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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:01:01 AM | So, my Son decided to join the service, which was fine. He joined the Army National Guard Reserves. He came home from Basic training June 30th and yesterday we got him checked in with his Unit that he is attached to for his one weekend a month and two weeks a year obligations. I thought OK at least it's reserves, he can still go to school, work and serve and should he decide that college isn't for him, after a certain amount of time I guess he has the option to change his contract to full active.
Well, when he came out to the car yesterday, after getting all his paper work taken cared of and getting checked in, he says to me, "Ma, my Unit is scheduled to be deployed to Afghanistan in February."
He is my only child, he'll be 21 in Sept. Sheesh, he just got home. I know it's 7 mos away, right now I am not too panicked, but as the time draws near, I will be more so. How does one cope better? | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:22:28 AM | MsCharlotte2U, I wish I had some words of comfort or wisdom to impart upon you but I simply don't think anything anyone says will give you the comfort when the time comes and your son heads into active duty in Afganistan.
Part of being a parent is learning to let go and allow our children to make their own choices. Part of being a parent is worrying about our children and their safety. The possibility of losing our child in a military combat is not something I think any of us considered or signed up for when we gave birth and invested all the love, time and money into our children.....
I'm sure there are some parents on this site who are going through what you are going through and will be more helpful to you than I can be.....
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:37:46 AM | Dear Ms and friends,
As soul has pointed out, in our generation, conscription having been abolished in the US for some time, few of us think when the gynaecologist says "congratulations" that at early adulthood, military service awaits.
Your son has made a choice, a very mature, adult choice placing the needs of all of us above his own safety. I fear for him, since Afghanistan is not a particularly welcoming place. On the other hand, the maturity, compassion, and even wisdom that comes from being in that situation will make him, in all likelihood, a different man. I share your fear, but can tell you that your sacrifice and his are deeply appreciated by all of us.
And, yes, I know this kind of platitudinous happy talk is of little comfort - but all we have, in the end, is each other, and each other's sympathy.
Wishing you all good things,
CdC | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:04:24 AM |
I know it's 7 mos away, right now I am not too panicked, but as the time draws near, I will be more so. How does one cope better?
Well, first off, there's nothing that can be done to change that... and that means your job is to be supportive and make sure he isn't worried about YOU. He has enough on his plate with the job ahead of him. Don't be a distraction. Be supportive. Good luck! | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:27:42 AM | Ms Charlotte:
My heart goes out to you. My sister's son joined the Reserves to help with his college expenses. He turned nineteen during boot camp. When it was complete, he was told, "Don't return to school, you are deploying to Iraq."
He spent a year over there and came home, safely, a week before Christmas, 2008. It was a year of worry and prayer. We welcomed home a man where a boy had been.
One thing that helped my sister was feeling like she was "doing" something for him. She sent lots of goodie boxes, (make SURE you know the rules before you ship!) wrote lots of letters and cards, and tried to be upbeat when he called.
Another good thing is to be in touch with his unit. There are lots of activities and support projects co ordinated by and for the families of the reservists. Make sure you have those contact names and that they have yours!
One more suggestion is to make sure your son has a public computer account such as my space or facebook. IF he gets computer access...and that can be a big if, it allows him to post one message to lots of people rather than try to write personal letters to everyone. And it allows everyone to write quick notes of support and encouragement to him. (And, if you think you would like a real letter from him, self-addressed stamped envelopes really help. Just check on the postage!)
Last thing, be PROUD of your son! I know you are scared, and you will be until he is safe in your arms again, but he has a job to do. Help him do that job by doing your job well...be what you have been for his whole life, his loving, supportive mom.
Hugs to you and your son. Tell him we are grateful and proud of him. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:41:00 AM | | I feel for you. My son (who is almost 10) has been talking about joining the military for a couple years now. Most people say "don't worry, it's a phase", but with him I know it's not. He eats, sleeps, and breaths military. He plans on signing up for some young marines program when he turns 13. As a parent, it is hard to accept the thought of our children being in harms way. And while you have 7 months, and I have many years, I know a little bit of the anxiety you are going through (not nearly as close to what you feel though). I am very sorry, but he is doing a wonderful thing. The best thing to do is pray and let him know you wil stand behind him. Maybe get to know other military families who have had their young sons/daughters go overseas and ask how they have dealt with it. They could probably help you a lot more than anyone else. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:48:23 AM | Q:How does one cope better?
