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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:38:20 PM | Hi,
Over the years, many young single mothers have seemed interested in dating me, but nearly all of them have been outside of my race (I'm of Chinese background). I think interracial dating is fine, but when there's someone else's child there, and the father is a totally different race, the situation seems awkward to me. For example, there was a young and beautiful, white single mother I used to work with who seemed interested in me. I thought she was great, and I would've loved to have dated her, but I'm sure her son had a white father. If I had gotten into a serious relationship with her, and eventually got married with her, do you think there would've been major problems for us, due to the child being white and his stepfather not being white?
I feel like in the early years, there would be no problems, but as the child got older, and his/her racial identity became more solidified, there could be some issues. I also think that it would be easier if the child was female. A male child seems more likely to feel more strongly about their racial identity. The number of men I've heard spew racist diatribes far outnumbers the number of women doing the same, for instance.
Have many single parents run into any issues like this? If you're a young, single mother, have you thought about hooking up with a guy who was of a totally different race than your child's father? Have you married any of them? Did it work out OK?
Thanks  | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:58:27 PM | Hi Shihku, I'm a single mom with two bi-racial children. I understand your concerns but honestly, I think you are making too much of it. My children have two distinct cultural backgrounds and I have one. When my son is exploring and trying to relate to the cultural background of his father, I respect his exploration and really that is all he wants/expects of me.
As for racial solidification, understanding and acceptance of that which differs from your cultural beliefs is necessary, anything less is asking for trouble.
As for the "racist diatribes" that can come out of some people's mouths, a child of a mixed race background or one raised in a mixed race household is
(a) less likely to buy into the racial stereotyping that exists in the world
and
(b) will be better able to handle crap like that because "racial diatribes" are usually a part of the raising of that child by that parent. I've had the discussions with my son about how racist some people are and we have discussed strategies to dealing with them. How many people raising same race children have had that discussion?
Having been in bi-racial relationships before, I can tell you that different cultural beliefs can strain a relationship but if you both respect and accept these differences that exist, that strain can be mitigated/eliminated. Discussing and understanding these differences is important for me to discern for myself whether or not I would likely be happy in that particular relationship. Honestly, what is the difference between personality characteristics and cultural beliefs in terms of navigating relationships anyway? | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:07:21 PM | | Hello. I am a black single mother whose children have a white father. My oldest however has a black father. My oldest connected very well with the white stepfather, called him DAD! I did not request this but did let my child decide. In today's society it did not raise any eyebrows. Now when my blonde haired stepson called me Mom, a few people did a double take for a second but noone said a thing. I have kissed so many toads that I no longer care what color my prince comes in, as long as he comes. I am more concerned in the beginning with how this person reacts to me if they are another race. Much later, when things are a little serious is when I will allow them to be introduced to my children. I am very watchful. If my child and the man cannot mesh, sadly, the man will be the one to go. I couldn't dream of marrying someone who could not get along with my children after several meetings. This concerns me more than race. When a child is of age to ask the questions, we should be of maturity to answer them factually and show how emotions overcame race differences. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:27:07 AM | You are way over thinking this and giving it too much importance.
My step father was not the same ethnicity as my biological father. My biological father was not the same ethnicity as my grandfather. I have cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and on down the line of people who are well and truly a big pot luck mixture of ethnicities.
Our family pictures look like a Colors of Bennington ad. It's awesome. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:35:48 AM | I won't deny some manifestations of racial predujices in today's society but, I'm sure -much less in a city like San Francisco- that you would never face more social problem for interracial dating than Bruce Lee with Linda in the early 60's.
At the personal level, your focus for considerations should be on the cross-cultural differences rather than the antropological/physical differences of the races.
Any black or white American, regardless of gender, can be married and have children without the reservations which prevailed 50 yrs ago about 'mixed' yet, anyone of them can be at the same time reluctant to date an Arab or an Indian... and not just because plural or arranged marriage ideas and/or the holy water or incense burner.
Not only is the culture and historic traditions but also, religions what might be an negative influence to overcome for the final countdown balance between the differences that set you apart and the mutual atraction or similarities as the reasons to be together.
It depends mostly of the abilities from each one of you for opening to multicultural assimilation rather than the focus on racial indentity. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:02:47 AM | Hello there !!
I am a single mom and am Asian! I do perfectly understand where u are coming from as to some points , I share the same concerns like you do! But I don't take them too seriously when in the dating scene! I have known friends that have been married to other races with of course different race kids and they seem to work the relationship well. I know this friend a Caucasian Lady who has same race kids as her that is married to an African American guy who seems to be getting along very well. One co-worker is Caucasian who is married to a single mom -Asian and they had been married for many years who also seem to be doing very well. This co-worker of mine actually jokes around when asked re: how it is being married to a single mom different race kids and he would reply "I am Asian *Cauc- Asian*" and I admire him for being able to answer a sensitive matter in a joking fashion that make sense!
