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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/4/2009 2:57:50 PM | I am recently divorced and back in to the 'pool of fish' after many years. I am sort of out practice to all this. I would love ideas and tips for '1st Dates'. And what is proper etiquiet(sp), where to go, what to do, hug, kiss or shake hands after the date, and making a second date.  | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/4/2009 4:04:17 PM | | I think if the date goes well, you ask at the end if they would like to go out again. I think whether a handshake, hug, or kiss depends on how well the date went. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/4/2009 5:52:04 PM | | I recommend going to where you want to go (I prefer sports bars), order some good food and just enjoy yourself. You probably won't hear from her again. At least that's been my experience | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/4/2009 8:07:30 PM | | A lot will depend on the person your date is with. Go some place where you both can talk, is public, will give you conversation starters, and share an interest in. Decide before had if it's dutch or a treat(yours or hers), and ask before the date is over if they want to date again. Handshake, hug, kiss-it depends on the person and the how the date went. In a way it's still the same as high school, a five-star date will flop if both parties are bored. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/4/2009 8:33:56 PM | most women like being wowed so try to take them or show them something u r good at. if you play the guitar go for a picninc and play a couple of songs. I see u got a bike in ur pic,grab an extra helmet and a jacket when u meet her and ask her to join you for a ride , do your homework and find a couple of nice stops where u can talk and enjoy some scenes.
if she's a dog person own a dog and u own a dog too , a meeting at a local dog park would be good enough or u could simply do the coffee thing | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/4/2009 9:30:45 PM |
most women like being wowed so try to take them or show them something u r good at. if you play the guitar go for a picninc and play a couple of songs. I see u got a bike in ur pic,grab an extra helmet and a jacket when u meet her and ask her to join you for a ride , do your homework and find a couple of nice stops where u can talk and enjoy some scenes.
..or if you're a hippie stoner, grab your weed and bong and meet for a "wake and bake" session | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 12:02:46 AM | Well, I'm sure there's a lot of good advice to be had.
I've found that taking the pressure of the 1st meeting by calling it that, a meeting rather than a date, allows you to simply see someone in person for a short period of time to engage in some chat where you can see their appearance, body language and mannerisms that you normally don't get in mail-chat and phone calls.
Going dutch if you do drinks or a simple lunch saves on your cost as, if you're moderatly successful or have other responsibilities you could find your wallet lightened quickly. Save that stuff for a date-date. In ye olden times before internet dating, most people already had this part dealt with. You'd already seen who you were dealing with...or, if a blide date, they were rarer and sometimes came with a recommendation from a friend, so spending a little cash didn't hurt.
Once the ice is broken with the 1st meeting and you have a better 'feel' of who you're dealing with, you can make mutual arrangements to either meet again or go out and do something. Or, if it didn't go well, move on to the next contestant.
But, in all honesty, meeting in a HIGHLY public place with security cameras and witnesses is best. You and her will be assured that security and safety is primary. Just read some of the horror stories that have happened to others here...and shudder. Thus, the coffee shop meeting seems to be standard...and I've been to several coffee houses...and I DON'T drink coffee!!!
Occasionally, you'll come across the wide-eyes lass who still thinks that the 1st meeting should be a fancy date with a very nice meal ($) and other forms for entertainment ($). Yet, with all that spent by you, they will still disappear on to the next contestant themselves. Those ladies (and free-loading guys) who do insist...I'd pass on. They tend to be people who'll devolve into a 'what have you done for me lately' type of person. And, unless they are exactly the type you're looking for (will put out in 'favors' as payment in kind) not really worth the bother IMO.
Hope that helps some.
But, most importantly, BE YOURSELF. Share little details about yourself, leave openings in your conversation for her to interject comments and ask her probing questions yourself. It should be a dialogue on getting to know each other's basics in a short time. I tend to schedule 2 hours for such events. But, they can be shorter or longer depending on how things are going. Physical contact is all dependent upon whether you're both comfortable with that. I often ask if they are into PDA (public displays of affection) and if so, take it from there. Some will respond to a hug, some won't. Some will enjoy a flirtatious invasion of personal space...some won't. Just read their body language is all I can offer. That, and be yourself. If you're a naturally touchy guy, do it. Eventually it will come out and the sooner the better. Why waste a dozen dates with someone who has 'contact' issues if you're a guy who's really into physical touching?
