| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:22:51 AM | | I have read the threads on which gender recovers faster after a break up, but I would like to know (maybe should post in the as a guy forum) how men, it seems, can just act like they are fine (when you know they can't be that quick). My ex and I ended a 13 month relationship (I am the glorious dumpee) last wednesday. Saturday night, he stayed out until 4 in the morning doing God knows what with only God knows who. A mutual friend informed me of this. Also, I have reason to believe he is already looking for a hook up. I just don't see how men (and some women too, but men are more famous for this) can go out and party and live it up if they have any bad feelins about the break up......I went out too Saturdady night....with a sweet, good looking nine-year old. Ice Age 3 is funny...and sparklers are fun too! | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:40:41 AM | Women tend to cry publicly and get support while men tend to tough it out and only deal with it in private. So generally men don't get over it as quickly, but they are less likely to display emotion about it. Women cry for three days straight and break a bunch of stuff and get past it.
However, sit with a guy going thru this after a few drinks he may cave and even cry to you over it.
Bottom line tho, is that the person who ends it usually goes thru detachment while still involved, and the other person doesn't start to grieve until the relationship ends, so it's never even unless both aren't really into it.
So for the person who ends it, they usually go thru an emotional separation from long before they say "we need to talk". It's not gender specific. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:58:13 AM | | Plus a guy will often do whatever he can to hook-up as a means to get over it as well. Does a disservice to the ladies as well as to other guys, but it is one of the coping mechanisms guys use. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:13:52 AM | By golly gee, I am normal then. All that has been said is true. Men look for diversions of many types, other women, drinking, work; and women ??, I don't know what they do, I think they look to their friends for justification of whatever it was that happened.
I would definitely NOT sit at home and dwell, well not for too long. Its too painful sometimes to re-hash all that has happened. I would try to learn from the experience and move on. I also have been on BOTH sides of that predicament. Your best bet to getting past any of that is to keep active and avoid the other person involved, forever if that's what it takes. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:22:03 AM | The dumper USUALLY is already getting over the relationship BEFORE they break up with the dumpee!
When I've dumped someone, I usually spend a while thinking about it before doing it... then, try to fix what I think is broken, with or without the help of "her." If it doesn't work out, then I'm done with it!
And when I've been the one dumped, it takes me 5 times longer to 'get over it' than it does when I'm the dumper!
That with the dynamic of emotional 'physics,' (there's less injury to be the 'hitter' than the one getting 'hit') is at play. The same amount of force is exchanged in the crash, but the dynamic is irrefutable! I think that is why people are so quick to jump out of a relationship, because they want to be the dumper NOT the dumpee!
So, its a catch-22: be the dumper... or be the one to try to make it work and be the dumpee! | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 12:08:24 PM |
I just don't see how men (and some women too, but men are more famous for this) can go out and party and live it up if they have any bad feelins about the break up
i can only speak for myself, but when i do that, i attempt to cause a greater pain on myself then then break up. to be obliterated physically hoping to sleep it off the next days. if im hurting emotionally, very few will know, and on the outside, everyone will think i'm handling it like a trooper, but deep down inside, im still hurt and trying to understand & heal myself. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 12:09:02 PM | Thanks everyone. I know that men do tend to show things different ways. He is a very indecisive person, and we have had periods of "space" that lasted for days, but never really broken up before. I am grieving right now, of course, which makes me mad with myself....becuase I don't know if he is or not. You know how that goes. However, we broke up becuase he still has doubts that we can make it and it is not fair to put me through the space thing.
Our last communication was a goodnight to each other several days ago. I am leaving him alone. Of course, as much as it hurts, I am also taking this time to evaluate if I want to try again. I do love him and I know that, but a person that indecisive might keep putting you through heck. So, anyway, it hurts, but I will be fine..... | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 12:38:10 PM | You should be aware ,that some men have little or no guilt when they "break-up " with their other half. And never want to be alone..so they quickly find something to be with. I have found that it"seems" that the women have more outward feelings . Hiding your emotions on private issuses appears to be the normal actions in the modern man.Years before the turn of this century ...women wanted males to be " aware of their emotional needs". Then they wanted males to be " ruff 'n' ready ". Now as I was told they are turning to secure and emotional . I'm to set-in my ways to be caught up each passing awareness group that "how it suppost to be " acts. You'll find out that men donnot act as you think they should. Each acts the way they were brought up,and with the people they grew-up with. What day is " Saturdady " ?
