| | what would you do?Page 1 of 1 | This is a question for a friend of mine. Please read this scenario..
She met a guy on plenty of fish a year ago. he lives quite near and is in the airforce. At the start he was a bit of a dodgy player, he was seeing other women but convinced my friend he only wanted her after finishing with his other woman.
Just recently they have been arguing a lot because he goes to scotland once a month to stay with his children. But my friend found out he had stayed with his ex-wife on holiday in the same caravan and when confronted he said that he didn't want his children to see their mum and dad not getting along. But he condems my friend for speaking to her ex-partner, the father of her child. While away on holiday with his ex-wife and kids for 6 days, he hardly spoke to my friend and when she got in touch with him he was blunt to the point of rudeness.
Plus, my friend's father died over 2 years ago and left her family some property. My friend is a single mum to two children. This man expects my friend to pay for everything, but he does it craftily so they went on holiday last month and he told her he'd forgotten his wallet after bringing very expensive items to the counter. My friend's brother told her that he'd seen her boyfriend routing through her bag making sure that she had her bank card on her before they left for the airport.
when he goes away with his job, he turns all his utilities off - gas, water, electricty. When he comes back some months later, he stays at my friends and doesn't even turn his utilities back on. And even uses his next door neighbour's water to fill up his pond. He also eats at my friend's house every night, without contributing anything towards the food etc, and complains about what she has cooked.
He never wants to take her children anywhere. He has no interest in them - he didn't even buy her 1 year old son a present or a card for his birthday, then made out that he'd "forgotten". He is always telling her 8-year old daughter off. My friend said it is like as though he'd go mad if they even breathed near him.
If he asks my friend to go out for the day, he doesn't want the children included.
One time my friend's little boy was ill and was asleep in the middle of the day, making my friend late over to his for dinner and he was so angry he didnt' speak to her for a week. and then she had to contact him first.
She has also found evidence of him saying to another woman on his facebook "nice picture, gorgeous very sexy" and when they were out recently he kept guarding his phone and going to the loo every few minutes, saying it was his brother texting.
At the beginning he kept constantly criticising my friend's hair and clothes etc, making her feel as though he wanted to change her. He has told her that her Mum is a walking heart attack because she smokes and she is over-weight. If my friend has to go and sort out some matters to do with the property her family rents out, he goes mad and asks her what is in it for her? Why should she drive to do these jobs. My friend's mother doesn't drive, so has no choice in the matter and after all, it is her family she is doing these things for.
He doesn't like her brother being round at the house and also makes her choose between her brother and him.
Despite all of this, my friend loves the man and wants it to work. She wanted me to post this to see if she really does need to kick him to the kurb... | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:16:07 AM | Oh yeah, other women and ex sex.
What a soap opera. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:18:13 AM | The man is a greedy, mean, unfaithful control freak - your friend, whoever she is, deserves much better. She certainly deserves to be treated with respect, which this guy is sadly lacking.
Buy your pal an electric prod, charge it to full, tell her to apply it to his gonads if he comes near her again. That should do the trick ;-) | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:19:18 AM | I'm sorry, what's the argument for *not* dumping him?
If your friend is blind to the beating she's taking, I hope you can at least convince her to see what she's doing to her kids -- showing them that *this* is the kind of adult relationship you should pursue in life.
She has an opportunity to show the kids now that when you're in a bad situation, you get yourself out of it. I hope she takes advantage. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:58:22 AM | Tell your friend to come with and volunteer at a battered women's shelter. He is worthless. But she is blinded by the emotional roller coaster. She isn't seeing what he is doing to her or her kids.
If you do anything directly to interfere she will cut you off and never forgive you. Some don't forgive even after they come to their senses and leave. He want you and everyone else to leave her so she has no choice.
I am sorry that you have to see this. I hope she can volunteer with you and see herself in the other women. No man is worth going through what she is ...
I would try to do this when he is out of the area. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:07:11 AM | this guy is obviously taking advantage of your friends low self esteem. was most of her past relationships like this? this is textbook doormat like behavior on her part.
stating the obvious, which is telling her to end this relationship, is probably NOT going to happen because she overlooks all the negatives and somehow can find some positives with this azzhat.
so other than tossing this leech, which she should definately do, she should also be worried about the father of her kids coming in and possibly fighting for custody. I know that if the mother of my kids allowed her kids to be treated this way, I would be documenting like crazy in order to take custody. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:18:20 AM | Your friend needs to give her head a shake. This man is a complete user and abuser, but at the end of the day nobody can use or abuse you without your consent.
Tell your friend to work on loving herself first before she gets into another relationship (after dumping this loser of course). If not for her sake, for her kids' sake. They will remember this and it will come back to haunt her when she needs them. Her primary job is protecting her kids and she's failing. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:21:29 AM | WhoTF cares what he does behind her back? that doesn't matter--its what he's doing IN FRONT OF HER that matters.
The criticism is disrespect. Disrespect is more than enough to dump a person. Period.
Unless you lack self respect. Your friend wants to make a bad situation work. Why? what is it she's really looking to get out of relationships? She isn't looking to share her life, she's looking for a chance to finally feel good about it. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 6:24:51 AM | leave him. She is getting played and she knows it. I dont understnd females that know whats going on but yet dont want to do much about it. If anyone I have been with treats my kids like that they would have been gone.
