| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:49:12 PM | Background:
Last year I had open heart surgery to install a new aortic valve. My father had this done in his 70's and now he's 90 so I thought it would be routine -- it wasn't.
April of this year I was called by a cardiologist saying that I must have a second open heart surgery to install a larger valve. However, just this past Tuesday, an experienced heart valve specialist advised that I may be able to do without this next surgery -- until further testing and evaluation I don't know yet what the next few weeks or months will hold. But I am still "functional" and I look the picture of health.
I have been pursuing as many new fun activities as possible such as attending movies, lectures, and a writing group and I have started writing short stories. In this way if I do have a second open heart surgery, while on life support my subscious will remember that life is worth fighting for.
MY QUESTION: I would like to meet new men even under these circumstances -- is it fair or reasonable to want to meet new men or a new man while I don't know what the future holds -- it sure would be pleasant (at least I think so) to be able have lunch with some new people (under any circumstance, I love meeting new people)?
I still review the profiles of people who interest me and I have written a couple of men but I usually tell them what I'm facing and until this past Tuesday I was under the impression that I absolutely had to have this next surgery. Now I've been told I may not have to have it.
Any suggestions? | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:00:49 PM | Yeah, it's totally fair and reasonable to meet people!
Hell, even if you had a few months to life, you should still get out there and mingle!
When we strip it right down to it, you're wanting to meet someone who will think you're fabulous, right? So if they think you're great, and their life has been enriched by knowing/loving you, where's the problem?
Everyone dies eventually. I'm 29, I don't eat meat, smoke, drink, do drugs, or have any health problems. I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, who knows!
Don't ever let anything stop you from getting out there and letting somone love you. You owe that much to yourself, alright? And you owe it to them, as well.
---
That said, as a bit of advice: I wouldn't offer any information about this health condition until after the first coffee. When you first meet someone it's really a big feeling out process, you're trying to find out if you have similar interests, values, personalities, etc. After the first or second coffee, that's when you make a decision to keep going out... and that's when they need to hear more about your health condition(s).
Why offer that information to a relative stranger who you might not like at all? Why put it out there before YOU'VE made a decision if you want to get to know them better?
They don't need that information until they decide to get serious about you... and that's when you should put it on the table. I'd suggest date 3, right at the start. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:05:17 PM | Elena, it sounds to me like you're doing everything right. The only thing that you could do is add it to your profile, but I agree that some things are just private, so I'd personally leave it off of the profile. As you know, sometimes meeting new people matures along and sometimes it doesn't. If the relationship gets serious enough to share that kind of personal news, then share it with them. When you share the information, tell them the entire story and the scenario. No one can hold anything against you if you do that.
The best of luck to you. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:15:02 PM | Dear a_little_nervous ,
Thank you for your suggestion. I've been telling people upfront and thus not met anyone recently. It seems pretty major to omit.
What shifted my thinking is that the heart valve specialist (seond opinion) surprised me this past Tuesday by saying that he wasn't so sure that I should have this next surgery. If it's not needed that eliminates an awful lot of down time to recuperate from something as serious as that -- I could actually plan and anticipate a reasonably "normal" future. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:30:05 PM | Dear sun_devil_92 ,
Thank you for taking the time to write.
While it might serve my needs to wait to see if the man likes me, withholding such a major piece of "life content" might make a man feel like I had presented myself falsely.
I guess this is the main dilemma -- if I write it up front who will want to meet me -- recently, I do write it up front and that just results in my not meeting anyone new. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:38:07 PM | Ask this question of yourself - would you date a guy with a health issue like that?
I think it's quite reasonable of you to want to meet new men. You know what your weak point is, so to speak, but many people have no idea. They haven't even been to a doctor in years. My grandfather had a serious health issue (due to infection when he was 18). He lived well into his 80s, although he had to mantain a speacial diet all his life. My perfectly healthy classmate passed away suddenly at the age of 20 from a heart attack.
You don't want it to be your opening line, but it's fair to discuss the issue at with someone who is serious about you. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:38:14 PM | Elena, nobody knows really truly what the future holds for them... Yes, you MAY have to have another major surgery, and if you do, then you may live to be 100...
