| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:32:55 AM | | Almost all the women who are over 45 themselves and on this site have quite a lot of life experience. They are married and often have children etc. Does the idea of meeting a man in his late 40s who clearly has virtually no life experience – no marriage, no relationships in the past, no children etc. – seem unacceptable to you? If so, why is that? | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:54:21 AM |
Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Relationships of all type hone our skills. They enable us to be less selfish, more understanding, and flexible. Children in a relationship test our ability to communicate effectively, to put their needs before our own and to set boundaries, and prioritize. These skills are not inherent. They are learned over time, with the various people that come in and out of our lives.
A relationship with a man in his 40’s, given a lack of life/ relationship experience, is possible if he is open and mature in his thinking and approach. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you care for someone isn't everything possible? | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:57:41 AM | Yes, I would think there's something very odd about people in their 40's who have had no serious relationship ever.
No kids, on the other hand, is a plus for me, since I chose not to have any, myself. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:10:17 AM | | OP, if I were to come in contact with a woman in her late 40s, who has never had a serious relationship, it would be a huge red flag. I'd have to suspect an emotional disorder that makes her incapable of emotional intimacy. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:41:21 AM | Astrophil,
I remember some of your earlier threads, and I had looked at your profile a while ago when you were asking for similar feedback. I have some mixed feelings about your question...so forgive me in advance if I sound more critical than I mean to be.
I was in your proverbial shoes a few years ago -- never married, no kids, no real long-lasting serious relationships. So, yes, I can certainly understand why such a situation might be a red flag to either gender. Some of your experiences are beyond your control; in my case, I was not exactly putting myself in social situations where I might be likely to meet more people. I was also allowing my work to be a substitute for pretty much everything, and investing much more emotion in work than was necessary or healthy for me.
Here's what I did -- take my advice FWIW (!) Contributing to the POF forums over the past 1 1/2 years really helped me understand much, much more about the opposite sex -- seriously! I read, responded, and took into consideration all the great (and even not so great) discussions about dating, relationships, etc. In the process, I forced myself to reconsider what I truly wanted out of life in general -- not just a relationship, but my long-term overall goals personally.
I wound up gaining some insights about my behavior that were difficult to admit at first -- but it worked. After some attitude readjustments, I met someone in early January who (and I hate to say this, but it's true) I would have dismissed had I not been re-examining my life. As it turned out, he is also a never-been-married guy with no kids! But as good luck would have it, he had been doing the same thinking about his life. We "clicked" in every way -- physically, emotionally, and with the same basic philosophies. So you see, if it happened for me, it will definitely happen for you.
So for you? Don't get too hung up on your current situation -- but do take some time to think about the way you might be coming across to women. I'd also encourage you to consider women who at first glance, might not exactly be the "type" you think of. Now, I don't mean at all that you should try to like someone despite NO attraction whatsoever! In my case, though, I used to believe that a couple had to like exactly the same things -- or else there was no future. I have learned since that the same basic outlooks upon life are much more important than sharing every single interest. (So, that means my sweetie is thrilled about a marathon this weekend of "The Deadliest Catch" -- and I shall spend part of that time reading and occasionally saying, "Oh, yes, hon. Watching those crabs be caught over and over and over is really exciting!")  
Good luck to you! | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:43:37 AM | I would wonder (and ask) "why", but no, it would not be a problem. Since I never married either, and the longest relationships have been 3 yrs and 7 yrs, (but I do have one child) ... who am I to judge?
Actually, it may even be very refreshing to date someone who has not been tainted by former relationships and traumas... | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:57:13 AM | | I’m not saying it’s unacceptable but I’d have reservations. I might suspect you’ve been living in a monastery. To be honest if I wanted a man with virtually no experience I’d date a very much younger man. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:30:35 AM | | No life experience? It would depend on what he'd been doing for well over 40 years not to have acquired any. I would be looking at this more than him not having had a serious relationship, marriage or children... | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:34:13 AM | | I'd be very concerned. It says alot to me about the fact that there is an underlying issue. I would wonder why the person had been avoiding a relationship. Because at this stage, you should have at least had dates, even short term relationships. But not having had that says something is amiss. And not being able to commit is a huge red flag. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:58:52 AM | Astrophil asks:Almost all the women who are over 45 themselves and on this site have quite a lot of life experience. They are married and often have children etc. Does the idea of meeting a man in his late 40s who clearly has virtually no life experience – no marriage, no relationships in the past, no children etc. – seem unacceptable to you? If so, why is that?
I would prefer someone that had experience and it would concern me for a variety of reasons.. I would wonder why his life was such a void? There has to be a reason why no relationships?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:42:20 PM | CONGRATULATIONS ZEEBA!
Yes, I think I would be nervous about such a man....I am always nervous about extremes......a man who had no life experience would, and a man who had gone through women like he ws changing his underwear.....both raise red flaga! | |
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tass08
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Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 13 | |
| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:49:22 PM | | OP why do you have no history of relationships with women? Do you have long-term friendships with women? With men? Do you socialize with groups of people, or individuals? Do you know and chat with your neighbors? Do you socialize at lunch or after work with colleagues? | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:53:21 PM |
meeting a man in his late 40s who clearly has virtually no life experience – no marriage, no relationships in the past, no children etc. – seem unacceptable to you? If so, why is that?
