| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:09:12 AM | I dated a guy on here who believed that a connection/chemistry is developed over time. He stayed with me 9 months telling me he believed he would develop this. Being a girl, of course I believed him. I believe that you either have chemistry or you don't. After asking a few of my friends I felt mixed about this.
We are now broke up but I don't understand why he stayed with me so long saying he would develop this chemistry and it never happened.
Do you think that you just have chemistry when you meet a person or you can develop it? Was I just naive to believe it can be developed? | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:15:44 AM | IMO chemistry can be instant... you just know if you connect with the other person. Some times it's overwhelming and other times more subtle and will develop as time goes on.
There had to be a connection of some sort for it to last 9 months but that an awful long time for some one to say "it will develop". If you're comfortable with some one give it time but keep communication open. If he is constantly saying it will happen eventually, after a few months you may want to re-evaluate where your relationship is. If you're not on the same page it may be destined to come to an end. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:17:57 AM | I believe it may develop.
I, myself, do not believe in instant chemistry. I think those that do are missing out on some possibly great opportunities as they pass up those that they "just don't feel the chemistry is there". And so they move on without getting to know the person.
You cannot create a chemistry or permanent bond if it does not exist. however it can take time and getting to know one another to find if it is there also.
Just my opinion.
Most of the people I know who have bonded becasue they felt that "chemistry right away" are now no longer a couple.
A long time ago I met someone, didn't feel we we had chemistry, I wasn't even very interested in her. She pursued me, we did bond and were together for about 20 years.
No longer together but so much for instant chemistry. Something must have been pretty good for it to keep us together that long.
*** Now this is only my opinion: *** anyone who believes chemistry is instant, immediate, or feels they can see it / judge it right away is too shallow for me. They are not nearly deep enough thinkers for my tastes.
*** this was only my opinion. Not to be construed as a slight at any posters. *** | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:24:14 AM | | If you don't feel someone for someone, you can't make it happen. Being with them more won't make it happen either. You can become more attracted to someone you get to know, but I don't think you can make feelings if they aren't meant to be. I can not tell you why I fell for my bf. I just know that when I went out with him, I was gone. I have gone out with others where I had fun because I always tried to enjoy my dates, but didn't feel a need to see them again. If you don't have that need to see them again, don't try to push it. I think you are wasting your time and might miss a good opportunity to meet someone you will dig. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:33:54 AM |
*** Now this is only my opinion: *** anyone who believes chemistry is instant, immediate, or feels they can see it / judge it right away is too shallow for me. They are not nearly deep enough thinkers for my tastes.
*** this was only my opinion. Not to be construed as a slight at any posters. ***
Not slighted in the least, Sir...but shallow...hmmmm.
I'm not saying that instant chemistry should equate to...OMG I'm gonna marry this one...lol. I just see it as a bonding of some sort....could be on an intellectual level, intimate or something deeper. I don't look for instant chemistry and have met people where I wasn't sure if there was chemistry at all. All I know is that sometimes you meet someone and the comfort level is more immediate than with others.
I guess I equate comfort to chemistry. Either is fine...immediate or building over time. I do know that with me if the chemistry is slower to build it leaves room to see the others flaws. Then it depends on whether they are flaws that can be over looked or accepted. In that case I can see where shallowness may come into play, but we all have our deal breakers. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:47:26 AM | | I've always thought there had to be a bit of chemistry to continue dating,but more will develop over time. I guess it depends how long you want to date someone just hoping it will develop. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:58:52 AM | I feel there can be instant attraction, but I feel it takes time to really know if there is true chemistry. I not the best looking guy in the world, but I can grow on someone if given time to get to know me. Are we guilty of being superfical just looking at pictures to make a detremination if we have instant chemisrty? I can tell alot by reading the profile and chatting with some e-mails. For me instant chemistry, no maybe instant attraction. But I could be wrong, most likey not! LOL!
Randy | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:26:46 AM | Eh, some people you have chemistry right off the bat. While other times you wear a bit more of a mask for a time period.
