| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:28:41 PM | I'm sure this thread has been asked before, I searched for it and can not find it. I really need some opinions here. I have been dating a man close to a year. The relationship is good for the most part, other than we have had some rocky issues due to a stalker ex-girlfriend of his that has created some real turmoil. Here is my issue, he keeps getting on POF. I have my profile hidden, and while I haven't taken it down, I am not communicating with anyone. He discovered that I knew he was getting on, and blocked me! Through another friend I know that he is still on here sometimes several times daily. He swears up and down that he is only talking to people on a friendship basis, that he doesn't have time to add anyone else to his life, etc. But am I being played the fool here? I can't help but feel like he is still looking and will drop me the very moment he finds someone he likes better. He swears that is not the case and that I am creating "drama" by bringing it up!
I have mixed feelings. I don't want to be untrusting of him, I too have male friends that are purely platonic, but I am not searching them out on a dating site either!!!
I need some genuine feedback. Am I sitting around, keeping my life on hold for this man while he searches for someone he likes better?
I would really appreciate your opinions. Even if you do want to call me niave'!
Thanks in advance! | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:31:33 PM | | Trust.... maybe he is only chatting with friends... if thats the truth.. he'll let you view his profile history... if he has nothing to hide... but then you should offer the same to him.. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:42:29 PM |
rocky issues
stalker ex-girlfriend of his
some real turmoil
continues to get on POF
he is still looking
creating "drama"
mixed feelings
on a dating site
sitting around, keeping my life on hold
he searches for someone he likes better Why him? | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:45:52 PM | | He has issues about being dishonest. He blocked you for a reason, so that you cant contact him on here. If he was truly into you and the relationship he wouldn't have blocked you and made the comment about bringing up drama. This relationship sounds as though its going sour hon, sorry. | |
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| Red flags....
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:46:28 PM | The relationship is good for the most part, other than we have had some rocky issues due to a stalker ex-girlfriend of his that has created some real turmoil.
You are telling yourself this isn't his fault, and...literally speaking, it isn't. But *I* would be concerned about anyone who couldn't put an end to ex drama in a year. I'd be concerned about the type of people they chose to have relationships with, I'd be concerned about the things that took place in that relationship that the other person seemed unable to move on, I'd be concerned about what was taking place now to keep that other person emotionally engaged.
And I'd be concerned about why I didn't think I deserved a normal, healthy drama free relationship.
I have my profile hidden, and while I haven't taken it down,
Not only have you not taken it down, you haven't even reworded it. What are you waiting for? Clearly it isn't upi so that you can participate in the forums.
And no...I am not saying you are cheating...I am saying you subconscious knows what you are in now isn't enduring. And it also knows you are hoping to get out of it...which is why that rose you sent out is missing. In the last 30 days you wanted SOMEONE to know they were special in some way....perhaps the one person whose favorite list you appear on?
I am not communicating with anyone.
Yes you are, but I believe that you are not cheating.
He discovered that I knew he was getting on, and blocked me!
Red Flag. BIG ONE. If his intentions are innocent, why would he have a problem with you communicating with him here?
But am I being played the fool here?
You know the answer to this. Again, the much bigger question is why do you think you deserve no better?
I can't help but feel like he is still looking and will drop me the very moment he finds someone he likes better.
He will. And don't bother confronting him on this, because he will just shut down that profile and put up a new one, and be more vigilante.
He swears that is not the case and that I am creating "drama" by bringing it up!
And you KNOW what this is. You have a Bachelors Degree. You probably sat in a Psych 101 class somewhere, sometime. You KNOW what this behavior is.
I need some genuine feedback. Am I sitting around, keeping my life on hold for this man while he searches for someone he likes better?
Yes, yes you are. But you knew that.
Even if you do want to call me niave'!
You WISH you were naive....then you wouldn't be accountable for you actions, because you wouldn't know better.
No, you know better....you have said it yourself.
And you know what is going on...you are just in denial.
Again..the question here isn't what is going on.....everybody reading this, everyone in your life aware of this...knows what is going on.
The real question is...why are you enduring it?
ETA: I just notice you started this profile a month ago. Opened a profile...and then hid it...all in a month?
You both are full of shit...
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| Stop the presses...
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:47:53 PM |
Why him?
...I agree with Landra...
Which means I better rethink my advice.... | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:52:16 PM | You haven't really given us enough info to even speculate what is happening. Is this someone you see frequently or someone that you communicate with more by telephone and emails than face to face contact? Do you live near enough that spontaneous visiting isn't a problem? Did you meet him on a dating site. Do you know for a fact the ex-gf is an ex?
There could be so many things going on, it difficult to come up with a single scenario. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:16:12 PM | | I think you are a fool. No insult intended but I believe anybody who has double standards to be a fool. You are here and so is he, you can have platonic friends but you can't trust him to have platonic friends, you keep in contact with platonic friends on a dating site, but he is b/s'ing you because he is keeping in contact with platonic friends on a dating site. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:54:14 PM | | Let him go, you obviously are all up in his business about things you don't like about him, you certainly don't trust him and even have friends checking on him for you...really, move on, this man is not for you, you will never be happy with him. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:05:54 PM | It sounds to me like you both are still into playing games. Your snooping on him behind his back, he's doing what ever it is that requires hiding.
