| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:52:21 PM | My wife and I have been split for only a few weeks now. She left. I support the decision to split, we both agreed we can't live like we were. I'm here doing my daily routines, working and keep busy. Some days are horrible, like today. I had a great day, I got to race Stock cars for the first time ever and I had a blast. Now I'm just here with a lump in my throat wondering if it will ever get better.
My wife and I were together for 15 years. I'm 32. She has terminal lung disease (Cystic Fibrosis) and in the past has not been able to look after herself all that well. I was her primary caregiver. Now I'm being forced to accept she's on her own, I can't look after her anymore, I can't protect her from anything, I am now a bystander. She says she's fine, and getting things sorted for her and that she's happier this way, I can't help but feel she's not, or at least she's just trying to convince herself she is.
I'm worried. I'm also scared.
I don't want to renew the relationship, Friends is all we will ever be now. I just am having a hard time coping with the loss of my life as I knew it. Now I have a whole new chapter to start, a whole new outlook for the future. I have the opportunity now, to do things I never would have been able to. My wife's family was closer to me than my own, I've been a part of that family for 15 years. I've lost not only a wife but a family.
Some days are good, I try not to indulge in any destructive behavior (drinking for example). and I try to keep positive. It's just hard being in our new home...my new home, alone. We always had a plan for the inevitable day she doesn't recover from a lung infection, I would be there. We'd be together at that moment and everything would be okay. The number one thing I was ever afraid of when she was ill is that I wouldn't be there, wouldn't be able to say goodbye. Living my life with her is all I know, now I'm just empty, sick inside.
Today is a bad day. When do the bad days stop? | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:06:07 PM | | I'm sorry, I havent been threw anything like that but when im down i usually find uplifting songs and lay in bed and listen to them. They give a positive message and some times can keep your mind off of the bad and you just enjoy the music. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:15:11 PM | | It'll get worst before it gets better. It takes time. Keep yourself busy. Find things that you like to do in your spare time or if not take on a new hobby. Join the gym. Exercise helps the body! You would be surprised. Read a good book. Go see a funny movie. Do not stay at home alone for too long periods without doing anything. Go see friends or family. Make new friends. Join clubs. Go to meetup.com in your area. They have alot of different topics of interest. You are adjusting. Good luck! I am sure all we be well in the end. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:28:58 PM | | No recently separated guy should be looking for a date... you need time to heal and dating is just a distraction and incredibly unfair to someone who may desire.. more .. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:52:57 PM |
My wife's family was closer to me than my own, I've been a part of that family for 15 years. I've lost not only a wife but a family. Closer to her family more so then even your own, why is it you feel you must lose them? Perhaps for a while, yes, it's understandable that you, and they, may need some distance, but there isn't anything in your post to indicate that it should be uncomfortable forever to be involved with them, or them with you. It IS possible to regain the closeness with them once you've achieved a better balance in your life, if not sooner. Is there any member of the family that you may be able to stay in relatively close contact with through this transition even if it may be a bit uncomfortable at this time... perhaps one that it would be the least uncomfortable to do so?
Some days are good, I try not to indulge in any destructive behavior (drinking for example). and I try to keep positive. It's just hard being in our new home...my new home, alone. It takes time to get used to any new place for most anyone, regardless of the circumstances. Try working slowly towards making the home your own, ie. surrounding yourself with things that interest you in particular: for example, new paintings or pieces of art, a particular style of furniture, colors of paint for the walls, a pet... etc.
We always had a plan for the inevitable day she doesn't recover from a lung infection, I would be there. We'd be together at that moment and everything would be okay. The number one thing I was ever afraid of when she was ill is that I wouldn't be there, wouldn't be able to say goodbye. There is no apparent reason why you could not be there, OP. Even if she, right now, says different I can't imagine any type of rejection occurring at that crucial time.... unless... maybe the breakup is a really bad one, and could have very well impacted her previous needing of your presence at her passing? If that isn't the case... as I said, I see no reason for you to not be there at that time, and should, quite frankly.
Today is a bad day. When do the bad days stop? Well.. because of this...
I had a great day, I got to race Stock cars for the first time ever and I had a blast. You are doing better then you think, OP. Kudos!
