| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:01:49 PM | some years ago there was a woman (writer from New York City) who wrote a book about her marriage to an expert fisherman from rural British Columbia; they were by all accounts really happy.
being realistic, though-- i have attributes/attitudes/interests that a lot of people might not connect with, from very leftwing political beliefs, to a pretty solid disinterest in appearances, and a life that's soaked in art practice of various kinds, among other things. in folks over 45, myself included, attitudes and attributes can be pretty ingrained. though i have great interest in people who think differently, etc., i sometimes feel that the likely small number of people with whom connection is possible is daunting.
just wondering if other folks have things they feel might really narrow their potential dating pool, if they've found ways to widen it, or if people have crossed greater differences and found it works? | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:22:49 PM | "wondering if other folks have things they feel might really narrow their potential dating pool"
Absolutely I realize that my dating pool is so small it is but a puddle. Will I give up who I am, and what I want to do with the rest of my life. No.
If the universe decides to put the right person in the path of my puddle, all is good. If not, it is still all good. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:31:25 PM | just wondering if other folks have things they feel might really narrow their potential dating pool
For sure many men would not care for a woman that shows cats for starters. The list grows from there.. I am not really looking for ways to widen it because it would mean losing myself in the process..and I would be very unhappy in time.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:38:35 PM | I have to admit, that after my "golden" experience with pets, I am now somewhat reluctant to get involved with someone who elevates their pets over her partner.
I wonder, what is the percentage of single women without pets? | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:47:09 PM | The choice is yours whether life has taught you to widen or narrow your dating orifice. In either case, like with eyeglasses, corrective action can help. In the event you have decided that you are so unique as to lack mass appeal and others are so unappealing that none can be wanted, the correction is to think less of yourself and more of others. In the event that you have decided you have nothing to offer and everyone wants more, the correction is to think more of yourself and less of others. The proper view comes into focus when your outlook and presentation match the reality of your wants and assets. In any case, an idea about how things are generally is useless in pursuit of a specific goal because it cannot matter in any one instance of finding yourself enchanted by someone whose response to you is likewise.
I'm all for being philosophical as long as some cleavage gets revealed in the bargain. Let's not depart entirely from the simplicity of what does work well, as tempting as it may be to explore the mysteries of what does not. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:08:00 PM | | I once fell in love with a man from a poor Asian country whose culture was very different from ours. It created some problems, but it solved far more. I felt very comfortable with the culture and more at home than I had previously felt with anyone from this country. So if you can't find what you're looking for at home - try another country! | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:12:26 PM | At 25 men fell all over themselves to be with me because I was young and hot and and malleable. I wasn't concerned about anything much then, other then having fun. Things have changed besides my feelings!
I have a much more shallow pool to fish in then most *check the name* but it would have been considerally smaller now, regardless. I think that life and circumstances, past relationships, our own attributes and faults, our pickiness and our age change the way we look a prospective partner now, certainly.
Fortunately, there are some men who have concluded that they are also less perfect and realize that stability, humour, respect, a good heart and good looks can be very attractive as a total package. (would it surprise you that on STD sites men over 45 still ask for 15+ years junior, petite, hot and shapely and of course no baggage?)
That ultimate connection that seals the deal is probably no less/more attainable then it was in the past. Perhaps it is just that having a connection is more important now? Wouldn't we all climb mountains to have it? *puts on climbing gear* | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:18:19 PM | My "pool", although never large, has shrunk to a puddle, to now an eyedropper full.....
Oh, well.......... | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:28:08 PM | OP, I try to keep my "must haves" to the very few things that really would be incompatible. For example, there is a certain physical "type" of woman that I find desirable, and there are physical types that I could never find desirable. It's just the way it is, and there's no point trying to ignore that. There are attitudes about dating, and personality types, with whom I'd clash.