I do believe the point is not in the matter of difference of race especially when the kids are concerned but in how 2 people are able to blend in despite the differences. How 2 people are able to make the relationship work despite their differences and to that matter different race Dad.
When I mentioned earlier sharing the same concerns like you do, these concerns had just been @ the back of my mind . I dont close my doors bcoz of those issues. I would prefer my race of course or anything close to that so as to have the awkwardness lessened when in the society or any other situtaions that can arise but as others who replied mentioned , it is not in the race difference that matter the most when one is in a relationship, it is more how the 2 partners are able to make something beautiful when being in a family of a mixed race.
Despite that I have the same concerns like you do.....what matters to me as a single mom from a personal level is having someone who would truly love and treat my son as his own. I guess the only way you would be able to know the answer to your question is when u are able to try being in that kind of a relationship where you can see for yourself how you would feel about the situation per se! The awkwardness may be there in the beginning like how I feel too when I am in this situation but to say the least, you will be able to experience it yourself and go from there! Experiences of other people vary and so is their reactions to different situations. Most of these would be influenced by a lot of different factors in the life and experiences of that person to make a difference being in a this kind of a relationship.
I wish you all the best in finding the right person!  | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:52:38 AM | Hmm thanks for the replies so far, everyone. To add to the discussion, I've read that the Black Social Worker's group opposes the adoption of black children by non-black parents, as they claim that there are psychological issues that come into play for the child. An interracial coupling + single parent situation is similar to adoption, so the same issues are there.
Many Chinese-Americans have very negative opinions of Chinese people. Often Chinese Americans are disgusted with Chinese immigrants. So, many Chinese parents are already having to go through the pain of having their own children, who are fully Chinese, having strong negative opinions about their race, culture, and so forth.
So if I'm the stepfather of a non-Chinese child, I would imagine these issues would be even more present (by the way, studies have shown that nearly all white-asian mixed race children, aka "hapas", identify themselves as white, and not Asian). If I have a family gathering, for example, I wonder how a fully white, black, or Latin child of mine would react to my Chinese side of the family.
I also wonder how this would all affect my child's life as they get older. Most people hang out with people of their own race. If my child is white and hangs out with white people all the time, what happens if his/her friends start mocking Chinese people? Does my child join in on the joke? Abandon his/her friends? | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:05:42 PM |
To add to the discussion, I've read that the Black Social Worker's group opposes the adoption of black children by non-black parents
Some still do but this is becoming less and less of an issue. One of the girls at church was adopted by the pastiest white family and isn't having identity issues. One of the other familes, wife is blonde, very pale complected and dad is from Africa, spends several months cumulatively there every year on business. The high-school aged boy said he is black so he gets a pass and he acts like a white kid so he fits in with everybody.
My kids are half Hispanic and have gotten some grief from people that try to tell them they are white despite their surname. My stepson's wife was confused because she met me first and assumed that his dad was really dark, which he wasn't. It took her a while to figure out I was the stepmom and not mom. I think part of the OP's issue is that it seems that inter-racial dating remains taboo in some Asian cultures more so than in others. OP, if you are the type of person that could adopt a child that needed a home regardless of racial background then don't worry about how difficult you make it for people to figure out your relationship with the child just on sight.
My middle son has clear Hispanic features, my youngest has nothing beyond his golden tan and my daughter looks more white than Hispanic. My point is that even in the same family with the same parents, kids can resemble either their father or mother so much that they are nearly clones. Mine have the same father but it isn't obvious because the three really only looked alike when they were babies. The same for my family of origin. Three different hair colors and varies from wavy to kinky curly, with again the same parents. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:10:08 PM |
So if I'm the stepfather of a non-Chinese child, I would imagine these issues would be even more present (by the way, studies have shown that nearly all white-asian mixed race children, aka "hapas", identify themselves as white, and not Asian). If I have a family gathering, for example, I wonder how a fully white, black, or Latin child of mine would react to my Chinese side of the family.
Isn't it your job to educate your children about your culture of origin whether they are yours, Chinese or something else?
When my kids are with my family, they are the three dark ones among the grandkids, easy to spot in the crowd but the important part is that they are in the crowd like all of the other grandkids.