Ok.. the lump in your throat as you wrote this, was a bad PART of the day - usually nights are the toughest, but tomorrow awaits with it's possibilities for a great time such as you had earlier today. Bad days don't stop, OP, but they do change. The Bad Days of missing what your relationship once had will become fewer, and further between, until the good ones far out number the bad, and the bad feelings will be replaced with the happy ones that you shared with warmth, maintaining compassion. Sadness may always be present when remembering, to an extent, depending on your personality, and relationship with your ex's circumstances.
Hang in there...  ... TIME, and using it to take care of You, in positive ways.. bit-by-bit. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:08:26 PM | OP,
I'm not a psychic, but from what you have written it seems to me that you are a very kind and giving man. Also a man that has done lots of good things for his wife. We don't know ( not asking here), the reason for the separation.
I want to say something simple and I hope it sticks to you. When you do good to people, you always get rewarded....maybe not right away, it might take sometime, but you will be happy again.
My psychiatrist told me to set up a daily time for bereavement. say 3 pm every day.
look at a picture of her or something that is hers, cry of you need to...if you do this daily, one day you will find out you don't need to do it anymore. I think its a wise advice.
About you, you are a young good looking man. Im sure you will find more than a few ladies that would love to date you. As I read on yr profile, you don't have children. This is a plus for building up a new life....children are lovely, but they cause some issues in 2nds marriages.
Count your blessings....that always helps!!!
Wishing you the best
G. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:47:11 PM | | I honestly don't know when the bad days stop. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, we were practically married. We lived together and everything. Its been almost two months, and I still feel aweful. There are days, like you said, that I feel like I can go on, but more often I feel like I can't. I find the best thing to do when I'm having a bad day is to talk to people who are going through similar situations. It doesn't make it better, but it does let you know you're not alone. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/6/2009 12:19:04 AM | I'm not sure when they stop, but they get progressively easier to deal with..
I am sorry for what you have had to endure, but you CAN endure it. Just try and keep yourself busy and focus on you. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/6/2009 11:27:57 AM | | I agree with the last post. My last relationship was up and down, break up and get back together again. What recently happened is she told me she doesnt love me anymore. That was hard to deal with. It got a little better than I found out she is dating someone. I know that we do not need to be together but it still hurts. There is a song by Brooks and Dunn called its getting better all the time. That song hits it. I would like to say everyday it will get better. It doesnt. You will have to ride the rollercoaster to the end before you can exit the ride. There will be up times and down times. I promise that it will end. Eventually. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:10:09 PM | I am right in the middle of heart break hotel with the rest of you.....Today, I started crying in the grocery store...!!!!! I mean, how pathetic. My break up is rather fresh, but our relationship, if you read my posts had been rocky for sometime. I thought things were looking up. I had indentified the areas of work that I needed to conentrate on and had started to make those changes. He was reluctant to change. I think he is truly battling with a decision....Do I want to stay with her (he felt that we were practically married) and have to settle down (he is 38 and never married-not that that is a bad thing....but could be committment issues) or do I want to continue being able to "party" and have my independence. I think he loves independence, but hates loneliness. And, do I think he loves me? somehow, I do. However, I have a suspicion that he is already looking for women, but more on a hook up basis. I don't understand men.....I couldn't hook up a water hose right now (haha) much less that kind of hook up....Men ( i know...not all men), but I do believe they can have "rebound sex" and not think twice about it.......Of course, I guess some gals can too. But you know, if I do get asked out (by who>>>>???) I might just go...
Anyway, enough about me. Lots of us are suffering right now, OP, and I think it helps to know we are not alone. | |
|
| When do the bad days stop?
Posted: 7/6/2009 4:24:57 PM | All your replies leave me with something to ponder. Yesterday was a particularly bad day, I had one of the most fun experiences ever, then I went home. Having no one to share it with really makes a person feel empty. Knowing that I'm not alone doesn't really help me, I would never wish this on anyone. I know I'll live thru this, I have no choice really my eyes open in the morning and I'm still breathing just like everyone else. I think mainly it's fear of the unknown. When you have lived a certain way, and known what to expect for so long... the clean slate is a scary thing. I'll figure it out, I'll have more bad days, and they'll suck. I know I've just got to suck it up, It's my choice how this goes for me, I just hope I choose wisely when its most needed.
and gardnergirl3, don't worry about dating, don't worry about guys hooking up, and you're probably right, he's looking for other women. It's what we do (we're kinda simple minded huh?). I mistakenly already have "hooked up" with someone and it wasn't worth the effort. Just went thru the motions really, didn't help a bit.
All we can do is play the cards we're dealt.
Cheers,
Kev. | |
|
|
Home
login 
