| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:27:06 PM | If results are any indication, my profile needs some work. Please let me know if I'm coming off too stuck up or picky. Suggestions from anyone welcome. Suggestions from women VERY welcome, a female point of view would be nice.
Go ahead, be honest. I can take it, really. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:38:11 PM | | Biggest issue I found was the large paragraph form. You should split them down to smaller paragraphs. Much easier on the eyes and a better chance of women actually reading it. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:06:18 AM | I found myself thinking of chocolate or perfume spoof ads while I was reading your profile.
I've been told my profile needs polishing, but I think perhaps you need to loosen yours up a little.
There are lots of words in there, but nothing in the body of the text to make someone say to themselves, "we both like that"
Perhaps if you moved specific things like "Two & a half men" & "Seinfeld" into a paragraph, pruning your list of interests a little & gave a little more detail on some of the overly general items on your list eg which period of history, which genres of movies, is your interest in education professional or on a voluntary basis?
You don't have to list every detail for every item, just get something into your profile a woman could see you have in common to start a conversation about.
I'd break it up into shorter paragraphs too. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:54:22 AM | Thanks for taking the time.
A spoof ad-- yikes, that's disappointing to hear. What part seemed "spoofy"? "Ad" I'm ok with, and the reason it seems like an ad at all is because that was, in part, my objective-- sell myself. Is this the wrong approach for this site?
Could you elaborate at all on what you said about needing to loosen up my profile bit? Am I over-selling? If you can pinpoint specific sentences or phrases that make it seem to need loosening, that would be most helpful to me.
About the interests, I think that's a really great suggestion. As well as adding some of those particulars to the message. Perhaps by staying so general, it's possible I'm casting the net too wide... your thoughts?
Keep 'em coming folks. Comment, critique, aim your truth cannons and fire away. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:06:17 AM | That was perhaps the wrong word (spoof).
My last English class was a long while back so I can't think of the correct term.
I think you've written in the passive persuasive voice?
You also write beautifully & I can't put what I'm trying to say down anywhere near so eloquently but I'll have a go & hope you get the gist.
There just seem to be lists & lists of adjectives just as ad copy contains sometimes to conjure up an atmosphere - so instead of being coffee it's dark, smooth, intensely aromatic coffee which is fine until you add 3 adjectives onto the next 5 things in the same paragraph at which point readers go into overload.
Everything is exquisitely written & succinct, it's just that the words I've put in caps keep jumping out like a shopping list of points & it's almost impersonal with the you are this, that & the other, I am this that & the other.
There is at least one ad for one of those unisex perfume/aftershaves that runs along the he is this, she is that lines listing the desirable attributes of said scent wearer.
You say
"I'm a man. A simple enough statement, but not everyone understands what that means. Now, the term gets thrown around too loosely, but in every sense, that is me. Its hard to put in a few sentences, but imagine someone who is SECURE in himself, CONFIDENT, LOYAL & DOMINANT, without being a CONTROL FREAK.
Now couple that with someone who's got his own things going on, has GOALS, AMBITION & PASSION. While you're wondering about what it would be like to get to know a person like that, imagine then, discovering that underneath the COOL, CALM exterior is IMAGINATION, CREATIVITY & SENSITIVITY... and when you're with him, you never know what will happen next.
If you have goals & ambitions you might want to mention what they are.
You:
Are SMART, FUN LOVING, and don't take yourself TOO seriously. You're SENSITIVE, AFFECTIONATE & HONEST with yourself and me. You crave that CHEMICAL, MAGNETIC, MAGICAL... INDESCRIBABLE something... and have opened yourself up to the possibility of finding it. You might have the occasional emotional freak out, but when you do, you recognize that I can just deal with it, and afterwards you know how to show me that you do appreciate a man like that in your life.
You're ATTRACTIVE & SEXY, but you understand that its your attitude and not just looks that draw people to you. You're up to challenge and you've put your fears and worries from the past behind you and you're ready to reach out and experience a truly DEEP & SATISFYING connection with someone truly unique."
All of those things are true, but they are not about sifting out actual individuals.
They are serious generalizations & won't target anyone.
It's rare to meet someone who doesn't think they are fun loving, sensitive, affectionate & honest.
I've lost count of the number of men I've met without an artistic bone in their body who truly believe that underneath the binary maths & Taylor polynomials there lies the heart of Michealangelo
Attractive & sexy are subjective terms so who can quantify them?
What floats your boat would leave another man stone cold.
They may have no interest or knowledge of open source coding or the OLPC project & they might be something you actually get specifically passionate about.
That's the personality that you need to loosen up & let out.
The stuff that makes you the man you are.
Have a thing for brunettes? Short girls, gym rats, rpg players?
Those are specifics you might be looking for, connections other people can make with you.
I'm not on about pushing everyone away with too many specifics, just a couple of concrete facts that DON'T apply to pretty much everyone on the planet.
"You don't have email me right away, take all the time you need in the next two minutes to feel the excitement and anticipation or even read this over again before you email me. Then you can look back on it and enjoy the satisfaction you feel as you look forward to receiving my reply!"
This last bit seems a tad OTT & is the bit that made me think of spoof ad copy.
You haven't said anything to build excitement or anticipation & you don't come across as vain enough to think one photo & a profile means you believe it yourself.
You come across as an intelligent man who worked very hard to create immaculate but impersonal text.
Having said all that, this is of course just my opinion & I could be totally wrong. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:43:04 AM | Perfect, that's just the kind of detail I was hoping for. I know that must have taken you a while to write and think about, so thanks for that. I'm gonna have to do a some more thought and another re-write or two.
All other comments still welcome. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:40:33 AM | OK I've taken the last bit out and made some other changes. I tried to remove some of the cascading adjectives, although I've left a couple that I have a hard time finding other words for. Re-read and let me know what you think.
Cut loose your inner dogs of truth because I really want to get this handled. Again, specifics are going to help me the most.
Thanks again. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:45:41 AM | (You're working on photos, right?)
I never saw the original version but this looks pretty good! I enjoyed the read. The only thing I'd suggest for you is to add an exclamation mark after the first sentence in the "You" description and after the very last sentence to show humour/enthusiasm.
Good luck! | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:42:25 AM | Photos? Well, I guess I will work on it now... do you have any specific suggestions?
The original version is quoted, word for word, a few posts up in QuiteCute's response (didn't have the all caps).
I think those are good suggestions, because there was supposed to be a little subtle humor in there, esp. the clinical depression bit. Thanks for the input.
Alright folks, I need more input, open the floodgates, let the truth flow. You won't offend me, I can handle it. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:34:30 PM | | Bumping for a re-read/more input. QuiteCute has posted the original text above. Suggestions welcome. Go ahead and be honest. | |
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| Please tell me what I'm doing wrong
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:42:05 PM | I just LOVE the combination of "Fine Dining" and "Two and a half Men" in your Interests field! A true rennaisance man! That's so cool.....
Now about the smoking... quit.
Now about the photos - main photo with the red shirt is a GREAT smile, but blurry! It would also help to have a full body shot, no webcam/cellphone in the bathroom mirror, shirt on, shades off. The second photo is not doing you any justice. More photos is always better than a couple.
I still like the 'feel' of your profile, but it doesn't give too much information on your hobbies and activities until I read the Interests field. It's hard to marry the images from the Interests field to the words in the profile. After you serenade me and plant a big ol' smooch on me, can we go play a game of pool? Loser buys the nachos! | |
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