| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:17:17 AM | Ok so I've been talking to this guy for 4 months now and he is 42 and I am 18. Yes, I know. He is separated with 3 kids and his divorce hasn't even been final yet. I really care about him but he refuses to put a label on what we are and whenever I try to get him to talk about it he says that we've been through it and he isn't ready for a relationship. I thought it was obvious that he was only willing to see me for sexual reasons but he's willing to even give that up. I really don't know what to do. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:36:41 AM | well... being somewhat a man that has had experience in being "the older guy", thought I might should comment...
1.) I can see why any man of any age would have interest in you... you are adorable and very sexy. (nice profile Btw, however you should put a pic up that shows you smiling sincerely... although the pics do communicate your "open-zest for life" as your profile states)
2.) obviously due to your emotional maturity, you are more in line to look for a stable, wiser, experienced man who is confident and knows where he is in life, as opposed to guys your own age who dont even know what they are in life yet.
3.) (possible) perhaps there are things he hasnt shared with you or maybe he is being misleading some way and doesnt want to take it further as that might be revealed... this is a far stretch, but has to be considered. - another reason honesty and openness is always best!
Sounds like he is being very open and honest with you about "not available" for a relationship. This doesnt mean he doesnt find you interesting, attractive or even someone he wouldnt want to explore such options.
However, he may be placing more on the age gap than you are. He may think the best you two could be is a fling and why bother with that, especially under the stress and anxiety of the recent break-up of his marriage. Which is on the one hand, might be extremely attractive to you that a man has it together to even pass up a bright, dynamic, beautiful woman such as yourself.
What is it that you want?
Do you know why you are attracted to him?
4.) in my opinion, if I lived within 75 miles of you, and I was this guy, I would most definitely be willing to hang out... with no expectations in anything... you seem like you are open, fun and willing to experience all things life offers.
5.) I am extremely vexed why you are single, but then again, that makes you somewhat complex, therefore interesting....
6.) Im going to shut up now, as numbered list are silly and Im beginning to ramble on like i would be:  | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:43:03 AM | | You really care about him, so respect what he's saying. Sounds like he needs a friend more than anything right now. You say you've been talking to him for 4 months -- have you actually met him? Is this the first guy who has shown you any interest? Just try to know yourself and know what it is you're hoping for with him. Try to look at what is rather than get blinded with what you wish it was. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:51:38 AM | OP, your post is somewhat ambiguous - it's hard to tell whether you've been seeing this guy in person, or whether you've been talking online. I'm going to assume you've met face to face.
There are several reasons why this guy refuses to put a label on what you think you have with him.
He's not looking at you as "relationship" material. He's looking at you an escape. You're an ego stroke to him because he's over 40 with a litter of kids and a pending divorce and you're an 18 year old young girl who for some reason is willing to give him the time of day. That's quite the ego stroke to "bag" an 18 year old girl - and don't think he's not a slobbering letch and isn't bragging to all of his guy friends about how he's dipping his wick in the Fountain of Youth. This is ALL about the ego for him.
He doesn't want to put a label on it because you're not a relationship to him. You're a DIVERSION.
Lover Boy is "willing" to give up the sex, is he?
Stop the sex, Cali.
Stop it immediately. And don't offer up any other 'alternatives' to him like oral sex or anything along those lines. Stop the sex cold and don't budge.
Watch how long he hangs around.
You didn't ask for my opinion on this, but quite honestly, I think he's a revolting PIG for taking advantage of a young girl who doesn't really have any life experience and doesn't really know better. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:55:24 AM | Wow. Talk about rocking the cradle!
You may "care" about him but the hard fact is that you hardly know him, all you know is what he tells you.. which could be anything but the truth.
I strongly suggest looking elsewhere, with a divorce on the brink and 3 children.. this man would be a dead end street for you. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:11:23 AM | | well, OP, how would donald trump or hugh heffner deal with this? | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:28:01 AM | | Doesn't take long for the name calling and put downs when the older/younger situation ISN'T an old woman and a young guy. Funny how it's NEVER perverted when it's an older woman. Also funny how it's ALWAYS because the older woman is so "beautiful" or "youthful" but if it's an older man he must be "pathetic" or "have money". Older women on here are seriously hypocritical, jealous and bitter most of the time. It's obvious why older men could be attracted to much younger women. For one thing, despite how many insults and putdowns older women throw at some of the younger women, you never see them in these types of threads name calling or being mean to the older women. This speaks volumes to EVERYONE reading as to who is actually more mature. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:36:36 AM | | By the way I've been seeing him in person for 4 months is what I meant | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:39:16 AM | CW35, I don't condone older women dating younger men either. I even tell the 20-somethings right on my profile that I don't want to hear from them.
