| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:33:29 AM | I am so brokenhearted I can't think, eat, sleep or do anything, i feel like a zombie...
When we met she was so in-love with me and moved in almost straight away, and for 5 years we've spent every day of our lives together... Unfortunately she had an anger problem but I always stuck bye her and put the pieces back together.
Well on Thursday she was blatantly not very happy so i surprised her with a weekend away that involved all her favourite things, like a motorbike ride, picnic with her favorate foods, hotel and an all night ghost hunt (she's into that). Anyway we drove to the place (about 200 miles) and sat down for our picnic and she just said turn around, i dont want you anymore...
The drive back was the worst few hours of my life, i could not stop crying (week i no)..
Then she told me she is chatting to a bloke on here and he seemed really nice and she was going to meet him (this is like 2 days after).. But she didn't in the end because she said after speaking to him he reminded her of me...
The thing is we always had this massive thing where i trusted her and she trusted me and we both new non of us would ever cheat on the other...
It's now been 4 or 5 days and it just don't seem to get any better, i'm so heartbroken i can't put it into words. . . I love her with all that i am and i would do absolutly anything for her but she just isn't interested...
She was my first proper love and my first proper relationship, I don't know what to do to get me out of this black hole I feel i'm in... | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:54:10 AM | I hate it for you dude. I hear and feel your pain. The pain can be and is unbearable. I feel like I am going to vomit every time I think of my breakup.
If she has a real issue with anger then there is a very good chance she was abused or hurt very badly. She may not even remember when it was, it could have been when she was a small child. You probably know better than I do. No matter what you did you would not be able to fix that for her. She has to do her own healing. So, even though you were loving and tried to make her happy, it was not what she needed. She may not even know what she needs to stop her anger/hurt issues.
Looking to other people to make us feel better is common. She was probably looking around because you weren't meeting her needs and she thought someone else might be able to. She is trying to fill a void or mask a wound.
Your hear is very broken right now. That sucks beyond compare. Try to remember it was not all your fault that she left. Do whatever it takes to remain sane. Try not to drink or get high, instead choose to sleep more, and blog here on the forums. Stay connected to peeps who don't mind hearing your story over and over again, cause it takes a lots to work through a major loss like this.
Take care, Dude. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:25:34 AM | I am sorry for you too. I am also heartbroken and don't want to hear "just get over it"....If it were that easy, wouldn't I wave my magic wand. I came a across a saying yesterday that I think is spot on....
HE WHO CARES THE LEAST CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP
It was certainly true in the relationship that I am just leaving. I tried so hard to work on what I needed to, but he was not willing. To qoute him, "relationships shouldnt be this hard" It would not have been with just a little effort from him. Anyway, I also can not sleep well and am not eating well.....but, I have a feeling he wil regret his decision.....And yours probably will too..... | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:28:38 AM | | AMEN to that brothers and sister. lol I hate the "Just get over it" or better yet "go **** some random girl that will make you happy"... Some people don't live with a heart it seems. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:50:47 AM | That is why I am glad for this forum. People who are brokenhearted understand each other better. I know I will get passed all this but right now as I am in the grieving process. (mostly grieving because I have lost my sense of being right all the time and that my marriage ended because I was a jerk). Anyway, this is when you find out who your real friends are. People who I thought were good friends "head for the hills" if I start talking about what a hard time I am having. They don't know how to act around someone in this much pain. It is very scary. I liken it to when someone tells you they have cancer. I never know what to say to them. It all seems so meaningless.
It's a hard and lonely time for us, fellow posters. I hope all of us can get past this pain soon. I intend to blog until I am exhausted. I will cry if I have to and then sleep and then make myself take a shower and go for a walk. Good luck, friends. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:40:03 AM | OP, You will get over it one of two ways. Finding a new love that does love you as much or more.
The second way is time-in about 40 years. I had the same situation except there was no other guy-it was a wman. My ex long term companion was a lesbian!
Hookers, Thailand and other places where the dollar speaks and men are still king and it is not in this wimply country. The future is Latin America. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:22:52 PM | Thank you so much for replying, it makes things easier knowing i'm not alone...
She was in an abusive relationship about a year before she met me.. She always said that I was the man of her dreams and that she's so lucky to have me...
I sort of feel like i've just taken 5 years of abuse, (she's punched me, tried to beat me with a crow bar etc..) only to be tossed away when it suited her... | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:29:30 PM | | OP, The abuse has been passed on to you. You are terribly hurt and my end up being very angry and untrusting in your future relationships. Please do what it takes to get through this in a healthy manner so you can have a bright future and not continue the pattern!! | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 3:35:00 PM | | I hear ya man. Me and my ex were just about to start living together and talking about start trying for her to get pregnant and then nothing. She did it over the phone. It's been 2 months and has new bf already(2 weeks after we broke up). I still can't eat, sleep very well. I've been to hospital for depression, seen counselor. Doesn't get any easier. Nothing that anyone can say or do will make you feel better. But this did help me a little. You are not alone man. Just keep telling yourself that. Go check out my post. Titled "Get over her and everything" in the broken hearted section. Might make you feel little better. Hope you and I both do. Good luck! | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:07:13 PM | OP, in 5 days, what do you expect? Really now.........