However, since you mentioned politics, who cares? I am a libertarian/conservative, and most of the women I've dated over the course of my life have been liberal/progressive. That isn't an issue, so long as she, like me, can respect the mind, thought processes, and intentions of someone who arrives at a different conclusion as to how to achieve the goals. I would not, however, get along well with someone who sees everything in black or white terms, and anyone disagreeing with her as "wrong" or "evil".
Common hobbies and interests aren't that important really. If two people become close, they will find things that interest them both, because they want to spend a lot of time together. On the other hand, shared activities and interests, aren't especially critical for me, in terms of forming an intimate relationship.
I've had to widen geography and expand the age range a bit, in order to have enough "possibles" to find someone, but I've always found that, with a little flexibility, there are more than enough "fish in the sea".  | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:32:54 PM | "since you mentioned politics, who cares"
That depends on your politics and on where your politics take you.
The fact that I intend to spend 6 months less a day in Cuba in the winters, puts most people off.
If the politics of it don't bother them, the third world part of the culture turns to rest off.
There is flexible, but most people have draw a bit line when it comes to giving up their creature comforts. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:51:00 PM |
The fact that I intend to spend 6 months less a day in Cuba in the winters, puts most people off.
If the politics of it don't bother them, the third world part of the culture turns to rest off.
Well, yes, if a woman intends to pick up stakes, put life on hold, and voluntarily spend 6 months in a third world, Communist country, then I suppose politics could be a deal breaker. Saying the wrong thing down there, could lead to imprisonment or execution.
Appropos of nothing at all, among my "must haves" is that she not be a lunatic.  | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:09:56 PM | | I didn't even know I had a dating pool I reckon what would probably scare 99% of the men off, is the fact that I want to retire in Belize, or some place in the Caribbean. As far as political beliefs, I'm in the middle of the road. I couldn't see me setting up camp with someone that is neurotic about religion or politics, or their mind is narrow. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:33:30 PM | topfind said: I have to admit, that after my "golden" experience with pets, I am now somewhat reluctant to get involved with someone who elevates their pets over her partner.
Are you not the gentleman dating all these various ladies that have pets? By the way I have been showing dogs and cats for well over a decade..It is in my blood and in my soul to make a contribution to improve the breed..
Do I elevate them over my children? I do not sell my children to help improve others breeding programs, nor would I sell the love of my life..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:54:35 PM | The divorce rate in America
First Marriages 50%
Second Marriages 67%
Third Marriages 74%
What trickles away from your dating pool, always comes flooding back.
It's really about how wide your willing to leave your floodgates open
I would think marriage pools are somewhat drying up though. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:00:03 PM | I got to thinking about this pool.. Do we really need a dating pool to start with? I mean most of us are just looking for that one special one?
So how big a pool do we really need or even want for that matter. I am looking for that one little special fishie to come visit my pond..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:01:14 PM |
just wondering if other folks have things they feel might really narrow their potential dating pool
Heck yes!  I found that my list of turn offs, which include addictions to alcohol/porn/smoking, men with criminal records, men who are emotionally unavailable and men with ulterior motives have severely limited my prospects of finding a mate online.
Brandie | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:49:07 PM | THERE IS A POOL???? WHERE????? I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE...WHERE?????
I look at it this way..Too many decisions..I like it simple..NOT!!!
I have always been different than the majority. That is nothing new..So welcome to the real world. It's just a challenge,,you can do it>>>>
Brandie60..I agree 100% and last but not least..the verbal and physical abusers..
ya no,,,the big headed men with the little..............
Lbiker | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:01:37 PM | ^^Lbiker, oh yes.... the abusers are at the top of my list of turnoffs too.
Brandie | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:36:26 PM |
The choice is yours whether life has taught you to widen or narrow your dating orifice. In either case, like with eyeglasses, corrective action can help. In the event you have decided that you are so unique as to lack mass appeal and others are so unappealing that none can be wanted, the correction is to think less of yourself and more of others.
