| Why do we women do this to ourselves? - Why Do We Hang on to them?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:20:21 PM | Why do we hang on to someone that we know in our heart really doesn't want us? You know the guy. The one who only contacts you once in awhile. The one who talks about the girl that he really fell for, but then dumped him for someone else. The one that you are just pretty darn sure is only out for a booty call, even though he says he's looking for more.
Oh, he might be looking for more, but just not with you. If he was, you would hear from him nearly every day. YOU would be the girl that he is falling hard for, and any other girl before you would just be a distant memory. He would take you out to dinner or a movie, not just invite you over to his place. He wouldn't give you an excuse about being busy, as the reason for not getting in touch with you, because if he really wanted to be with you, he would make the time.
So, knowing all this, why do I still hold on? Why am I not just telling him not to contact me anymore? Why do I keeping hoping that he will see how lucky he would be to have me, knowing that if he hasn't seen it already, he's not going to?
Why am I being so damn weak? | |
|
| |
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:28:10 PM | Don't worry it sometimes happens to us guys as well. I've had game players and a girl who just dithered and never made up her mind. Be resolute and move on. Someday you will find someone genuine.
-G. | |
|
| |
| That is...
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:28:45 PM |
I guess the fear you won't be able to find someone else. It's human nature to take the path of least resistance.
...exactly it.
The mistake isn't in doing it...the mistake is in believing it will ever be anymore than what it is.... | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:29:44 PM | | Dang.. good question.. the more aloof a guy is sometimes.. the more attracted some women are... I think its because we're people pleasers... and want to make everyone happy.... at our expense... | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:31:22 PM | It's not we women, I don't do that and I'm sure there's other women that don't.
Just because some women do it, well I know some men that do, too. At least one of my exboyfriends......so it's totally not a gender thing. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:31:57 PM | This exact thing happened to me late last year. I was certain this man was a match for me, and since I find they are so few and far between, I was expecting that he would see the light, and feel the same way about me. However, he was too busy being angry with the ex, and women in general...so he was unable to really see me. And of course, I guess he just wasn't that into me...lol. Sucks though. I think it happens to both men and women. You are not alone.
 | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:32:34 PM | Ladies a Yaaaaaaaaa Yaaaaaaaaaaaa! I will restrain Myself.
This might possibly be the first time ever...
Op, an older friend told me this once a long time ago...sometimes I even follow it...stop treating every relationship like it is the last one you are going to have. | |
|
| That is...
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:32:39 PM | | I think we figure that having something is better than having nothing and are afraid that if we end the "something" we may end up with "nothing". Sick, but that is the train of thought. We need to be more secure in ourselves, our self worth and be ok with the concept of being alone! | |
|
| That is...
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:36:48 PM | | We cannot change how they feel or make someone fall in love with us, but sometimes we just think they are going to wake up one morning and see that we are the best thing that ever happened to them. No more of that kind of man for me, if he does not think that he has found a prize in me without me having to try to convince him, I am not going to waste my time, effort, emotions,or loving heart on a man who does not deserve it. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:39:42 PM |
Why do we hang on to someone that we know in our heart really doesn't want us? You know the guy. The one who only contacts you once in awhile. The one who talks about the girl that he really fell for, but then dumped him for someone else. The one that you are just pretty darn sure is only out for a booty call, even though he says he's looking for more.
Because you're hoping and praying the someday he'll "see the light".
Sadly,though,it's not going to happen.
Maybe he would be the luckiest guy on earth to be with you,but unfortunately,he wants to look elsewhere.
Just gain the courage not to be his 'fallback' anymore.
I know this may hurt,but hanging onto to something that's not right is hurting you even more in the long run. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:44:41 PM | I'm not sure if it's a matter of being 'weak, Shebop.
And I'm also very sure it doesn't happen to women
it happens to all of us.
It could be that we are hoping for things to 'turn' the corner, if you will, or thinking that there is a set way another should feel about us, even if they don't....or, we just sometimes hook up with people that are either busy, blocked, or a bit of both.
or.....it could be what my neighbor Ben says....." Sometimes, half a loaf is better than no loaf"  haha.
One thing I learned a long time ago, is that people can only give as much as they can give, if we want or expect more, then that gets into the area of wanting to change things about that person. Bottom line, that's not gonna work. Oh..you can try it..go ahead...but save some heartache and running around the hamster wheel. It is what it is.
Either enjoy the time you have with this guy, or cut him loose.
It's not about anyone being 'bad' or wrong'....it's more of a situation out of balance...for you, or so it seems.
HelI, even if a person falls, and falls hard,really hard, man, for another, it doesn't always mean it's going to be reciprocal in all ways.
sorry to say, but in a case like this, you either go with the flow....or just go.
Kimbo | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:46:29 PM |
So, knowing all this, why do I still hold on?
It's called masochism born of a lack of self esteem. This story (and syndrome) is so old and tiresome it's got whiskers. | |
|
| Damn....
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:49:48 PM |
Op, an older friend told me this once a long time ago...sometimes I even follow it...stop treating every relationship like it is the last one you are going to have.
...that was some insightful shit. Seriously.
Wiser words never spoken... | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:54:59 PM | | shebop....you are allowed to have sex with a man and not fall in love with him and expect the relationship to be the "one". Give yourself the permission and be free of the social conditioning we receive growing up (some of us women) and you may be surprised how happy you can be just going with the flow of life instead of having a game plan. If he treats you well when you are together and you enjoy his company, why not just accept it for what it is while you keep your eyes open for the "one"? | |
|
| Damn....