Similarly, with my ex's family, mine were the light kids of the bunch. They have spent substantially less time with that side of the family in terms of quantity but they are much more connected to their Mexican roots than their Scotch-Irish/English ancestry. Much of that education about the family on his side also came from me and my connection with his extended family, so how your life evolves is really under your control more so than anyone else.
If you are worried about censure in your family, you cannot control that but if there are people that are more worried about you hooking up with someone Chinese than finding someone to be happy with, you would be concerned about their opinion why? I get respecting elders and family but there is a point when you have to be your own person. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:16:52 PM | | I am white and my two children have black fathers. Neither father is around. They're raised by lil ol' white me, and yet they identify with people of their fathers' ethnicity just fine. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:44:27 PM | | Race does not matter. What matters or not is if your a good man/person. Children want and need love. Boys crave a father figure in their lives. As long as your kind and good to a child they will respect and love you back. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:17:14 PM | There is no easy answer here - I wish there was - so I could benefit.
I am a single mom, white, with a beautiful bi-racial daughter (her dad is jamaican) and often worry about even starting to date. We have recently moved to a small town and i would love to try to meet someone - i have not dated since she was born - but i worry that not everyone is as open and accepting of mixed culture children...
is that REALLY still an issue???????????? | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:58:09 PM | looiss ~ I live in a VERY small town in Missouri (circa 6,000 people). My oldest is 6 yrs old and I've not encountered any negative issues. Occasionally, I'll be out and about and I'll see people glancing at me and my kids and sometimes people (mostly older ladies) will say, "Awww, are these children yours?" LOL that always gets me. People who stare at my two children, do so just to tell me how gorgeous they are. (of course they're beautiful, I'm their mother  ) Just kidding... But let me tell you, everyone and their mamas knows my oldest son. He's veeerrryyy popluar. We can't even go to the grocery store without some little kid yelling from across the parking lot, "Hiiiiiiii, Jakob!!!!" I think it's almost racism in reverse. LOL But he doesn't mind his popularity. Once when he was in preschool I was picking him up and one little girl ran up to me and said, "Jakob's mama?" I said, "Yes, honey." She said, "How come Jakob's brown and you're not?" I replied, "Cuz his daddy's brown too, sweetheart." It was an innocent enough inquiry. She was satisified with my answer and ran to play with the other children. Who knows what we may encounter in the future. There are other biracial children in the school system. There will be idiots wherever you live tho. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.... | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:42:48 PM | Dont make it an issue, and dont worry about what other people think.
Say proudly this is my stepson/daughter, and if they have an issue with race screw them, thats their problem not yours.
I am a "hapa", technically, but identify mostly as being white, my son looks very asian however and i am constantly asked where i adopted him from.
If im in a good mood i say he is my biological child, if im in a cheeky mood i will tell them i adopted him out of my husband nut sack.
If i fall in love again i do not care if the person is black or white or latino or asian, as long as i like the person and we rock together. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:53:58 PM | | Well, if you did get with that girl OP, what other people thought really shouldn't have mattered right? I mean, for all the strangers know, you two could have adopted that child. Or the child could have been yours, but looked just like the mom? I mean, if you meet someone and you fall for them, I wouldnt let what other people might think get in your way of happiness. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:59:24 PM |
If I have a family gathering, for example, I wonder how a fully white, black, or Latin child of mine would react to my Chinese side of the family.
The child will react the same way you do, especially over time, so if you are weary and worrying and wondering what other people say or how a CHILD will react to your chinese side of the family, try to remember, children are taught to discriminate. They aren't born that way and when they are kids, everyone is the same to them. Someone has to teach them to not like other ethnicities. The great part about being in a childs life is that it gives you some power to make a difference in our world, by raising a child to be a better person than half the closed minded, racist jerks that are out there ;-) | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:10:21 PM | Being multiracial myself I grew up in times that were well actually less receptive to difference in race and many other things too.. But I was one in my own family
that decided that I wasn't going to be like everyone else.. That's when I changed
my life and became the open minded and considerate person I wish everyone is..
I ask that you all pardon my honesty here;but I can only be that way..It's in my nature..
Mind you I'm not being boastful; I have a lot of pride in All the cultures that I am part of..
That being said; I believe that inter-racial dateing or coupling is only natural simply because we are all of the same race.. The Human race!!
We all have the same color blood running through our veins and depending on our genders put our clothes on the same way..
I personally consider a woman for not just what she is but most of all who she is.. and lastly what she can offer me..
So it don't matter what life style per-say or even the color of her skin,cultural or even religious beliefs or faith if you will.. The fact remains she is a woman..
At this point; I would like to make a case in-point..
I am a Mature and again multiracial male with a lot to offer a woman..
