| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:12:11 PM | I met my now husband when I was 16 (going on 17). He was 24. On our first date, I had said I wanted to be able to date other people simultaneously, to which he said no. He wanted us to be exclusive. He revealed that he was looking for a wife and a family and wanted to settle down. Even though I was not looking for those things, I kept dating him.
There were times when he broke up with me, and there were times when I think it would have been appropriate for me to break up with him. I regret that each time he broke up with me (I think twice), we didn’t stay broken up for longer, if not for good. But each time, he wanted me back right away and I went with it.
When we first met, he wanted to take me to his friends’ houses and hang out there all the time. I remember us being truly alone a minority of the time. In particular, there was one friend (Friend A) he hung out with who lived across the street from another friend (Friend B). Since Friend A’s wife didn’t like me, I hung out at Friend B’s house. Well, after about a year of hanging out so much, I slept with Friend B (one-night stand). I now feel I should’ve broken up with my husband very early on just due to the fact that he always wanted to go hang out at his friends’ houses (with me). That’s not cool when you’re first starting a relationship.
When I was 20, and engaged to my husband, we became friends with a friend of a friend (Friend C). Friend C and I have always been hot for each other but have never done anything-probably because we’ve never been alone. I was complaining about Friend C (he was in a bad relationship) in a chat room to a random stranger a few years later, and ended up falling for the stranger. We never actually met, though. My husband found out about the stranger and I ended up confessing about sleeping with Friend B. Amazingly, he still wanted to be married to me (big mistake). During all the confessing, I told him I felt like I had missed out on the dating scene. He said the same, but obviously got over it, unlike me.
I really felt like I loved him when we got married. I was 21. I also told myself that I’d never, ever sleep with any man again, and I was more than ok with that; until now. I’ve been attracted to Friend D and Friend E for awhile now. I’m sure they know, as I’m pretty good at insinuating my interest. I’m sure they would date/sleep with me were I not married to their friend. However, I realized that just won’t happen. So I went looking for men I could sleep with. Yes, it’d be easy to just stop and be faithful, but I feel very compelled to explore; to the point where my starting to explore brought me out of a deep depression.
We’ve now been together for 11 and a half years, and married for almost 7 years. I feel that I’d be giving up a great life if I leave my husband. Then again, I feel like if I stay, I’m a “user.” But I’ve always felt like if I leave my husband, I lose. How would I really know, though? I’ve never really dated. I would hate to break his heart again. I don’t understand why he’s put up with me. Most people definitely would have dumped me years ago (permanently), and should have. I certainly think he deserves better.
So now I find myself wondering, “What is wrong with me?” Did I pick the wrong husband? Am I just not the monogamous type? Was I meant to be polyamorous? Was I ever truly in love with my husband at all? Am I a sex addict? Am I co-dependent? Is he co-dependent? What am I truly after here? Sex or love or both?
Thoughts? | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:21:07 PM | So now I find myself wondering, “What is wrong with me?” Did I pick the wrong husband? Am I just not the monogamous type? Was I meant to be polyamorous? Was I ever truly in love with my husband at all? Am I a sex addict? Am I co-dependent? Is he co-dependent? What am I truly after here? Sex or love or both?
You can label yourself anyway you choose. Lot's of people label themselves "polyamorous" when they are only swingers, and give polyamory a bad name. I have only labeled myself "polyamorous" because I am not a swinger. I seek emotional relationships with more than one woman, and not necessarily sexual intimacy. I prefer to have close friendships, but I don't turn down sex. I am not crazy! I am a red blooded American male. God Bless America. Happy Independence Day!
If you think you want to be polyamorous, you need to be honest with your husband. One basic tenet of most of the "polys" I have met is a strict policy of honesty and trust. Having affairs and cheating are not permissible. If that thought takes all of the fun out of your "game," you are not poly. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:32:05 PM | Nah .. at seventeen you don't know diddly from piddly when it comes to sexual attraction .. read some work by Helen Fisher .. this is why young kids should not use their genitals with another human until their brain develops properly to understand attraction .. you were way way too young to get involved with someone of that age.. as your neo cortex of the brain was not completely developed hence you make choices that your completely sexually developed brain would not have..
I suggest that if you both decide to make this work that you go and get some good books on couplehood or seek counselling together .. and only settle for a good therapist .. they should be able to make progress with you through honest communication... | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:33:39 PM |
So now I find myself wondering, “What is wrong with me?” Did I pick the wrong husband? Am I just not the monogamous type? Was I meant to be polyamorous? Was I ever truly in love with my husband at all? Am I a sex addict? Am I co-dependent? Is he co-dependent? What am I truly after here? Sex or love or both?
