| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:53:57 PM | Im just curious if anyone could give me any insite on this because its somewhat confusing.
I know someone that has been married for a very long time. Her husband "lost" her car years ago. Meaning it was broke then he took it to a friends house to fix it and she never saw it again. All the time she is asking him to get another car going for her and she wants to drive and goto work. Although her husband doesnt want her to drive or work.
I realize this is very controlling behaviour but im just curious as to what would be going through someones mind for them to not want their SO to not work or drive? They have been married most of their lives. They do have two children but they are grown now and in college and dont live with them. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:02:19 PM | Fear and control.
Most men I know encourage a woman who they love to be all she can be - and spread her wings. It goes to making her a whole person if she is encouraged and applauded for any attempt at independance and self improvement she makes. The same goes for a woman applauding her man for anything he attempts and succeeds at.
Men who dont wish for their wife or woman to have such freedom, or independance, or self empowerment often feel bad about themselves and they fear secretly that if she gets too independant, too out there, she will not need him any longer or she will discover someone better then he is.
Then there are men who are just bastids who want a woman under their thumb like she is his possession - no point in me commenting on men like this - I might lose my cool exterior if I venture into that subject.
There is also the possibility that he thinks she is stupid, incapable, blind, or a danger to herself and others and doesnt want to tell her that. Thats a really big stretch but it is possible.
She needs to get out of that cage either way - in this day and age - no need for a anyone to be so needlessly dependant on another person for every little thing. Not only is it debilitating to her own self esteem, but it will really leave her helpless if something should, God forbid, ever happen to him.
Nuff said. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:04:21 PM | My ex didn't want to teach me how to drive and made so many excuses why I couldn't:
1. My glasses were broken (he sat on them and at the time I didn't wear contacts).
2. They don't make booster seats for drivers.
3. I was pregnant (at the time) and my belly was in the way.
4. He wasn't done paying for the car.
5. When he got around to it.
6. He didn't want his car 'wrapped' around a tree.
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:06:43 PM | | Do you suspect that it might be an abusive relationship? This kind of control is common in such a relationship. Often outsiders don't get to witness the abuse because it happens behind closed doors. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:15:47 PM |
I realize this is very controlling behaviour but im just curious as to what would be going through someones mind for them to not want their SO to not work or drive? They have been married most of their lives. They do have two children but they are grown now and in college and dont live with them.
OP -- VERY controlling behavior actually.
But to answer your question as to the "why" someone wouldn't want their SO working or driving...if she was working and/or driving then she wouldn't be home all the time to coddle him, cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry and so on and so forth. As you said they've been married most their lives, so he's used to the routine. If that changes and she gets a job, then he'd have to fend for himself, of which I'd say he's likely not able (or willing) to do.
He probably imagined having to cook for himself, and clean himself, and do his own laundry and damn near had heart failure or shat himself. In his mind, it's probably "Daddy brings home the bacon...Mommy does the rest".
But that's just my take on it. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:33:08 PM | Is this a woman you are seeing behind his back? if so this would explain A LOT and the way you word your questions this seems to be the case. If I am correct about this (and even I'm not this may still help to explain) she may have cheated on him in the past, and she may have just done it with someone she worked with. It is not uncommon for these things to happen. He probably found out and ever since has had a hard time trusting her. It really disgusts me that some of you people jump straight to abuse. Of course there is some controlling going on but it isn't necessarily for bad intentions. Sometimes we have to save the ones we love from themselves.
If she broke his car while driving it, I can understand his reservations in letting her drive. I had an ex that did this to not 1 but 2 of our vehicles in a single year. It gets expensive. Some men don't want their women to have to work. Maybe he already makes more than enough money and it makes him very suspicious as to why she would want to work for extra money (of course she may just want to work to give her something to do and feel useful).
If you are trying to see this woman behind her husbands back and trying to talk her into leaving him by pointing out his shortcomings or exaggerating them, let me tell you that you should stop now because no matter what you feel now, there's a good chance it's not going to end pretty. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:40:18 PM | | Does he make her wear a Burka when she goes out in public? Sounds pretty sad to me. No confusion as to who the alpha male is LOL. Controlling? Obviously. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:56:18 PM |
Men who dont wish for their wife or woman to have such freedom, or independance, or self empowerment often feel bad about themselves and they fear secretly that if she gets too independant, too out there, she will not need him any longer or she will discover someone better then he is.