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:00:32 PM |
I was certain this man was a match for me, and since I find they are so few and far between, I was expecting that he would see the light,
This is these types of women/men’s problem. You can’t force someone to love you. You can’t force someone to be attracted to you. Just because YOU think the two of you are perfect for each other doesn’t mean the other person thinks the same way. If they don’t come around to that same conclusion on their own and shortly after you have come to that conclusion, they’re not going to. Not in the near future anyways.
Oh, he might be looking for more, but just not with you
Because he obviously doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you do him.
You do this because your eyes are wide shut! You refuse to see reality and are living in a fairy tale where you think he will eventually come around to you and that will make all the b/s you’ve been putting up with worth it. Stop painting these guys with your “perfect guy paint” and see them for who they really are; a guy that is not into you that way.
You need to open your eyes and have some self respect. Don’t let guys treat you like this, their behavior certainly doesn’t deserve to be rewarded with sex so why are you sleeping with them? As you have said they are not showing you any of the signs of wanting to have a real relationship with you so why are you pursuing them? Are you scared there will be nobody else? Are you afraid of being alone? Get over those fears find happiness being who you are and don’t worry so much about finding that guy. | |
|
| WTF????
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:00:57 PM |
shebop....you are allowed to have sex with a man and not fall in love with him and expect the relationship to be the "one". Give yourself the permission and be free of the social conditioning we receive growing up (some of us women) and you may be surprised how happy you can be just going with the flow of life instead of having a game plan. If he treats you well when you are together and you enjoy his company, why not just accept it for what it is while you keep your eyes open for the "one"?
More rational, balanced thinking, isn't of man bashing? More "you are accountable for your happiness and what happens to you" logic?
Are you actually suggesting she can have sex without being in love...without making the guy wait three months...without a marriage proposal? That she not use her vagina as a bargaining chip, and instead simply enjoy something that is enjoyable while in pursuit of her ultimate goal?
They are gonna make you turn in your secret decoder ring too. In fact, you might end up tarred and feathered.
I wonder if this would have been labeled if self serving post if it had been writtne by me versus a woman? Hmmmm....... | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:00:59 PM | No, it's not a case of being afraid of not having someone. I'm actually dating quite a bit right now. I'm just afraid I'm not giving any of the other guys a fair shake since I can't get this guy out of my head.
And to the one who said it's about low self-esteem. It definitely is not that.
If it were either scenerio where I was afraid to be alone, or not happy with myself, I could understand the hanging on. But because neither is the case, I'm really stymied as to why I can't just forget him.
Hell, maybe it's just the sex...... | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:02:42 PM | I love this answer.
'The One' doesn't come with disappointment.
They come with understanding. You will know and you will not doubt.
It will not make you feel 'weak' but strong even if you have little time together.
You aren't missing much if you are feeling so bad. Atleast hold on to the hope that you haven't missed him yet ...
Also, I find, the conditioning we put ourselves through, after the conditioning we receive during our growth period, prevents us from being able to look at things and appreciate them as they come. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:04:43 PM | Trust me, I have none of the "OMG we had sex, it must be love" BS going on.
I grew out of that fairy tale a looooooong time ago. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:09:42 PM | If it's just the sex that would kind of make sense, it's perfectly normal to fall in love with sex with a certain someone. Maybe he's at the top of the attractive scale, maybe he's just a stud and is making you feel things you've never felt before. Physically speaking of course.
If you want to get over him, look for the undesirable traits and concentrate on those, get mad at how he uses you, how he lies to you, and use that energy to create a different mental impression of him. It sounds like a negative impression of him might be a little closer to the truth than the one you currently have.
Figure out how to make yourself feel as good as he does, then you don't need any man ever again. Imagine a world where you don't need a guy. That leaves you looking because you want one, and not need one, you will see things very differently from that perspective. | |
|
| WTF????
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:09:48 PM | well emlamNsea, they can have my secret decoder ring cause it never worked if the purpose of that damned ring was to help me decode men. Tarring and feathering? Might have worried me before I turned 40 but now I see life much differently then I did when I was in my 20's.
What men need to realize it that some of us women were raised on fairly tales of Prince Charming and the happily ever stories (which I refuse to read to my own daughter) and then we are told that "good girls don't" and things like "If you give the candy for free, they will never buy the store".....is it any wonder that some women have unhealthy attitudes about men and relationships, really?
What women need to realize (and many have) is that we don't "need" a man to "complete us", that it is perfectly ok to be complete without one and "want" a man to share our lives with.....
Here is the million dollar question though.....do men understand that or do they need us to need them more than they want us to want them? | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:10:03 PM | Many many years ago ..
I didn't know Then what I know Now. I Know I am better than 'that', I deserve better than that. When You love yourself you don't let people treat you like 'that'..
And a sweet little old lady told me: "No Company is better .. than - bad company".
Get to know You. Decide what sort of Man you want and Never settle for less.
Promise yourself .. dig your heels in .. Love Yourself.
and good luck | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:15:52 PM |
Trust me, I have none of the "OMG we had sex, it must be love" BS going on.
I grew out of that fairy tale a looooooong time ago.
Ah, a fellow enlightened woman. So if that is not what is going on and you are indeed falling for this man and he is not returning your affections....you already know what you should do....so just do it. It will hurt (usually does) but the alternative as you well know is so much harder to get over. Why do we do it to ourselves? Simply really, even though we think we have completely gotten over that "OMG we had sex, I must love you thing", deep inside somewhere those "dreams" of happily ever after still exist with us....perhaps they always will and will need to be managed.
You can't "make" anyone love you or see the value of you...they either feel it or they don't. You deserve to be happy and only YOU are in control of your happiness. Love yourself enough not to allow yourself to be hurt by your lack of action here. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with him.....that certain "spark" that is necessary just isn't there...that is life in all its glory and misery. You are just experiencing a bit of the misery part....the glory will come. | |
|
Home
login 