A: Every unit has an office to help with just this. It is normaly for the wife or husband of deploying service members, but I am sure they would be happy to provide a parent information on this also. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/9/2009 9:34:02 AM | You are walking in difficult shoes to be in and my heart goes out to you as well but this should be the first lesson in this journey for you, turn to those around you for support, they will be there, whether it is family, friends or honestly, strangers.
You have been given a great deal of good advice. I would include not looking down the road. Realistically, nothing is guaranteed. All we have is this hour, or this day. I went from a relatively healthy 42-year-old woman two years ago to almost dead in 10 days. Looking at death that closely in the face causes you to think about the importance in a lot of things.
Couple of years ago someone told me something relative to dating but I think it applies in everything. If you are focused on the future or a goal you tend to not notice what is in front of you. If you keep thinking about that date in February, you miss the joy of his presence today.
After February, you continue to remind yourself that you can do only what you have control over and that your thoughts about him that he will feel should be your love and support and not worrying for his safety. So easy to put on paper and so difficult to put into practice. All of our children are on loan, something we should remember each and every day and I don't think most of us take the opportunity to do that.
In that sense you could choose to consider these next seven months a rare gift. Even if you are close, do you really know your adult son? Does he really know the woman behind the one he calls mom? You can share more in the next seven months than many parents and children do in a very long lifetime. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:38:11 PM | Have you heard of this young solider who was sent to Afghanistan a year ago? When her unit came back to US for a short leave, she deserted and came to Canada asking for the refugee status, because she realized that she could not ethically support what they where doing in Iraq. She now lives here, awaiting her trial to see if Canada will expel her or not:
"I had a huge awakening seeing the war as it truly is: people losing their lives for greed of a nation and the effects on the soldiers who come back with new problems such as nightmares, anxieties, depression, anger, alcohol abuse, missing limbs and scars from burns. Some don't come back at all." (...) She began questioning everything: "Why am I here? What am I giving my life for? How am I helping my comrades and Iraq's people? What harm do I see here that would affect the safety of my family back home? Is what I am doing self-defense or aggression?"
http://www.couragetoresist.org/x/content/view/541/1/
OP, I feel for you. I am really sad to hear this. Personally, I would never let my children enroll in the army, EVER. I would do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent that from happening. And not only for the risk it represents, but mostly because I would never want my children to be brainwashed into obedience and their lives to be put at stakes for the benefit of our elite. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:41:50 PM |
OP, I feel for you. I am really sad to hear this. Personally, I would never let my children enroll in the army, EVER. I would do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent that from happening. And not only for the risk it represents, but mostly because I would never want my children to be brainwashed into obedience and their lives to be put at stakes for the benefit of our elite.
Some people do not disagree with what is going on with politics and war.
I would do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent that from happening.
How would this work with your strict parenting methods? | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 2:28:58 PM |
I would do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent that from happening. How would this work with your strict parenting methods?
My children will know how I feel about politics and war way back from how I raise them all the way from their infancy till they become adults. About how violence is not the way to solve a problem. About how you cannot force your help on someone who isn't asking for help in the first place. About history and wars and economy. About critical thinking and the need to take decision for yourself, not because we are ordered to from anyone. About ethics. About how freedom for someone ends where freedom for someone else's start. About diversity. About homophobia, sexism, heterosexism, ethical differences and religions. About not being afraid of people with different beliefs and about humanity. Enrolling in the army and learning how to kill other human beings will never be something that finds ANY encouragement nor any pride from my as a parent, ever.
If at the age of 18, my kids still want to enroll in the army, against my will, we will have a serious and long discussion about it together, trying to identify their motives, and why they feel the need to do this. I will explain them about their contract, the meaning of the engagement, and how a "reserve" is never really a reserve because the government can change the status anytime and force the person to go to other countries and actually kill other people. And how the government can change the laws or the war status and how reserve can become permanent, with you never having the chance to quit.
If after all this, they still want to enroll, then yes, it becomes their choices, and I will respect that. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 2:35:36 PM | OP the suggestions the lady with the nephew who was deployed in Iraq (sorry cannot recall her name forgive me) were really good ones from someone who has been through it with a loved one. Please remember all her tips.