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 2:21:22 PM | Hi OP,
So you didn't like the way the relationship was going and decided to break up with him? The problem with that is you didn't want to break up, you wanted him to show you that he wanted to stay together. That is a very dangerous game to play. He called your bluff and is out having fun. How is the "game playing" working out for you??? | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:26:39 PM | | I must have misstated something. I was not the dumper, I was the dumpee. He is/was the game player....not me. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:11:57 PM | Soxfan: That sounded harsh, mean and judgmental. I think there is some baggage there. Gardener girl is looking for support- why kick her when she is down? How is that for you?
Gardener girl. I know what you mean. Men can compartmentalize in a way women don't. Also, they don't want to lean into the pain. I remember working in a palliative care unit and it was always the women who surrounded the dying person- the men were scarce. They have a hard time with emotionally painful situations and like to avoid it.
The man I recently split with is doing similar things. When we talk he chats on about his seemingly carefree days. He refuses to acknowledge any sadness, missing me, or regrets. So he just tells himself all is fine. Until I talk with him long enough to assess the reality.
it is hurtful to you that he seems so carefree and nonchalant. I've decided that if he can brush me off, I will not dwell in my pain for long. So I'm working hard to move on as quickly as he is. The key thing is that when I'm over him, I'm really over him and there won't be any going back. When he decides to process his pain, he may decide he wanted me after all. It'll be way too late and he would have waited far too long. I've been down this road before- and it usually goes this way. While they are playing who cares, we are working hard at moving on. And we do- and they don't.
Gardener girl. You'll be fine long before he is. you are dealing with it- he is avoiding it. You'll be better off in the end. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:29:37 PM | Thank you northern dreamer and most everyone for your kind responses. Thinking back on the relationship, we had several breaks, all initiated by him. Usually they would last a four or five days, maybe a week and then I would hear from him. And, some of these breaks were short lived break ups.
I talked to his best friend today. Of course, we talked about him but also had some business to discuss. His friend told me that he (x) had asked him (the friend) if he and I (the friend) had talked. So, his friend suggests that we don't talk anymore so he can tell him no. That is fine. What I don't understand is why did he (my x) even ask>>>?? Why does he care?? He is free of me....isn't that all that matters? We have now had five days of NC, so, I am leaving him alone. Why would he care if I have talked to others or not????? By the way, did I mention that he is wishy washy???? | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:10:05 PM | | I am new to site and thought I had to comment..please realize I am brutally honest. First off I love how you dumped him wednesday and are confused why he went out Saturday. It sounds like he wanted to be serious(13 months) and was probably hurt. Contrary to popular belief men have feelings. I personally would much rather party than sit at home crying or being a nuisance to friends(WHY did it happen mentality). As far as getting over a relationship men don't get over it faster and in my experiences she usually starts dating first. The question that you should answer is why am I worried about him after I ended the relationship? If you had a good time Saturday then good for you, but do you think you might be worried he had a better time? For me the hardest part about a relationship ending is when a woman says she is confused and needs space. That is what took me the longest to get over. It was after a 6-month relationship and I was very close to her family. I just told her I knew what I wanted and if she needed space after six months of going out 2 or 3 times a week that I wasn't going to call her, so if she didn't call me in a week I was moving on. It has been a couple of years and I don't have any feelings for her anymore......However if I ever run into her I would like to know what happened. The easy thing for me was assuming it was someone else in her life because that let me move on. Iguess I want to know because if it was something I did or said I don't want to do it again. | |
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| why does it seem that??
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:32:18 PM | For me it was quite easy to move on compared to my ex. Bother her and I were each others 1st relationship, lasting a tad over 4 years. I know she has it rough because we always got back together, for me, however, it was easier to move on. Reason being is that I put so much effort into trying to work things out, some very important things didn't change on her end, I got sick of it and broke it off.
We had some small breakups that would last a few days and one that lasted about a week. During those periods it was very difficult, but the final break up was not as difficult since I had been through it so many times. For her it just seemed like it was another break up and we'd get back and since it was for good this time, it's tougher for her to deal with. Like I said, for me, I took each break up seriously and thought it was the end so it hurt alot each time. I guess all those times it "prepared" me for it. | |
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