I personally don't think it is a matter of fair or not fair, but what you feel comfortable with, if you decide for others it wouldn't be fair to get to know you, it seems you have decided that your life is going to be shorter than anybody elses at 63, or any age for that matter...
You have found out you MAY not need that surgery, so I personally think that keeping that out of your profile is fine. You aren't hiding anything because as you stated you make sure to tell a person straight up what the score is...
I have known of many people that have had serious illnesses, and come out of it and continued on longer than some that were healthy as horses...
IE: my mother is 71 and at 53 she was diagnosed and treated for a melanoma tumor in her eye... For the past 10 yrs, she has had a brain tumor "encapsulated" (meaning her body had sealed it off) and does more than a lot of 44 yr olds...
If you are doing fine, and are as busy as you are, then I have little doubt that someone who wants a wonderful woman to get to know would be happy for that chance... I know as a former X ray tech your age group all felt the pangs of mortality, and with serious health issues more so... However I also know people who are NOT selfish feel lucky when they find real love, with someone that appreciates every moment of life than those who take life for granted...
Your dad is really an example of things working out, and with your positive attitude, I have no doubt you will have a good run as well... The flip side is this, would you NOT date someone that had a serious health issue, but was wonderful in every other way???
From my perspective, let someone else decide whether they want to take a chance or not... I don't have heart disease, but I have serious health issues, and my SO loves me anyways, and is glad we both have a chance to share our lives... | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:43:00 PM |
While it might serve my needs to wait to see if the man likes me, withholding such a major piece of "life content" might make a man feel like I had presented myself falsely.
Here's the problem with that... The person you're meeting with doesn't need that information at this point. They need it when they're deciding if they want to CONTINUE to hang out with you.
If you're telling everyone right up front, you might as well get a t-shirt made up saying "I have health problems"... At that point, you're sharing this private information with everyone, and that's obviously absurd.
Nobody has a right to be upset with you for wanting to keep a private matter private. A person who asks you for a coffee does not have any right to private information about you at that point. As you open up and develop a relationship with that person, you can share more and more private things about yourself.
Tell them when the time is right. But that time isn't when you first contact them - or even when you first meet them... it's when YOU have decided that you like them enough to want them in your life. Or at least, want them in your life for now...
This does not mean you're presenting yourself falsely.
If someone had personal issues with a past history of domestic violence or sexual assault, I most definately do not need to hear about it at the first coffee - that kind of information is private and I should only hear about it when they feel it is time to share.
If somebody had a particularly interesting sexual quirk, they don't need to tell me at the first coffee - or in an email. They can share this information when they feel comfortable - preferably before we get intimate!
And I think the same holds true for you. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:35:29 AM | Wow this is really a grey area and I admire your character Elena for wanting to be so up front with this. However we all have some personal things that could make most anyone simply look over us without getting to know us and weighing the 'negative'. We dont wear our negatives on our sleeve but if it goes into something more its certianly up to you to put it all out before it becomes more serious and they can weigh that after they get to know you. If you put it out there at that point they can choose from there after getting to know you and thats the best thing you could do. I wouldnt simply say it right off the bat though (our attention to new people is almost non-existant if we are turned off initially), but I would be up front with it after they got to know you a little bit.
Best of luck with your condition. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:39:33 AM | You still enjoy an active lifestyle. Why not meet new people?
Surgery and unexpected medical circumstances tend to crop up with most people at some point. Recovery may take you out of the activities should this surgery need to take place, but even if it does, you should be back on your feet and out there in no time. I don't think this situation calls for the introspection that people dealing with a recent breakup or bad dating experience requires. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:54:40 AM | Yeh, everyone deserves someone special in their life, even a possible limited life, even if its just a mere 2 months, a person with only 2 months to live, deserves to spend some time with someone special.
Its never good to be alone and ultimiately pass on alone. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:11:56 AM | If you spend your entire life waiting to let yourself be happy, you`ll be unhappy and dead.