I just wanted to tell you - hope you take this as purely and respectfully as it is intended- that as parents we never really truly know what our children will be when they get to a certain age. Life has a way of molding them when we are buried in paying bills, laundry, soccer camps and sleep overs. Much of what they are exposed to - we dont see - and are actually lucky when someone else calls us with some information we had no clue about, particularly through adolescence.
That being said - although your son is going to do something that may possibly put him in real harms way - at least he is going in an attempt to be honourable, and do the right thing, and be part of something that is supposed to stand for security for the rest of us. This is very noble, and is something as a mother you can be proud of - his choices are ones of positive proactive functional actions.
Many mothers have had children who ended up in not so great lifestyles, and in serious harms way, and even killed, as a result of something simple and needless such as inner city living, or a bad crowd, or a date with the wrong person driving while intoxicated etc. The heartache of all of these things, although no more then your own Im sure, dont even have pride and assurance attached to them as your sons choices will provide you.
Yes - you will not be able to protect him or control his environment.
But that can be said of most choices he will make now at his age.
At least the choice he did make - he wont have you there to protect him - but he will have a whole damn army to do that for you .. right there by his side.
It could be worse, not trying to belittle your worry at all, just saying try to concentrate on the positive and be proud.
You, and he, shall remain in my prayers for strength, endurance, and safety.
Congrats, I wish you both well.
Warm regards,
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:11:55 PM | | OP I for one would like to thank your son for being one of the brave few willing to step up and serve. It is not an easy job and there are lots of people who enjoy the freedoms preserved by our men and women in uniform today that would never have the balls to do what your son is doing. You do not have to agree with the current conflicts to respect our brave men and women in uniform. There are people plotting evil against our nation and our friends every day and it takes people like your son to keep these evil doers in check. You will not be alone, every unit has a family support group to provide information to the families of deploying service men and women. Talk to them, just being able to talk to people in your same shoes may help. The US Army cares about every man and women that gets sent into harms way. I care about them too and my hat is off for your son and his pick to serve our grate nation. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:17:51 PM |
Enrolling in the army and learning how to kill other human beings will never be something that finds ANY encouragement nor any pride from my as a parent, ever.
This is a consequence, is it not?
I will explain them about their contract, the meaning of the engagement, and how a "reserve" is never really a reserve because the government can change the status anytime and force the person to go to other countries and actually kill other people. And how the government can change the laws or the war status and how reserve can become permanent, with you never having the chance to quit.
This is explaining to them the consequences of choosing this path, isn't it? | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:25:38 PM |
Enrolling in the army and learning how to kill other human beings will never be something that finds ANY encouragement nor any pride from my as a parent, ever. This is a consequence, is it not?
Encouragement and praise are used by some parents as positive reinforcement. I am only stating I will never do this in regards to learning to kill other human beings. Positive reinforcement and consequences are related, but aren't the same concept in parenting research.
This is explaining to them the consequences of choosing this path, isn't it?
Where did you ever read I advocated against telling a kid what their action's consequences would be?
It's a critical job for a parent to tell a kid what could happen as a result of their actions - and it's also a parent's job to only shield their kids partially from these natural consequences, so they can learn from their own mistakes. Finally, it is also part of the parent job to help kids own their action and find reparation to these. I am only advocating against the use of artificial consequences - a fancy word for punishment - as a way to "teach" them a valid lesson. But we are getting away from the thread topic - let's bring these interesting points into the "no punishment" thread, or privately if you prefer, rather than on this thread. Thanks :) | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:35:16 PM | Governments use our kids as cannon fodder.
If it was the politicians who had to fight on the front line there wouldnt be any wars !
My son is in the RAF but is a technician and doesnt see much action.
