| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:50:19 PM | Alright, my girlfriend and I have been going out for quite a while and we've fallen in love. But there are a few things about our relationship that bother me and make me wonder. I was hoping to get an opinion on these things if I should worry or not. Just so everyone knows, I have had a tendency to overanalyze things so maybe that's the case here I don't know...but here it goes:
Ok first of all she has trust issues because of her one serious ex said he'd always be there but obviously left. And he left her for a girl he met at his work. Since he'd deployed to the Navy but I think he's back now...a few months back she got a text from him saying that he missed her or something but she said she hated him and thought he was an a-hole and didn't respond. As for the trust issue, when I tell her I wanna be with her forever and always, she says she believes me but still has doubts creep up from the past. I've been working on trying to convince her, I even gave her my virginity in hopes that it would convince her, and a ring...she said it helped but didn't fully get rid of those feelings (they did it too and he gave her a ring he found...I bought her one though). What more can I do to convince her?
Also going along with that guy, she talks about him sometimes, like he never did this or compares us sometimes...she also had said a few times "let's go egg his house" or something to that effect. It kinda bothers me she talks about him like that...or is comparing me to some player (and from what I've heard and seen I KNOW he is one) and I'm not like that.
As for a few other signs, she says she wants to get married and have a family...we have said this on NUMEROUS occasions, a while back I asked her "do you think that if we wern't both in college, like we'd met in the future we'd be married by now" and she said yes. We were joking earlier today saying "I wish our anniversary was tomorrow" (we celebrate for the months lol, little childish but fun and something to do) and I was like "yeah, but if it was possible I wish our wedding day was tomorrow" just kinda kidding and she was like "no...you can't get married after knowing each other for only this long" but a while back she said we would have...I don't get it and even when we're kidding she's like "no" unless she was kidding in that sense meaning yes. Is she having second thoughts and just doesn't want to tell me...or what?
One thing too is that I told her that she's the love of my life because I believe she is, there's something different about her, I see her in a different way than anyone else and I don't look at others the same at all anymore...those that I used to find attractive I really don't anymore, nobody seems to compare. But anyways, I digress. I told her that and she said it made her feel happy and sad. I was like "what, why sad" and she said that nobody ever told her that before. WHAT? I tell you that and you're happy I did but at the same time sad nobody else ever said it? I just didn't get that one can someone explain.
And another example, we're setting up a day to get together, I suggest Monday or Tuesday...she says Tuesday and I ask why that day. She says Monday is too soon. Well you'd have to know us but we're already miss each other later in the night. In fact later in that convo she said she wanted me to come over now because she missed me.
Just overall I say I love you and so does she but I don't know, she looks like she means it but I feel like she can't fully open up and trust me because of her past, I think that's what the problem is...I try so hard to help her believe me and she says she does but still has doubts here and there. Sometimes I got the feeling that maybe she's just settling for me. I don't know. But when we talked later in the night, she said she missed me already and loved me.
I just don't understand, I say really nice things to her, from the heart and she just kinda smiles and doesn't say it back or maybe just the standard I love you which is nice but ya know...or sometimes if she does something I might get mad at or something, she's like "I love you" as if it's a get out of jail free card or something...or we have rings and if I have a problem but don't wanna talk about it, she says "C'mon tell me" and if I don't after a little bit she then like starts to take the ring off until I tell her...I don't know if she's just playing around or what...I'd also like a cute romantic saying like that but I rarely get one, just the I love you standard...which I do like to hear but you know, spice it up a little sometimes...
There are so many things in our relationship that have happened that led me to believe 100% without a shadow of a doubt she's the one I've been looking for, but I get the feeling sometimes that she doesn't think so...even though she says to me a lot that she wants to be with me forever and she really really loves me. I don't understand, do I have the problem or is it that maybe she does love me but because of her past she isn't fully giving herself to the relationship...I'm guessing that she wants it to work but because of her past she's not giving her whole self to it just in case...but I don't think that's really fair because I gave her everything I could, the gift you can only give once I gave to her...what more can I do to either get over this feeling or help her to believe me?
