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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:04:03 PM | | Is it wrong for a woman to expect a man to say I love you if he does. I have said it but he wont he says his actions are enough. He says that because Iam a poet words are important. We have dated now for 8 months and by argument is he said it to his late wife why not me if he loves me; unless he only cares for me and does not love me. This is about to be a deal breaker for me. I think Iam being reasonable. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:06:37 PM | | maybe you need to give it more time. it may develop into something more. if you've given it time and he still hasn't said it then you deserve to find someone else who will give you that. you're not being unreasonable. some people are weird with saying 'i love you' but this seems like more than just that [if he said it to his late wife] | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:08:03 PM | | I guess the only way to find out if he loves you is to ask him. I think men who won't say it don't feel it. I think saying his actions are enough is a cop out. He is capable- there is a reason he isn't saying it. He doesn't want you to leave. He wants to have you and dangle the possibility. He isn't being honest. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:09:35 PM | I am poet too. "I love you" is overused.
He needs to say that you are the color tangerine in his rainbow. "I love you" won't work. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:19:35 PM | | Given that he knows words are important to you, if it is true, shouldn't he be able to say those words? As a poet you know words have many meanings. Many people associate love with commitment, see it as binding; he might see it as betrayal to his late wife. Ask him what love means to him and tell him what it means to you. It may be possible that he has the same feelings for you as you do for him, but simply doesn't give those feelings the name of 'Love'. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:31:47 PM | Is it wrong to expect a man to say I love you if he does? I first thought that the answer was a no brainer, but after I thought about it, here is what I think.
It is most definitely NOT wrong for you to ask that a man that loves you say he does. Expecting it might be something else entirely. If you have to come to expect a man to say it, then there might be a problem. You have told him how you feel about the situation. You have told him you love him. Either he does or doesn't love you.
As far as his actions being enough, I say he is only HALF right. He is right from a man's point of view, to an extent, anyway. Of course, that doesn't work quite the same for women.
Women do take more stock in words than men. We men do like to hear the words, but we tend to look more for your actions than your words. At least, that is how it is with me. That is why when you ladies wear an outfit you know we love to see you in, or cook our favorite dish, or flash those "just for your man" smiles at us, we feel loved and never question it. The words do enhance it for us though. Nothing wrong with that. We just react a little different than you.
From what I have seen, women respond to the words first, then the actions to back them up. Nothing wrong with that either. You just react a little different from us.
I think it takes BOTH actions and words to affirm. If he is having trouble saying it, there might be problems, BUT, he did say he did things that he felt conveyed it to you. You said his previous wife passed away. Were they married long? That could be playing into it too. If you loved someone for 30,40,50 years or so, it might not be that easy to tell a partner or 8 months that you love them.
The promising thing about this though, is that the two of you are discussing it. As long as you are both communicating there is hope.
You are not being unreasonable, but I think you should discuss it more before you give up.
Just my two cents worth.
Good luck and God Bless | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 8:58:34 PM | | Is he honest, loyal, loving, dependable, caring, etc.? If so, why do you want him to say the words? If you break up with him because he won't say I love you, how much will that hurt you? If he says it then, won't that be saying it because you forced him? Lots to think about. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 9:22:56 PM | | sexyJL70 I once had a girlfriend that told me she loved me .I did not respond and she looked me right in the eyes and said "I don't care weather you tell me if you love me or not it's how I feel for you that I want you to know . The light bulb went off and if I love someone I will tell them . It's about how I feel that is important .. If they are not in the same place it really is my problem only if I choose it too be.. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 9:24:03 PM | Well you do what you want but if I had everything I wanted in a person as a companion and they had a hard time with words I would think long and hard about whether or not this is really a deal breaker.
He obviously is not the ideal person you were looking for but are there enough good things to keep this going? 8 months is a pretty good trial run if you ask me | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 9:49:10 PM | I really don't have much advice to give, but I can empathize with your situation. My S/O of over 3 & 1/2 years, is also one who finds it difficult
to say those precious words. I have heard them 5 times in total, during the last almost (October) 4 years. It is very upsetting & hurtful, I really
don't understand why some people are like this. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 9:58:00 PM |
Is it wrong for a woman to expect a man to say I love you if he does. I have said it but he wont he says his actions are enough. He says that because Iam a poet words are important. We have dated now for 8 months and by argument is he said it to his late wife why not me if he loves me; unless he only cares for me and does not love me. This is about to be a deal breaker for me. I think Iam being reasonable.
OP -- YOU think you're being reasonable, but chances are he doesn't see it the same way. Neither do I actually. I think you're being more than unreasonable.
Especially the part about him saying it to his late wife but not to you. The old "They got it so why can't I too?" mentality that one is supposed to grow OUT of at an early age. Seems that has skipped you completely. Not only that, but it sounds extremely petty and very selfish. Bad comparison and narrative.
It's sad that this is a dealbreaker for you. To put THAT much stock in overused words that have very little meaning these days is just unfathomable to me. If he SHOWS you that he cares, that should be enough. To make it a dealbreaker that he also has to SAY it is just absurd and shows that you have your priorities mixed up in a bad way. You'll piss away an otherwise happy union just because he won't VERBALLY validate you.
Sad. Oh so sad indeed.
Words can be hollow. Actions will always speak louder than any word ever could.
Too bad that at your age you still haven't figured out that simplest of principles...
Damn shame. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 10:07:42 PM | I think you're being more than unreasonable.
Big Daddy,
You are often right on the money. She might just be a bad typist.
"Is it wrong for a woman to expect a man to say I love you if he does"
should probably have a question mark. She is appears to be asking a question, not making an assertion. You might be right, and it might be rhetorical. She might be asserting that she should be told "I love you" if he does love her.
