| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:49:14 PM | ---Don't need it. Won't Find It Theory.---
Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
I say probably not. Here's why.
Many men need to be needed. At work. At home. We want to be making contributions that would be sorely missed if we were gone. We want to make a difference to those around us. Otherwise, what's the point?
So how do you think we are going to respond, hearing that a woman doesn't care whether she ever again has a man in her life?
I'll tell you. We will look elsewhere.
So whos left?
Men who don't care whether they add anything to a woman's life or not. Men who are more interested in getting than giving. Not exactly great partnership material.
Look forward to hearing your response.
Sincerely,
Timothy Paul | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:57:18 PM | what women mean when they say that is that they can survive (nicely) without a man.
their reasons for wanting a man is to add to their life and add to his life in return. we wouldn't even consider the type of man you describe.
we can do all those things you mentioned, but would appreciate and willingly accept a man's contribution via the partnership, but we no longer need a man to survive or function in those areas.
this is healthy. not to say we wouldn't miss you when you were gone.
kaylee
ladies, i am sorry i said we, i think it is correct for the most part, but i will say that for sure i only know fabout me. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:16:39 PM | | Well... I did. I found a very giving man who, like me, didn't NEED to be in a relationship and who despised the idea of someone needing him and much as I despised the idea of someone needing me. It's a shame when people can't see that wanting to be with a particular person is much more valuable than needing a partner in your life. Women don't feel repelled by men who appear to be complete without a woman at their side and it seems strange that men commonly value themselves so low as to think that a woman would not want them unless she were in some way in need of a man. | |
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| Flawed Logic
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:20:33 PM | Either that or a misunderstanding of some of the critical terms.
I don't "need" to be needed. Indeed, the notion of being "needed" gives me hives. I have a front row seat that allows me to watch this very sort of relationship unfold...where one party appears to have put the other at the center of their universe...and appears to "need" that person to reside in that place.
I am good friends with the person sitting in that center spot. We've talked about how much PRESSURE there is associated with feeling like someone's very well being is dependent on you.
I don't want that. And I sure as hell don't "need" it. I don't need to be "needed".
I am much, much, much more comfortable with the overlapping of lives, versus one residing at the center of another. I have my life...she has her life...and there are places where these circles overlap...but they are not concentric.
I want to be wanted....very much so. But I have no need to be needed. And no interest in it. At all.
By the same token, I would very much prefer a woman who doesn't NEED a man. Want one? Yes. Need one? I am running in the other direction.
Now the question becomes...do you actually not understand this, or are you simply playing out an exercise in misogyny.....because in your very post you seem to grasp the concept...yet ignore it.
<div class="quote">We want to make a difference to those around us. Otherwise, what's the point?
I agree entirely...but the key word here is WANT. I don't NEED to be making a difference in anyone's life save to person who calls me "Daddy".
<div class="quote">So how do you think we are going to respond, hearing that a woman doesn't care whether she ever again has a man in her life?
I have never heard a heterosexual woman who wasn't in deep pain associated with recovering from a bad relationship in the IMMEDIATE past say she "doesn't care" if she has a man in her life. I'd agree that such a woman is to be avoided. But you speak as though this were a common thing.
NEEDING is not the opposite of "doesn't care". The women I know who espouse the attitude you are alluding to don't NEED a man in their life, but are very open to the RIGHT man being there, and in fact they WANT to meet that man.
<div class="quote">
Look forward to hearing your response.
You strike me as a misogynistic, self absorbed, and yet somehow needy man. IMHO. There, you have it. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:26:18 PM | Its not that a woman doesn't care if she ever has a man in her life again. There are many of us who would cherish the love and companionship of a wonderful man. Problem is, there don't seem to be a lot of wonderful men out there.
I just returned from a date with a POF guy who seemed to have the mistaken notion that I found him so stimulating that I would "do" it with him in the backseat of his car.
What I'm saying is that if THAT is what we're going to get......then by G*d, I'd rather ask my finger the next morning after a few drinks and a great dinner if "we" did it last night or not....
My pride and my dignity and my sense of self worth are alive and well. An intelligent woman who knows who and what she is and what her value is will seek a mate who thinks enough of her to get to know her, and she him. He will not take her for granted.
He will respect her enough to NOT listen to the little head in his shorts. | |
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| Flawed Logic
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:27:59 PM | I agree with all those who have said that wanting is a much more healthy way to be.
I have been in the 'need' category.. many many moons ago when I was younger and naive.
I think as you get older and you only have your own company for a lot of the time.. you tend to really enjoy that. .. and I guess 'fall in love' with yourself. I have to admit there are those bad days though.. and I am sure we all have those when we do get lonely for someone of the opposite sex..
But I know I 'want' a man .. I definitely don't 'need' one... I can survive and flourish most wonderfully without one.