One last point is that I have to cut her a little slack as her parents are going through a seperation right now, kind of a nasty one at that...so maybe that has something to do with it but I'm always there for her to talk to and I've given her as much help as I can.
What's your take on this whole situation?
I definitely get more good moments than bad but I guess it's my overanalyzation again that notices these little things...I probably don't have anything to worry about but I just love her so much the thought of losing her hurts so much!
Basically I'm asking: How do I help her get over those trust issues from her past? Should I be concerned she's having second thoughts about us but just doesn't wanna tell me? Is this all in my head? | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:19:59 AM | | OP It sounds like you've really been analyzing it a lot lately. I can somewhat relate to that. I get the impression that when you & her are joking around, you tend to sometimes take it to seriously &/or get confused by it. Also when you try to communicate from your heart with her & all she says is "I Love You", maybe that is all she is capable of telling you rite now. What I mean by that is maybe she's not that good at communicating her feelings in the method that you do/want. I'm defiantly not saying it's bad or anything but it could just be slightly different that's all. I also have a theory that maybe you could be to worried about lossing her so much that you are reading waaay to much into certain things. I have an idea (mite be crazy) but you could maybe try talking to her about setting a wedding date, it does NOT have to be anytime soon but having more things planned may help. It would be best if you bring that up very subtly if at all. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:38:26 AM |
OP It sounds like you've really been analyzing it a lot lately. I can somewhat relate to that. I get the impression that when you & her are joking around, you tend to sometimes take it to seriously &/or get confused by it. Also when you try to communicate from your heart with her & all she says is "I Love You", maybe that is all she is capable of telling you rite now. What I mean by that is maybe she's not that good at communicating her feelings in the method that you do/want. I'm defiantly not saying it's bad or anything but it could just be slightly different that's all. I also have a theory that maybe you could be to worried about lossing her so much that you are reading waaay to much into certain things. I have an idea (mite be crazy) but you could maybe try talking to her about setting a wedding date, it does NOT have to be anytime soon but having more things planned may help. It would be best if you bring that up very subtly if at all.
I think you might be right...I do tend to overanalyze things and maybe sometimes I take things too seriously, I just need to chill. She has told me in the past she isn't that good with words, that could be it. Well as for a wedding date, we've stated that right out of college we wanna get married which is in a few years...so we kinda have, just not an exact date. But I'd also like to say thanks for posting, people were saying the answer should be obvious, well if I knew I wouldn't have posted, just wanted other's opinions and I think you hit the nail on the head pretty well with it. Thanks again! | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:57:39 AM | | Glad I could help & like I've said, I can kind of relate to over-analyzing & sometimes it helps to hear/see it in a different angle. Also it mite be a good idea to focus on other things in the relationship instead of words sometimes too like a hug or kiss can go along way if your both savoring the moment. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:24:58 AM | If her parents are going through a separation she's bound to wonder whether you two will actually make it.
You sound very intense. She could have difficulty with that. If you say a little less about your feelings, you might find she's able to say a little more. I was once married to a man who put me under pressure to say loving and romantic things - that suppressed my feelings and I couldn't tell him anything at all.
Women talk about things that are worrying them, but that doesn't mean they've got a problem they want a man to fix, so stop trying to find a way to help her "get over her problems" or "help her to believe" you. Next time she talks about her ex, just give her a big hug and tell her you realise it was difficult for her. Don't say anything about your own feelings or try to convince her you're not like him. You'll be surprised by how much difference you can make simply by doing this.
In my opinion, it's you who has the problem with trust. You're unable to trust that she's a loving, caring person who wants to be with you. My advice is to lighten up and just enjoy being with her. Being on the receiving end of so much pressure can be difficult to take and you could drive her away in the end. She's agreed to marry you, so just let go and trust her. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:33:48 AM | If her parents are going through a separation she's bound to wonder whether you two will actually make it.
