| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:39:06 AM | OK so i have a VERY needy friend she is my age (20) has 2 kids and has been married not separated. Ive known her for going on 4 years she has been there for me and i have been there for her. Everyone knows about the situation when you have kids the father usually gets them every other weekend. I am on this website to date guys and maybe find a relationship but it seems like she gets very jealous of me dating and trys to get me to go out with her all the time . I feel bad for her because she has the kids all the time and when she goes out im sure she wants to go out and have fun. But it is cutting into my dating life and being able to get to meet people. I almost feel like im in a relationship with my best friend she calls me 20 plus times a day and is one of those people you can hit the IGNORE button and they will keep on calling and when she does call its just to talk about nonsense . When i am with a guy she always want to show up or she just shows up randomly not even being invited!! i mean what is the deal and what should i do i feel like im on lock down please help me!
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:42:58 AM | | a 20 year old with 2 kids and no man doesn't have a whole lot in common with an unencumbered 20 year old. I think you might want to meet some new friends who are at the same stage of life as you are. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:43:01 AM | These three words will say it all....
Ignorance is bliss!
Danz | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:44:18 AM | Voicemail is a great invention.
Tell her you need space.
She screwed her 20's up by havin kids.
Now she's tryin to live vicariously through you.
Exercise some tough love. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:45:08 AM | | She misses her friend and wants to live the single life, too. What is there not to understand? | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:45:52 AM | That's actually kind of scary. This is my first post on here but you and her need to sit down and have a serious talk. Has she been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness?She sounds like she doesn't understand or respect boundaries and it's time for you to set some concrete ones. I have one friend whom I talk to several times a day but 20 times a day, and coming over uninvited? Did you explain to her that is not acceptable?
It may hurt her but you aren't her wife or girlfriend and you certainly deserve to have a date. :) | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:48:45 AM | She's jealous and looking to get out of her situation. You need to yell at her and tell her to piss or get off the pot. She made her choices. Now, she is using you to provide some way to have fun. She's got two kids. Too bad, so sad.
Try and set aside a couple of hours a week to spend with her. Phone her and let her know when you have time to hang out with her. Then, she can look forward to it and hopefully, she will stop bugging you all the time. You need to schedule the time for her. Either that, or, cut her as a friend. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 1:34:13 AM | | OP your friend sounds a lot like on of my aunts (my mom's older sister) except she's still married & all three of her kids (my cousins) are moved out. I think my aunt has Historic Personality Disorder or something cuz she calls everyday to talk for hours about how busy she is. My mom tried telling her that if she would spend less time on the phone, she'd have more time to get her work done but my aunt keeps volunteering to babysit for one of her kids & then wanting my mom to help her. My mom eventually started ignoring my aunts phone calls & when my aunt tries to invite herself somewhere with my mom, my mom tells her she's busy or mite be out of town. My aunt still keeps calling my mom multiple times a day but she never leaves a message on the answering machine so my mom doesn't worry about calling her back. It seems to work somewhat cuz my mom does her thing & only answers my aunts calls when she feels like it. I also had a few friends like that in the past as well but things wer never that bad & after being ignored a while, they found other people to leech support & sympathy from. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 4:08:24 AM |
she calls me 20 plus times a day and is one of those people you can hit the IGNORE button and they will keep on calling and when she does call its just to talk about nonsense .
You're not her friend; you're her vomitorium. She's got herself into such deep quicksand that she can only drag you down, which is what's happening. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 4:18:43 AM | | I think you need to surround yourself with like minded friends and distance yourself from her. She has made her choices in life - don't let her limit yours. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 4:55:44 AM | I guess the thing that would make her happiest would be for you to get pregnant.
I checked your profile.....and with three jobs, you really deserve to spend your free time the way you want, don't you think?