Ok, first, before I say anything else, let me just adress this barrage of questions by saying this:
You don't need to label yourself. It does not matter what personality defect you do or don't have, at this point in time. Putting a name to how you feel is not going to change, or fix, the situation you find yourself stuck in, so please don't push for a label.
That being said, Have you honestly even thought about getting a divorce? You should have figured this out the first time you cheated on him; you don't want to be with this guy. The only reason you're sticking around is because you're afraid of the aftermath of divorce... being alone, possibly the issue of finances. Unless I missed something, you don't have any children, which means you shouldn't have any excessive complications when filing for divorce, and you don't have that responsibility to deal with post-divorce either.
Ultimately, you're choosing to cheat and preserve a way of life, or not cheat, be miserable, and preserve a way of life. Both options are crappy, and you shouldn't have to choose either one of them. I would strongly urge you to sever the marriage, and do it soon. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:45:46 PM | | You were 16 and not ready for a lifetime commitment and probably made a mistake marrying so young. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:06:08 PM |
Thoughts?
You entered into a relationship/marriage for security and convenience IMO.
It seems you passed most of the responsibility and actual commitment to him, or at least didn't accept more than the bare minimum you had to, and then rationalized behavior to make it okay to circumvent that minimum of responsibility and commitment.
Terms such as "sham of a marriage" and "facade" come to mind. Those are really hard to maintain for long periods of time. Unless both people are doing it, and letting it coast along without much in the way of communication IMO.
What am I truly after here? Sex or love or both?
Control over your life, without being responsible to another person unless it's convenient to you and only if you get something out of it IMO.
But that could be said of anyone I think. So IMO you are getting to the point where you are tired of keeping up the facade or sham and feel you will have greater control and security if you no longer have any responsibility to your husband, don't have to maintain the facade, and can explore your "freedom."
I think you went looking for men to sleep with to validate that you were still desirable (had worth), and you still had control. That you weren't simply a cog to a fake marriage, worth only what your husband thought you were.
In simpler words you are looking to promulgate the type of relationship you've only ever really come to know, but you want to be the one in control.
In even more simpler words I think you have been exposed to the general social idea that you are supposed to be seen as an equal. But the only meaningful relationship since hitting puberty is you being submissive or subservient. So now is the time when your subconscious mind is forcing you to behave in ways that make up for it in order to balance out the fight between what you think society wants from you, how you fit into it, and what you as an individual want.
Those are my thoughts and what I think you are really after/doing. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:31:44 PM | The thought that I was way too young to enter into that kind of relationship has definitely crossed my mind. When I first met him, and he told me his age, I was like, "Ooh, 8 years, that's too much of an age difference," or something like that, and he wasn't bothered by it. I remember showing my parents a pic of him a couple of weeks after we had met. I knew they wouldn't like his age for some odd reason. My mom had told me that I couldn't see him anymore because of his age. I cried and begged and said I had never been so sure of anything in my life (which was true) and she gave in. Damn her! lol. (I hate to admit this, but a part of me loved having the relationship with him because I wanted to rub it in their face that it could work.) I even remember my therapist at the time had told me I needed to play the field (I talked a lot about Friend B).
Back in early 2006, when I thought it would finally be officially over, and was talking to my parents about it (this is when my husband had found out about the on-line relationship with the stranger), they had said they were afraid of something like this happening because of our age difference. And, of course, my husband called just hours after I had grabbed some things and left. I now realize that I never gave myself any time to think. I needed days, maybe even weeks, to try and figure things out.
And we do have a child now, which complicates things. I wish I had seen the light 3 years ago.... | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:09:58 PM |
My mom had told me that I couldn't see him anymore because of his age. I cried and begged and said I had never been so sure of anything in my life (which was true) and she gave in. Damn her!
If she hadn't given in, would you have listened to her or just ran off without her blessing?
(I hate to admit this, but a part of me loved having the relationship with him because I wanted to rub it in their face that it could work.)
That's what kids do.
Too bad more kids won't read this and realize that parents aren't just trying to f*ck with their good times... they really are trying to help them avoid making mistakes that are going to hurt for a lifetime. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:26:12 PM | | I normally wouldn't have time or sympthy for people that cheat, but life is never black and white. You were young, you made mistakes along the way. The question is, do you want to continue making the same mistakes? Just because he forgave you doesn't make him a better person, if anything I believe it makes it harder to be honest with yourself and do the right thing by walking away. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:32:34 PM | Yike. What a tale to get through reading.
There are many places where I found myself agreeing with your summation of yourself. You've been a not very good woman to this man.
And yet I had to return again and again and do the math.
I don't know where your head was - or where your parents were to allow you to make the choice to be with a man who was 8 years your senior at age 16.
Do you look back at that now and realize how foolish that was?