My point here is: That a lot of women only want guys that are for lack of a better description ten feet tall and bullet proof. . Well; to those Women I have news for you..
Superman don't actually exist.. and No one is bullet proof..
I may short in stature but I again can offer the right Woman everything she could ever want to fullfill her dreams and desires.. So believe it or not ladies size don't always matter!!
Once more that being said I can't unerstand why people want to make things so dang hard.. To Quote from Rodney King Some years ago in L.A.: Why can't we all just get along? End Quote!!
If there are any free,and open minded ladies.. that want a REAL experience with a REAL man then Drop me a line I'm sure you can find me on plenty of fish look for spanishlover359 and let nature take it's course:)
For everyone that is still so narrow minded you can't see past your own nose or actually your own descriminations then I wish you all the best your gonna need it..
Because those like myself that aren't like you will date and even have the best of the beauties that are out there.. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:00:28 PM | I think the OP, you are overthinking the entire situation. You haven't even mentioned the issue of love yet let alone even trying to date this person.
I don't in this time and age, it is an issue and if you both come from loving families, it will not be an issue at all. All I can say is go for it if you feel this is something that can last.
I'm curious to why you only attract single mothers though, care to elaborate on their reasons why? or have you even asked or just overanalyze it in your head. lol just bugging. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/6/2009 4:10:33 PM | With me being half asian, half caucasian, I look more white than asian, so i put myself as white. Anyhow. I have a chinese friend who'se aunt is white while her uncle was chinese, her family loves her and think nothing of her being white while her husband is chinese,and they've been married for 30+ years.
While some asian families have an old fashioned mindset and prefer their own dating their own race, I would think some would be open minded to welcoming a different race as long as their son is happy and loved.
Don't worry on what other people think and live your life like that, otherwise you'll miss out. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/8/2009 1:32:57 AM | I am a single mother and my two children's dad is black so they are not bi-racial. However, I have dated interracially and don't see any issue with it at all for my children. Children adapt remarkably well and they only see problems with things like race if they are taught to do so. Don't let fear of such things possibly prevent you from being blessed enough to find the person you're meant to be with.
Tiffany | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/8/2009 3:44:19 AM | Long before I dated interracially, I taught my children to respect people based on behaviors not on skin color, or lifestyle. I have a 13 year old daughter, who, in kindergarten first learned of Martin Luther King, and became obsessed almost. Read everything she could, watched everything she could. Often teaching me. She was probably the only little 10 year old white girl glued to the television set during the Coretta Scott King memorial. My children detest racism of any kind. When my son had to read a book about racism in Mississippi in the 1950s, he literally threw it and said "Mom, I canNOT read this!" I explained to him that was precisely the reaction they wanted to get out of children so we never repeat such atrocious behaviors again!
I say all that to say...if children are raised with prejudice they will mirror prejudice. I would expect that wouldn't be a family unit you would want to involve yourself with anyway. If we as adults accept all people, children and adults, as people without race...our children will follow. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/8/2009 1:57:54 PM | | Depending on how children of interracial couples are raised they can either grow up with an identity crisis or grow up with a great deal of tolerance and respect and even love for those who are different from themselves. Thinking that a child with interracial parents will somehow be messed up is ridiculous. However,if anyone has doubts that they would be able to instill in their children the same tolerance and love and respect that they have for all peoples which is shown by the fact they were willing to go outside their race for a mate,then by all means they should stick with dating and marrying members of their own race. Insecurity,fear,and uncertainty about how their interracial or children of other races will turn out may be an indication they would be making a big mistake trying to raise interracial or children of other races. Me myself? I would not have the least bit of concern concerning that. I know that I am a decent man and any children I raise would be decent unless they were just determined to be bad. Determined. God bless. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:50:17 PM |
Someone has to teach them to not like other ethnicities.
I strongly disagree with this statement. Parents are merely two people in a child's life. As they get older, they meet tens of thousands of people who influence them in various ways. All of this far outweighs whatever actions the parents can take. Personally I think this is a good thing in most cases, since you don't want two people to somehow have so much control over a child's mind that the child shuts out the world around them. | |
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| Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:10:12 PM | Many people are misunderstanding my posts. I'm not talking about an interracial child. I'm talking about a monoracial stepchild in a bi-racial relationship. Relationships between step children and step parents are already somewhat difficult, from what I hear. To throw in racial elements seems like another hurdle.
I would love to hear from the step children of such relationships, instead of just parents. If you're out there, did you "pick a side"? Did you mostly pick the side of your "real" parent, and not the step parent? If so, why? Because you "looked like them"? | |
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