| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:04:15 PM | I have noticed that many men in this age group have a very hard time apologizing. One man I recently broke up with told me that he always apologized in his marriage and therefore has a hard time with it now. I don't find him unusual. I have had more round and round and round discussions with men who I feel have upset me who will minimize or deny my feelings. They'll say- I wasn't being insensitive. I didn't talk down to you. I didn't patronize you.
I have a pretty think skin, I'm pretty self-confident so I don't readily feel put down. But I do know when I'm being patronized. I try to explain to these men that if their words and actions made me feel this way, then that is my reality. To just deny it is ego-centric. I find men in this age group to be highly defensive. It makes it very difficult to discuss issues with them.
If you upset somebody and they call you on it, do you try to see it from their perspective and tell them you'll try to be more sensitive the next time. Or do you tell them that you don't agree with their perception and it's their thing to deal with. The latest situation we sat in my car for an hour while I tried to explain to this man that denying my feelings is disprespectful. he finally said he would not apologize. I told him to get out and I drove away (he was a 10 min walk from his home).
I'd like some views on this. Thanks | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:21:27 PM | I understand your feelings. I went though something similar with my marriage. He NEVER said he was sorry. But, I started to recognize that he would do and say things to show he was contrite. I chose to decide that that would have to be enough. I don't know why he was like that, I'm sure there was a reason from his past.
I also have since learned that no one can MAKE us feel one way or another. We can choose to feel that way or not. Yes, I KNOW that is a difficult concept and one that I might have to work on for the rest of my life.
Most of the time when I am feeling angry or upset about something that was said to me, I think back to when I first felt that. Usually, it WAS something from my childhood, something that I could not change but also had no emotional resources to protect myself from it. It used to take me awhile to work through that process but now, many times I can do it quite quickly and resolve how I'm feeling and then deal with the situation.
Once I understand that, I can choose to stay angry, choose to state how I feel, choose whether to stay with that person if he doesn't understand and continues to do whatever it was that upset me.
An aside: In movies, I've heard it said to men, "Never explain, Never apologize. " Hmm, so is that where it's coming from?? | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:25:33 PM | You find it difficult to discuss issues with men because you find them defensive.
Hmmmmm. I think most men or women get defensive when they are attacked verbally or accused of something or given an ultimatum.
If you sat in the car an hour, while you did all the explaining (I am reading your post here) he didn't get in his point of view or a word.
Most people don't like being "called out" or having to apologize for something they don't think they need to apologize for.
I don't think I have enough info here to conclude anything other than how childish it was to put someone out of the car and make them walk because they won't say "Sorry, you are right I am wrong.
Am I missing something or not understanding your words? | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:35:14 PM |
An aside: In movies, I've heard it said to men, "Never explain, Never apologize. " Hmm, so is that where it's coming from??
That quote reminds that after Henry Ford 2nd was caught by the press cheating on his wife he said "don't complain, don't explain" .
OP, you kicked this guy out of your car and made him walk home? For shame, I hope you'll apologize to him when you see him next. 
If you upset somebody and they call you on it, do you try to see it from their perspective and tell them you'll try to be more sensitive the next time. Or do you tell them that you don't agree with their perception and it's their thing to deal with.
I'll listen to their perspective and if need be, explain my intent was misinterpreted. Then I'll apologize, not for my actions but rather for the reaction my actions caused. How's that for a weasely guy response? (I know, get out of the car, pay no attention to the gale force winds, the 40 degree temperature, and the pounding rain. Just start walking .... where's Nancy Sinatra when I need her? These boots are made for walking...........) | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:55:42 PM | | I think it's tough for some of the Boomer men to say "I'm sorry, I screwed up". I don't think any of us look forward to apologizing and being accountable for our actions. I can't say with certainty that it's an "age" or "gender" thing, rather it is a "person" thing. There are those incapable of apologizing or owning up to their screwups. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:01:08 PM | He did not say sorry...because he lost interest in you.
No man likes a woman without smile...perhaps only for few minutes...but not for one hour...
You know...la donna e mobile...
Anyway...even he was guilty...the truth is always relative... | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:02:30 PM |
...we sat in my car for an hour while I tried to explain to this man that denying my feelings is disprespectful.
if someone tried that with me, i wouldn't take it for an hour.
there are better ways to make your point - and real men DO apologize when they are in the wrong. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:12:51 PM | Oh really now - women don't like saying they are sorry either. It's a people thing, not a gender related problem. I have never meant anyone who liked saying they made a mistake, or did something wrong. Mature people accept the fact that they are human and therefor flawed and capable of making an error.
Trying to force someone to admit to a mistake will never work. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:17:51 PM | Hi Northern,
The men in my life have no problem with saying "I'm Sorry" however in all honestly I can't remember the last time I heard it..
Look for a man that is more sensitive and thinks before he speaks.. This entire ordeal sounds like much to much drama to my ears..
Just curious of anyone has ever told you that you might be over reacting? I must admit I sometimes I can over react to things myself. However when I do I usually go quiet and think why is this happening and try to stop myself from doing it..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 5:06:38 PM | | Again as has been said over and over and over and over, "MEN" are all different, if you notice similarities in the men you date it is because those are the type of men you pick and like. If you didn't like those kind of men you wouldn't keep picking them, so before you start arguing about the kinds of men you like, remember that there really are all different kinds of men, but you keep going out with the same type. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 5:30:15 PM | Of course none of you have context. We have history here. I felt good that I told him to get out of my car. He drew a line in the sand. And I didn't talk for an hour- WE talked for an hour. Sometimes, you get to a point in the relationship where the principle becomes important. And no, I will not be apologizing to him for telling him to get out of my car. I should have told him that a long time ago.