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:29:19 PM | Funny you started this thread, OP as I was just thinking about this EXACT thing today as I prepare to throw my line back in the water...
What I said to myself was, "I want to be needed and I need to be wanted."
To me (after reflection upon my own relationships), I don't wish to be a dictator nor be dictated to. I desire to find someone who compliments me (as cliche as that sounds) so that we act as a well oiled machine...in tune with each other on all levels...interest-wise, outlook-wise, relationship-wise, sexually-wise, the whole enchilada-wise.
The thing is, I have also come to realize that 'she' wants to be needed and needs to be wanted. How I am, what I do, how I act, what I say, it's not a load of BS. If I say it but don't believe it, I'm only setting myself up for a fall. Why put myself and another through that crap?
The 'Independence Card' is something I will scrutinize very carefully. For me, it comes down to attitude. Her attitude about it is what I need to come to understand and make a determination from there. JMO.
~ds~ | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:35:13 PM | I wonder why were so many women in all kind of dating sites ,single clubs if the don't need men for their happiness ?
Well, if a woman is in a dating site and would say she doesn't care whether again has a man in her life, it is like the wolf that he thinks the apple is sour because he can't reach it.. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:46:55 PM | I don't expect anyone to be taken back by my response here. Men do not need to be needed...they may be used to it, they may "feel" lost if it's not present, but they can certainly get along without it. The whole stroking a man's ego to date him is sort of outdated. If women don't need to be needed, men don't either.
I don't constantly worry about being needed, so I don't identify with it - and so far it hasn't killed me.
Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Most are happy already...and may add to that happiness should they meet someone they like and want to get to know, and even date and get involved with. But if they don't need a man to be happy, not finding one won't ruin the happiness.
I say probably not. Here's why. Many men need to be needed. At work. At home. We want to be making contributions that would be sorely missed if we were gone. We want to make a difference to those around us. Otherwise, what's the point?
We all want to contribute to society. And women may want a man for WHO HE IS, not WHAT HE DOES OR PROVIDES. Why don't men want someone who actually cares who he is as a person? Never thought that would be an issue.
So how do you think we are going to respond, hearing that a woman doesn't care whether she ever again has a man in her life?
It's one thing to need A man in your life. It's quite another to grow to need a SPECIFIC man over time. The former is cookie cutter and codependent. The latter is personal, and about the guy, not filling a void.
I'll tell you. We will look elsewhere.
So whos left?
Men who don't care whether they add anything to a woman's life or not. Men who are more interested in getting than giving. Not exactly great partnership material.
Both should complement each other's lives, but not complete them. To us, need = depend, which we learned from so many men who complained about having to take care of women in years past.
A woman saying she doesn't need a man means she's not going to depend on one to survive, which instead means she might want a man for who he is personally. What a tragedy - a guy being picked based on attraction and personality instead of his wallet. Pfft! | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:55:58 PM | I think wanting to be "needed" is the same as wanting to feel certain that the person you're with could not do without you and as such, it's about your own hope to put a stop to your fears that your partner just might be able to survive without you.
To take it so far as to say that women who aren't dependent in some way can't find a man is to say that most men are walking scared. It's certainly true that a woman's independence can be a frightening thing if you've never been with someone who likes to be self-sufficient but it certainly doesn't mean that she can't find someone who will respect that quality in her.
If indeed, a man has to have a woman depending on him in order for him to be capable of feeling secure, that's about him and he has some stuff of his own to deal with before HE can find love. Love should be liberating... not binding. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:56:20 PM | WomanInProgress - msg. 14 ^^^^^^ you say it so much better than I ever could.
In my profile, I clearly state that I live by "what goes around, comes around".... you get what you give.... I want a relationship where he wants to be with me.... not one where he needs to be with me... therefore, I will show him that I want to be with him... and expect the same in return. I desire a relationship based on want, not based on need.
"To love someone because you need them is immature love.
To need someone because you love them is mature love."
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| Nope.
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:07:37 PM |
i think EVERYONE needs to be needed.
Not only do I not NEED to be "needed", I very much don't want to be needed...and to the best of my knowledge, the only person in this world who NEEDS me is a six year old.
I would be very, very wary of anyone who actually felt what you typed.... | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:19:14 PM |
we can do all those things you mentioned, but would appreciate and willingly accept a man's contribution via the partnership, but we no longer need a man to survive or function in those areas.
The dilemma created by that one statement is...
...based on the assumption that the partnership is equal based upon the opinion of one and not the opinion of both parties.
The majority of men will not argue this point because it is an argument they cannot win. On the whole, women want the traditional effort of a man and the option to choose their traditions. At least in my experience...
So many divas... So little time in the day.
I need a roof over my head,my bills paid,food in my stomach and a bed to sleep in. And,I have those things. I want ,someday,to have an equal and loving partnership with a man.
