| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:22:26 AM | Some people need to be needed. At work. At home. In their recreational life. They want to be making contributions that would cause them to be sorely missed if they were gone.
At 45+ many of us have been in a marriage where we were needed. Many of us have been the primary caregiver for a spouse who was terminal.
I can easily remember after first being widowed realizing that I had so much love to give and no one to give it to. However, I learned to rechannel that love into various volunteer work that I do.
I remember questioning why I live and my late spouse didn't when (I thought at the time) he contributed more to more people than I did. Turning that into questioning into an answer that made me realize what I had contributed and what I would continue to contribute was a turning point to me.
Being over 45, I have made contributions at work. I have brought change to the organization that I volunteer for.
Was there a point in your life where you have realize all that you have already had - all you have already accomplished?
I am not saying to stop doing more. More is always good. However, isn't there a point where we come to terms with ourselves and our lifestyles and stop having such a need to be needed.
Do we still have to have the marriage, the awards etc., or have to come to appreciate who we are? | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:30:43 AM | I am also a widow....and was use to taking care of everything and everyone. For awhile I brought home pets....my teenage Daughter was off and going all the time and had this horrible urge to fill in the empty spots in my life. At first it was animals. Then I started speaking for high-schools and churches about suicide.....yes Suicide. I did this for a number of years until I was finely full inside again. With much counseling and filling my life with a variety of different things I discovered who I was and what I was. This is ongoing. I have changed so much in the recent years it is even amazing to be. Gone is the whiny, clingy unhappy woman.....she has been replaced by a strong sufficient woman. Yes life is good. Coming to terms with my past and moving towards the present. I found who I am and like myself again. At times I still wander a bit and forgive myself and move on to something better. And whenever I feel those character defects coming on. Today life is good if not great. Accepting myself warts and all and learning to take care of myself is the best thing I have ever done.....Great Post and you always keep us thinking........ | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:03:33 AM | Husband had been long gone,
kids were in teen years,
and I went on to continue being a 'caregiver'.. a 'nurturer'.. by opening my home to special-needs foster children.
They needed me, I needed to be needed. I admit it.. (it's how a lot of really good deeds get accomplished in this world).
Yes, OP, there HAS now come the time of me "backing off" from the 'need' to be needed.
Was beginning to hit me right before my accident.
I kinda was beginning to think I had accomplished a lot in that realm, and time to shift focus.
Has 75% hit me... and acted on... since accident.
Because my heart does still have the "caring" mode it always had,
I can't resist keeping a few fingers in the pot of volunteering here and there..
and yes, from that pot I admit my 'need' to be needed gets fed.
But yep, I'm more sittin' back in life now. Enjoying that.
Life has shifted.
If I end up with a man... he will enjoy the giving back and forth of feeding this need.
Because he has it too.
If not, then no way. Won't do the one-sided thing. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:46:31 AM | Not to sound like I'm playing with words, but do you really need to be needed?
I admit, on some basic human level, we all want to be needed to some extent. But does being needed become your end-all, be-all of your existance? Or is this "need to be needed" becoming a crutch for you? It that how you define yourself?
Sure, like everyone else there's a part of me that wants someone to "need me", but, more to the point, I want someone who wants me, someone who will love me.
But always, that's just my current opinion. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:52:52 AM | "I admit, on some basic human level, we all want to be needed to some extent. But does being needed become your end-all, be-all of your existance? Or is this "need to be needed" becoming a crutch for you? It that how you define yourself?"
My question exactly for a lot of people I meet in datingland. People who basically define themselves by their need to be part of a couple scare me. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. I "need" to be with someone who wants to be with me, loves to be with me, but would be happy whether they meet me or not.
I couldn't take the pressure of an overwhelming people of need. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:02:20 AM | | I think there has to be a happy medium in this area of ones life. I know a family no one died good people but they finally dominated things to the extreem in there small town church. Doing and volunteering for others is great yet one just has to have balance in life. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:10:59 AM |
Sure, like everyone else there's a part of me that wants someone to "need me", but, more to the point, I want someone who wants me, someone who will love me. It's, in my opinion, all parts of the whole.
The needing, the wanting, the loving..
and then the giving, the receiving, of all parts of the whole.
