L1969
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Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 1 | |
| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:47:01 PM | Met a guy on here and thought I'd found a really decent man. Met for a drink, got on really well so met again 2 days later. He lived an hours drive from me but seemed happy to make the journey twice to meet me. Due to work, the distance between us and him being a single Dad, I understood that we would not see each other on week days. We emailed & texted daily and got to know each other that way. The next weekend he took me out for dinner on the Friday and then on the Sunday I drove to his and spent the day with him and his son. Seemed to go really well.
Continued to email & text and arranged to see each other the next Saturday but on the day he cancelled as his mum was not well - completely understood this and told him. On the Sunday he texted early afternoon & invited me to his so I drove there, spent thhe evening with him and again got on really well. I then drove home at 11pm in pouring rain & gales despite being scared of driving, I thought he was worth it.
He then went a bit quiet. I knew he had some serious stress going on at work so didn't hassle him, just the odd text here and there to say I hoped he was OK and showing an interest in what was happening with his work. Heard nothing from him all the next weekend but then he texted and said he had been in a bad mood & wasn't feeling sociable. I asked if I would be seeing him again and he said yes. He suggested the next Saturday then on the Friday night he texted a few lines about work and then when I responded he said nothing. Waited to hear from him but nothing despite expecting to see him on the Saturday. I sent a text, no response. He blanked me for a week then deleted me from his friends list on Facebook without a word. I sent a text saying that I did have feelings and what had I done wrong and all I got was "my head is not in a good place".... what the ????? is that meant to mean? Is that a guys way of dumping you but without taking the blame???????????????????????????? | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:52:28 PM | Absolutely not.
First of all, as he's expressed, he has a LOT of things on his front burner. Work, Mom, and he MAY be depressed, having a real bad "year" or could be suffering from depression. He's made it clear that you did nothing wrong, but he's obviously a bit shameful and drawing back. Don't take that personally.
You had a good couple of dates, so chalk it up to that. I would certainly leave him be and move on. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:52:31 PM | well
at least he let you know and made it obvious to you by deleting you off fb.
it sucks but what exactly can you do about it?
you need to grieve the loss and move on.
:(
but be happy
you get to go fishing agian! | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:54:47 PM | Look, let's drop the whole "blame" thing - it isn't like this was a six month long relationship, right?
With that out of the way, he's probably being pretty direct with you. His head may not be in a good place since:
1) Stresses at work. The economy is the worst it has been in a long time, and thus it has many people nervous ... and maybe him.
2) Still aren't ready to get back in the saddle, so to speak. Maybe he thought he was, but as a guy, sometimes you get to a position in the relationship and just ask yourself bluntly, "Hey are you ready to be serious", and surprisingly the answer comes back, "No." It happens.
3) His mother. Wow, how could I have missed that one. I recently lost my father a few months ago, and I just needed some time to breathe.
Guys can have unresolved baggage too. Now he could have been better about the break-up no doubt, but the only thing that you can do is cast out your line and try to catch another - after all, don't you think you deserve better? The best of luck in your fishing. | |
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L1969
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Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 5 | |
| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:57:31 PM | Maybe I was expecting too much expecting him to have the courtesy of saying "thanks but no thanks"
As for fishing again........... met a few guys on here but the men in my area (or those that are interested in contacting me) seem to be players and weirdos!!!!!
x | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:59:14 PM | Let me help correct the below:
As for fishing again........... met a few guys on here but the men in my area that you have found so far (or those that are interested in contacting me) seem to be players and weirdos!!!!!
Don't give up, but don't settle. | |
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L1969
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Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 7 | |
| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 1:16:41 PM | Thanks but really starting to wonder if Mr Right is out there!!!!!
Been alone for 4 years - few relationships but nothing that worked out. Maybe I have too higher excpectations and should get real!!! I am always loyal to anyone I am with and do all I can to make the relationship work. Maybe I am trying too hard! | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 1:22:43 PM | You know, there is something to that I believe - it seems like when I'm trying to force a relationship to start/work it never works, but when I just let things go their merry way, a relationship starts ...