The main thing is that she feels confused that he won't say it. It is better that she ask a sincere question, and attempt to rectify the feeling. Rhetorical questions are not usually sincere, and would infer the claim you made, ie that she was being "unreasonable." The whole post reeks of poor typing, as would mine if I hadn't checked my spelling and used the "edit feature." | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 10:23:01 PM | By making a big deal out of this you may have backed him into a corner where he loses no matter what he does. You may tell him you love him but are your actions loving? Would you seriously leave him over this if everything else is good? Why do you feel the need to hear it so badly? Are you trying to compete with his late wife? I think if you explore why this is so important to you and just drop the subject with him for a while you will have a much higher chance of a satisfying relationship for both of you.
Just my opinion, and I personally place much more weight on actions than words. One of my favorite songs is "More than Words" by Extreme. It's worth a listen.
Good luck! | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 10:36:12 PM | Is it loving to pressure someone into using the words?
If pulled from his lips because of pressure, do the words have more or less value?
People move away from pressure. You're creating pressure for both of you in this relationship. Unaltered, the trajectory of the relationship is crash and burn. Is this really what you want?
Can you love him enough to allow him to be who he is and express things as he sees fit? Or is this one issue THAT important to you? | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 10:37:02 PM | Someone's Heaven,
The two part harmonies are beautiful on that song. That even makes it more "More than words" It is a great love song. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 10:38:09 PM | see this is the problem that many women have. you want to set the pace for the relationship. why does he have to say he loves you on your timetable? dont you see you have just put pressure on him to do something that should happen naturally and not because you want him to prove something?
if he tells you he loves you before he's ready just to please you he will resent you for it.
he might be a wimp or he might not be but pressuring him to say i love you is always a bad idea. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2009 11:13:26 PM | What exactly are you expecting from this relationship?
Are you hoping that IF he says he loves you, he'll want to marry you?
Be reasonable about what you're looking for. If you're looking for him to move in with you versus marry you, discuss this with him. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 3:14:08 AM | | Words are important to me too but sometimes actions can convey what someone is unable or reticent to say. At some point he will be able to articulate this in the ideal way that you want him to, but apparently for right now anyway, be accepting of the actions--I'm sure that they are not frivolous. Words will follow when whatever is obscuring them has passed. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 3:58:13 AM | maybe he's not quite there yet. put yourself in his shoes and i think you could easily see how uncomfortable a situation it would be to have somebody else pushing you to mouth some words that don't 100% go with the feelings that the other person wants you to have. if somebody is going to say "i love you", it has to be completely spontaneous and heartfelt. i don't know when his wife passed away, but he may not be completely over that yet.
so just because you're feeling it now, it doesn't mean that he is yet. you're not being reasonable; you're merely holding out unfair expectations that he's unable to fulfill at this time. and if you're insistent enough about it, it's going to undermine everything you've already built together.
put another way, why would you want to toss an otherwise good relationship just because he won't say what you want to hear?
look, your life isn't going to change one bit if he were to say "i love you" just to appease you; but your life WILL change if he says it not because you wanted to hear it, but because it comes straight out of his own heart. and that's not something you can ever "ask" for, is it?
all you can do is to be exactly the kind of person that he's gonna eventually want to say "i love you" while looking straight into your eyes if not shouting it from the rooftop.
:) | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 4:12:08 AM | I hate hearing" I love you" and then they dont act like it.
I don't need words that have seemed to have lost meaning in this world.
Imagine the cheating spouse saying, "But I love you, not her/him". Puleeese. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 5:03:55 AM | Bigdaddy--[It's sad that this is a dealbreaker for you. To put THAT much stock in overused words that have very little meaning these days is just unfathomable to me. If he SHOWS you that he cares, that should be enough. To make it a dealbreaker that he also has to SAY it is just absurd and shows that you have your priorities mixed up in a bad way. You'll piss away an otherwise happy union just because he won't VERBALLY validate you.]
I read a book called " The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I would like to recommend this to the OP. It addresses this topic very eloquently.
While words of affirmation are not important to some people, they are very important to others. I like being verbally validated about things, and I do like being told I love you. The tone it is said in, has alot to do with whether it is just words, or words spoken from the heart. There is nothing like having someone look me in the eye, and say I love you in that special way. Of course the actions that go with it are essential too. That's a no brainer.
OP, hang in there. You don't have to compromise words or actions. Both are important.But it may be too soon to deal break, because some men need help growing in this area. If he did it with his other wife, he may just need more time, if the relationship is growing. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 7:07:42 AM | You started another post today on the same topic.
Are you sure you're just either not remembering or hearing that he said, "I love you?" | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 7:14:26 AM | If you have to beg to hear the words, I would think their meaning would lessen.
But that's just me. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 7:16:40 AM | I think it's tremendously sad that you can't be content with having a man who loves you and shows it with his actions after 8 months of being together.
You argue? And you're thinking of ending the relationship over this?
Gosh that's sad.
Wishing you the best, but I don't think you're being reasonable. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 9:03:56 AM | gonesailing[[[I think it's tremendously sad that you can't be content with having a man who loves you and shows it with his actions after 8 months of being together.]]]
I don't think it's fair to dismiss the OP's desire to hear words of affirmation. Women crave hearing things like " I love you"... " you look pretty in that" " wow honey, your pot roast was a hit" etc...and I don't think the desire to hear these kinds of things, stops at any age....I'm sorry for using this as a comparison...but to me, it's like having sex, without any verbal communication at all. Don't most of us want to, ahem... HEAR something from the other person ? lol | |
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