Oh, and be prepared to answer questions along the lines of 'what basketball team did you play for?' or 'Are you related to bigfoot?' You're a tall dude.
My only advice would be to toss in a couple more photos on your profile.
You should do well and if you're even mildly sociable, will probably have more meetings than you'd care to go on...and will prob. find a few date worthy ladies in short order.
Take care,
Z | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 12:55:05 AM | A first impression is the most important, no matter what anyone says. The best first date I ever had was when I had been talking to a gentleman, and yes he ws a total gentleman, for a few weeks online. We had met casually for coffee over lunch one day, so we knew that we did indeed want to have a real first date. He picked me up at my home in his SUV, and the first thing I noticed was that it was very clean and detailed. It made me feel very special that he had taken the time to do that. Then we got in his ride, and I asked where we were going, and he told me it was a surprise. I was intrigued. He satrted toward to Mountain Parkway, which is a beautiful, winding road that goes through the mountains here, and provides some of the most scenic views in the world. Once we got to one of the highest, most scenic overloods, he pulled in and proceeded to lay out a picnic from a big basket. He had ordered food from a wonderful restaurant, including a fantastic bottle of chillded chardonnay and a beautiful set of etched wineglasses, which he gifted me with, as a momento of our first date.
We sat there on the blanket, ate the gourmet food, savored the wine, and watched the sun go down and then appreciated the stars on that warm summer night. He was so easy to talk to, didn't try to turn it into a lovemaking session, just lightly kissed me at the end of the evening, which was perfect.
We dated for a long time after that, until he had some changes in his family life that made it impossible for us to continue seeing one another, which just broke both of our hearts, but his family obligations had to come first. But I will never forget that first date as being one of the sweetest, most romantic dates I have ever eperienced. He never treated me as anything other than a lady, and was so thoughtful and respectful, that I must admit, all of my 'first dates' afterwards were compared to that one from there on out.
If you can make a woman feel as wonderful as he did me on that date, by being thoughtful, romantic, and heartfelt, then by all means, repeat what he did and win your potential girlfriend over immediately....because he certainly did! If more men treated their women as touchingly as he did me, there would be much more marital bliss in this world! Good luck and God Bless! Beth | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 1:07:27 AM | Have a beer once you get there to settle the nerves before she walks in. Be polite and act like a gentleman. Women notice and appreciate that type of behaviour on a first date.
I met a guy who was very well behaved right though dinner etc and then we went for a walk and he turned into Mr Octopus............LOL. I couldn't wait to get out of there. It was a shame too because he seemed like such a nice guy.
If you really like her then you'll know and you should ask for a second date. If she's interested she'll agree. Good luck. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 4:14:14 AM | | To me on the first date, you should always meet somewhere in a public setting that way, the woman does not feel you have an ulterior motive. Opening doors for her would give her the sense that you respect her. I always give a woman flowers on the fisrt date as I do if I am in a long term relationship. Good conversation during the date makes for a strong building of trust. When the date ends all you can do id give her a hug or a little peck on the cheek and ask her to call you and that you would like to go on another date with her. Some women have this perception that men wont call them for a second date so let her call you. Try this and see where it goes. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 8:27:19 AM | I am far from a first date expert, but here is what I would suggest:
Offer to meet her there to ease her comfort level. Compliment her on how she looks, ESPECIALLY if you can tell she took time to get ready. Make sure you go someplace quiet enough that you can talk without struggling to listen or understand. If you asked her out on the date, pay the tab. Have an unwritten list of open ended questions to ask her. Use these when those little awkward silences come up, which is sometimes common on first dates. Be an active listener. Have fun, be yourself, and go in it with NO EXPECTATIONS.