C'mon people, NO MAN OR WOMAN is worth this kind of pain......if they hurt you that badly they are not worth feeling terrible over.....
and...a crow bar? Are you kidding me?
You're safe now dude.....and no crowbar sticking out of your head...... | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:00:40 PM | Anybody man or woman who goes in a relationship right after they leave a long term relationship is on the rebound.
Rebound relationships seldom last, they're usually over with in a month, 2 maybe 3 months tops, then after it's over they may try to come back to you.
You see your ex is not over you & by getting into a new relationship she's just putting a band aid over the pain she feels, she has not had time to heal so after about 2 weeks when the excitement of the new relationship wears off and reality sets in she'll start comparing the new guy to you to see if he measures up or she'll be going on about you and he'll get sick of hearing about you, thens there's another senario where the honeymoon faze is over and she'll be wondering what she's doing with the new guy.
I've seen this happen often with friends.As for me my girlfriend of 4 1/2 yrs left me 3 weeks ago, the break up turned into a big fight because an old male friend who just got divirced started to call her, anyway I grabbed her cell & told him to get lost, she then came in the room & kicked me out of the house Hmm ...before I made the call all she wanted to do was scale back the relationship a bit ( she's going through a bad time with weight gain and menopause, anti-depressants and low libido) anyway she kicked me out of her house and we haven't spoken to each other in this time. I think she's trying to create distance between us , I think this guy hanging around will be short lived & I'll probably hear from her by the 6 week mark. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:55:12 PM | If you want her back stop being so friggin' nice. She wants you to be real. She wants to learn how to deal with her anger, not to have you pooh-pooh it away.
Get mad! Let her know you care and tell her to EF off!! Tell her the truth. You put your love, time and trust in her and she royally screwed you! Fight fire with fire. Show her some passion.
Girls LIKE to change . . . yeah, you guys don't get it. We are never good enough, even when we act like we are. If you don't tell us what's wrong with us, we'll find some jack ass that will. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/9/2009 1:58:53 AM | James,
I read your profile and it said your age is 24 - When the two of you met, you met at 19 - I know this may not seem relevant now - but that is still so young to know what you really want, as well as most people in that age span, not to say if you wait 5 more years there'll be any guarantees with that. Words of wisdom - try to figure out what you learned about yourself in the relationship you had with her. What were the red flags that might have gotten missed? If anyone knew her - that'd be you - but I'm guessing she may have emotional attachment issues - it's common for kids who had some major dysfunction in their family such as drug issues, foster care kids, etc. Sometimes when a person has a dysfunctional relationship in their prior family - they will transfer that dysfunctional relationship to the person they become intimate with. Figuring some of that stuff out, will hopefully put you on the right road to the relationship you thought you had. The one hard lesson in my own life I've learned, is that you can't change people - you can change you (that a person has control over). Redefine yourself, remember the things that you enjoyed prior to your relationship with her and pursue them. Once you regain your balance, maybe you'd be interested in going into human services e.g. counseling or whatever. Things will get easier as time passes. Remember, as painful as it is, what you're feeling like now - and don't go back. I hope this helps! Good luck to you, and the woman you do end up with one day will be very lucky!
Sue | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:25:23 AM | I really feel for you, James, but anything anyone says to you right now is going sound trite and not really help you feel any better.
I think you have to keep busy, watch what you eat, get plenty of exercise and spend as much time as you can amongst good friends.
You're a good looking young man and I imagine you've got a lot going for you, so hang on in there and know that things will improve - but it'll take time.
ETA: If you really feel that things are getting too much for you, don't be too proud to see your GP and get a bit of help from him. Even the strongest of people need a bit of support once in a while, and it's a sign of strength to recognise this. Take care. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:36:06 AM | | After reading your blog, I do feel sorry for you. Take it from a 52 year old lady, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak. You are a very handsome young man, and I am sure there are plenty of ladies out there who would love to meet you. I know it does not feel like it now, but the pain does get better. Good Luck | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:14:33 AM | Try 14 years of living together, engaged. Wasn't going to marry me until he could support me. Well you guessed, when he could he left. He couldn't even face me...did it thru " e-mail". Thats been 5 years this Aug. Now I am on this site and one other. MOST men that should be interested are looking at women between the ages of 25 and 38...I mention this for you have time(age) to make a right choice in finding someone.
