| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:18:34 PM | I started seeing a guy from here, that I thought was my match. From our first date, we were together every day/night, then one day, the brakes are on, so for a week or so, we just talked on the phone and didn't see each other. Then it goes back to the spending alot of time together, then again the breaks come one. You're too much into partying, we are in a different place. So, we're back to talking on the phone, seeing each other once in a while, then we're back to a good place...had one of the best weekends together we'd had, just really had a good time, he even ordered lingerie for me. I go away on business for a week, we stay in touch. The day before I come home, I get a text message, looking forward to seeing you, going to the market, gonna get what you like. Twenty four hours later, I get a phone call, when I'm 1,000 miles away, and get the you know...I've been thinking, I think we are in two different places, I just don't feel about you the way you do about me. I'm really sorry baby, I was going to wait until you got home, but just thought I'd do it.
At this point I'm going WTF...I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you. This is a two-two and half month period. My question is, what did I do wrong...he claims I did nothing, wants to be friends and still talk. Do you guys just say that stuff to ease your conscience? To this day, I still have no idea what went wrong, what I did, nothing. For those of you that want a LTR, and no head games....why don't you practice what you preach. Now I'm dealing with a broken heart and he's having a hoot. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:22:31 PM | | You did nothing wrong. He just decided that a LTR with you isn't what he wanted. It happens and there's not much you can do about it. Be thankful that you didn't waste any more of your time. Sometimes it just works out this way. It may suck but that's just part of life. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:26:27 PM | You didn't do anything wrong.
He's not willing to commit. It's entirely likely that a week from now he'll change his mind again.
Some people just don't have a clue about how to have a real relationship. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:30:12 PM |
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
You listened to his words and did not pay attention to his actions.
From our first date, we were together every day/night,
Insta-macy (instant intimacy) is NOT the stuff that relationships are made of. At that point, the two people are just riding on the euphoria of a "new" person. They are not getting to know each other or building a relationship.
I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you.
You know for the life of me what I don't understand is why certain people get into a relationship with this type of thinking: It is a very codependent way of thinking, that you're going to "get" this guy by doing all the right things.
A relationship is supposed to be a coming together of two individuals who share common interests; who are totally being themselves and are not playing up to try to get something from the other person.You thought you could be good enough, nice enough and act in the best way to "get him" and "prove to him" that you wanted him rather than just being yourself. You put the focus on trying to get him rather than focusing on figuring out whether YOU wanted him.
You let him dictate how the relationship would proceed, the brakes on, brakes off tells me you were waiting for him to tell you if he wanted you and everytime he came back you took him back.
What you've described sounds more like a man who was interested in having a good time than building a relationship.
You know, it's what he DOES that matters. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:33:18 PM | | How do you know that men say LTR and don't mean it? Because of one guy? So does that mean if one woman lies about their weight all of you are? The guy wants a LTR, just not with you, get over it. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:58:55 PM | | I appreciate everyone's input, thank you. Perhaps I should clarify. He made it very clear to me that he wanted the LTR with me. He wanted to have my parents over for dinner and told them he was falling in love with their daughter. I just don't understand how in 24 hours something can change so drastically. Please...someone explain that to me. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:02:11 PM |
WHAT DID I DO WRONG? You listened to his words and did not pay attention to his actions. From our first date, we were together every day/night, Insta-macy (instant intimacy) is NOT the stuff that relationships are made of. At that point, the two people are just riding on the euphoria of a "new" person. They are not getting to know each other or building a relationship. I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you. You know for the life of me what I don't understand is why certain people get into a relationship with this type of thinking: It is a very codependent way of thinking, that you're going to "get" this guy by doing all the right things. A relationship is supposed to be a coming together of two individuals who share common interests; who are totally being themselves and are not playing up to try to get something from the other person.You thought you could be good enough, nice enough and act in the best way to "get him" and "prove to him" that you wanted him rather than just being yourself. You put the focus on trying to get him rather than focusing on figuring out whether YOU wanted him. You let him dictate how the relationship would proceed, the brakes on, brakes off tells me you were waiting for him to tell you if he wanted you and everytime he came back you took him back. What you've described sounds more like a man who was interested in having a good time than building a relationship. You know, it's what he DOES that matters.
This is all Ameera's post and there is nothing I could say any better. Keep rereading it because this says it all. Brilliantly written, Ameera. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:43:24 PM | "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?" you asked.
To which you answered yourself: " I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you".
You thought that if you bent over backwards for him in two and half months that he was going to reciprocate by saying that he would want to be with you for the rest of your life?
I have always said that men will not appreciate what they do not work hard for. You did everything he wanted you to do, he had POWER OVER YOU. You made everything too easy for him and he didn't see you as too much of a challenge for him. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:49:46 PM | "Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?"
Maybe he meant it, but not with you. Is it possible he just wasn't that into you? He basically said so, and all the jumping through hoops in the world won't change that. Not every guy that you fall for is going to have the same strong feelings for you.
"He made it very clear to me that he wanted the LTR with me."