I mean, if it was a male friend, wouldn't you say he is coming on too strong? | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:11:42 AM | | god i felt like the air was getting sucked out of the room just reading the op's post. op this friend of yours is on the verge of becoming a psychic vampire. op, i know you don't want to say anything to her because nobody likes to have those kinds of conversations, but you need to bite the bullet and sit down with her and tell her that what she is doing is way inappropriate, and unfair to you as well. as your friend, i don't think you would just say to her something that amounts to "knock it off", but you'd also ask what you could do to help (i mean besides just letting her show up on your dates and calling you 20x a day). and stop telling her where you're going! do you realize you're enabling her dysfunctional behavior? if none of that works, it's likely the end of the friendship. | |
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| ~~~that is not nice to say about a friend
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:30:48 AM | some friends just like hanging out more often
if you don'twant her to bother you just tell her to bug off
some people like tight friendship
and she thinks your her best friend
she thinks the boundaries are okay
she doesn't know that you are talking behind her back calling her a needy person that bugs you | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:40:47 AM | Few questions:
- you said she wants to spend all the time with you, so what on Earth does she do with the kids?
- you already know she might make surprise appearance, so why do you tell her where you are hanging out with your dates?
- she comes over unannounced, so why do you let her in when you're busy with something/someone else?
- I am a single mom whose baby daddy is not involved and whose family lives in different countries. I didn't have the time/money to go out or away unless I got a babysitter for many many years.
How is she stalking you when she has two little ones at home? Does she leave them in a cage or something?
*scratches head in puzzlement* | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:28:10 AM | You are letting her do this. When she starts calling, turn off your ringer and truly ignore her. Hitting ignore doesn't do anyting but annoy you when she keeps calling. You'll have to keep an eye on your phone in case anyone else calls, but at least you won't have to listen to your phone ringing nonstop.
Or you could change your phone number, LOL...drastic I know, but it's an option.
As for her showing up when you are with a guy...YOU are giving her too much information. Stop telling her when you have a date. When she wants to do something, tell her you are busy, but don't elaborate.
The only person who can stop her from doing this to you is YOU, there's nothing we can tell you to make her stop, other than for you to tell her to stop!
If you want to make plans with her to do something say "Do you want to do something Friday night? Because I am tied up the rest of the week and that's the only night I have free." Get "really busy" at work, so "busy" you are having to work evenings or something. Whatever you have to do. Just DON'T tell her when you have a date, and if you do have a date at your place and she shows up, IMO you are not obligated to answer the door! Her rudeness outweighs you ignoring her, IMO.
Like I said, only you can control what you let people do to you...you are going to have to learn to say NO and mean it. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:39:47 AM | Your friendship with this woman feels very unhealthy to me.
I would distance myself significantly.
Not respond to her messages or phone calls and teach her to cope with her life's choices on her own.
Otherwise, you're going to continue to be overloaded by her issues, and over taxed by her demanding friendship. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 11:30:49 AM | | OK folks, she is 20 and has two kids, no man and way in over her head. This young woman is desperate and overwhelmed. She needs professional help, not telling off or any type of hostility. She did wreck her life but there are people and places where she can learn to piece it back together. The OP is her safety net; if the OP can help her friend find other means of support she can then can set some boundaries for this friend and resume her own life. Parenting groups, support groups where young mothers congregate, counseling, etc. Good Luck OP! | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 11:36:36 AM | You should talk to her. Sit down with her and tell her you need space. Tell her you like going out with her, and you want to be there for her, but you have your own life as well. Don't feel bad because you can't take care of her. She's an adult, so she needs to take care of herself.
If she's truly a good friend, she will get that. But if this continues, you will always feel like you have to choose between having a life, or your friend. Why can't you have both? Try and help her understand that. If she doesn't get it, then you should take even more space, away from her.
Good luck, hope it works out. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 11:38:01 AM | Limit your interactions with her, have a discussion with the situation first with your friend.
I'm sure it's not that you don't like her, but that she's come to rely on you too much. You've enabled her, so partially you may be to blame for her actions/reliance.