EDIT: no one can tell you if you should hug, kiss, or handshake at the end. You just have to go with your gut. It is not hard to tell if someone had a good time with you. Personally for me, a handshake would be for a first date that would NOT lead to a second. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 8:57:01 AM | | Go wherever you feel comfortable, bearing in mind that many first dates will not go any further. People expect different things with respect to hug, handshake, kiss, etc., but from my perspective, unless you end up having a really good goodnight kiss, there is not enough chemistry or interest to warrant a second date. A peck on the lips is not a goodnight kiss to which I'd attribute interest or chemistry. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 9:34:27 AM | Tips
From a guys point of view.
If you meet her and she's misrepresented herself, don't waste your time and hers by going ahead with the date. I did that once and that's what brought me to these forums..to see what other people do in that sort of situation. I felt sort of "stunned" and went numb and just sort of went through the motions of the date..she kept asking me "what's wrong, you're so quiet". Finally I came to my senses and said "this is not working out" and I brought her back to where she had met me and dropped her off.
Never again. Next time around I'll do the following, and I suggest you do the same or similar... just say, "oh, you're not what I was expecting". Say "have a nice day" possibly followed by "I hear they're hiring at Seaworld" (just kidding don't say that) and turn around and just walk away. Trust me it won't be the first time it's happened to them and perhaps they'll take a lesson from it and maybe stop deceiving others.
If she's reasonably close to how you imagined she would be based on her profile and prior conversations, but you realize it's not going to work, then spend 15 or 20 minutes and have a nice chat and learn something new about a person you will probably never see again for the rest of your life. Something interesting or useful comes out of every conversation you will ever have with a person. Then, say goodbye, "it was nice meeting you" but don't make false promises about another date. It's not fair to either one of you. It's hard to tell a person to their face that they aren't for you, but follow up with a quick message "I had a nice time but I didn't feel any chemistry, good luck to you".
Let's say there's good chemistry, or even strong chemistry..I've had that and it's amazing when you are sitting there talking to this woman and it's so easy to imagine just kissing her all night long..(that's how I can tell I've got an attraction, as weird as that may sound).
I then suggest extending the date from the quick meet, perhaps dinner, or going for a walk nearby...I make NO attempt to put a move on the woman, however if the feeling is right, I will take her hand. At the end of the date, I will attempt to kiss, by looking her in the eyes and smiling and getting a read on her. If I get the visual "ok", I will slowly move in with my lips towards hers. At which point she may do one of the following 1) turn and give me her cheek, 2) allow me to bring my lips to hers or 3) give me a swift kick to the groin.
Assuming I get the kiss back, I will NOT, I repeat NOT attempt to use my tongue. There's plenty of time for that in the future. Slow but sure, build the anticipation and respect her boundaries.
These are my general strategies..your mileage may vary and of course there are exceptions. I was with a woman from a dating site (not this one) for about 2 months, it was rocky and it ran its course rather quickly and burned out. But at the end of the first date, I walked her to her car, she invited me to sit on the passenger side, she got in on her side, looked me in the eyes and said "I really like you but I need to be sure..." and she pointed to her lips.
That date did not end with a simple soft kiss on the lips...lol | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/5/2009 10:29:56 AM | I'd also like to add:
Do NOT do anything on a date that you wouldn't do in the long term. Doing so sets up a precidence of expectation. What it turns out to be is false advertisement, or 'Bait and Switch'.
A lot of people get easily Wowed when meeting someone they really like and desire and have a tendency to want to woo them. Offering to pay for any and everything, bringing flowers all the time, writting little love letters, opening doors and being a perfect little gentleman. Then, once a decent relationship starts, they slowly stop doing so...and their mind is no longer running a mile a minute and they feel they no longer have to be up on their toes to 'win her over'...she's already theirs now.
All that does is build resentment in the other person that you've 'changed'. Such resentment festers and builds and the other person becomes critical of everything you're doing. If you start actring nice again, it's just because you 'want something.'