Then there are men who are just bastids who want a woman under their thumb like she is his possession - no point in me commenting on men like this - I might lose my cool exterior if I venture into that subject.
On of these two makes the most sense to me, probably the first suggestion which is what I was thinking. He is very clingy to her.
OP -- VERY controlling behavior actually.
But to answer your question as to the "why" someone wouldn't want their SO working or driving...if she was working and/or driving then she wouldn't be home all the time to coddle him, cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry and so on and so forth. As you said they've been married most their lives, so he's used to the routine. If that changes and she gets a job, then he'd have to fend for himself, of which I'd say he's likely not able (or willing) to do.
He probably imagined having to cook for himself, and clean himself, and do his own laundry and damn near had heart failure or shat himself. In his mind, it's probably "Daddy brings home the bacon...Mommy does the rest".
Thats an interesting take on it but she has supported them to at times to in the past.
Just a side note : no ive never even met her. We talk online and debate each other and talk about relationships in general. It just peaked my curiosity as to WHY a guy would do this to someone? I really dont get why someone would not want their SO to even drive?
I agree with you though cfn09 that some people jump to abuse, I dont think thats the case as far as physical abuse is concerned but I to think their is some mental abuse. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:01:59 PM |
If I am correct about this (and even I'm not this may still help to explain) she may have cheated on him in the past, and she may have just done it with someone she worked with. It is not uncommon for these things to happen. He probably found out and ever since has had a hard time trusting her. It really disgusts me that some of you people jump straight to abuse. Of course there is some controlling going on but it isn't necessarily for bad intentions. Sometimes we have to save the ones we love from themselves.
It really disgusts me that you would jump straight to the woman being untrustworthy.
OH and keeping her under his thumb is for her own good! MY GOD you are a foolish little man that is the same reason why women were kept from voting or learning to read or go to school or do anything other then learn how to cook if you were poor or paint and look pretty if you were rich... IT is for their own good!! and making certain choices would only trouble their weak little minds......
did you think that maybe if she was untrustworthy it was because he was a jerk??? and she needed to get away from him?
there is a difference between doing something out of love and doing something out of desperation and desire to control.
Your accusations against the OP sound like a jealous manipulative husband looking for someone else to blame and this isnt even your relationship goodness i pity anywoman you manage to get involved with | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:03:16 PM | | So she has a friend drive her to a auto dealership and she buys a car. She is letting him control her. Geez, it isn't difficult to buy a car. I don't see the problem. If however he says to her that he doesn't give her permission to drive, she needs to get counseling to find out why she is in this mentally if not physically abusive relationship. She is a person and she needs to find her own voice, you can't do it for her, but you can ask her why she hasn't bought her own car. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:41:22 PM | It's entirely possible that she's given him reason to think that he can't trust her through the years... especially if she's in the habit of talking to men online about her marriage and her husband's "control" of her.
That sounds a lot like the female version of "my wife doesn't understand me" and wouldn't be the first time someone was unwilling to take any responsibility for their marriage being sour while they decide to cheat. Since you don't know her, it's equally possible that her husband is a fantastic guy and she's trying to make you feel sorry for her so that you don't judge her for perhaps wanting to start a side fling.
Just another possibility in a list of many... | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:42:09 PM | | Perhaps the husband doesn't want her to drive because of her health like perhaps high blood pressure, etc.. If that is not the reason she can go to the car lot and buy herself a car since she has a job... | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:45:41 PM |
Although her husband doesnt want her to drive or work.
That is sooooo very fcuked up....
I only had one g/f who didn't know how to drive... I helped her learn... (even helped pay for her lessons)
I think I'd have a hard time with a woman who didn't drive...