And finally, you both are young, realize that while it may be annoying, it just is right now. Still- have that talk with your friend. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:42:11 PM | I agree that the relationship seems unhealthy at least on her end. You need to really talk to her with much love and explain to her, you need to have some time for yourself and try to build up you future.
Maybe you both agree on meeting once a week to have a good time.
Also make sure you set up rules....like:
-No show w/o previous scheduling. ( could be avoided by having one day for meeting).
-Don' share with her all about yr dates....something in her behavior is weird.
-Some women ( and men) after being treated badly by their opposite sex partners....kind of get so affected and decide to try homosexual relationships as a defense mechanism. Im just thinking out loud from reading yr OT.
In any case I wish you the best...dealing with hairy issues with people we love, its not always easy.
Good luck | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:02:25 PM | You are in total control of what you allow her to do and get away with. Calling you 20 times a day, showing up uninvited, all of that can be simply stopped by a firm ... NO I will be on a date and we can talk tomorrow. Please do not call me as I will be busy for the entire evening.
Don’t flaunt your dating life in front of a single mother. Need to know basis only!
Again...another choice you have control over.
I suggest you set up your boundaries real fast before you lose not only your date but your dating life as well!
Set her straight! | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:30:41 PM | Depending on how much you value her friendship you can do either:
1. If you don't value the friendship: Since she won't leave you alone after hitting IGNORE, you have to bluntly tell her your lifestyles are too different now that she has 2 kids to take care of.
2. If you value the friendship: When dating a guy, ask him if he has a friend for her. Playing matchmaker can be fun. Maybe this is what she expects you to do, and doesn't want to say it.
3. Tell her about this site and get her to register. If you can do it, so can she. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:01:02 AM | | Attonement 2009: She made a mistake. She's young, as are you. You can be the best of friends, or the worst of enemies. Life is too short, let it go and be good friends. Sometimes people don't see truth. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:45:55 PM | You need to set boundaries but I'm not sure how she is cutting into your life if you are going out or is your dating so constant that you don't have any free evenings to go out with the girls? Have you tried introducing her to other females because perhaps she calls you 20 times a day because she has no other friends she can talk to and her kids are probably driving her insane and yes, she wants to have a conversation with an adult no matter how stupid the topic.
Sounds like she needs to find other young mothers to hang with and that she has no understanding of your life just as you don't really understand hers. | |
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| Needy People
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:05:50 PM | Well like you said she is needy. I’m thinking she doesn’t have any other friends either, maybe some acquaintances but not real friends. Because of this she is turning to you every time she needs to talk to a friend.
Two things need to be done, one she needs to diversify and acquire more friends so she’s not always on your phone or at your door every time she needs to talk to somebody. It doesn’t matter how good of friends any two people are, if one is always turning to the other for every and all social interactions it is going to be trying on the other person and will put stress on the friendship.
Two you need to set some boundaries with her. Let her know you are her friend and you’ll always be there for her, but you need to be there for yourself too. You can’t be here go to psycho-analyst all the time. You, like many other people need your own space and time for doing your thing. You need to tell her directly that she needs to understand that sometimes you don’t have time for her every second of the day. If she calls and doesn’t get an answer she needs to stop calling until you return her call when you have a moment. You know when she calls and she knows you know when she calls so if you’re not answering her call she needs to chill and wait her turn.
One thing you could do as a friend to help her out is take her out with you and introduce her to some of your friends that she doesn’t know and help her make a bond with other people. If this is done with people that are your friends she will not feel like you’re dumping her since these are friends that you two would have in common. If she is really jealous of you dating, which I think is not totally the issue than she needs to get out and date too. Firstly of course she needs to decide what she’s going to do with the husband, either they’re done or she’s going to try and work things out with him. She needs to get busy doing one or the other and that in itself will take some of the pressure off you, give her something to concentrate some of her attention on instead of totally being on you all the time. | |
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