Go ahead, do whatever you think will make you happy. Just make it perfectly clear to any men who enter your life what`s going on. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:33:35 PM | Dear sun_devil_92,
Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion.
Just now I changed my profile and put a note on the bottom that I've temproarily amended it (with a date) and I noted what's put my life on hold at this time.
I've also made the significant change that at present, I am seeking a male "friend" because that's what I really need, not some "good-time Charlie."
Perhaps no one will respond because to most men "Friend" probably means no intimacy.
But that's not how I see it necessarily -- if I met someone extraordinary who knows where our friendship could take us.
I also changed my weight to "average" because over the last few months, I've just lost over 20 pounds and I believe I do look "average" -- but I want to look spectacular and I am losing more. When I was in my mid-fifties I was a size 2 to size 4 (I felt like I could fly) and I am heading back to that weight (while many weights above that look acceptable).
This is the first time I posted a Forum question (at least that I remember). The responses were so thoughtful that it really helped me think through how I would handle my profile and this whole POF experience.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my question.
Every best wish that you find a beautiful person on POF.
Elena62 | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:12:51 PM | Dear a_little_nervous,
Thank you for writing your well-thought out advice. I tried to write you privately but you have a block on for old fogey's like me.
It was really helpful to read what people had to say.
But I think what's happening for me at present is that while I am lonely, I am drowning in the issue of whether I have to have my chest and heart cut open again (they actually saw your sternum -- yuck!).
I think it would take a mighty unusual person to come forward and offer their friendship in person under the circumstances. But WHO I AM has always been an "upfront" person so I amended my profile to reflect what's going on for me with a date of the amendment. If I hear this week that I don't need this second surgery I will amend it again.
By the way I have lost over 20 pounds since my photo on POF and at some point I will have to change it as at present, my hair is dark blonde and my weight is "average." I'm taking it down to the lowest weight so that it's easiest on my heart and best looking/feeling -- the doctor who hadn't seen me since last October said he was impressed and his Assistance said I looked "fabulous" so that's something positive.
I've also started writing short stories about how I met the significant men in my life (2-page stories that are like lead-ins to whole chapters should I ever want to write my memoirs). Having lived in Manhattan most of my adult life I have had some very interesting experiences. For example, in 1982 an elderly man was crying next to me in church (Protestant). I wrote him a note to invite him to lunch. I'm a caring Soul and I thought I would help him over the loss of his wife -- he turned out to be a multi-millionaire. To thank me for my "hand-holding he sent me on trips to Europe and California and one year because I asked him to come with me we went to London together -- he was 50 years older than me -- we had so much fun. He lived to be 96 and at 86 when I met him was still running a mile and a half a day.
I type very fast -- it's time to stop writing or this will be one of the longest postings in history.
Thank you again for writing me last night.
Elena62 | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:25:28 PM | Hun...................... I ABSOLUTELY agree with the fellow pf. LN.
That said, as a bit of advice: I wouldn't offer any information about this health condition until after the first coffee. When you first meet someone it's really a big feeling out process, you're trying to find out if you have similar interests, values, personalities, etc. After the first or second coffee, that's when you make a decision to keep going out... and that's when they need to hear more about your health condition(s).
Why offer that information to a relative stranger who you might not like at all? Why put it out there before YOU'VE made a decision if you want to get to know them better?
They don't need that information until they decide to get serious about you... and that's when you should put it on the table. I'd suggest date 3, right at the start. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:25:17 PM | | Nobody knows what their future holds. We think that we have years ahead of us, but in truth any of us could be dead tomorrow. Live for today, and don't stop yourself from dreaming or planning because of what might happen in the future. | |
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| Is it okay to want to meet new men when...
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:18:14 AM | OH YES GO FOR IT
Any man worth your time wont care about your back story.
Go out, Have some fun. Laughter and happiness are some of the best medicine there is.
I agree with whats been said before, leave it off your profile. Perhaps mention it on a first date or just before in messages. Don't open communication with it or it will sound like it is all that is on your mind.
To a_little_nervous; remove your block on older women, that block is there to stop pervert old men coming on to 18yr old girls, who you clearly are not. | |
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