I come off as a total nerd early on and turn into a goofball when I'm comfortable. Then it's flash and dash between the two based on the circumstances.
9 Months though is a bit extreme..... I was thinking a month tops for a changeover. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:31:20 AM | Personally I've experienced instant chemistry and also felt chemistry develop as well.
It depends on the person and situation.
I think both are valid.
It does seem a bit strange that someone would stay for 9 months n a relationship without chemistry though.
I think it would be more likely that you would get together with someone into a relationship after knowing them 9 months and the chemistry growing between you..if you see what I mean.. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:33:17 AM | No i believe when you first meet someone you no right away if the a connection.Being only a physical one at the pont..Everything else comes later.. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:34:53 AM | Kimber
I might agree with you on this one, where as you state: "meet someone and the comfort level is more immediate than with others.
I guess I equate comfort to chemistry"
I believe many confuse the two.
Personally I am comfortable with most people I meet. I happen to be an extrovert, capable of conversing and participating in many different areas and levels.
When I do feel uncomfortable with someone right away, which is extremely rare, I dig to try to understand why. Someday I might find out that uncomfortable feeling was because they were the ONE for me.
But I guess I'm a bit different than most.
I think many use the "chemistry" line as an excuse for prejudging the "attraction rating". If they find that person attractive for any reason. it might be mind, body, vehicle, personality etc. Then they feel chemistry.
As I don't judge quickly enough I can't feel the chemistry.
Maybe it is a slow reaction with me. Maybe the reaction won't occur spontaneously anybody got a catalyst? | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:08:40 PM | | Chemistry that happens instantly is LUST, it is not love, and it will not last. You can not fall in love with someone instantly, it takes time to get to know and understand them. When we first meet everyone is on their best behavior and is hiding their inperfections, love doesn't start to happen until we develop a real and solid relationship with a person. In my own experience I have developed a strong attraction to a woman that when we fist met I did not like at all. So yes Chemistry can happen over time, but not always. Here is a simple test for you; if people like you more as they get to know you, then chemistry can develop over time, but if the more a person gets to know you the less they like you, then go for the instant chemistry because for you nothing is going to last long term. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:02:51 PM |
Chemistry that happens instantly is LUST, it is not love, and it will not last. You can not fall in love with someone instantly, it takes time to get to know and understand them.
I'm not disputing your theory on instant chemistry and realize it's your opinion but who is to say it won't last. I do agree that instant chemistry should not be confused with love nor do I automatically think it applies to lust.
When you break down on-line dating (or any type of dating) it seems like you follow some basic steps...
you see a pic that you are attracted to, you read the profile and the attraction deepens, you favorite or send an e-mail and woo hoo! a response. So ok...now what, a few e-mails, then IM, text and phone. By the time you meet your hoping that there is a "bigger"connection, an attraction, a comfort level; all can be equated to chemistry. That first meeting can spark something or not. If not enjoy the coffee, drink, company and move on. If there is a chemistry wouldn't lust on some level be a consideration. Lust should not always be considered bad thing, after all we are adults here. See the definition of lust below....
1.) a) pleasure, delight b) personal inclination : wish
2.) intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3.) a: an intense longing
Now you just have consider whether lust will turn to love. Which I do agree takes time to get to know and understand each other.
To put this back to OT nine months is way too long to have to figure this out. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:11:51 PM |
We are now broke up but I don't understand why he stayed with me so long saying he would develop this chemistry and it never happened.
He was wrong. People are finite and fallible.
Do you think that you just have chemistry when you meet a person or you can develop it?
Either/or both.
Was I just naive to believe it can be developed?
No. But why didn't you form your own beliefs and live up to them? | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:20:50 PM |
Nothing in nature develops instantly.
Yes, actually, quite a few things do.
When it comes to chemistry, it really depends not only on the other person but on how open you are to it.
It can happen in flash and dazzle you and it can happen gradually, over time when you least expect it.