Save yourself the aggrivation, funds, time and angst.
Be yourself all the time and make it clear WYSIWYG...What You See IS What You Get.
So, don't open doors or buy flowers or engage in silly romantic overtures unless you know you'll continue doing so all the time in a committed relationship.
Me, I'm a flower buyer. I will get them for no particular reason and semi-randomly. I just like doing so...even though I have no sense of smell. I also like giving small, inexpensive items on occasion for sentimental reasons. For example, I make pet rocks for the dates that went well...even if there are no follow ups. Something for them to remember me by...or hurl into a creek. I do NOT open doors unless I'd do it under other circumstances. I do practice some olde time forms of gentlemanly behavior, like walking on the outside (curb side) while walking down the sidewalk.
But, basically, do NOT turn into a 'You don't buy me flowers...anymore..." kinda guy.
An example would be the lady above who's date was one of those exce$$ively costly and highly Romantic ones. IF the man loved doing that himself, then it was great. But, if he was just doing it to woo her...meh. Too many men end up blowing every last penny on dating and then once she's something long term for him, the truth comes out and he's really broke and can't keep it up. A small, rare, handfull are mature enough to understand and appreciate his efforts and remain. Most just split. Then we get threads about "I spent $$$ on her all the time I couldn't afford to do and she splits as soon as I let her know I couldn't continue doing it...WTF?!? &^%$# golddigging womeny! I hates them lots!!!" Or the ones for the other end, where the women companes about what a cheapskate he is becasue he won't take her out to nice meals...or *gasp* expects her to go dutch occasionally...or *shudder* pay for some dates entirely out of her own pocketbook!!!
Yes, a little lengthy and redundant there...but, you'll enjoy it in the long term. Just BE YOURSELF at EVERY moment. Well, unless you do have ulterior motives. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 6:34:42 PM | A few tips and ideas:
Never discuss ex's. This usually means that either one has not gotten over them. Don't talk about sex right away or try to grab the woman. And yes, I mean grab and try to hug or kiss within the first 5 minutes! Try to keep the conversation light, no politics. Find a place that isn't full of noise and not too crowded, otherwise how else are you going to be able to listen to what she has to say and have a decent conversation. Definitely don't oggle other women when you're meeting someone new. Or spend time texting whoever the entire time you're on the date! Don't always be in control. It seems that some guys feel that they need to be in complete control, even deciding what the woman should eat or drink!! For goodness sakes, if you pick the woman up in your car, please clean it!
Interestingly, some of my best first meetings have been those where we spoke at length on the phone and then met and ended up spending the entire day together. And nothing ever happened, just had fun doing things (4x4, museum, vineyards, etc.) | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 8:22:00 PM |
ancientmystic-Never discuss ex's. This usually means that either one has not gotten over them.
Not sure about this one..at least as written...I agree don't talk about ex's in a derogatory and emotional way...because that DOES indicate there's still an emotional tie and that's bad news and a huge red flag to the other person.
However, the talk of ex's is going to come up because that's part of each other's history. Nothing wrong with discussing why the relationship ended and giving the other person a good part of the reasons behind you being back out in the singles world again.
Just don't make it the whole conversation. Like everything else, there's gotta be a balance.
I started a thread here recently where I went on a divorce rant on what was only a second date...the poor girl listened as I went on about how I was getting screwed by my ex and the entire court system. Not the thing to do if you expect a 3rd date. Despite my rant I got one anyway...lol.. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 8:57:12 PM | People are making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be. My suggestions would be:
1) screen via email for at least one week and have at least one phone call before a meetup;
2) lower your expectations to zero going into a meetup;
3) meet at a local bar for a drink or two over 1-2 hours (coffee, while tasty, is boring and too conspicuous);
4) try to be as loose as possible, and of course be yourself (don't make it an interview);
5) tell her at the end of the meetup that you'll email your thoughts about getting together again (an end of the meetup kiss is presumptuous);
6) email her the next day with your thoughts to let her know you have interest or to move on.