Some times people will try to force things. They will say things and mean them, but as time goes by reality hits and they just can't follow through. It sounds like he gave it a go, but it just wasn't working. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:07:08 PM | You aren't doing anything wrong. I think the goofball you were all hot and heavy for, wasn't being honest with you and himself. I am suspicious about his off/on behavior and I suspect he's married and/or just using you. Of course the other possibility is he just got cold feet about being in a relationship or even committing to one person.
The next time, be emphatic about what and who you are looking for, and make the next guy realize you aren't in the mood to put up with b/s. That if he doesn't know what he truly wants, it's best to come clean now, and that it's ok, before you and his heart and both of your emotions get trampled. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:17:35 PM |
At this point I'm going WTF...I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you.
That should have been a red flag. Someone who loves you does not make you jump through hoops. And even if you, yourself started doing it, they will stop you.
Also some men will purposely excite a woman emotionally because then it's easier to push her buttons.
For those of you that want a LTR, and no head games....why don't you practice what you preach.
I can ask you the same! Why didn't you stop yourself, and said, "Enough is enough"?
Just because some plays music, it does not mean you must dance.
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
You didn't tell him to f*ck off. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:03:16 PM | I don't think you did anything wrong.
Some relationships start out fast and are sustainable. Some relationships start off slow and end up fizzling anyway.
The man was either dishonest or mistaken about his willingness to commit. You did nothing wrong by actually believing him.
However, you might want to own up to the fact that you saw some signs early in relationship that things weren't up to par. Whenever people are on then off again, hot then cold, available and then invisible it usually means they're unsure about some things - they are ambivalent.
You chose to focus on the good times rather than times he left you high and dry. Don't focus on the good times, don't focus on the bad times, focus on BOTH. Keep your eyes open. Accept the good and the bad so you can see clearly and stay grounded in reality.
Peace. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:07:49 PM | OP, part of dating is to discover it two people "fit". Through a process of dating, two people get to know each other, at ever deeper levels, and more often than not, discover some reason that they aren't compatible for the long term, in ways that weren't evident, when they began.
A man can be totally honesst in saying he wants long term, but that doesn't mean that he'll want to be long term with you, once he gets a better sense of how you and he "fit".
How often does it happen, that the first "fight" is a deal breaker? You don't know what someone's like, until you see her, when something goes wrong.
And nothing has to go wrong, and you can do all that's asked of you, but he can still feel, in time, that you just aren't "the one". It's all part of the dating process. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:08:25 PM | | Thank you. I've heard alot of differnt opinion, and have considered them all. I don't know what to think. I wanted to make it work so bad. The kicker was when he told my parents he was falling in love with me. Was that the booze talking? I'd like to think not, but hmmmmmm. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:16:42 PM |
I just don't understand how in 24 hours something can change so drastically. Please...someone explain that to me.
This is just a long shot, but what you write, resonates with some of my experience. Look up BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). They can change from intense wanting you to indifference in a day, leaving you totally bewildered. And you, my dear, sound like the perfect candidate for a BPD - a tad codependant.
If I'm right, feel blessed that it was only two and a half months out of your psyche.
A word to the wise - go slow and do not trust those who will love you instantly before they truly know you. Like, who are they loving? Not you. They are loving a figment of their own imagination. | |
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| You assumed...
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:24:40 PM |
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
...that his saying he wanted a LTR meant he wanted a LTR with you.
As someone else already said, you should have known the second he asked you to "jump through hoops", ie, be someone you are not, that you were not "the one". He all but told you that you weren't, because he asked you to be someone different.
Lesson learned...you don't fit into the relationship...the relationship fit YOU | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:31:24 PM | Men are hunters by nature. Its in there genes. Why would a man continue to chase, track, follow the prints of, create a great place on his wall for the head of, and in any otherwise feel the excitement of the chase or the hunt if the prey has been bagged over and over again.
Why do you think men cheat on their wives??? They have the same old "stuff" day in and day out. The chase is over. If there is no love there, deep abiding respectful love, then why buy the cow???
Nothing like a safari in the deepest jungle for a rare and nearly extinct prey....you know, the ones who actually value their precious cargo. | |
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| You assumed...
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:38:07 PM | relationships are always confusing to say the least....
i think where you may have miscalculated passed events is this.... you are under the assumption that he shared 100% of his feelings with you....
we can only assume one of two things..... his flip flop behavior is/was planned or he truly cared for you and wanted to feel the things he said and for whatever reason and there may be many reasons..... decided he could not follow through!!
reasons could have been physical, mental, emotional, financial.... the list goes on!! still has feelings for another woman.....etc etc etc, my point is sometimes the answers we seek are truly irrelevant and the best thing you can do is brush yourself off and get back to a place where your confidence is back on track.... cuz you never know when the right guy will meet your eyes.... | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:39:07 PM | What kind of friends does he want to be with you? fwb? If so, cut him loose, player.
Try going a little slower next time, hard to do when you are in the moment, but perhaps your honeymoon phase flew by really fast and he got the 7 year itch already. | |
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