However, lack of other physical affection (kissing, hugging etc...) is not cool at all. 
I'd ask "baby, do you think we a couple? " | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:46:30 PM | | I don't know....my instincts tell me it wouldn't be a good idea to ask her about this. I don't want to seem like I am pressuring her. Especially because I am really not. I really actually would like to think that a big part of it relates to me being recently divorced, her not wanting to be the rebound girl. etc. Because ultimately I think I can work through that. Slowly. I'm not particularly concerned, to respond to that idiot up-thread, with getting laid. The thing I worry about, is just mis-reading a kind of friendly banter, for caution. I don't know. I'm not articulating this particularly well. | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:50:21 PM | You're articulating this just fine, IMO.
Since you like her, just go out with her some more.
I understand your reluctance to ask her about this, and you don't have to do it now, but if it continues for another month, you have to ask.
The reason you and your family have concerns about this, is because this is not how relationships typically start (only in cheesy movies). Hormones are a powerful thing, and you cannot hide physical attraction. Yes, we have very developed brains, but physical attraction /chemistry is the main driver in the romantic relationship.
So if you have some chemistry, keep going :) | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:25:39 PM | | Mandakay, I really disagree. I know that is something that is easy to say, but the truth is I can ask an anonymous forum because there are no ramifications to the question. I can just get some perspective, maybe here from some people who have been in similar situations. If, however, I confront her with the question, I may put her in an uncomfortable situation. I might make her feel like she needs to move at a pace where she is uncomfortable. Or I might make her express some concerns that she has that she is quietly evaluating. Basically I can post this here because there is no down-side. I think the answers I need will come in their own time. I just wanted to get a few more perspectives. Again, thank you all for taking the time. | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:44:11 PM | A kiss after first four dates is "slow" in your opinion? I think it's healthy, dude. However, watch what happens in another 3 dates. If it's still "preliminary kisses" then I'd be worried.
"On the other hand, she is the one who asks me out at the end of every date." That could be another reason why is it slower than you would like. Is there any way you could ask her? Don't wait for the end of the date. Suggest something fun for the next time you see each other. She might be worried that you have too little interest in her. If I were in her shoes I woudn't bother with you any further beyong the first date, since you didn't ask.
If you want a relationship - DON'T discuss the details like this with your friens and family. Just don't. Why? Because they tell you what would work for them, but they are not you. | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:37:35 PM | You're not showing very much confidence in yourself or your decision making abilities... Do what comes naturally to you, if she rejects a passionate kiss then you'll either know you're her new platonic friend or, she'll reciprocate and, if it's getting too steamy before she's ready .. well hopefully she knows herself enough and she'll let you know that she enjoyed it, but isn't ready for the kiss to go to the next level yet.
You're both adults afterall. | |
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| Advice on a woman who is taking it very slow
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:08:21 AM | this isnt so hard to answer.
if you really like her just like you said.
then it shouldnt matter what you and her do,
just the time spending together is all you need.
if you're not happy then you must not like her as much as you did.
or* you liked her for something other than girl friend type. ect.
dont rush actions.
thhis is me just answering.
so dont jump all on lil O me. | |
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