I'm an equal opportunity condemner. And it has NOTHING to do with being " jealous and bitter." If I had an 18 year old daughter and a 42 year old man was getting involved with her, you'd better BELIEVE I'd intervene.
A 42 year old man in the midst of a divorce is not looking for something "deep" with an 18 year old girl. This isn't rocket science.
Call it "bitter" all you want.  | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:50:50 AM | Regardless of anything and everything else, are your needs getting met in this relationship?
Are you happy with him?
If it's obvious he is only willing to see you for sexual reasons then why do you need an additional label put on the relationship? A sexual relationship is a label.
Does he reciprocate the care you have for him back to you?
Are you hoping for a future with this man?
What do you want out of the relationship?
Answer those questions for yourself and then take a realistic view of if this man can fulfill what you want and need. Don't think of him, what he wants, what he needs, what he is going through. Only what you want and need. If he doesn't satisfy even the most basic of your desires for a connection, then let it go.
At any age, a person going through a divorce is a bad bet for any real and lasting relationship. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:50:57 AM | jerseygirl... neither is it your concern, regardless of the relationship nature.
you are simply not in a position to condone or not condone... this can only be decided what is best for you, not others.
instead of focusing on what other people are doing and ignorantly judging them, focus on what's best for you.
age is relative... I wonder what conservative socialization and culture has given you the perception otherwise... or perhaps we should discount what you are saying due to having an experience with being the woman left for the younger woman... if the later is the case, then I am very sorry and I understand your plight and bitterness. However, not every situation can be classified so easily. It is apparent that both parties here have a mutual interest and no one is being taken advantage of. That could happen with any age involved.
She is young, wants to experience a variety of things in life and an older man has caught her eye... so be it.
He is coming out of a very difficult time in his life and probably all over the place with his trust and emotions.
technically, depending on perception, either one could be taking advantage of the other... dont put it on men just because they are men that they must always have the wrong intentions, ill agendas, etc. We arent as sinister as you think.
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:53:02 AM |
A 42 year old man in the midst of a divorce is not looking for something "deep" with an 18 year old girl. This isn't rocket science.
Co-sign with Jerseygirl~ | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:57:10 AM | | Jersey: It's amazing that without even knowing someone you can automatically know ALL the thoughts and nuances going through this couple's mind. Quite the mind reading powers you have. No negativity or bitterness in judgemental comments like that. Sure. Just keep telling yourself that. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:04:19 AM | | Probably is using you for a fantasy type thing he will never leave his wife and just wants a online thing to keep him occupied happens a lot ask other women on the site. 4 months and not wanting to meet yet . Flags should be going up | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:11:03 AM | | Uhh he's met me and we've hung out many times. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:13:28 AM | calicutie, you still havent answered the questions:
what is it that you want?
are you attracted to him?
why are you attracted to him?
you might find many answers in your own. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:26:51 AM | | I want there to be some type of commitment from him so I know that he's not doing anything with anyone else. If there was some type of commitment I wouldn't be worried about it. I've explained to him I'm not trying to force him to do something he doesn't want but then again why not try. If it fails it fails but at least we tried. And idk why I care so much. He makes me feel good. He does little things for me. Like cooks me dinner and will take my plate and wash it off. And if I try he won't let me. Idk. He's different to me. Its hard to explain | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:36:25 AM | not hard to explain at all... you see, with a bit of experience and age, us men become more secure, confident and considerate. It is easier for us to drop all the bullshit and become comfortable being our genuine selves.
that is what you see as special: the amazing consideration and sincere attention he is showing towards you. it makes you feel special and it should. good for you for being astute to this.
there is nothing wrong with feeling good and being around people that make you feel good... that is exactly why we choose the friends and/or lovers we do.
However, pushing for the commitment might put him off. I know you like this guy and want to be with him, but do you understand what kind of "pain issues" he is either going through or most likely to go through the next months? Do you know that you wont, during this phase, get him 100%? Its impossible. Do you really want to be impatient for that wild affair now to have it only become some sort of rebound situation, which 95% of the time will never work out?
what is wrong with the commitment already made between you two: enjoying each other's company and becoming friends? getting to know each other a bit better, etc? immediate demands of commitment will just force him to look at what is really important for him now and most likely will say "well, if its all or nothing, I guess it has to be nothing"...
on the other side, if he does give into your ultimatum, there could be resentment and passive aggressive feelings that pop up later on both of your sides.