There is a tremendous amount of change that occurs between age 16 and age 24. Now 11 years later you're closer to his age at the time you met. Would you consider dating a 16 year old?
Doesn't that make you realize how inappropriately matched you were from the beginning?
You were immature and inexperienced.
You grew up - so to speak - while being with this man.
He has held a role in your life - more like a father. He's been tolerent of your escapades, and your tangents, and your nonsense within your marriage. Meeting someone online and telling them things you didn't tell your husband and then sleeping with that person you met? That's a very low form of behavior and certainly didn't show much respect for your wedding vows, your husband, or any spiritual faith you may claim to have.
As to your questions?
What is wrong with you?
In my opinion you think only about yourself, you're self-gratifying, and thinking only about you and what makes you happy and content. You put yourself first ahead of everything else.
Are you not the monogamous type?
Interesting but not something we can determine. We have no idea of what your mind set is, or your needs, or your reasons. You've given us little information - other than you don't respect marriage, your husband or the normal policies of conduct within a realtionship or marriage that most people hold sacred. So as to why you behave this way? Can't begin to guess. Maybe you need to have more than one man's attentions. Maybe you are trying to make yourself feel better about some insecurity by seeking sex with other men. Maybe you're a sex addict. Who knows? Certainly none of us online can guess. You should ask a professional.
Are you "meant to be" polyamorous?
This is possibly one of the most ludicrous things I've ever seen asked on POF. What? Like it's genetic? You think you can't control your impulses to screw around and cheat? This is outside of your ability to control?
I dislike intensely the adult human's ability to blame their own lascivious nature's on God, destination, genetics, or internal weaknesses caused by a psychological disorder.
You do not cheat on your husband (or your wife) for that matter because it's what you were "CALLED" to do.
That's a total crock.
And placing such a neat and tidy label on it - as society has done- somehow makes it acceptable to the world at large?
It isn't.
It is what it is.
You can't name it something pretty to make it okay morally.
I want the scarlett letters back.
All of them!!!
Allow me to ask you this:
Do you have children?
If so...
What do you plan to tell your children about why Mommy has to screw other men and cheat on Daddy?
Because you just couldn't control yourself?
Because this is what you were "meant" to do?
I hope most sincerely that this post has not offended you - but I also hope that it's perhaps opened your eyes to your own nature and your behavior.
If you're offended by being labeled for your actions - when your actions are so offensive - then perhaps you should behave more like a decent, good, and respectable wife and mother.
** this has been my opinion, and may not reflect the opinions of others or the POF site. It is neither right nor wrong, it is simply MY opinion** | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:57:35 PM | | A case of too soon too much. You may need to start over and live life a little. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:09:29 PM |
I dislike intensely the adult human's ability to blame their own lascivious nature's on God, destination, genetics, or internal weaknesses caused by a psychological disorder.
You do not cheat on your husband (or your wife) for that matter because it's what you were "CALLED" to do.
Now I wouldn't go that far. I think my problem is that I settled too young. Does it sound like I'm proud?!!! That's a far, far cry from the truth. I want to do the right thing. I'd rather divorce my husband than keep cheating. That's why I'm asking people's opinions. Sometimes, it takes others to truly open your eyes to what's going on. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:11:39 PM | You've never lived on your own.. You went from your parents home to the home you two shared. You should separate from your husband and live on your own for awhile. You're just being brave with your need for other men because you have the security of his love and his income and sharing of responsibilities. Crap ~ you even blame him for not leaving you when you confessed you'd slept with his friend.. you actually need him to end things for you because you're afraid to venture out on your own.
Do it on your own for awhile.. (and I don't mean move back with mom and dad by that) see what it's like to be independent. Speak to him about your questions you ask here.. Perhaps he'll agree to you opening your marriage up to something other than a monogamous one???? Or., he'll be so mortified that you don't respect the sanctity of your marriage and that you take advantage of your security with him.. he may just tell you to get the Fvck out and finally make a decision that you're too afraid (or would that be selfish) to make on your own.
It's life hunny and very seldom do we get to have our cake and eat it too.. without some sort of sacrifice in the end.. Time to get real with yourself and either sh*t or get off the comfortable pot you find yourself on.. you're taking advantage of a man that either loves you with total unconditionality or is so apathetic in his marriage that he doesn't care how you treat him.
Just consider your daughter's future sexual/emotional health and that you aren't dragging all your future male admirers into and through her young life.... You don't want her to learn by example do you?
Good luck.. I hope you find yourself soon for all your sakes. | |
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| 7 year itch or insanity???
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:13:21 PM |
Just consider your daughter's future sexual/emotional health and that you aren't dragging all your future male admirers into and through her young life.... You don't want her to learn by example do you?
Son, actually. And I have thought about that. I'm the type of person who won't want to introduce anyone to my son unless it's serious. | |
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