Sounds great? Equals that is. How do equals come to a conclusion on tough decisions? Do they remain in negotiation until a conclusion is determined? What happens if the negotiations continue over a considerable amount of time? Do the equals live a life in limbo until a conclusion is reached an a verbal/written contract is created?
My guess? One of the equals succumbs to the idea that we are not equals and chooses to make the 'higher being' happy.
Don't get me wrong. There has to be a middle ground. In one instance lead/another follow. This equal sh1t is taken way to far sometime. It is a cop out if you ask me.
America is the land of spoiled brats.
There are things I excell at more than others and things that I do not. Life is a dance. The same goes for everyone in traffic.
Equals? Horseshyt!
But I know I 'want' a man .. I definitely don't 'need' one... I can survive and flourish most wonderfully without one.
And you will... end up settling for someone who 'agrees' with you. | |
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| Nope.
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:36:19 PM | Oh, c'mon emlam...stop with the ultra macho facade.
I can have an orgasm solely with my hand. But, I 'need' a woman to have intercourse. And from my limited experience, there is a significant difference.
So, your six year old 'needs' you. Do you have a cutoff point at which time that child will be cut loose to fend for themself? Have you informed them when that day will be? Do you think that when they reach age 18 (or whenever) that they no longer need or desire the love of their father?
Be careful what you wish for. For, as you have taught your child that there is a time limit on how long you are willing to em0tionally support them, so have you determined that you view other relationships in a like manner, i.e. disposable at your will.
~ds~ | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:38:33 PM | Hi All,
Emotionally healthy people need others. By design we are social creatures. Of course, that can be hard to admit because of our need to be independent. But that doesn't change the way it is.
To those saying they want a man but don't need one, where do you think you wants come from? Wants spring from needs.
Sincerely,
Timothy | |
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| So...
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:59:20 PM | I can have an orgasm solely with my hand. But, I 'need' a woman to have intercourse. And from my limited experience, there is a significant difference.
...are you going to kill over and die if you aren't with a woman? If there is no woman in your life? Because I can direct you to a thread where people have posted they have gone as long as 15+ years without one. Actual people who were alive at the time of their post.
Beyond that, I can point you to some people not on POF who don't have women in their lives. They dress in black a lot.
Am I going to have to do a cut and paste from some online dictionary regarding the definition of "need"?
I don't NEED to be needed, and and do not WANT to be "needed". I WANT to be wanted, and I WANT a woman a woman in my life.
Air. Water. Food. Shelter. Its a short list...as it should be if you are a self actualized adult.
Do you have a cutoff point at which time that child will be cut loose to fend for themself?
Yes.
Have you informed them when that day will be?
What the fcuk do you think? He's six.
Do you think that when they reach age 18 (or whenever) that they no longer need or desire the love of their father?
And exactly what the fcuk does that have to do with this? Are you actually comparing the relationship between parent and child to that between two adults who chose to be involved romantically? Seriously?
Need? What were to happen if I should get hit by a bus sometime between now and his death...is he going to jump in the grave with me, or am I going to find a way to love him from it?
At some point in his maturation process he will in fact no longer NEED my love...which is a good things since I am likely to die before he does. He does NEED it now...because he is a child, and whom he is to be is still at its formative state...and I play a role in that. By time he is 18 - 22, presumably he will be an adult...and that NEED will be replaced by WANT.
I hope I am the type of father he always WANTS to have in his life. And that would be the type who amongst other things teaches him to subsist on his own without a NEED for anyone in particular.
For, as you have taught your child that there is a time limit on how long you are willing to em0tionally support them,
WTF does this have to do with this topic, and exactly what the fcuk does my be WILLING to provide emotional support have to do with his NEEDING it?
so have you determined that you view other relationships in a like manner, i.e. disposable at your will.
So...whose will is it that comes into play if I no longer with to have a relationship with someone? Am I supposed to take a vote? And what does this have to do with NEEDING someone?
I grant that you come across as an articulate moron, but moronic all the same.
It is very simple...wanting...and needing...are not the same thing. The things in this life you cannot live without is really, really short. A woman is not on that list...which is a good thing since people by the MILLIONS live without them. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:00:53 PM | It seems to come down to the word "Need." Too many people think of this as being "needy." Too many women have been labeled as needy who actually "want" a man in their lives. No, I don't "need-needy" a man in my life. I can live by myself, take care of myself and my property, make a living, etc. etc. etc.
Yes, I do want people in my life otherwise I'd go nuts talking to myself! 
And yes, I would prefer to have a man in my life. I actually LIKE men in general and some in particular. I enjoy talking and interacting with men. I don't know many women around my age who want to talk about the things I want to talk about. | |
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| So...
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:02:49 PM |
Wants spring from needs.
...that want I want I have for an old Ferrari 456 comes from my need for....transportation? 
I see being an articulate moron it quite popular these days.... | |
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