Voila, there are the Cliff's Notes to Online Dating 101 - The Meetup. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 9:34:29 PM | E-mail your thoughts? Can't people be nice and up front!? I know it's not always comfortable, but come on...
I'd be insulted if someone said they'd e-mail their thoughts to me. While possibly inaccurate, I would immediately assume you don't have anything to say that I might appreciate hearing or reading.
"Thank you for your time, I didn't really feel a connection, but I appreciate you taking the time to meet up with me"
It sucks to hear, but it's polite and acceptable...better than being told "I'll e-mail you" Personally, I'd agonize over her opinion until I got it.... | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 10:14:14 PM | Well, I'd be the one doing the follow-up email, so I'd have no problem leaving the meetup by saying I'd email. It's totally painless. How many people tell the other person at the end of a meetup or date that it's going to be a no go as far as future frolicking? I would venture a guess that's it's not many.
You initially met and communicated via email. I see no reason for the follow-up to not be the same. You have your answer one way or another and move on. If there's mutual interest, then you go to the phones. If they're not interested, they still generally answer to decline. If you're not interested, at least you told her, were nice about it and she knows. Simple. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 10:38:39 PM | | I didn't read most of the posting on here but...I’m suggesting that you meet her for a cup of coffee at Starbucks during daylight that way if you don't like her or vice versa, you can just drink the coffee really quick and leave or take the coffee with you. If you meet for dinner, then you're stuck through the entire dinner. It's pretty uncomfortable to be having dinner with someone that you don't want to be with. To hug or kiss...depends on the mutual feelings between you two. When I meet a man for the first time and if we get along, I prefer a hug over a kiss. Good luck! | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/8/2009 10:53:13 PM | I am recently divorced and back in to the 'pool of fish' after many years. I am sort of out practice to all this. I would love ideas and tips for '1st Dates'. And what is proper etiquiet(sp), where to go, what to do, hug, kiss or shake hands after the date, and making a second date.
If you’re just getting to know someone you’ve met via email – you should move at a pace that is most comfortable for the both of you. I know it should go without saying, but people here will tell you to wait a day between emails, wait a week before asking for her number, and other generic nonsensical advice that more than likely won’t apply to you. Talk to her, email her, when you feel comfortable enough ask her for her phone number. If she’s not ready for that step, she’ll tell you. If she’s mature she won’t hold it against for you for asking too soon.
Now, if you’re just getting to know someone you haven’t yet met. Coffee or a drink is always a nice ice breaker (for the first face to face encounter). Meet somewhere public, but that still affords you the chance to sit and talk “alone.” Starbucks is magnificent for such an outing. Be patient and enjoy the conversation. Listen to what she has to say and don’t be afraid to ask questions – most importantly be yourself and be HONEST. Part two to this tidbit of advice – don’t be too quick to decide if she is worth seeing again. Despite your email exchanges and phone conversations, you don’t really know her. Unless you are absolutely just not physically attracted to her, or she has a glaring deal breaker that you just cannot overlook. Give her a second chance (even if the first meet didn’t “feel” like it went well). Again, you don’t know her – she may have just had a terrible day, she may be nervous and fearful of saying the wrong thing.
On a first date, dinner and drinks are always nice. Ask her what her favorite dish is before hand – before you set a date for the date. Find a local restaurant that serves the category of food which her favorite dish belongs. PLAN the date. Most women (ok a lot of women) appreciate a man who takes the time to PLAN the evening. Ask her what she enjoys doing and see if any events are being hosted that she might find interesting – but try to avoid events that limit your ability to share in conversation. You don’t have to spend the entire night talking, but there needs to be some dialog shared between the two of you.
Dinner followed by a few drinks and a show, museum, or live band are always good first dates. Save the trip to the beach with a bottle of wine to watch the heat lightening lighting up the wave for a later date ;-)
Anyway, as for etiquette.
