| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:17:53 PM | Hi! So I have been single since my divorce in 2006. I have been in one relationship that was 2.0 years- met her while separated- she was separated at the same time, and in a few short ones after that one ended. It seems to me that once a woman gets divorced and already has children etc,she really doesn't want to remarry or get into a relationship where they see their partner more than a couple days a week. The 2 shorter relationships with divorced women that I have had, have lasted about 4 months each and it ended the same way with them wanting to NOT give anymore of their time because they have friends, bike rides, dog walks, other stuff int heir schedules and couldn't fit me in. I became frustrated with the lack of forward progress and so ended the relationship and dsicussing it with them. They basically didn't want to give up their singleness it appears...
Personally I want someone in my life pretty much full-time someday, not 10 years from now, but basically, well, now. Am I needy??
what do all you women say who are divorced, in you 30's/40's? are you open to remarrying or is single life just too fun and good for you to give that up? It seems i just can't find that one that matches me on desiring to find a long term relationship with possible marriage in the end...seems like committment is a dirty word in the dating world these days. Am I right?
thanks for your comments and tips! | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:39:54 PM | well I have baggage- kids from another woman. So, why should I expect a woman that doesn't have kids to accept that based on your response above?
I just think dating a woman who has kids, like i do, makes sense because she probably doesn't want any more kids. I know I don't want to start over at 39 making new babies.
I don't have a rush to commit. It's been 4 years since I ended my marriage and I want to find someone to settle down with. That is what I want. I want to share my life with a woman, that's all.. It' s my preference. ANd after a few months, I really think a person will know if they want to commit to one person or not. Otherwise, where is it going?? An endless stream of dinners/movies etc with no commitment. That is how our society has "evolved". Every body should be playing the field and looking for the next best chic or guy. It's just tiring for me....
I HATE dating and playing the game. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:47:01 PM | Commitment is not a dirty word...but pushing into a relationship without taking the time to get to know her is not right either.
You say you want something now...but the fact is, now is pushing it. Maybe 2x a week is all they can offer...with children, careers etc. What is wrong with taking your time?
Also, yes...when you have been single for a while..having someone around you all the time can get annoying..especially when your not used to it (depends on the person)...and you may need to have an adjustment period before your in someone's life full time.
Another thing to think about..is it really fair if there are kids involved? I don't believe in introducing people to my kids right away...so 2/ 3 days a week may be all someone like me can offer...again, there is nothing wrong with taking your time!
You know..it's your life...don't you want the best person possible in it??
Edited to add....Your children are not baggage!! If someone refers to them as that..then I wouldn't waste my time with them. However...you referring to your OWN children as baggage...disgusts me!! | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:07:11 PM | I referred to my children as "baggage" only in response to the one guys follow-up post to my original posting. Of course they are not baggage.
I guess commitment is defined differently by different people. I really feel by 3 months, I should be seeing the person a couple times during the week and at least one weekend day, with our without kids involved. I also believe that waiting to introduce the kids to the new person is prudent. I generally wait at least 2-3 months and until after we have become exclusive for a while. To me exclusive means not dating others, not sleeping with others etc...
MY past two relationships ended because she pulled away because I wanted to progress and they did not. Why? They get scared is the only answer so far. I don't want to marry them any time soon. That's not my point. I want to learn more about them and vice-versa and the way to do that is up the amount of time spent with one another. Not to every day per se, but a few times a week.
My goal is to remarry eventually. I think it is the natural way of being for adults. To be in a monogomous relationship.
Maybe I am asking for too much? But for me, I don't think so. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:34:34 PM | speak for yourself.
im so sick of people saying that children are baggage.
they absolutley are NOT baggage..they are part of the package..and its people like you that make dating difficult.
and no your not needy..everybody wants to be loved and love in return. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:52:44 PM | | My take is on divorced women. Most don't want to remarry. not so soon after coming out of a marriage. and from what i understand. they enjoy being single more over being married. and thoughts for most are. why rush into getting married again??? I know a woman who is divorced. and what she said, the whole time she was married. she kept thinking about all the guys she could be with. that was one womans point of view. women are getting harder to understand. I personaly have given up on the hope of ever finding any one. and i believe. that I am meant to be alone in this world. a negative belief. maybe! but, over the course of my life. I have learned to accept it. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:58:48 AM | people like me that make dating difficult? how??
