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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > how soon for new relationship after death of partner      Home login  
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 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 1
how soon for new relationship after death of partnerPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
my friend's father died 6 months ago after a long struggle with cancer.
he had a loving partner for the last 10 years of his life. she brought him a lot of happiness and they were always having fun together.

my friend is extremely upset because her father's partner has now met a new love interest. she thinks it is far to soon after the death of her father for this woman to start afresh with a new man.
this woman was always very close to the 2 daughters of her partner. she probably feels the girls would be happy for her, no matter she has a new man.

i suggested to my friend that maybe she is being a bit mean to want to deny this women another chance at happiness even if it's only 6 months since her dad's passing. i don't think anyone would measure up, for her, as a replacement for her dad so she probably would resent anyone in the future also. i thinks she feels the memory of her dad is being betrayed.

my question is.....how long should someone wait after the death of a partner before
starting a new relationship.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 2
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 7:31:54 PM
There is no right answer to that question.

I know my late husband wanted me to have someone right away because he loved me enough to want me to be happy. However, practically both the daughters and the partner are still grieving and this is going to be a difficult time for all three of them.
There is a good chance that the partner will realize it is too soon for her, hopefull without hurting the new man.
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 3
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 7:50:20 PM
The Roches - Maid of the Seas


I wanted to take your face in my hands and kiss you on the mouth
At the funeral
There was a quake in the place where love demands to be noticed and found out
Making you beautiful
I turned myself away from you in shame
Wanting these sensations to go back from where they came
When the Maid of the Seas whispered to me in the breeze
She said sex is the opposite of death
It's alright child it's natural it's wild
It's just the life force and you can use it
You won't abuse it Enjoy yourself she said
Take my husband to bed

I couldn't keep my mind on the preacher standing by the casket
Where she lay
I couldn't weep entwined like some creature with a wish and I ask it
Please go away
Shock and grief follow death
And I feel guilty that I still draw breath
When the Maid of the Seas whispered to me in the breeze
She said sex is the opposite of death
It's the rule it's natural stay cool
It's just the life force you gotta love it
You're not above it Enjoy yourself she said
Take my husband to bed
 *Starstuff*
Joined: 6/16/2009
Msg: 4
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 7:53:46 PM
For some people 10 years of grieving is not enough, some a few months if good. There are so many variables involved.

My father-in-law (65 at the time) started to date six months after his wife (my mother-in-law) died. Some of the family was a little upset about it but my former husband and I were happy for him. Even though all the children were grown and with children of their own, the daughter (who was in her early 30s) had the toughest time with this.

He had been married for about 40 years. His wife had been ill on and off all during the marriage, all her life really. She had a degenerative liver disease. Her last few years had been tough for both of them.

He remarried less than 2 years later. She was a wonderful woman who was very nice to all his family as he was nice to hers and they had over 15 years together and were very happy all that time. He passed away a year ago at 82.

 bwana217
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 5
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:03:08 PM
I voted "don't delete" because widowhood is different from divorce.

The recovery time is usually less than for divorce or breakup. Maybe 2 years is about average.
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 6
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:31:36 PM
maybe i should have asked.....

is it hard to remain friends with daughter/son in-law after the death of their parent if you start to date again?

maybe some details of your private life shouldn't be divulged to those children.....
 hereIgoagain2009
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 7
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:40:27 PM
I waited 2 years after my husband died before going out on dates. And I was being set up by my husband's sisters. I think 6 months is too early.
 Libby55
Joined: 11/14/2008
Msg: 8
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 9:18:06 PM
Statistically, the better the marriage was, the more often people begin a new relationship and the longer the first marriage, the shorter the mourning period. For many people married over 40 years with a loving relationship, the next marriage will occur within that first year after the death. Not so suprisingly, the new spouse is often in some way connected to the original family. An old family friend, someone from a support group, or even an old romantic interest from the school period is a likely candidate as the next spouse. It is not uncommon for people suffering long term illness to pick out and start the ball rolling for the next relationship for the surviving spouse. I have seen successful next marriages occur within 3 months of a spouse dying. This new spouse went to school with the deceased, had been a family friend for over 50 years, and attended the same church. The deceased had sealed letters waiting for both of these people giving her blessing to their future union. Not my cup 'o tea, but it worked for these lovely people.