Again, ignore the ill advice of the jaded. Hold the door for her, let her select the wine, let her order first, wait until she takes the first bite before you dig in. Keep eye contact while talking to her. LISTEN to what she has to say. Do not stare at the 20 year old coed sitting two tables over. Compliment on her! Let her know you appreciate the fact she is spending time with you. But, be sincere – don’t shower her with compliments if they are hollow and meaningless.
Don’t expect a good night kiss. You can tell if the moment is right. If it is, it is, if not, allow her to initiate the parting-of-the-ways affections.
If she is driving home (i.e. you met her at the location of the first date) don’t be afraid to text her to make sure she made it back safely. Don’t be afraid to call her the next day (none of this wait 3 days to call her – another sophomoric moronism I can’t stand) to let her know you had a great time enjoying her company. If you’d like to see her again, tell her, if not, be upfront and tell her. | |
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| Going on '1st Dates'... Any tips and ideas.. Posted: 7/9/2009 8:26:59 AM | Eventually you're going to find what works for you. For me, the coffee meeting never ever worked. They became interviews. What worked for me was the go have a drink. If the drink went well, I would ask her to have dinner either there or some other place. I preferred to meet at a restaurant's bar. That is very different from a bar, or just a restaurant. YOU chose the place to meet. Get the woman out of her element. So while talking about things that you both like, mention places that YOU know. Then suggest those. Do not drive to the area where the woman lives. Make her make some effort and find a place in between or your stumping ground.
Never sit on booth, unless you are on the same side. Avoid big tables where you sit across. Sit on a 45 degree angle or at the bar. Many restaurants serve at the bar. Pick a place with a good selection of appetizers. Women do not like to be seen chowing down a steak on a date. I once had a date that cut her strawberry with the knife and fork.
Suggest her to pay for something. Like a round of drinks, or a coffee after dinner. Make the suggestion as a tease or joke. See if she goes for it. The reason this is important is because, when guys come across as wanting to impress and get the woman in the sack, they buy everything, they go out of their way for the woman. So her radar captures that and her defenses go up. When THEY have to make efforts and sense that you may indeed may NOT like them, they start to work harder, when they start to work harder, actually they start to find you even more attractive. And remember the meeting has two purposes, one, to see if you even bother to like the girl, and second, to amplify attraction.
Now this is going to sound cruel, so be it. But if you do not fancy the girl, don't just ended there. Use this opportunity to test your game. Okay, now the ladies here are going to try to crucify me. What I mean by testing game, is simple. Who are you? The reality that what another person perceives as you is a mix of attitudes and stories that you have talked about yourself. So when you talk about your high school you tell her some thing that happened to you, something tragic, something fun, something adventurous.
I have raced bikes, so that always seemed like a good topic, because they would keep asking me questions about that. Also when you are testing game, let's say she starts to talk way too much about her ex. You know she is not over. So you use this opportunity to learn how deep she is still in, and how to diffuse and change the conversation. So use all the first dates as learning ground for something.
For instance, when I first began to date, I noticed that the girls that I didn't like, were all over me, and the girls that I found incredibly attractive were kind of ambivalent. Hmmm. I studied the behavior I had for both meetings, and then I reversed it. The more I liked the girl, the more I treated her like it was not going to happen, so the more that she pushed. I almost got it down to a science where I could make her kiss me.
Now, very important. Have absolutely no expectations. Even if while emailing she got a little kinky, do not expect anything to happen. When you have expectations, the meeting goes south. When you have no expectations. Anything can happen. You may meet, have your drink and say goodbye. You may extend to have dinner. Or have more drinks. You may make out. You may sleep with her. You may sleep with her and never see her again, or be the mate for the rest of your life.
With my gf, she kissed me first, then I acted like I didn't care about the kiss, so she began to tell me that she was sorry, so then I gave her a huge one. So no rejection there. Also we made out a little in the parking lot, but decided not to sleep together because we saw this had some future. We parted our separate ways and she got lost and couldn't find the highway, so she called me. We talked and set up a date for the following day. | |
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