As for expectations, sometimes it is wise to review them, but once you have made them never settle. You'll take it to your grave if you settle - to your *bleeping* grave ...
I've had a relationship that lasted six months, but nothing beyond that since I have divorced two years ago. I know it can be trying at times. All I can say is just hang in there. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 1:25:33 PM | This question is asked in so many different ways in so many different situations by men and women, but it all comes down to the same answers.
You'll never know for sure but it's likely due to one of the following
(In your case you can rule out "fatal accident or comatose in hospital" because he obviously isn't interested in you due to the Facebook deletion.
-s/he found someone else
-s/he has "conflicted feelings" and needs to sort them out
-s/he wasn't sure if he was into you but figured he'd give it more time and after the last meeting he convinced himself it wasn't going to work for whatever reasons..looks, personality, chemistry, etc
-s/he reconciled with an ex
-s/he's a homosexual and just figured it out
Those are just some of the possibilities
You know, there is something to that I believe - it seems like when I'm trying to force a relationship to start/work it never works, but when I just let things go their merry way, a relationship starts ...
There's a very good reason for that.
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:18:48 PM |
what the ????? is that meant to mean?
It means he doesn't want to see you anymore. Quit trying to bug the hell out of a guy that obviously is attempting to erase all contact with you. Figure out what your fear of rejection issues are - it'll help out in life.
Maybe I have too higher excpectations and should get real!
Bingo.
I am always loyal to anyone I am with and do all I can to make the relationship work.
That doesn't guarantee anything. Being with someone is a privilege, not a right you earn by doing steps a, b, c, or d (all of the above).
Maybe I am trying too hard!
Not sure what that means. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:10:37 PM | Whut? No sex on the first, second or third date? No wonder.... the poor guy needed some kind of stress relief and I guess you didn't supply it!
Ok....maybe not.
Sounds like he'd been overcome with life's problems as is....adding a GF who was an hour away didn't help matters...just complicated them more.
Or maybe the kids DID have reservations about you...kids don't take good to new adults in their parents lives at times.
Maybe mama didn't like sonny boy having a GF so far away that it took so much tme away from him to help her out.
Who knows?
You can't know unless you ask...and he may choose to not respond...his choice, not yours.
Better luck next time around. | |
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rhodax
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 13 | |
| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:21:27 PM | Sounds to me like he had a lot of excuses. chalk it up to a smooth talking player that didn't get what he wanted so he moved on. Of course, if he had gotten what he wanted he would have moved on anyway.
Don't fret, just keep looking. There's always a Mr. Right but since almost everyone else is Mr. Wrong you have to do a lot of shopping. | |
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L1969
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Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 14 | |
| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:06:57 PM | Thanks for all your opinions.
Just wanted to make a few things clear to those that were a little more "blunt" and even hurtful in their responses.
I didn't bug the hell out of him, I backed off.
I did have sex with him. Maybe too soon & I regret it now.
My query was how could he change from being the one that did all the chasing, suggested meeting, acted like he was keen etc and then went so cold. If you don't want to be with someone then why suggest a date to get together and then not bother? He had gone quiet for a week so I backed off & gave him space as I knew he was stressed with work - he had told me all about it. He then contacted me again & then went quiet again.
I have been rejected before and I can deal with it - this is not a rant from a bitter woman who didn't get what she wanted - I am just trying to understand why someone would be all keen and then back off and then make contact again and then back off again- bit confusing. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:24:41 PM |
I did have sex with him. Maybe too soon & I regret it now.
IMO, you should regret it. When women are intimate with men, generally "feelings" get involved. They start to think that there is a deeper connection and when a guy gets bored or starts to back off, they end up... well, they end up like you. IMO, the 2nd mistake was "getting to know" each other via email & text. The ONLY way that you can get a true depiction of who/what you're dealing with is through face to face interaction over a period of time. IE: you slept with a stranger on the internet.