Life is short and many of us don't function as well alone as we do in partnership. The quality of the new relationship, the respect and love all parties show for one another is what really matters. I can think of no better way to honor a deceased spouse than to open the heart and mind to the possiblility of life and love beyond loss-no matter how long or short the time between death and new love.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 9
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 9:40:02 PM
Well this is truly a question that no one can really answer because everyones experience is different.
Grief takes many twists and turns and to pass judgement on a person while they are in such a vulnerable state to me is just expecting too much.
If she was expecting his death for a long time and she was under incredible stress it is possible she is reaching out just to feel something again that does not have to do with incredible pain.
I think me as a person would want to see my partner happy after I was gone.
She may not even know what is going on with her herself my guess is she is reaching out for a spot of long overdue happiness.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 10
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 9:44:35 PM
1. It is none of her business.
2. She should be happy for the gal.
 ketch
Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 11
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:32:22 PM
I'm sure that everyone else will tell you the same answer. There's not right answer.

The human heart is not defined by hours or minutes or days. It searches for what it needs.

And if it finds the one it wants, whether that is in an instant or in a lifetime, it is a blessed event.

To those who judge it is too soon, let them cut their skin and bleed both night and day, and perhaps, as they grow weak from loss of blood they will judge more gently.

Ketch
 BubblyGalSmiles
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 12
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:07:41 PM
If you ever figure out the answer, let me know. From what I have noticed, the men seem to seek out another realtionship sooner. No disrepect, but women seem to be more self reliant, maybe stronger to survive alone. I know a man who, within a year was remarried. (both marriages happy) I was deep in grief at that time frame and the next as well. For me, three years plus later, would love to meet someone for a companionship etc but,... marriage? I wouldn't say "never" but it's not at the top of my list. I have room in life for someone special ...that's enough for now.
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 13
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:17:15 PM
There's no set amount of time. It depends upon for one thing how old you are. A man in his 60's and more who's always had a woman to take care of him, is going to be looking to find a replacement sooner.
Since it isn't her Mom who passed away, but his second wife, I think she's feeling that this woman didn't really love her Father. It's her issue.
 lonesomerick
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 14
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 7:51:35 AM
I guess, and rightfully so, thwere is no time frame. It's what works for the individual.

Sounds like the majority agrees on that....amazing.


What I won't agree with is this; " A man in his 60's and more who's always had a woman to take care of him, is going to find a replacement sooner".

First off, I'm in my 60's, and I'm not in the least looking for a "replacement"!
People looking for a "replacement" have no business dating, simply because they haven't healed!

Yeah, my wife "cared for me", just like I "cared for her".

Since I've been dating I've been in one relationship! ONE, if I were just looking for a relationship that would be just to damn easy!

I'm not unique!

Many people both widows and widowers having experienced a good marriage know what it's like! So, why shouldn't we be able, when the time is right (for us) seek out happiness again?
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 15
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:12:30 AM
Good question.. I honestly never thought I would entertain the idea of another after my husband Mike passed in his early 30's. I figured one love in my life. It was 14 years later that I even thought about dating again.

My mother had passed away I had retired and come home to care for her. So now I had no children living at home and no mother to care for. Plus she herself planted the seed a week before her death.

We were sitting in the hospital cafeteria chatting a little. She sat there spinning her engagement ring around her finger. She had lost soo much weight it no longer fit her properly.. She told me how proud she was of me and that I had been so successful in my careers. Then she said but alas you alone and have not be successful in finding another love. She took the ring off her finger and told me your children are now gone, and I am going, take this ring and go and look for love.. I started to laugh because it was so foreign and far from my mind.

Three months after she passed her words came to me one day when I was admiring the ring on my finger.

My mother was a very wise woman..

thecatsmeoww
 7iron
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 16
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:30:13 AM
This is a very special lady the OP is talking about. Even though she wasn't married to this man, she stuck by his side during a long stuggle with cancer when she could have bailed anytime including right after he was diagnosed. She didn't stay because of any inheritance since they never married and respected his wish that his estate went to his children. His daughter may have been involved with the care of her father to some extent, but probably no where close to this lady's.

You have to also take into account that half of her household income has vanished and she is not qualified to receive a widow's benefit of any kind and, if the man is like me, his children were the beneficiaries to all insurance proceeds.

With the partnership being a loving one as described, it would suprise me if the man had not encouraged her to find someone else right away. The only thing he didn't do was to tell his family that he had done so. Be happy for her and respect her history of making the right decisions.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 17
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:06:27 PM

With the partnership being a loving one as described, it would suprise me if the man had not encouraged her to find someone else right away. The only thing he didn't do was to tell his family that he had done so. Be happy for her and respect her history of making the right decisions.


I have a neighbor downstairs that was married to a dentist. He unfortunately passed away about a year ago.. Six months later she is dating this lovely gentleman she met. She is still dating him and they seem like such a happy couple.. When she went to Florida for the winter he followed her down there. I personally think it is wonderful she was able to find such a gem of a man.

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 18
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:14:19 PM

The recovery time is usually less than for divorce or breakup. Maybe 2 years is about average.


I think it depends on circumstances.. Was it a totally unexpected death? Was this person young when it occured? Did they leave young children behind that grieving as well?