Superb post, unfortunately it's beneath some folks to even consider the possibility of your wisdom, and of course many would rather die than change. Some people are just too GOOD to change, so they think. While an average joe will probably have several more life fulfilling relationships.
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:59:09 PM | hmmmm well when I first decided to date at this age yes it was daunting and yes it is still daunting but I think their alot of people in the 45-65 range that are single or so it seems. Some of these have been married tooooo long to people that they bit the bullet with and were unhappy with for years, so now what they are truly looking for is freedom and a little desert on their terms. This is not my story so I am at a disadvantage here as I am just looking to start a new chapter that will lead to the end of the book.
I don't know it feels like I go back and forth on some kind of factor everyday but I think I have the needs of an older person in that I really am looking for that companion that wants to share life with someone else and not so much anymore the guy that bowls me over and I totally lose my mind and become a prisoner in love.
Now my story would read something more like "IN loving respect" I choose to travel the path with someone who makes me smile, has my back, and someone who likes my company.
So is this a narrowed pool I hope not. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:10:52 PM |
some years ago there was a woman (writer from New York City) who wrote a book about her marriage to an expert fisherman from rural British Columbia; they were by all accounts really happy.
being realistic, though-- i have attributes/attitudes/interests that a lot of people might not connect with, from very leftwing political beliefs, to a pretty solid disinterest in appearances, and a life that's soaked in art practice of various kinds, among other things. in folks over 45, myself included, attitudes and attributes can be pretty ingrained. though i have great interest in people who think differently, etc., i sometimes feel that the likely small number of people with whom connection is possible is daunting.
just wondering if other folks have things they feel might really narrow their potential dating pool, if they've found ways to widen it, or if people have crossed greater differences and found it works?
There was a Seinfeld episode on this subject. Jerry discussed with someone about the number of undateable vs. dateable women... I believe the number of undateable was in the 90 % neighborhood. I don't think that's too far off..
For me, if she's a liberal and over 30 she's undateable. Someone once said if you're a republican when you're young, you have no heart and if you're a democrat when you're old, you have no soul.... I find this to be true..
But aside from the political, there are things like 'man hands' and 'loud talker', too many tatoos, too manly, koochie's too big and many more OBVIOUS things that will also take water out of a man's 'pool'....
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:11:58 PM |
So if you can't find what you're looking for at home - try another country!
Touche' ....That's my plan... | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:40:45 PM | Dating, especially "online" is a "market driven" quest. It depends on how motivated one is to find someone, how rigid his/her "requirements" will be. If one strongly wants to find someone, he/she will be flexible enough to find someone, and when he/she finds that his/her "requirements" yield no "takers", then he/she will change the requirements, until there are "takers" based on what he/she has to offer.
Then there are those, who proclaim that they "won't settle", and have a laundry list of "demands" that yield no results, but refuse to adjust to the market. Perhaps, some of those people only fantasize about really dating, because they won't take the steps required to have a large enough "available universe", or dating pool, to make it possible to find someone.
I have very few "must haves", that if not met, would mean that I prefer not to date at all. As I result, I have always been able to find someone. If it comes to pass that I can't find anyone, who meets my "must haves", then I'd choose not to date. For each person, what those "must haves" will vary, and if there are a lot of them, some people are willing to not date at all, a lot more readily than I will. | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:55:07 PM | Many people here on POF have created a very narrow dating pool for themselves.
Problem is they come to the forums to whine about it. (Not suggesting you are whining, please believe that).
The only way to widen it is to step outside your comfort zone. The comfort zone, and narrowed dating pool is why so many people end up crying: "Why do I keep attracting the same sort of...." | |
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| narrowed dating pools?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:57:56 PM | | Meh, my pool is smaller than a puddle! With a city upbringing and university education, I chose to live in a very rural area. The three single men in my area are not suitable!!!! I also note that the older I get, the "less-than-a-puddle" is re-infested with crazy and undateable. | |
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