I don't think the idea of spending time with someone who you don't feel a connection to will allow you to develop chemistry. This is more about someone find you to be ideal on paper. Meaning that you fit all the requirements of what they are looking for so they think they should pursue a relationship. I've done this before and it's a terrible, terrible idea. He was, literally, on paper the perfect man for me. Everything about him was what I should want in a man. However, when I was with him I couldn't force myself to feel something that just wasn't there. He touched me (like a light pat on the arm, a hug hello) and I felt nothing but revulsion. We went on several dates because I thought that eventually the spark would catch. It never did. He was feeling it, I wasn't. I wanted to, badly. In the end, I hurt him far worse than if I would have went with my initial lack of spark and declined future interaction. Fortunately, we are still friends and I believe we both learned a bit about ourselves and what we want/need through the experience.
I do think that if you have a connection with another person it is entirely possible to develop chemistry over time that may have not existed at first or wasn't recognized at first.
I also think that we can meet people that we have instant chemistry with. Intellectually, physically, spiritually, emotionally. It all just clicks right into place.
It's not an either or, it's more just different with each individual we encounter. It's up to us to be honest with not only the others around us but ourselves as well to realize what potential that chemistry holds, if any. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:35:03 PM |
I'm not saying that instant chemistry should equate to...OMG I'm gonna marry this one...lol. I just see it as a bonding of some sort.
Exactly. Everyone must have experienced a near-instant connection to someone. A rapport, so to speak. These things don't always lead to a marriage or even a relationship, but they do happen.
It's a possibility in my mind, given some of my experiences that the slower building chemistry tends to make relationships last longer, but those moments of instant chemistry were sure exciting. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:38:26 PM | I think there's got to be an element of instant chemistry.
If there's none then you could spent an eternity waiting for it to develop. At least if you have something to go one you know whether it's worth pursuing and develop. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:47:29 PM | I think for me it depends on the guy, maybe his personality.
Some I see I say Holy Geez got to have this guy! Some others, I feel like down the road may have more potential where I just want to know more of what he's like.
I am not sure why I feel differently about different people Pheremones, really?
But then I don't know why looking at his pic is the attention getter. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:03:24 PM | | I believe in chemistry being developed. I have had friends and or acquaintances in the past with whom I did not originally have an attraction or chemistry with that I developed for after I got to know them. Their personality and their character shined through. I got to know who they were as a person and was pleasantly when the chemistry occurred. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:10:58 PM | I am not a believer of instant chemistry. When people say instant chemistry I think it means I meet you and within a few minutes I feel chemistry and want to date you. Sorry but I think that is the dumbest way of thinking there is.
I think it takes a few dates to even know if there is some interest outside of physical. Hard to put a time frame on it but when I was young I laughed because nothing lasted over 5 weeks and when I meant my wife there was no chemistry in the begining and then bam a little after 4 weeks of being with her I realized that chemistry had developed.
It sucks @ss that I am going through a divorce 12 years later but it did teach me a lesson. If there is no red flags you need to give somebody a chance if you have fun together and see if those feelings start to develop. I think being older and less time to spend with your mate means that may take longer but even then I would think within two or three months you should either have feelings or not. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:04:43 PM | The profiles that make me laugh are the ones that indicate if they don't feel a chemistry from your photo they won't respond. Hmmm, makes me wonder if these guys think that the 'chemistry' they are experiencing from looking at playboy means that the girl is perfect for them!!
Personally, I've decided to carry a little chemistry set and a couple of batteries to see if there is a spark. What do you think? | |
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| Mr and Mr. Cage....
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:09:45 PM | | Well, the only instant chemistry I believe in, is the instant chemistry right after a stiff drink!!....otherwise I'm not buying it.......I liked developed friendship where chemistry....comes and goes....it doesn't have to be right then and right there or all the time. | |
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| Instant Chemistry or Develop Chemistry
Posted: 7/10/2009 6:14:14 PM | Chemistry can be instant, I completely agree.
But I’ve also had people in my life that knowing them caused me to develop chemistry.
So I can't be the final judge.
I will say that chemistry alone doesn't guarantee a relationship. Don't mistake chemistry for the same goals/wants/aspirations in life. | |
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