You have been hidden away in your classroom way too long. No they do not want to train you, they have already been through that. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:55:14 PM | I wouldn't consider it a red flag. Things happen, sometimes life interferes and the opportunity never presents itself.
I would prefer to be with someone who has been married, is divorced or widowed and has grown kids. This is only because then we would have a similar history and past experiences.
That doesn't mean that I'd pass up someone who has not been married and had kids. My cousin married a man when they were both in their 50s. She was divorced with two grown children, he had never been married and no kids. They were married for about 20 years until his death. He took to being a friend to being a grandfather with no problem and was a friend to my cousin's children.
"It just goes to show" that there's no hard and fast rules one way or another. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:02:41 PM | Well, your profile is very enticing! However, I wouldn't be too excited about a man in his late 40's with no relationship experience. With no experience or background, what can he have learned about intimate human interaction or lovemaking?
At my age, I don't relish taking on the role of pr0fessora. Perhaps you can find other late bloomers, such as yourself, and learn to spread your wings together. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:48:27 PM | Dear tasso8.
My answers to your questions are as follows:
1) why do you have no history of relationships with women? ---- That is probably quite a complex puzzle but the answer is to do with shyness (especially chronic when young), ill health when young, hard work and social isolation during my 20s and 30s due to working in academic research environment. Since then it has been because of work (again) and simply the lack of people to get to know; in addition to this there have been failed attempts at dating agencies, a social networking organization, internet dating etc.
2)Do you have long-term friendships with women? --- I do. Mostly with the girlfriends, partners and wives of male friends or people I have met through work.
3) With men? ---- I do. I have several friends who are male and I generally get on with people that I meet more casually.
4) Do you socialize with groups of people, or individuals? --- I socialize with both.
5) Do you know and chat with your neighbors? ---- It is a sad truth that like so many people in the UK I barely know my neighbours beyond saying "hello" to them and the occasional chat about things like the weather, the state of the roof or the arrangements for the refuse collection. One of my female neighbours recently married and her parents now use her house as an occasional weekend retreat now that she has moved; another is a male civil servant in his early 20s; another is an Italian family who have moved in very recently with two children under 5; another is a young couple I don't know much about and another is a Polish family who have five young children.
6) Do you socialize at lunch or after work with colleagues? ---- I do. In fact I tend to make friends through work. I often go for a dink after work on Fridays - although this happens less often recently as a result of one or two of my friends moving further from work and becoming involved in relationships themselves.
I am not sure what to do with these thoughts but there they are. Thank you for your interest. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:04:49 PM | The first question I am asked is, "Why haven't you ever married?"
My answer, "Because I have never found the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."
I usually then ask why they got divorced twice.
(Actually I don't, I have more tact than that.) | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:12:13 PM | Does the idea of meeting a man in his late 40s who clearly has virtually no life experience – no marriage, no relationships in the past, no children etc.
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A 40 yr old man who has had no relationships in the past? Yes, that would have me worried. Some people have been in a relationship longer than some people are married. But if you have NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP? UH OH!!!
I really don't think it has to be explained. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:38:21 PM | Just tell the womens you've been in prison 20 years for a crime of passion!
Then you'll get that whole bad-boy thing working for you. 
just a 'kidding around' thought | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:53:01 PM | i don't think you should describe yourself as having no life experience.
this conjures up various conundrums, such as.....how have you survived thus far?
as for not having any relationships with women.....
i know a lot of men in their late 40s who over the years have had many relationships with women and guess what, surprise, surprise.....they are still alone and without fulfilling ltrs.
the fact that you have friends, socially and at work, means that you are not a social leper and have every chance of meeting a woman who will be "the one".
you just haven't met her yet. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:36:02 PM |
Is inexperience likely to put you off a man? I know a man like that. He's in his 60's and though divorced, has absolutely no social/relationships skills whatsoever. His inability to relate to people is painfully obvious, and he appears (or possibly is) very rude and arrogant. This is probably due to virtually no life experience really relating to anyone beyond his dysfunctional wife/marriage. To be honest, he reminds me of a sulky teenage boy.
I would be hesitant to trust a man who lacked life experience because I'd be concerned he'd be unable to handle or deal with or understand the typical ups and downs of a relationship. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:07:11 AM | | Yah you go in thinking about the ins and outs and next thing you know its the ups and downs. Whenever I say I have never been married and don't have children it is amazing how you can read the womans face or the silence on the phone. To a majority of women it is like putting up a giant blinking sign, Warning, Warning. If there is one thing a woman doesn't want it is a man other women don't want. I go out on a date I get women flirting with me everywhere, being a pain in the ass really, because the woman I am with is registering it all with total clarity. I go out alone and it is not that way. Then I am shunned. The whole dating scene is a joke and has nothing to do with how good a man I am or anything. It does get rid of any extra money I may have kicking around and it does help me to keep a thicker skin emotionally. Other than that it doesn't do much for me. Good times, letting women I don't know be critical of me. It is not for the weak or faint of heart. | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:56:36 AM | If you're divorced with kids and work weird hours, you get the same reaction. So darned if you do and darned if you don't. Women can be picky creatures!! | |
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| Is inexperience likely to put you off a man?
Posted: 7/7/2009 12:55:25 PM | How can you compare divorced with kids to someone who has
never been married, has no kids and has never been in a relationship?
huh?
Well perhaps some women can be "picky creatures"...but men...you
sometimes have to wonder at their thought process...or lack of it.
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