If a guy doesn't want his wife/girlfriend to work or drive, then provide her with a good allowance.(equal to a wage) and a chauffeur.... otherwise it's all about control.... | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:56:15 PM | Not only is it controlling...it takes away her freedom. When he is dead and gone... she will have to ask friends to drive her places and hope to God by then she has friends left that can drive!
Its old school thinking.... settled with whatever decision the "man" made. As you can see she won’t challenge him even if it is something "she wants". So... she sits and waits and waits and waits.. For him to listen to her needs .. Which he doesn’t because he couldn’t care less about them.
There is not much you can do for a couple like that even taking her aside and talking to her she will turn around and surprise the hell out of you and say " it’s ok” and make 100 excuses as to why he 'cant" get her one . She will turn a blind eye to the truth if you dare point out “his faults” Why? Because she has grown accustom to his demanding, controlling, attitude and she probably knows by now if she dare challenges him ... it’s worse than to just “put up” with it.I’ve seen it over and over again. Notice how she is working and still doesn’t come home with a car? That’s because he has it set up so that he is in complete charge of everything from the finances, to what she buys and if she is allowed to buy it.
What’s in the man’s mind? ????
I AM SELFISH
I AM SELFISH
I AM SELFISH.
In his eyes? She is better off seen and not heard.
Whatever you do lol Please don’t introduce me to him.
All I can say is this.. When he is dead and gone hopefully he leaves her enough money so she can buy herself a nice car! IF ... she is still able to drive. She will probably do a lot of things after he is dead and gone... Most women do and they LOVE their freedom! | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:37:01 AM | It's not fair to judge the husband as "controlling" without knowing their history.
Maybe she's an alcoholic and has endangered others by driving.
Maybe she's crashed 4 other cars and injured herself in the past.
Maybe she's had an affair with someone at her former job.
Maybe she's not been able to keep a job because she has problems with supervisors.
Maybe she's come home from jobs in the past and has complained and moaned about them.
Maybe she's a nervous driver and takes pills and drives.
Maybe she's been fired from a number of jobs and she's better off not working.
Maybe a medical or psychological condition makes driving dangerous or working a bad idea.
Maybe she lacks skills needed to hold down a decent job and he'd prefer she doesn't go clean toilets.
You don't know "what would be going through someones mind", nor do you know what has led to this arrangement. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:07:44 AM | ------------
It really disgusts me that you would jump straight to the woman being untrustworthy.
OH and keeping her under his thumb is for her own good! MY GOD you are a foolish little man that is the same reason why women were kept from voting or learning to read or go to school or do anything other then learn how to cook if you were poor or paint and look pretty if you were rich... IT is for their own good!! and making certain choices would only trouble their weak little minds......
did you think that maybe if she was untrustworthy it was because he was a jerk??? and she needed to get away from him?
there is a difference between doing something out of love and doing something out of desperation and desire to control.
Your accusations against the OP sound like a jealous manipulative husband looking for someone else to blame and this isnt even your relationship goodness i pity anywoman you manage to get involved with
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talk about getting emotional...you seem to be the one taking this personal not me. and insults as well? really? you're how old? (rhetorical)
The fact is, this guy asking this question on a dating site forum is a good indication that he most likely is seeing her on the side or working towards doing so. Of course he could just be asking for a true friend or maybe even a family member, but the chances of that are low considering what type of forum this is.
''did you think that maybe if she was untrustworthy it was because he was a jerk??? and she needed to get away from him?''
yeah that's a possibility, he could be untrustworthy for no reason at all. I only provided one of many possibilities, listing them all would be quite a lot of writing, especially without knowing the situation first hand which none of us can. It really seems like deep down and subconsciously you WANT it to be abuse so you can have a reason to hate the guy. Not letting her drive the car or get a job doesn't mean he's abusing her, even if it is wrong. It's guilty until proven innocent with you. There's no doubt the guy's insecure. Unless he physically stops her from walking out the door and getting a job, it's not abuse. Just because he's not supporting her in getting a job doesn't mean he's abusing her either.