IMO You both deserve one another or its just a temporary relationship that will end of its own volition. Either way it doesnt sound fun.
Good luck. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:40:21 PM | | You both should have removed your profiles once you got involved seriously. Personally, I'd not tolerate his behaviour. I'd speak to him about it and express my feelings how uncomfortable I felt about him being on here and cheating. If he refused to stop I'd dump him. Plenty of other fish in the sea. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:22:06 PM | | I am not typically one to check up on someone I am dating. I got an email on here from an old friend, checked it and was shocked to see he was on here. That is when I started looking from time to time and every time I did, he was there. I have deleted most of my profile, including removing my photos, which I did when we started dating. He was the one who started saying in the beginning that he wanted to date exclusively. So, not only did I minimize my profile,, I also hid it. I have tried to tell him several times that it bothers me that he is still getting on here and his response is to get angry and then he blocked me. He claims that since his ex stalked him he doesn't want anyone else checking up on him. I swear that is not my intention, but I also don't want to sit around with my life on hold for him, all while he is looking to find someone else. I guess I am just trying to understand is it considered acceptable to continue to pursue friendships with the opposite sex on a dating site if you are in an exclusive relationship or not? I'm trying to not be jealous and possessive, but not niave either! | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:32:18 PM | ^^^^ OMG YES! In your relationship, as long as you have your profile (hidden or not) you are saying it is acceptable.
How is he to know you are not keeping in contact with someone you really like but isn't available at the moment. He could be thinking that woman is just sticking around until this other person; probably one of her "platonic friends" is available, so I might as well get some "platonic friends" waiting in the wings for when she dumps me and trades up.
Your making it all about him, but it's just as much, if not more, about you and your actions, which I see as no different than his.
What I would find extremely hilarious is if you both end up dumping each other because you both suspect each other of looking around, yet you were both just keeping in contact with platonic friends. POF is not the only medium to keep in contact with old friends, it is a dating site. If both of you are on it you're both not done dating (and I"m not talking about dating each other)
Hows that for putting the shoe on the other foot? | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:45:28 PM | | You KNOW what your gut is telling you. You KNOW what the right thing is to do. Dump him.....NOW......unless you like drama in your life, savor being shown no respect, and enjoy being played for a fool. Then by all means.....Stay. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:56:50 PM | Hit him with this:
NOW, that I know that you are still on the POF site, ARE we EXCLUSIVE or NOT.
IF, he cannot give ya a STRAIGHT ANSWER, then DUMP his SORRY A S S, and move on.
Besides, what is he, still doing on there, when he has got YOU.
Unfotunately, ya have to take a HARD CORE line, sometimes. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:07:06 PM | | Sorry, but if he's just chatting "as friends," why did he need to block you?? and he's a real dummy if he thinks that blocking you is an effective way to know if he's here or not...all you have to do is do a search without logging in. You won't be blocked from seeing him if you aren't logged into your account. | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:11:24 PM |
I have tried to tell him several times that it bothers me that he is still getting on here and his response is to get angry and then he blocked me.
Are you women this goofy? They're playing you. If my woman told me still being on POF bothered her while we where in a monogamous relationship I'd drop the profile and maybe even have a deletion party where we delete them together. Is the self-esteem that low. Hate me all you want for telling you the truth but at least act on the truth.
The anger is because they're scouting other babes and don't want you to know. They're playing you and you're letting them and it's obvious you're being played. Both you and the OP need to find some self esteem and get real men who respect their women.
And women wonder why there's no good men? Because you guy love the bad one so much why waste the time being a good guy. Look how you cling on to these men who're actively telling you "no we'll scout babe even though we're with you." And you actually believe they're NOT doing anything. Sad.
-Nate | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:32:51 PM | msg.1
Trust is earned not bestowed. That may be both the OPs and "the lovers" problem. If one, the other, or both are doing nothing to earn that trust and keep it in good stead, is there any wonder why the relationship may be disintegrating?
My advice is simple:
If the trust is not there, and the other person is not interested in keeping that trust in good stead, then it is overdue to say good-by.
Human relationships are not unconditional. If one, the other, or the many, refuse to accept the conditions that make any relationship possible with that individual, then that person will not have one. Nor should they realistically be expected to have one, with another person, a group of people, or many groups of people, when none operate within that framework of "a happy romance", "love", "friendship", etc. That that individual understands as being proveably positive.
9to9 | |
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| Boyfriend continues to get on POF behind my back??
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:48:27 PM | Hey OP... you want him off POF?
Delete your profile first.
How the heck are finding out he's on if you aren't?
So its OK for you to play on POF, but not for him?
How do you spell that?
H
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