As said in my post and in my profile, children are not baggage and I actually enjoy if a woman has them, like me, because it adds to the fun!! I dated one woman who had 3 kids, all boys, and with my boys, OMG, what a blast- never a dull moment!!
Anyhow, thanks for the confirmation that I just know what I want versus being needy..
:-) | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:03:41 AM | yeah, i think if a woman is comfortable financially and is divorced and already has kids, she might think why get married??
Well, for me, the why is because you can lose your money, your looks, your health and someday you will want one person who will ALWAYS have your back no matter what. That person should be, I said should be, your spouse.
Just my observation/opinion. I dunno, I just really want to find that one that will be as into me as I am into her, who will just want to live life together, enjoying everything, and grow old together.....
Maybe with internet date shopping, where something better is always cropping up in your face, that's just way too much to ask? | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:29:34 AM | Personally as for me, I do not want to get married again. Being single has made me reflect back on my former marriage and I realized that I was being held back from being "Me".
I enjoy my freedom, my independence and the ability to not have to answer to anyone regarding anything I do. Yes I do have children and they come first and foremost above anything else I may do. Even if I were to find somebody to date long term wise, I would expect that my partner would also have the same mindset as I do -- simply because I do not want either of us to feel smothered or suffocated.
Unfortuantely the men who are seeking something serious are not looking for that. They expressed they want to be with their woman 24/7 and to me that just turns me off completely because it signifies to me that they are needy and clingy. Those two traits (neediness and clinginess) are something I am not looking for in someone.
I prefer someone with confidence and someone who's independent and understands that I do not want to be morphed into a "one unit couple". I want maintain my own identity when I am with someone. I need to be able to breathe, I do not want to feel suffocated or smothered in a relationship. I need my own space and not alot of people understand that. I suppose when you have been burned and through alot of bad relationships, you learn from them and in the future you remember those little lessons you learned and do everything you can NOT to repeat them.
There's been more of a surge of empowered, independent woman as of late and I applaud those women for taking charge of their own lives. Each of us has an idea of what we do/don't want in a partner and how much we want to invest into a relationship with someone else and it's perfectly ok.
You just need to find a woman who will be on the same page as you are. If she's not on the same page as you are, then keep fishing until you do find her.
As for me, I am just taking my time, I am not in a hurry at all. I am far too busy enjoying the life I do have now because when the time does come for me, I can look back and appreciate what I have done thus far and have no regrets.
Good luck OPie. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:44:07 AM | | No, I don't think you're too needy, you are just being honest about what you are looking for. It's not just women who are only seeking one or two-day relationships a week: a lot of men seem to want a woman to fit round their schedule rather than to share. I avoid these people because if they find it so easy to compartmentalise another human being, then they are not right for me. However, I can understand not wanting to rush into anything and waiting to find out if you are really suited before taking it further. I'm sure some people really do prefer their independent lives and it's a question of whether they are fixed like that or would be flexible with the right person. I have certainly started to wonder whether I'd really want to give up my space or ability to choose who to see when I want to. Relationships can be painful, especially if you take them seriously. I can see why many seem to have decided just to have fun and not make any promises: that way, you don't become too invested in one person. I suppose I feel that when people are really suited to each other, things will just flow and the problem of commitment will just not arise. I think these just weren't the right women for you. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:55:15 AM |
I really feel by 3 months, I should be seeing the person a couple times during the week and at least one weekend day, with our without kids involved. I also believe that waiting to introduce the kids to the new person is prudent. I generally wait at least 2-3 months and until after we have become exclusive for a while. To me exclusive means not dating others, not sleeping with others etc...
Ok...I see and understand what you are saying...thank you for clearing that up! You have to agree though...from the way you wrote your first post..it sounded to me like you wanted to meet..have them spend 24/7 with you and move in immediately.
The explanation you just gave....I agree with. I would love to get remarried one day...but I believe it doesn't , shouldn't and can't happen overnight!
It's a serious commitment and can't be rushed....especially when children are involved! So, good for you for taking your time introducing the children as well...
All you can do is wait then....I heard this quote once and loved it 'Rejection is the Universe's way of protection'....so, who knows what the long term effects may have been.