My husband never apologized and that was a big issue. It was always me- as it is with this man. I'm glad I stood up for myself. When someone says I refuse to apologize and they value the relationship or friendship so little..... it's time to let them go. And if you're wrong or the relationship is at risk, then empathy requires you to see it from the other person's perspective. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 5:38:13 PM | I'm not so sure this is a guy thing. I don't think gender has to anything with someone's ability to say they are sorry.
As for me, when I am wrong, I will admit it and if I feel I stepped on someones toes, especially a loved one, If I inadvertently hurt them, insulted them or if I did anything to offend them, I will readily say I'm sorry..and mean it.
And yes, sometimes just to keep peace, or gain harmony, I've said I'm sorry when deep down I know I did nothing wrong.
In my last relationship, it was her that I think has a problem for saying she was sorry. In three years, it was rare to ever hear it. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 5:39:19 PM | | OY...op....my ex mother-out-law...would rather eat dirt that admit she was wrong and apologize....and I don't think that gender makes this point...there's lots of people...men and women....who cannot say I'm sorry....I'm sorry to say!!! | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 6:01:13 PM |
I'd like some views on this. Thanks You're adept at taking offense as a way of browbeating men into emotional compliance, is my take on it.  | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 6:48:55 PM | I don't think you're getting what some posters are trying to say, OP.
Granted, your feelings are "your reality," but if I don't believe I said or did anything "wrong," there's no way I'm going to apologize for saying or doing whatever. I might say I'm sorry you're upset, but that's about it. And if your "feelings" of being slighted somehow, in your world, must take precedence of my "feelings" of not having done anything wrong, tough. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 6:58:17 PM |
Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
I'm always willing to admit when I'm wrong and honestly never have had a problem saying I'm sorry. The whole thing is, that if "I'm Sorry" is used too many times, its like "crying wolf". So I do try to use careful judgment when I say "I'm sorry". When you say "I'm Sorry" its like freeing your mind. It can be a good feeling to say "I'm Sorry". | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:02:08 PM | | why should we apologize because you"decide" we did something wrong? can you say "drama queen"? obviously you think that your feelings are the only ones that count. kicking someone out of the car because you got your panties in a knot is the height of immaturity. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:03:39 PM | the possible mercies of each to each other are endless.
unfortunately also the obverse.
i'd say, OP, if it's possible, to let the sting fade... you still sound really hurt and anguished. a relationship usually isn't worth it if both people won't try to reach around the wall.
JMO | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:12:32 PM | I always apologise if I feel I was wrong or if it was pointed out to me.
My ex husband did not think he was ever wrong which is why we are divorced today................
Men can be very arrogant. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:26:40 PM | I find these posts fascinating, especially those from people who feel I have no right to feel what I feel. If I ever caused anybody to be offended,my first reaction would be to apologize for having caused somebody to think I didn't care about them or their feelings. but the posts who say I have the issue- thank you. It reinforces my sense that some people really lack empathy, are very judgemental and my guy was in that camp. And that I did the right thing. Because he, and the posters, do not have the capacity for empathy and self-reflection- which is all about being accountable and accepting that what we think is ok is not okay to others. And their reality is vitally important if we want relationships with others.
Mature people don't assume that there is only one way of looking at things. And people without ego are able to put themselves aside and care about others. All the posters who condemn me clearly cannot do that. Thank you. I know I made the right decision here. You've been helpful. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:39:33 PM | Over the last decade or two, as we have been learning to take responsibility for our reactions to others and their actions, we saw an opportunity to stop acknowledging that our actions do have effects on others.
So now, instead of saying, "I'm sorry I slapped you across the face" we say, "I'm sorry if you felt pain when I slapped your face." The slap-ee in this case would have said, in the good old days, "hey, you hurt me when you slapped me across the face." Nowadays, since you are not supposed to impute intention to another but take responsibility for your own feelings, you say, "when you slapped me across the face, I felt sad because my cheek was throbbing with pain." (No doubt the next step will be to completely obliterate the agent of the slapping from such a statement: when there was a slap across my face . . . I was sad . . . )
Yes, I have noticed that people neglect to own their behavior and its completely predictable effects on others. To be sure, there are plenty of times when the effects of our actions on others are unpredictable and unintentional and in those times it is right and good to separate action from effect. If you felt threatened by my hypothetical example of a slap across the face, I'm sorry you felt that way. I didn't intend this to be threatening, only as an example of the decline in our ability to offer real apologies. But it would be wrong of me to start telling you that you didn't or shouldn't feel threatened. That would be disrespectful. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:44:04 PM | | Princess: Isn't it crazy. In this age of I'm ok, you're ok, everyone is free of responsibility as we are all supposedly responsible for our own feelings- which leaves all the jerks off the hook. So they don't do anything wrong- it's just us not accepting our responsibility for our feelings. So how crazy is that. So you're ok- it's just that I'm not! | |
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