When death is expected you have time emotionally to prepare for it.. When unexpected you most certainly might experience shock for some time. Also the children will as well.. So you work through it all as a family and most likely do not entertain the idea of another. There is much on your plate. So timing plays a factor as well.

thecatsmeoww
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 19
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:34:03 PM
Most grief counselors tell widows and widowers (and bereaved life partners)to avoid making any life altering decisions that are not ABSOLUTELY necessary, for at least 6 months. That would include remarriage, cohabitation,relocation, changing jobs, moving in with other family,etc. I don't know as I would call DATING someone a life altering decision. Other than that, I don't think anyone can assign a time frame to how long it takes to be recovered enough to enter a new relationship.
Cindy O
 Mxchic
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 20
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:57:39 PM
How selfish of these step children. They should be happy for her if she's really found a great partner so soon since, in my opinion it is very difficult to find a great partner!

They should not expect their step mother to grieve as they do, perhaps she grieved prior to his death if he was ill beforehand. I know that my mother died six months ago from a terminal illness and I grieved when it hit me one day when she was not feeling well and I had a chat with her hospice nurse. That was the weekend it hit home again after the previous year's hospitalization when she survived resperitory failure and told her doctor she was ready to die (until he asked her what time would you like to go - we can withhold oxygen...the look on her face was incredibly funny (turns out she wasn't ready just yet)). I grieved much at that time! For me, the grief hits before death if there is time. By the time the death comes, it is welcome (for they are terminally ill) and my spiritual beliefs provide me with comfort in knowing that death is only a transition of the soul and my loved ones are and always will be around me in spirit!

edit: having reread the OP, I see the father had a long terminal illness. I am very sure that the step mother grieved much during his illness and caring for him and watching him decline. That is the hardest part, watching someone you love succumb to disease! Good God, those girls need a good talking too. As if she hasn't been through enough! Someday, they will understand! Someday, they will understand and mourn their selfishness.

Life is for the living! Our "transitioned" loved ones would not want us to waste this precious gift of life mourning a passing that was destined to come! For those who find love, we should be happy for them no matter when it happens.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 21
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:23:58 PM

How selfish of these step children. They should be happy for her if she's really found a great partner so soon since, in my opinion it is very difficult to find a great partner!


You need to understand that his children are still very much grieving for their father and cannot for the life of them understand why his partner is not..

It has nothing to do with being selfish. I remember after my husband passed away in October his sister came back up to visit me a few months later to make sure we were all doing alright. They brought lots of Christmas presents and I was shocked they could even think of shopping 2 months after he had passed or Christmas for that matter.

Now I understand that everyone goes through grief differently but back then I simply could not. I was entrenched in grief along with the children..

thecatsmeoww
 missinginct
Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 22
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:56:36 PM
I lost the love of my life after being together for 16 years. A year and 1/2 of cancer and he was gone. We were living 1500 miles from any family or very close friends, so i was the primary care taker for 3 months.1 month after the funeral and several fights with his family later,I packed up my things and came home. I miss him every day, but I also miss being in a realationship.3 months ago I started checking out on line dating sights. i have started seeing a gem of a man, and I am smileing agian. How long did I wait? 7 months from his acctual death, 10 months from his sever decline. How long should anyone wait? I don't know, your heart and soul will let you know. Do not let anyone judge your emotions they belong only to you. Missing in Ct
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 23
how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 4:55:46 PM
7iron.....when i read your comment i took a double take.
it is as if you personally knew these people.

you uncannily picked up on the exact nature of what happened and how events unfolded before and after his death.

i sincerely hope that all of you who have experienced such loss find happiness once more.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 24
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:04:47 PM
OPie, you might want to tell your friend that *no one* knows what's in another's heart. And only really ratty people judge another's grief (is it BIG enough, SHINY enough, did they CRY enough tears, WHY didn't they slit their wrists? ? ? ?).

The *worst* relationships are seldom replaced: it seems a relief to the one left behind, and they have no memory of goodness and joy that they wish to recapture. The single greatest accolade to the sheer happiness of a relationship is the left behind's desire to do it again.

A great relationship is the most wonderful thing on earth. And the hardest thing to lose. Face it: your friend left home, and actually seldom thought of her dad except to think: glad he's happy. The one who made him happy every day is now, the ****, looking to be happy again, in her own self. The crime!!

 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 25
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how soon for new relationship after death of partner
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:34:03 PM
Different strokes, for different folks. I also tend to think it depends on how the partner dies. If it's been a long & lingering illness, I think the mourning time will be shorter. On the flip side of the coin, if one loses their partner suddenly & unexpectedly, mourning time will be longer. At the end of the day, it's really no one's business, but the 2 partner's involved. After all, we've not walked in their shoes.
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