A lot of people kinda want to push aside the 'needing' part, thinking it is somewhat lower on the ladder and maybe even just shouldn't be mentioned or others will think I am "needy", in a derogative way.
I just tend to think it's all part of the whole.
IMO, of course. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:32:48 AM | "Do we still have to have the marriage, the awards etc., or have to come to appreciate who we are?
Was there a point in your life where you have realize all that you have already had - all you have already accomplished?"
When I was much younger I had the need (hunger) to be needed by an s/o. Having been successful (successful enough for me) in a marriage and in business, and in volunteer work, I no long need to chase these things. It doesn't mean I will stop helping where needed, but I won't be chasing need. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:27:49 AM | Ms.moraima
You hit it right on the head again with this one..
I find that of ALL my wants, needs, and desires..
I truthfully admit to myself that the most
primary is "to be needed"...
Some people need to be needed.
And Mr.scottdehart
Not to sound like I'm playing with words, but do you really need to be needed?
"Playing with words"....???
You got me.. I do not understand anything about your post...
My whole life I have belonged somewhere,
I was needed, contributed, was an active member and a very
NEEDED member of what ever I was, be it family, military. govermeant, etc..
Being retired, divorced, and alone.........
the most painful thing of my now existance..
is NOT being needed.!!!
Weather your spouse, children, job, family, group, etc..
"being needed" fulfils a basic human emotion..
Now...
I have no scientific proof on this.
but my heart, soul, and mind tell ME it is so..
Humans are complex creatures..
and simple food, shelter, and life are NOT enough...
I don't care what the heck other chuckle-heads say..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:37:35 AM | "My whole life I have belonged somewhere,"
You are somewhere. You are at your home.
"I was needed, contributed, was an active member and a very
NEEDED member of what ever I was, be it family, military. govermeant, etc.."
Isn't that the stage where we are creating a family and developing as people?
"Being retired, divorced, and alone.........
the most painful thing of my now existance..
is NOT being needed.!!!
Weather your spouse, children, job, family, group, etc..
"being needed" fulfils a basic human emotion.."
Sound to me like it is more empty nest issues and when you get comfortable with yourself, will be another stage in life that passes.
If is is all about me and my needs, when do I get comfortable with what I have?
Some people sound like they are filling an endless pit of need (not you SB..just in general). They will meet yet another s/o, loose that relationship, and the whole thing starts again.
Why can't we just be us and enjoy it? | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:45:40 AM |
I voted not to delete this thread I am hoping that I did it right......ouch
Blueeyes, how did you do that? I know of 3 threads that mysteriously disappeard the last couple of days without any reason or explaination? How does that happen? | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:55:33 AM | Scottdehart said: "I admit, on some basic human level, we all want to be needed to some extent. But does being needed become your end-all, be-all of your existance? Or is this "need to be needed" becoming a crutch for you? It that how you define yourself?"
Yes I agree Scott sometimes someone can fill their days up so full with other peoples needs that they have no time for their own.........However this can not last the fire still needs oxygen to burn.
Sometimes when I meet people like this I think to myself is this a distraction from facing oneself? | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 12:02:21 PM | Yes. Ms. moraima ,
All you state bout "empty mest" is probably so..
But I still stick by my post.....
wanting again to have the feelings and fulfilmeant (sp)
that doing for / with others gave me may be selfish..
but I can name, think, show, and document much worse
selfish behavior..... ..
When one's whole life has beem
"belonging and being needed"....
It is difficult to resigns one's self to the fact that it is no more..
at least for me...
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 12:08:50 PM | Professionally speaking I get all sorts of rewards. When a kid who was failing comes to me and shows me her report card and she went from an f to a c. i had lots of those and other rewards of that type. when my kids call me and ask what i think about things and want my input. that is a reward for parenting well done. unfortunately relationship wise i have not had so many rewards, wont say none, but few and far between. which goes a long way in explaining why i am not in a hurry for the love bug to bite.  | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 12:12:59 PM | Is this part and parcel of learning to love and appreciate ourselves and what we have contributed to the world, then being content enough that need is no longer in our mind?
I can remember spending about 18 months thinking about when I died what would I have to show for my life time efforts. At that point, I couldn't see all the good I had done, and all the people I had helped. At that point I still needed.............a stage I went through for sure.