Keep trying...don't get discouraged...because sometimes what your waiting for is around the corner!! | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:14:23 AM | OP, I'm not divorced, I'm widowed. However, I have a few single gf's who are divorced. One isn't ready to date (nor does she have the time) and one has been on her own for so long, and has such a busy life, he would have to go around her work schedule. Yet she longs to find 'the one'.
Its my take that the women you've been meeting aren't in the same place - mentally - that you're in. They either haven't been divorced long enough to have moved on or they have been divorced too long, that they are hesitant to give up their freedom. There must be a happy medium, somewhere.
I would love to meet a man to spend the rest of my life with, a relationship that would hopefully end in marriage. I just have found the right one.
I agree with you though, that after 4 months, one should know whether to move it to 'exclusitivity' or not. If they weren't ready, they weren't ready.
Good luck!
HR  | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:27:58 AM | There's no point in telling an Aries not to hurry, it's their nature.
Many women feel they have been suppressed or lost their identity, looking after a man and children. It's hard to see what advantage there might be in marrying.
Think about her needs and how you can fulfil them. If you can accept she is happiest when she has some independence, and give her what she needs without complaining, she's far more likely to want to be with you permanently. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:45:38 AM | | I'm divorced and would consider marriage again with the right person. I know myself a lot better than I did the first time around and with subsequent relationships. It takes time to get to know someone and find someone that you click with. You probably just weren't compatible with these women. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:50:25 AM | yes, I agree as well. They were just not ready.
I suppose I am looking for my best friend.
I read that you are NOT supposed to put that in your profile because people say you shouldn't have your "lover/partner/whatever" as that role but I disagree. I want one person who I can really count on no matter what. I will love that person and nurture her but I expect the same in return. SHe will be my playmate as well as my workmate. She will be my equal. We will work TOGETHER. She will be my soulmate.
Of course we will each have friends besides each other but she will be my primary person in my life that I will give up anything for and vice versa.
I am not very religious but all of this has made me think. Why did God create a man and a woman? To compliment one another. It's a set. One needs the other. The bible even says that when a man marry's a woman he clings onto her and leaves his parents- not verbatim so sorry. SHe should be the most important thing in his life here on earth. The bible even talks about marriage in terms of Jesus and the church. It's a set! Made for each other. #######Reminder, I am not religious at all just have some basic core beliefs in Christianity and the bible.
Why is that concept so hard for people to admit to or at least understand. Oh that's right, it's because pop culture dictates that women don't need men and men don't need women. Just do what feels good at the time... People say: "I don't need a man! Or I don't need a woman to make myself complete." I suppose I have to disagree. There is a reason why people tend to call their spouses their "better half". It's a set.
FYI, I am a middle of the road who tends to go liberal.
Well, here is one man, who will say it: " I need a woman!"
:-) whew, sorry for the rant.... | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:03:47 PM | | As you said, you've been divorced since 06 which is not that long ago when you stop and think about it. You also stated you were into dating women who also had been separated/divorced the same amount of time. A divorce is the death of a relationship and each party needs to go through a grieving process. Especially if the marriage/relationships was for an extended period of time.5 or more years. I personally refuse to date anyone who hasn't been free from her past relationship for at least three years as that's the minimum amount of time it takes to heal. Be patient and the peace of mind will be worth it. Anyting worthwhile takes time. | |
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| divorced women and long term relationships??
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:12:26 PM | Yeah that's me - granted I've never been married but I will only get involved if I don't have to give up my individual life. I want what I have now and I'd rather add a couple days in here and there with someone I like and want to get to know. To me relationships aren't the whole world, they are a part of it. Your alone time, friends and family, work and relationship should be balanced - one should not take over to the point where the others get pushed aside.
I'd find it odd that a person would come along and all of a sudden what I did up until that time was expected to be shelved. If someone wanted to join me at times, fine - but to say "ok a guy's here now so let me drop everything" is nuts - just like a guy who had a life but dropped it all when he met me would freak me out as well.
I don't agree with the need thing either - unless you mean that EVENTUALLY over time two specific people end up needing each other based on being together long term. Then I get it. However needing "a" man or a man needing "a" woman to me is strange. It has to be about a certain person, long after they've become part of your life.
I may even get married, but I'll never make it a goal - it will only happen as a natural next step to something that gradually happened...probably something I didn't plan to begin with. | |
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