| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:40:54 AM | Advice needed please, i have been seeing a separated man for 9 months. We text daily and see each other about twice a month. Recently he texted non stop for two days about us meeting up, on the evening of the meeting he didnt show up. When i text him to find out why, he replied, he cant think straight about what to do with about his wife with me in his life. He insisted all the way through our relationship that he doesnt want her back.
What i cant get my head round is why going to bed one evening with plans to see me and he cant wait and then the next day never wanting to see me again. Help, am confused. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:43:26 AM | It's because he's been seeing her, probably all along.
Don't date men unless they are single or divorced. If he isn't ready for a divorce, then he isn't ready for someone new. Consider it a lesson learned.
~Justin | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:50:27 AM | Nothing to really be confussed about, He is still involved with his wife obviously, he may have thought that seperation is what he wanted (if indeed he is seperated) but has had second thoughts. As thadood38 said.... lesson learned, unfortunatly at your expense.
Good Luck | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:52:51 AM | Hi rarejules!
I'm sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain. That is why I (and many others) observe this one, simple cardinal rule. NEVER and I mean NEVER get involved with a person who is "separated." These people (whether they want to admit it or not) have an enormous amount of emotional upheaval that they need to deal with. There are so many things a person has to go through during the divorce process. Loss, anger, pain, guilt; especially if there are children involved. They really need to get their own heads on straight before considering taking on the responsibility of a relationship. The emotional psyche has taken such a beating that the person going through the separation/divorce really needs to step back and take time to HEAL. Otherwise, if they get involved too soon, more often than not, the person they are getting themselves involved with gets hit with the emotional splatters of what their "partner" is going through. All too often, you will find yourself getting tarred and feathered with the same brush as the soon to be ex.
I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the painful way, but hopefully it is one that you will take to heart. You deserve a man who is emotionally whole and available for the sort of loving relationship that you deserve.
Blessings!
AJ | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:00:53 AM | First of all, you do not have a relationship if you are seeing him only twice a month. You are simply his fvck buddy.
What you need to do is ask yourself a few questions. Does he live in the same dwelling than his still wife? Do they have any children? Who is doing the dumping in that relationship? Her? Him? Why? Have she cheated on him? Or was he the one who cheated on her?
Answer all these questions and you will end your confusion. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:02:04 AM | | He is not divorced and apparently not ready to settle down with you or let her out of his life. I would guess that the two of them have been communicating for some time. Sorry. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:03:01 AM | | Separated to me means off limits and still married. Until those papers are signed they shouldn't be out looking for someone else. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:05:00 AM |
he cant think straight
When a man tells you he has his head up his azz, believe him.
He doesn't know much of anything right now so unless you like this kind of misery stop all contact. Otherwise you can play this game with him until it makes you so confused you won't be able to think straight either.
Cut your losses. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:12:58 AM | | He has moved into a rented place with a years lease, they have no children, he left her but she is very very upset about it. No one cheated as far as i know. Keep thinking if i can just hold on, he will want me and divorce her. Am still confused | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:17:57 AM | He has unfinished business to attend to. This is what happens, IMO, when people start trying to get into relationships before the divorce is finalised and there has been some sort of healing period...
Sorry for your pain, RareJules. I would give him all the space he needs to sort his head out and keep myself as busy as possible. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:22:32 AM | | I have on occasions asked him not to text me as i thought he wasnt ready for a relationship, but he always wears me down and insists he does want to see me. I really appreciate all your thoughts and advise. I suppose what i really want to hear is that he will want me, but dont think that will happen. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:28:52 AM | He's not confused...
He's enjoying two women paying him so much attention! | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:29:23 AM | For some men (and I say SOME, not all), leaving a woman that you have been with for a very long time can be akin to the same emotional upheaval that people experience when a loved one dies. They go through the same emotional stages of anxiety because in essence a part of their life has died and they are moving on to a new life. This can be very dramatic for some, and not everyone is going to understand unless they have been through it themselves.
As for the gentleman in question, it's hard for any of us to know what is going on in his head, only you have the option of sitting him down and asking him directly what is going on. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:35:05 AM | Here's the problem. Even if he seem to want you, right now you are the "rebound" girl. Nothing more. By texting, and sounding obsessive it sounds to me that he is not comfortable being alone. I would not be surprised if he is still playing his ex. And using you to get what he wants out of the ex which may be more intimacy.