However they still get the odd rocket landing on their base. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/11/2009 11:11:05 PM | he needed to join the navy, most likey they would not be sent over there
right now my sister is doing a very boring job, but it needs to be done
I will pray for your son to make it out. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:59:46 AM | | I've been to afghanistan once and Iraq twice, make sure you write to him and send him care packages, and not just stuff for him send stuff for his buddies too. We feed off of each others emotions out there and if you can give your son moments of happiness he will pass it on to his buddies. Other than that as a parent there is nothing you can do but encourage him to do his best. We had one guy whose parents were angry that he got sent and it showed on his face and was just an extra burden for him to carry every day. Remember he is an adult with a job to do in defense of this country, give him something to fight for instead of something to worry about. Take care. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:38:16 AM | Afghanistan is a reasonably huge place, not as big as the states but a few times the size of the UK. we have all seen on the news that American and British troops are dying out there on a daily basis but remember that the news reports shock value news. its designed to instil a deep emotional response in those who don't know any better about the situation over there. Mountain, Rangers, Airborne, Royal Marine's... these are the boys who are over there in the firing line and its those who are suffering the loss's.
as Army National Guard Reserves, he will be serving his country in a less directly confrontational manner. he could be dealing with Civil affairs, serving with the MP's, Signalmen or Engineers, or maybe even helping out with Ordnance or Military Intelligence. while being Flanked by the best of the US and British Fighting troops he wont be in much danger.
I have several friends who are serving in the Royal Engineer's and are posted in Afghanistan. they love it. I hear from them its a great country, the locals are friendly, and its a lot more of a relaxed country than Iraq so things hard to obtain in Iraq are freely available. most importantly to an American lad about to turn 21, they have Alcohol (a sparse commodity in the stricter muslim regime of Iraq. not to say there is no danger. my frinds have said the base was attcked a couple of times, but never coming close to any real danger to the Civilians and Administration that your son will be working with. So dont panic to much as the time draws near. He's off to see the world, he will be seeing a country most of us will never get to see in our lifetime because of the war. and i expect you get excited emails every week keeping you informed of what he's been up to. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:02:49 AM | | having served in the military for 20 years its never easy to see a son or daughter deploy. However we have been at war for the last 8 yrs, You cant expect to get the benefits with out the risk associated. Keeping your son in contact with you is easier now then ever before just let him know you support his decision and you love him | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/24/2009 11:02:28 AM |
You cant expect to get the benefits with out the risk associated.
And what would be those benefits, exactly? | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/24/2009 11:46:26 AM | I'm a veteran and this post disturbs me. If it weren't for WAR we'd still be part of England and wouldn't have the rights we DO have. (I see those rights get smaller by the day, but we still have more than other countries) If it weren't for WWII we'd be speakinng German or Italian.
You don't want your child to learn to kill someone... so the Police force is out too. The only time I touched a rifle, was in basic training. As for the "brainwashing" I was a hellion til I went into the service. I grew up alot in the military. I grew up even more once I had kids...
If you don't support out service men and women, leave. To me, that is treason...
Lets do a quick poll... How many people that don't support or agree with our military support Obama completely? Just curiosity.... | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:28:38 PM |
emember he is an adult with a job to do in defense of this country, give him something to fight for instead of something to worry about.
Semper Fi. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/24/2009 2:57:46 PM |
If it weren't for WAR we'd still be part of England (...) If it weren't for WWII we'd be speakinng German or Italian. You are telling me you don't see the difference between a war to defend civil rights, resist an invasion or prevent a genocide, and an invasion war to secure oil?
If it weren't for WAR we wouldn't have the rights we DO have.
Do you think these rights supersedes the rights of non-US citizens... such as the rights not to be invaded and killed, for instance? Are the rights of US citizen equals to the rights of an Iraqi or Afghan citizen?
You don't want your child to learn to kill someone... so the Police force is out too. So you think the police's purpose is to learn to kill people?
If you don't support out service men and women, leave. Good thing I am a Canadian, then, isn't it? Not that I support anymore the current Canadian Government who is sending our troops to Afghanistan at the order to the USA. THat is not to say I don't support the troops. But they aren't being sent there to protect anybody, not the US people, and certainly not the Iraqi or Afghan people.
To me, that is treason... To me, the treason is to spend millions of dollars and resources in propaganda and false flag operations in order to justify illegal wars upon the pretext of "preemptive strike" against other sovereign nations , then send our young girls and boys (from the poorest family, incidentally) to fight a war that isn't their war, in order to get big billion $ contract to private corporations, while sucking up all the money from the economy and cutting all the funding from any social spending. THAT is treason.
Challenging the government and the industrial-military complex is an act of true patriotism and that's what the US second amendment was all about. | |
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| My worst fear.. go figure
Posted: 7/24/2009 3:06:41 PM | | ^^^ agreed, I am glad I do not have a child to be used as a weapon of this war. | |
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