I didn't even join a site til I felt confident that I could leave that relationship mentally and be fair with feelings toward another. I do recommend moving with activities, sports, work, friends..until you heal. Be fair to others and TRUE to yourself. Broken trust, self doubt is overwhelming you don't recover over night. When the blinders of love fade you are able to see flaws that were there, but love shadowed. May you find peace within your heart. Be gentle with yourself. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/9/2009 1:14:02 PM | | James I want to help u and in order to do that I have to be a bit harsh but only for your own good. It sounds like u were a pushover and she has such a strong personality that she ended up running u over. She needs a very assertive person and u need a girl who will appreciate all that you have to offer. You are a good guy and her leaving gives a chance to meet the right girl. Pick yourself up and go out it is her loss. She was NOT the one and u are going to miss mrs. Right crying over mrs. Wrong | |
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SuziC
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Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 19 | |
| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/9/2009 1:36:47 PM | I completely understand how you are feeling. I was living with my boyfriend for almost five years and a month ago he says "it's not me, it's him". That we love each other but aren't "in love" and he wants to see if it will work with this girl at work that looks at him better than I do.
I barely eat, sleep, and am having a hard time concentrating at work. But I'm starting to feel like some day I will feel better, a little at a time. Just keep busy and work on making yourself happy not her.
And it sound anyway like she needs to work on her anger problem, you shouldn't be around someone who hurts you like that, woman or man. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:25:29 AM | Thanks for all your kind words, they really have helped me... I've come to the realisation that if she didn't treat me how i was supposed to be treated then she never deserved me anyway...
I am so exited about meeting someone who will treat me well and love me, and although it is still hurting I am finding that life hasn't stopped, the world keeps moving and I no my special someone is out there somewhere waiting to meet me...
I find the hardest time is in the mornings when I wake up, so I am making a habbit of getting straight up, having a nice soak in the bath and keeping busy to keep my mind off of it..
I hope that everyone here one day finds their special person and my heart goes out to all of you who are feeling like I am. As i no that together we are stronger and if there is anyone who would like to chat to me I am always here to speak...
xx | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/10/2009 2:52:36 PM | | I got in rebound relationship that lasted 7 years he supported me for the first 5 years and my kids but i did everything for him i shaved him i bathed him i cooked cleaned took him lunch drove him around when he got drunk picked him up from the bar when i started working and asserted my independence he left and found someone else to replace me in 2 days havent seen or talked to him in 9 months still having problems dealing with it all | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/11/2009 8:37:16 PM | | Wow, I could've written this myself....After almost 5 yrs of living with someone I am in the same boat. I did everything I could to make him happy, from cleaning , to presents, to making sure he had the best sex as often as he wanted. He to had an anger problem (and a drug problem I might add). ( and further add that I DON'T do drugs ).and my world was sometimes a nightmare, worrying how far his anger would get out of control. Twice he beat me bad enough I had facial fractures and concussions.....yet because he went to counciling I thought he must be trying and stood by him...only to have it happen again. Recently he got clean and stayed that way for nearly two months...and then announced maybe we needed to go our separate ways. He took me out ONCE in 5 years. yet has taken his new dates to the best places in town and is at a concert now. The pain does get better...I cried for 3 weeks..and still have my moments. We are still "friends" ..which amazingly is what he told everyone we were the whole 5 yrs I was with him. He has fallen off the wagon a few times...and on the 4th of July called me to come over...which I did..and spent the night like old times...HOWEVER..I realize I dont want to be used by him anymore..and although it still hurts that he treats someone else so nice..I deserve better....and so do you. I am starting to be able to actually think of dating again..and the pain is closer to being gone. Hang in there. | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:38:11 PM | | i agree! It's a cliche but you really can't love someone else until u love yourself! Someone with anger issues may have been mistreated or it may be learned behavior. If you are a broken person every relationship u have is broken. ( It's called co-dependant when you want to try and fix someone else or make their life better) so pick yourself up by spending time with friends and family who care about and support you and next time you meet someone make sure before u fall, that they are emotionally healthy and ready to love you as you deserve to be loved! | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:28:59 AM | Just wanted to thank everyone again for your help, and also if anyone is going through what i did, then please no that It's been a month and a half now and i already feel really positive...
I have met an amazing new girl off POF and i look at her and can honestly say that I think I will be much much happier with her than I ever was with my ex...
I want everyone to no that it isn't as hard as you think it will be, and things really really do get better.. I only say this because people would always say that to me and I didn't really believe it, but they are right, you get over it...
Anyway just wanted to thank everyone... | |
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| almost 5 years living together now she's just gone!
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:24:17 AM | readyornot57,
Glad to hear that you're moving on. I just wanted to say; consider yourself lucky to have gotten out of the relationship with your ex (anger problem girl). I can guarantee you it wouldn't have gotten any better...it would only have gotten worse.
My ex had the same issues (apparently abused growing up, raging temper over the most trivial things, extremely verbally abusive towards me, almost all the time in the presence of my son). I saw this behavior early in the relationship, before we married...I thought I could help her with it...big mistake. What I learned is that you can only be responsible for yourself...your behaviors and reactions...you cannot help anyone else with their problems...they have to want to do that themselves...and most with these issues do not want to.
For the love of God DO NOT get back together with your ex under any circumstance. Hopefully she meets some else soon and gets you off her radar.
Learn from the experience =) | |
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