My advice is to stop taking his messages. The best would be to write him off completely, because once he cuts the umbilical cord with the ex, you are part of that memory, thus the reason that "rebounds" usually do not last. But if you persist with this guy, to have a "relationship" you need to meet at least twice a week. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:39:51 AM | Keep thinking if i can just hold on, he will want me and divorce her. Am still confused
NO, NO, NO, and I repeat....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please read what you just wrote and really think about it!!!! Do you think that little of yourself that you are willing to "hold on" and be this guy's emotional tampon while he "decides" between you or his ex. You are not an object to be "decided" over. You're not some puppy in the local dog pound waiting and hoping while someone "decides" whether or not you will be "chosen." For God's sake woman, credit yourself with some more pride and dignity than that. If he was truly well and ready for a relationship and you were the one that he wanted, there would be no "holding on" and YOU would be the priority in his life. Sounds to me like this azzhat is having his cake and eating it too. AND YOU ARE ENABLING HIM TO DO SO!!!!! 
Hold your head high, walk away and find a man who WANTS to be with you.
AJ | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:42:39 AM | it concerns me here that no matter that the real guy says you all think "hes lying", i am so glad i dont date...
if you lot never trust what a guy says you ALL SHOULD BE SINGLE and choosing that way... | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:43:00 AM | I can only speculate, but I have seen many, many newly separated men who find they enjoy the freedom of their new found single status. Since you only see him about twice a month, and other contact is limited to texting, IMO, there is a distinct possibility that you are not the only filly in his stable.
The very first thing most people caught up in a separation and divorce do is to try and validate their attractiveness to the opposite gender. Unfortunately, it seems the more, the merrier is the rule, not the exception. Between continued contact with the spouse ( I read somewhere that over 60% of the people who separate, have sex with their soon-t0-be-ex partner at least once), and the buffet of goodies suddenly being available, it is probable he really doesn't want to jump into another commitment. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:53:50 AM | He's married and that alone should have been a red flag.... | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:02:27 AM |
When i text him to find out why, he replied, he cant think straight about what to do with about his wife with me in his life. He insisted all the way through our relationship that he doesnt want her back.
Being honest, this is EXACTLY why I tell separated men who write to me here that I'm not interested in getting to know them. I explain it's a personal boundary and ask that they respect it (so I don't get back nasty replies). They've all been very gracious about it.
OP, it's a complete spin of the wheel when you choose to align yourself with someone whose separated. Alot of the time that means there's unfinished business between the couple.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward from this. At least you're able to take something positive from this - a lesson learned. Everything in life is a learning experience, right? More than likely, because of this experience the next time you won't be open to this type of situation, and you'll save yourself alot of heartache.  | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:12:08 AM |
it concerns me here that no matter that the real guy says you all think "hes lying", i am so glad i dont date...
if you lot never trust what a guy says you ALL SHOULD BE SINGLE and choosing that way...
Wow...bitter much are we? Sounds to me like someone needs a cookie! TRUST is EARNED, not given. And from what the OP posts, this "man" has done nothing to earn her trust, let alone respect. He states that he "can't think straight about his wife while the OP is in his life" and then turns around and persistantly text messages her about how he wants her in his life. He makes a date to meet and then bails "because his head is not on straight." Oh yeah SFX, this is a man I would trust! 
AJ | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:25:30 AM | | OMG, he has just text me and asked if i am ok. Is that out of concern for me or covering his back in case his wife finds out about me? | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:26:21 AM | | I really try not to date men who are separated. One previous poster said that you were his friend with benefits, as you saw him only 2 times a month. I have dated several divorced men that I saw only several times a month due to our schedules, and sex was not involved in any of these situations, so gosh, women can actually be seen as friends not friends with benefits? I have a friend who started dating a man who was separated, his divorce became final a few months after they started dating, and they continued dating and married about 2 years after he was divorced. They have been married for 10 years or more and seem to be doing great. He and his first wife did not seem to have any kind of dislike for each other, they seemed to be best friends and probably never should have married, as they did not have any real passion or romance for each other. Guess it might depend on several factors such as if one is still in love with the other person and/or might take them back or whatever and if children are involved. Chalk it up to experience, take care of yourself, try to learn from it, and maybe try to date men who are emotionally and physically available ( sometimes these men do seem to be so difficult to find) | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:29:07 AM | OMG, he has just text me and asked if i am ok. Is that out of concern for me or covering his back in case his wife finds out about me?
why don't you ask him.
then ask yourself why you would set yourself up for a no-win situation AT YOUR EMOTIONAL EXPENSE.
hint #1: "texting" is not a relationship
hint #2: get some pride, girl! | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:40:02 AM | Oh my, that is a head messing up, emotional rollar coaster ride situation. If you want to remain level headed, hang it up, walk away from it. If you want to be dangled on a string of being totally disrespected, mistreated, and etc......, stay on the ride. Your choice, not easy once your caught up in the middle of it all, but I would say the best decision for yourself.
Good Luck | |
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