I think you might want to back off a bit and just relax. I know you enjoy this amazing experience of being treated as you never have before, but you will most certainly end that in this manner. +, for future reference, it wont be the last time you get this special treatment ;-)
relax, take a deep breath and dont be so pushy... you are asking for something he is incapable of giving at the moment. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:43:52 AM | He's different baby cause he's KIND. That's what the "difference" is.
Older men do stuff like that but you're not hearing him. He realizes that you're 18 and he's not. And honestly, do you really want a commitment from a man who's not divorced yet? "So he won't do anything with anyone else." Baby...sigh. Just because someone SAYS that they won't doesn't always mean that they won't. I hate to break it to you but you're more of a rebound woman than anything else. You're young, hot, and make him feel good. But he's also having second thoughts and that's a good thing for both of you. It's good because he probably realizes that you need to experience other things in life besides a guy with nothing to offer but kindness.
There are men in your age group who'll cook dinner for you and wash your plate off sweetie. I understand you're infatuated with this guy--been there, done that. But...please understand that if he wants to be just a friend, you should take him up on the offer. He knows what he's doing...and he is probably doing what he thinks is not only best for you but for him and his kids as well.
Be his friend and let everything else go. You can't make someone be with you--and baby, asking this man to make a commitment to you when he's already tied into one won't work. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:46:28 AM | From what you've mentioned CaliCutie I'd have to say I'm leaning to Jersey Girl's point of opinion. Even if I were to give this male the benefit of the doubt and say that he is getting out of a divorce and may be going through a rough time; it doesn't excuse his wishy-washy answers regarding your relationship with him.
If you are just hanging out with him, either doing stuff you two like to do and simply enjoying each others' company, than I'd say no harm and no fowl. Go nuts and just enjoy the moment.
However, if you are having sex with this man; than I would exercise extreme caution with your heart and your body. His hesitancy regarding where you two stand seem to indicate that he is not ready for any sort of committed relationship that you seem to want from him. Respect your own wishes Bella. If he's not ready to committee to you, than respect your body and your decision by not sleeping with him. Unless you KNOW that you can remain casual about that aspect of the relationship and realize he has not committed to you in any way.
I wish you luck Bella n__n | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:53:35 AM | | Thanks everyone. I know what I have to do but its just super hard because I know its going to hurt. I care too much about other peoples feelings and making them happy that I push my own feelings aside. | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:54:49 AM | dont do this... good for you to experience and learn this now... keep your own feelings and desires in tact FIRST... believe it or not, it will have a great benefit on others as well.
good luck to you! | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:57:37 AM |
I try to get him to talk about it he says that we've been through it and he isn't ready for a relationship. I thought it was obvious that he was only willing to see me for sexual reasons but he's willing to even give that up. I really don't know what to do.
The guy isn't wanting a commitment ,and how could you expect one because the guy is still married though he is separated 3 kids and going through a legal process?
Sounds like he's really not in to you as much as you are him.
Back off leave the guy alone!!!!!! | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:16:29 AM | Hey CW..I'd love to see what your opinion would be if it were YOUR 18 year old daughter coming to you, asking what she should do about a 42 year old separated man with 3 kids whose been coming around to have sex with her?
Would you still encourage it because only "bitter, jealous and judgemental people" find it wrong? | |
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| Older Guy
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:38:59 AM | Calicutie, from looking at your profile (and I remembered you peeked at mine), I realize that you have a soft attraction to older men, generally.
Admittedly, I found older women (30+) extremely attractive when I was in my teenage years. And, that attraction lead me to meeting someone whom was 21 years old, when I was 17 years old. Just before my 18th birthday, she and I were welcoming a healthy baby boy into the world.
I say this to you to point out circumstances. You've been given a gift, Cutie...an 18th birthday to enjoy, without dilemma or responsibility. You know, I would say that if I was available and close (like cooldudeinberlin stated...Hey, Man, what's up  ) I would love to take you out on a date, too.
Given the circumstances surrounding his life, I can tell you that you're better off not lingering here. Relax and go enjoy the volleyball you want to play. He has much to do, and you are of a different focus to him, than what you perceive. You have to be aware of what you need; and not let it be compromised by anyone or anything.
And for God's sake....do not listen to JerseyGirl! Cynic!
Danz | |
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