| Has this happened to anyone before?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:59:21 AM | Has this happened to anyone before?
I know this might sound rare for a guy, but My last girlfriend, I was with her for almost three years and "I believed we were in love". She said that she loved me and I said I loved her and we even discussed marriage. We did almost everything together. See, I'm a giver and a people pleaser. After she began to put her guard down, I could see she was a taker. She became extremely abusive both verbally and physically. I tried everything to make it work but no matter what I tried, she loved to scream and argue. I finally got to the point where I had to let her go. That was probably the hardest thing I think I ever had to do. I know that doesn't make sense. You're probably asking, "If she treated you so bad, why'd you hold on for so long?" The answer is "I don't know". The truth is, is that I am a giver, and a giver has to be paired with another giver in order to live...not survive...but truly live, because if there are two givers, then neither one will ever be left out. A friend told me about this site and said " You deserve someone truly wonderful". I guess I'm just trying to find another giver so that I can show her what we've both been missing. | |
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| Has this happened to anyone before?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:31:04 AM | I cant relate more to you then what you said about a giver needing a giver... Being like you i can fully understand what youve been going through and ive dealt with it time and time again. The only thing i can really recommend is what has worked for me and that's your good friends " not your beer buddy or workout buddy" Your real , true , honest friends that you couldnt live without.
They wont take advantage of you and they wont put you through all the drama that a intimate relationship will. They became your friends for a reason, so follow them and maybe a friend of a friend of a friend may come along ... who knows.
You just need to know when to be a giver and when not to be... its a tough call, but if " she" loves you she wont care if you say no. | |
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| Has this happened to anyone before?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:06:56 PM | | I know what you mean about being the "giver" that is taken advantage of...it's painful and not an easy thing to get over. Doubt that I'm the giver you are looking for but I do feel your pain, anguish and frustration, it's a hard road to walk sometimes. | |
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| Has this happened to anyone before?
Posted: 7/10/2009 2:46:58 PM | She became extremely abusive both verbally and physically. she loved to scream and argue.
They like to test you.
See if you`ll stand up for yourself and put them in their place and make them back down.
They get off on it. They need it from you.
Some are more extreme than others but they ALL do it, every last one of them.
Even the loverly givers.
The more extreme she is the more dominant a man she needs you to be.
You have the look of a somewhat dominant man. For your age, anyhow.
You`re tall (6`0") she was quite sure you were powerful and dominant but when you wouldnt prove it she dug deeper (went crazy on you) to try and get you to make her back down.
But you didnt.
You were both just unevenly matched and not each others type.
She`ll end up with an abuser.
Do not be fooled, into thinking this is no good for her; deep down inside she`ll feel right at home.
Not that he`s going to stuff her head into the ground anyways. She`ll provoke him, he`ll stomp her feelings and self esteem.
Then they`ll screw like rabbits.
Been there, done that.
You are very insightful for your age. You know who you are and where you belong.
Good on you!
Go and find yourself a giver my friend. You already know this is your destiny. | |
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| Has this happened to anyone before?
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:28:55 PM | I you are a GIVER, the worse that can happen to you is to pair up with a taker. I just learned this the hard way.
OMG.
I just lost my lover of little over one year, totally a taker...I wouldn't give him big things but surely very thoughtful and special things and gestures. Ots of them and all the time. Tokens really.
He never did anything special really. But he made me happy with some good company.
Tragedy struck my family, maybe I called him 5-7 times to share my pains and troubles.
He decided he didn't want to be with me anymore because he had his own issues and didn't want me to drag him into my family drama!!!
I was shocked to see how selfish and self centered people you love can be, and worse part is we do not notice it, until it is too late. The worse part is they are like this to everyone but they expect to be special to others...
Just be happy she is out of your way...you need to find someone caring and not selfish like her. You will save yourself from a massive heartbreak...
I am hurting but at least I know he is someone else burden, not mine. What a relief!
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| Has this happened to anyone before?
Posted: 7/10/2009 6:48:05 PM | OP, based on your short description, it sounds like your ex-GF may have strong traits of an affliction called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If so, you can find an excellent answer to the question "if she treated you so bad, why'd you hold on for so long?" The answer is clearly explained at BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It clearly describes what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning BPD. Another excellent description is at curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=780158.
In a nutshell, you will find that a woman with strong BPD traits has no stable self-image or ego. Hence, when she is attracted to you, she will mirror your personality, taking on your likes and dislikes -- giving you the impression you have met your "soul mate." That behavior, together with her extremely passionate nature, creates a heavenly honeymoon period lasting about six months, at which point she will begin to "put her guard down," as you say. That is, the verbal abuse starts and it is so unpredicatable (being triggered by harmless comments you make) that you feel you are always walking on eggshells. Because such a woman was abused or abandoned in childhood, she has a deep hurt that makes her unhappy and creates a strong need for drama.
The result is that, as your relationship progresses, she increasingly resents you due to your inability to fix her and make her happy. Indeed, nothing you do will be appreciated for more than two weeks. Instead, it will always be "what have you done for me lately?" But, of course, you did not know it was impossible to "fix her." So, after the six-month "honeymoon" ended, you spent another two and one-half years trying to return to that glorious period by making her happy, i.e., fixing her. (Don't feel too bad -- I tried for 16 years, all to no avail.)
At this point, it is important to recognize that the codependent (i.e., people-pleaser) aspects of your personality make you a sitting duck for other women with strong BPD traits. Like I said above, the first six months is so passionate it is intoxicating. There is a real danger, then, that you will be sucked into another BPD relationship if you don't take the time to learn how to identify the nine BPD traits. I therefore urge you to explore the websites cited above. Two other good sites are BPDCentral.com and bpd411.org. Best of luck to you! | |
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