So she puts her needs above her kids nice friend you have there | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:22:12 AM | Is there anything nice to say about your friends man or is it ALL negative?
She wanted me to post this to see if she really does need to kick him to the kurb... .....How naive is your friend? | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:07:33 AM |
Despite all of this, my friend loves the man and wants it to work.
What a friggin nightmare. How can she love someone like that?
She wanted me to post this to see if she really does need to kick him to the kurb...
Nope, I think she should have his kids and really screw her life up beyond repair. 
What is good about being with this guy? What the hell is there to love about him?
He doesn't even sound like a nice person to even be friends with. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:27:21 AM | | What I would do is make a sort of 'highlight reel' of all the key points you mention. I would then list off all these traits and actions and ask them if that sounds even close to normal or desirable. It's pretty freaking obvious. Just like the girl who was getting abused but still loved him when he wasn't hitting her. I mean come on. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 11:56:55 AM | Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? cause it seems to me that you all like to slate people and point the finger at the innosent.
How about when people are in a abusive relationship....?
I forgot that everyone on here is so perfect ....else why else would you all be SINGLE? and clearly carnt find a proper relationship,they have to come on here to find one. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:22:39 PM | | I work in mental health and am continually amazed at the abuse women take at the hands of a man. When shes ready, when shes strong enough to stand on her own she will make the move, she lets him abuse her children, maybe only mentaly but it still counts. A child should never wonder if he or she is first in there mothers love, some things should be absolute. Support her while marveling at her indecision to remove this cancer from her life. you cant know the complexities of the human heart or whether she has a pattern of seeking abusers, hopefull she will learn sooner rather than later. A friends love and support is what she needs now. Good luck to you and to your friend. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:13:25 PM | This girl needs to get the F**K out and now. He is doing nothing but using her. He has money but would rather spend it on his wife and kids. Lay to ten to one she is not an Ex yet, if he told her that he didn't want his kids to not see MUM and DAD not getting along. Come off it. It is just a very bad trip and she needs to stop it now and kick his bum to the curb.
Her kids don't need to be seeing this either. Her 8 yr old is very impressionable and seeing how her mum is being used will way heavy on her and she will possibly only have men in her life that do the same thing. It is a proven fact that what kids see, is how they become. Young boys see their father hit their mom and they do one of two things. They go out and do the same to all the women in their life or they try to break the cycle. It doesn't always work.
This is the some of the worse abuse that can happen because it hurts the mind and soul of the person being hurt. It breaks their self esteem. They think that this is all that they should have so why try for anything else.
SHE IS BETTER THAN THAT!!! And you need to tell her that and have her brother and everyone else that you know of tell her as well.
PUT HIM OUT and the SOONER THE BETTER | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:38:04 PM | | Kick him to the curb? Pretend he never existed. Your friend in a friggen door mat. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:17:20 PM | Talk about a classic scenario! I can tell you in an instant what's going on here, but why should I? You already know.
This has gone way beyond the "serious red flags" stage and into the active abuse stage. Let me describe the abuse:
1. Criticism that is not warranted- this is to reduce, and eventually permanently cripple, your friend's self esteem so that she can easily be controlled.
2. Taking money from her- never give a man money unless you are already married and he has a right to ask for it (personal experience here). Yes, by the way, that works both ways- money should not be an issue- beyond who is paying for what on a date- until you are married.
3. Cheating- whether physically completing the act or not (and he likely is) the man is cheating. He is acting like he is single and completely unattached while expecting her to be "faithful" to an unnatural degree. This is a classic control tactic.
4. Most disturbing of all- he is trying to keep her as isolated as possible by interfering in her other relationships. This is so well known that it is almost the definition of an abusive relationship.
5. Cruelty to the children- NOT acceptable at any time, under any circumstances. He is showing signs that he can and will eventually beat these children and their mother. If I were the father of these children I would get custody immediately if she refuses to dump him once and for all. Any psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor will testify that the danger is very real and imminent.
Here is the point: He is keeping her on the defensive, constantly forcing her to accede to his demands or "risk losing him." He is doing all of the taking and none of the giving. This relationship is doomed to failure and it's best to end it right now.
I know that this is probably not going to be easy, but she needs to cut her losses before she loses everything- including herself.
Denise | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/11/2009 6:40:27 AM | Oh come on fishey4men.....Get real. Read what was written.
Take it from someone who HAS been in an abusive relationship. The best thing to do is get OUT of it. When the first signs appear 
I forgot that everyone on here is so perfect ....else why else would you all be SINGLE? and clearly carnt find a proper relationship,they have to come on here to find one. .....Is this the 'other' persona of you speaking? Are YOU not on here or is it just my imagination?
This entire thread has told us all that this guy is a loser.....Who would stay with such a guy?.....YES You guessed right .....another loser. | |
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| what would you do?
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:46:20 AM | Well, if i was him and had a rich-ish girlfriend, i wouldn't be an idiot like him that is for sure.
But if i was her, i would dump his ass and find someone else that would contribute, i know i can be a lazy sod sometimes, but i would help out with the food at the very least, especially if i ate some of it.
But even if i had a girlfriend i would respect her and if she turned out to be one hell of a rich one, i would do what i could to keep her in my life.
If he is in the airforce, they pay quite abit, depending on what he does, so he should be able to afford his own stuff, but he is one hell of a cheap ass sod. | |
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