You sound very intense. She could have difficulty with that. If you say a little less about your feelings, you might find she's able to say a little more. I was once married to a man who put me under pressure to say loving and romantic things - that suppressed my feelings and I couldn't tell him anything at all.
Women talk about things that are worrying them, but that doesn't mean they've got a problem they want a man to fix, so stop trying to find a way to help her "get over her problems" or "help her to believe" you. Next time she talks about her ex, just give her a big hug and tell her you realise it was difficult for her. Don't say anything about your own feelings or try to convince her you're not like him. You'll be surprised by how much difference you can make simply by doing this.
In my opinion, it's you who has the problem with trust. You're unable to trust that she's a loving, caring person who wants to be with you. My advice is to lighten up and just enjoy being with her. Being on the receiving end of so much pressure can be difficult to take and you could drive her away in the end. She's agreed to marry you, so just let go and trust her.
Thanks that helped a lot also. It just hurts when she can't believe me completely when I'm being totally truthful. I'm just kind of a romantic by nature...I'm also a writer so that kinda makes saying stuff like that easy for me. I think you're right too that I should just stop over-analyzing and believe it will happen because that's what I'm asking her to do in a sense is to simply believe me, so I should do the same. Thanks also for your input.
Glad I could help & like I've said, I can kind of relate to over-analyzing & sometimes it helps to hear/see it in a different angle. Also it mite be a good idea to focus on other things in the relationship instead of words sometimes too like a hug or kiss can go along way if your both savoring the moment.
We do that too...just focus on other aspects, kissing for us is VERY intense, half time time we kiss for a few seconds and we're already breathless...another reason I know she's the one because that never happened before! | |
|
| |
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:49:41 AM | You sound like a nice guy and she sounds like she is still in love with the one who hurt her. Pay attention to the feelings you have when she is not responding to you the same way.
While you think she is the one, please take your time before getting married to a woman with trust issues and a residual of feelings for another guy. When she suggested egging his house, that should have given you a clue.
When a person is over their ex, they no longer care about revenge or feel the need to discuss them anymore.
Good luck. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:53:52 AM | | look, you're still a"wet behind the ears kid"..19....with todays world...chances are you won't be together in 5 years, not saying it can't happen but you are still way too young! you should not even be thinking of marriage untill you are at least 25, and don't even think about children, talking of children at this age is very dangerous...one you cannot undue, and it will follow you for the next 18 years....analyse that!!! | |
|
| |
| |
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:10:31 PM | Honey, don't try that hard, you are going to age far too quickly.
Look if you want to get married and she's the one you should be able to say this is what I am feeling and she should let you know how she is feeling.
I don't think you need to help her with trust issues, because you can't. She needs to talk to someone about them.
I'd hold off on the marriage until she get's her head on straight, its not going to be nice to be married to someone who may or may not be in love with you. Marriage is hard, so walking in with problems like that will make it even harder. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/11/2009 2:14:59 PM | You're 19...form your profile. Also "do you think that if we wern't both in college"...you're in school.
How about both you finish school and see where that leads you first, before thinking about marriage? Or...thinkn about it...but don't do it until after graduation. Who knows? You or her may have a job offer that you find intreging...but can't take because your partner doesn't want to go? Or has an offer elsewheres?
Sure...a steady GF is great to have...and you can help her...but don't toss in your whole offeing all at once!
give it time....work on developing yourself...and help her develope. Both of you will help mold the other....and in a few years...perhaps sooner...you may find you actually could stand one another for the long term! Or...you may find that "thing" that bugs you all to heck and you can't get over it and want to scream your head off every time you sense it!
Compromise is the foundation of a relationship...communications is the key....build well and solidly....and you will have somehting that may last you a lifetime. Hurry the work and do a shoddy job...expect leaks!