"OH and keeping her under his thumb is for her own good! MY GOD you are a foolish little man that is the same reason why women were kept from voting or learning to read or go to school or do anything other then learn how to cook if you were poor or paint and look pretty if you were rich... IT is for their own good!! and making certain choices would only trouble their weak little minds...... "
that's a pretty big leap from what I was saying. I hope ranting against a 'foolish little man' made you feel BIG. if you had an unfaithful spouse, there's only 2 options stay or leave. some people choose to stay, some choose to leave. the choice is on both people. those that choose to stay ALWAYS worry it will happen again, there's no changing that. I agree she should have a job if she wants. I never said she shouldn't.
"there is a difference between doing something out of love and doing something out of desperation and desire to control."
yes there is. but if she's a bad driver and they only have one vehicle and she wrecks it neither of them are getting to work. maybe he's cheap and doesn't want to afford another car, who knows. obviously he trusted her with the car before she 'lost' it and it broke, so something changed that made him not trust her meaning there is a better chance he has a good reason rather than him being an ***hole about it. It would be different if he never let her drive it before. And of course if he doesn't trust her to drive it because she's a bad driver (and no im not using a stereotype saying women are bad drivers) then he could drive her but maybe he wouldn't be able to do it due to his work hours. I also pointed out BigDaddyJinx's post was another good point of view on it.
"Your accusations against the OP sound like a jealous manipulative husband looking for someone else to blame and this isnt even your relationship goodness i pity anywoman you manage to get involved with"
this does not offend me because I know who I am, and you don't. you're looking to blame the man and only the man, when at worst I blamed both parties. was what I said accusations? no they weren't.
On a side note you seem to have some bottled up anger most likely from bad past experiences, please don't project them onto other people so you can blow off some steam. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:12:51 AM | "t's not fair to judge the husband as "controlling" without knowing their history.
Maybe she's an alcoholic and has endangered others by driving.
Maybe she's crashed 4 other cars and injured herself in the past.
Maybe she's had an affair with someone at her former job.
Maybe she's not been able to keep a job because she has problems with supervisors.
Maybe she's come home from jobs in the past and has complained and moaned about them.
Maybe she's a nervous driver and takes pills and drives.
Maybe she's been fired from a number of jobs and she's better off not working.
Maybe a medical or psychological condition makes driving dangerous or working a bad idea.
Maybe she lacks skills needed to hold down a decent job and he'd prefer she doesn't go clean toilets.
You don't know "what would be going through someones mind", nor do you know what has led to this arrangement."
excellent post. at least ONE woman isn't blaming only the man. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:13:39 AM | Odd to me, bordering creepy.
If my husband"lost" my car I would help him "find" it real quick.
It does sound like controlling and abusive behavior, but who is to know?
She puts up with it.
Maybe she is a boozer?????? | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:22:10 AM | I do not know what would lead to this arrangement because I have no direct contact or knowledge of the situation or the individuals involved.
'Landra2' is correct: and the list goes on...
You're free to speculate...do not expect to be correct.
Peace. | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:26:18 AM | To control someone you take away there freedom is what he is thinking. Oddly about 50% of controllers like this tend to be guilty of dubious behaviour outwith the life they share with there beloved controlled one.
Perhaps a little late for her to see the light of day :( | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 3:31:42 AM | the only way men control women is because women allow it to happen..
yes it can happen over time, and little bit by little bit, but it still only continues because she lets him tell her what he 'likes' her to do..
if she was quite happy not to work when the children were small, he may be of the opinion that she doesnt need to work now, that the way things are is just fine..
she may not be effectively communicating that her desire for more 'out of the house' freinds or activities is something that is important to her..
its ok to jump on the male and say that he is totally at fault, but every situation only continues if both parties allow it to ... | |
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| Husband doesnt want her to drive
Posted: 7/9/2009 4:12:47 AM | | Had a friend go thru this a few years ago. Husband lost his car and took hers. destroyed her credit and everything he could to control her ans her son. All it took was just to have one friend stand up and help her and get her on her own and build her self confidance. Juggled scheduals and shared my car for the last two years and she finally got things turned around for her and her son. Takes time but sometimes it is worth it if it is a friend that just needs a little help to build herself up , take charge of her life and become self sufficiant without a controlling and dominating male behind her deciding what is in his best interests and not that of his wife and family. | |
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