My query was how could he change from being the one that did all the chasing, suggested meeting, acted like he was keen etc and then went so cold.
Hard to say. Maybe you were a rebound? Maybe he has deep routed psychological issues? Maybe the more he was around you, the less he liked you? Maybe you were horrible in bed??
At this point, I think that the only thing that matters is that hopefully you learned something from the experience and will take the steps to prevent it from happening to you again. Take the time to really get to know the next guy (in person) and I guarantee that if things don't work out, at least you won't feel so bad about it.
That's MY take on it. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:09:15 PM | | OP this guy is what us guys often refer to some women as "damaged goods". Its quite selfish for him to be trying for another relationship when his previous is obviously still affecting him. Without going into any detail let me say I am familiar with this type of situation and the only advice I can give you, although there are no guarantees, is do not go for a guy less then 2 years out of a marriage or very serious relationship. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/6/2009 5:00:25 PM |
I am just trying to understand why someone would be all keen and then back off and then make contact again and then back off again- bit confusing.
Guess I don't understand how you expect us (or him) to give you a rational explanation to irrational behavior. Unstable people are confusing. That's life - it's the risk we all take when dating - it hurts - move on. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/6/2009 5:12:38 PM | Regarding the guy in your original message: I'm sure he was feeling a lot of stress between work, his mom being sick, and being a single dad.
Sometimes you just don't have time to squeeze in "being a good date". Maybe he thought you were kinda pressuring him.
I know I have gone through times where I just feel I can't handle anymore and end up weeding out things.
I sometimes feel badly about burning bridges but when you feel things closing around you, you have to simplify your life.
If you wanted to stay in contact, I think the best thing to do is to send him a message just saying you understand how busy he is and you hope everything is ok. And that when he is free, you would love seeing him.
Anyway, if you did do something wrong, I'd say it was making him feel more pressure then he already had. | |
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| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:01:22 AM | I did have sex with him. Maybe too soon & I regret it now.
No, not maybe, DEFINITELY.
You really need to understand how most guys think. I say "most" because there are exceptions to every rule.
I consider myself an exception, I'm looking for my next long term relationship, and I am not in a hurry to go right for the sex...I like the mystery, the building of the excitement, slowly turning the unknown into the known, and then finally reaching that point where intimacy is complete, but enough time has transpired to develop real feelings for the woman which makes it so much more special. I have not had sex with a woman outside a committed relationship in the past 25 years of my life. Of course my college days were another story.
The average guy...is going to ascribe to the "Deer Hunting" analogy that I have read about but modified a bit and added more detail and meaning.
Lets say a guy decides to go on a deer hunt with his buddies. They might go away for a week, and brave through blizzard conditions, freezing weather at night, hours and hours of waiting and searching, all for the possibility of nailing that elusive 10 point buck. And if they should find one, and shoot it? They'll take it home and mount the head on the fireplace and look at it once a day for the rest of their natural lives and be proud of their trophy.
But if you take that same guy and throw a 10 point buck on his front doorstep, and then ring the bell and run away, he'll open the door, look down and say "Who the F-U-C-K put a dead deer on my doorstep!"
Disclaimer- I don't like hunting, I think it's cruel, but it makes a great analogy for how guys view women and sex. | |
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rhodax
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 20 | |
| What did I do wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:11:10 AM |
I am just trying to understand why someone would be all keen and then back off and then make contact again and then back off again- bit confusing.
Why? Just keep the signs in your mental man filter and avoid this type in future. Brooding over what's over and done with just takes away from your ability to enjoy the future.
If you're really asking "What is wrong with me that makes a man do this" then the answer is "Nothing, the man does this, not you." Keep looking and forget about the guys that have failed you. | |
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