Good luck. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/13/2009 5:59:15 PM | Ahem.... ummmm... how about.... you... grow up?
Saying things like "I love you" and crap is meaningless when you force it into this little game of house you've got going. You're a kid... and from the sounds of this, and all your other ones whining about this girl, you're a pretty uptight analretentive kid. Stop trying to speed life up. Take a breath and stop attempting to mould everything to some idealised hollywood movie. One question. Is this girl younger than you? I get the feeling 17 at most....
Trying to grow up is a big mistake my friend.... life will age you like a fine wine whatever you do.
cheers | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:09:40 PM |
Basically I'm asking: How do I help her get over those trust issues from her past? Should I be concerned she's having second thoughts about us but just doesn't wanna tell me? Is this all in my head?
dudes, you're the rebound guy! and stop throwing around the 'L' word so early. And slow you're roll & don't over analyze. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:17:39 PM | My take is that you're 19 and that's far too young to be doing and saying these things with someone who is also this young while you're still both in college and clueless about what life and your future holds. You're making way adult choices at a way immature level - which shows in not only how you tell us of what the two of you do and say, and it shows in how you communicate with us. This is a young, first love situation, you've given her your virginity, your heart, and you're still looking for ways to "persuade" her that you REALLY REALLY love her. That's young. And foolish. Because it's how so many many many people - do something rash - like marrying someone when they're too young to marry - and they really do not know that other person at all.
Please - please, slow things way down and take a step back from the charms you see in this young woman and ask - are you really ready to mess up your future, your education, your life by making these kinds of statements to someone you have only JUST met? | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:18:09 PM | I stopped at "what more can I do to convince her?"
I have a son your age, and I'm going to tell you the exact same thing I told him: There is NOTHING you can do to convince her. Nothing, do you hear me? You can buy her stuff, make her promises, give her the moon, and nothing YOU do is going to change the way SHE feels, especially when the feelings she's having, have nothing to do with YOU.
These feelings of insecurity she has are HER problem, not yours. SHE is the only person who can do the SELF-work it's going to take her to get past it. If she thinks you are supposed to "make her all better," your relationship is doomed from day one.
I hate to say this, but it doesn't sound like she feels the same way about you. I don't know if that's because of her issues or if it's because it sounds like you've almost become clingy and she's backing away from that. Again, there's nothing you can do for her, nothing you can buy for her, nothing at all that you can do to change HER feelings.
Please don't make the mistake it took me 18 years to figure out. YOU are not responsible for the happiness of another person, we are all responsible for our OWN happiness. You. Can. Not. Fix. Her. People who expect someone else to "make" them happy will NEVER be satisfied. People who spend half their life TRYING to make someone happy will never succeed. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:39:06 PM | We can empathize with your pain, but you both are much too young to even be considering marriage at this time. You both need to finish school first, and maybe live life a little bit too. Everything is intense right now because she was your "first", but lust does not equal love and too many young people confuse the two.
You need to slow down and take a breathe. What's your hurry? If the two of you are meant to be, you will be...but maybe that time just isn't right now. Maybe she's not really ready for anything more yet (with anyone, not just you). And yes, if her parents are going through a nasty separation, that's definitely going to be affecting her on a daily basis. The last thing she needs is an insecure boyfriend who's overly needy and hovering over her all the time.
You both need to take little breaks from each other once in awhile. There's also a possibility she could still be hung up on this other guy, but doesn't want to admit it. There's a fine line between love and hate.
There's really no advice we can offer except to back off a bit every once in awhile and make sure you have your own life apart from her. If you wrap your entire existence up in her, you're going to lose yourself. | |
|
| Is she serious/settling/confused or what? Is it me?
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:54:05 PM | | It sounds like she still has feelings for her ex. All you can do is give it time, or dump her. It is your choice. If she cheats on you, then dump her. Otherwise, just give space to her and be patient. But don't take any crap. | |
|
Home
login 