Now I am in a comfortable stage. If my life ends today, I will have no regrets. There is a lot to be said for living every day to the fullest. When we do it, there comes a point where we have a long list of things we no longer need. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:10:27 PM | OP, interesting question.
i do like contributing, and being useful, very much, along with the connections and work with people that can come with that. i liked parrothead's description of some lovely moments in those kinds of interactions.
needed, to a degree, with my family and friends...
but in a broader way, i'm definitely pulling back the filaments. i think sometimes the problem can be different perceptions of need on both sides. in my line of work there is a pretty constant tension between what people feel they need and expect, and what is possible and doable (across the board-- this is a general condition in this arts "industry"). i used to have good and seemingly endless energy for this, though always hated being on the side of disillusioning people (whether explicity or just by the way things go), and really hate it when those expectations turn into unruly and persistent demands. since i don't like being soaked in any kind of negativity, it's time to make changes...
it might also be a question for some of us, already raised i think by the OP, of learning it's okay to need and be there for ourselves, as well. i like giving-- really to be on the same page with other people and address their needs in some way is pretty neat. but i'm not so good at having my own needs met. i'm the kind of person who believes in knowing, taking care of oneself and making yourself happy-- but when the input/output gets out of whack it can be exhausting and surprising.
peace to all... | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:25:55 PM | Okay, I am having a rough week, and it is raining out, so it is time for a negative post.
In many times and ways in my life, I have been needed.
Not many times have I been appreciated.
Now I would like to be wanted.
Sadly, I think that if I died tomorrow, the only person who would remember what I tried to do with my life would be me! Truthfully, I am satisfied with the level of integrity I have abided by in my life, and I am not in search of being needed anymore!
Yes, I am disillusioned, but by others, not myself. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:52:08 PM | OP, I raised 3 kids that will never, ever, end up on Jerry Springer. I think my contribution to society is fulfilled. Now it's my time and thoughts of being needed or making a contribution never enter my mind.  | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/9/2009 4:15:24 PM | "Yes I agree Scott sometimes someone can fill their days up so full with other peoples needs that they have no time for their own.........However this can not last the fire still needs oxygen to burn.
Sometimes when I meet people like this I think to myself is this a distraction from facing oneself?"
This is very true! I am a people pleaser and have over time given to others needs that my own were so lost that I had no idea who I was. It kept me from seeing me. Now being no longer a part of a couple and having to fulfill someone else's needs I am finding out who I am again. And you know what? I like myself. I don't need any one to make me happy or fill my needs. I may like to have someone to share things with and at some point be with lt but I will no longer be the one filling up any other persons needs. It kind of goes with the thread "what makes you happy" and no one can but you can be happy with someone or make your own happiness.
Don't depend on others for your happiness or to fill your needs. If you can't do it yourself then you need to spend time alone and work on yourself.
JMHO. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:48:14 PM | | I can't recall any time in my life that I was "needy". I like having people around, in general, but there are many times I relish being alone. I'm the one who wanders off from the crowd to find somewhere quiet where I can just sit and reflect. Needy people can't understand taht facet of my personality and I've often been asked if something offended me. Huh? Constant attention drives me batty, as do demands from others for constant attention. I have freely given of my time to help people who need my particular field of expertise, but I haven't done any volunteer work - yet. I don't feel any pressing need to "couple up" in a live-in relationship, as I like my life the way it is right now. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't lack for companionship if I put a bit of effort into it but, at this point, it's not really on my radar. What I do now, which I didn't do in the past, is to make a big effort to be nice to everyone (whether they deserve it or not). In a way, I feel I NEED to do that, but that's the extent of my needs at this time. | |
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| Being needed and making a contribution.
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:17:02 PM | Not a chance in hell! Been there, done that! Other than my children, who are grown now, I don't want anyone to say they "need " me! Especially someone that could be a partner. I don't play that card in my career either. I have very dependable people that know what they are doing, so I can take time off if I choose.
I've only had "One" relationship in my life where "need" was expressed, and it didn't last very long. I moved on and she committed suicide six months later!
You might express the "desire" to be with someone, but it should never be a "need". Neediness scares the heck out of me. | |
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