| | When His Ex Won't Get LostPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Some time ago, when my ex-husband and I were dating, his ex-girlfriend always came around (while I was around). She'd plop herself down and have a cup of coffee with his mother. And his mother would let it be known (in a loud voice) so we could hear their conversation in the living room, (how disappointed she was that they broke up and he was now dating me). This type of thing escalated to where this girl was invited to family events and occasions. At the time, I found his mother to be excessively rude and it made me very upset, especially because she would 'snub' me and never even try to get to know me, yet contended that she wasn't 'doing anything' to me when her son would ask her about it. I put up with this for a while, but when I realized that his mother (and by that time, her sisters and friends also jumped on the band wagon against me) I made a decision. I decided that we should move in together a few miles away and just have our own relationship and only visited a few times on Christmas and such. But my soon to be mother in law, never stopped her rudeness, until our Wedding day where she carried on about how she was against our marriage. THAT WAS IT! I wrote her a letter and told her I would never darken her doorway ever again. I stayed away from 'them' for the entirety of our marriage after that.
Sorry this ended up being so long, but my question is to other gals, what would you have done? Was there an option that I was too hurt to see at that time? Since we split up anyway years later, I wonder if 'life' was trying to tell me something back then. If I just broke up with him I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary heartache. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:00:37 AM | I definitly think that life was trying to tell you something. Just the fact that your ex husband didn't put his foot down and stand up to his mother and his ex-girlfriend speaks volumes to me...
It's a good thing that you don't have to put up with this drama anymore. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:02:59 AM | If you want only gals to answer, post it in "ask a girl"....
"his ex-girlfriend always came around (while I was around). She'd plop herself down and have a cup of coffee with his mother"
ROFL! : I will have never mixed EX with current in the first place; for no reasons or occasions! Letting the EX come home, drinking coffee with the mother, let her become part of the family, inviting her to the wedding...you guys are masochist? Kids are no excuses: she may seen them without entering the sanctity of your home, relation or life.
Mixing pots is only a recipes for disasters.
A healthy way to deal with relationships (or ex): is to COMPLETELY end one, spend some time alone to purge and get back in touch with yourself. When done, then only, can you look for another one; fully ready and able for the new relationship and without carrying anything....and without influence of the past.
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:06:04 AM | Sorry I'm not a gal, but I just have to wonder what took you so long?
I mean, I would dump a girl in a heartbeat if she stood by and let her family insult me that way.
Not to mention the ex hangin around without a problem sounds weird to say the least.
But honestly, what did you see in this nutless wonder who couldn't stand up to his own mother?
You gotta have more self-respect for yourself than this. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:18:15 AM | | He wasn't much of a man during your marriage or ever for that matter or his mother would never have had the nerve to open her mouth like that. It shows she doesn't really love her son and has no respect for him or you. That kind of person is empty and rotten on the inside. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:26:38 AM | That life experience is to tell you next time stand up for yourself! Plain and simple...you dont lose anything by doing that. I would of looked the ex in the face when she staired at you and the mother. That way they would of known im not playing with those hoes.
When they made those rude remarks about he should of never broken up with you. I would of said well somebody has to take out the trash. Why not him. Than i would of turned to his mother and said too bad your son does not listen to you. Sometimeeeeeees you make a lot of sense.
The other people chimed in because they saw you where an easy target. That is why I dont want to date a man that is easliy controled or manipulated by women. They dont have a backbone of their own. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:29:31 AM | Little you could do in a situation like that if your partner didn't see fit to put an end to the games his mother, ex and co were playing.
I would never tolerate anyone treating my S/O that way (they would be history), and it's just a pity you allowed yourself to be treated that way for so long. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 7:01:46 AM |
He wasn't much of a man during your marriage or ever for that matter or his mother would never have had the nerve to open her mouth like that. It shows she doesn't really love her son and has no respect for him or you...
Well said :-)
I would never disrespect my son like that, nor dare behave as the OPs MIL did. Firstly, I love him too much and secondly, I'm proud to say, he wouldn't tolerate it for two seconds. His happiness in life comes before my likes and dislikes and if I didn't like the woman in his life, I'd keep it to myself. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:21:47 AM | | Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. Deep down in those days, I believed I did the right thing to cut ties with them. But since I was always so out-numbered I used to doubt myself. Thanks again. I'm glad all that drama is behind me. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:36:00 AM | | ok heres my view on this, in every relationship you will face this. all short of secluding yourself from the world. I have an ex wife I've welcomed her and her husband into my home as well I still talk to her family, and she talks to mine yea everyone sometimes wonders why we didnt make but her and I know why. its kinda awful in a sense cuz I've got kids and have lost several woman in part by jealousy or even by my own guilt. but I guess I personally am strong enuff to see my ex as no more then another person. So maybe you were letting it get in your way that that girl was your guys ex. maybe you and his mom didnt click.but his ex and her did. I can getalong with some people but that doesnt mean thats who I prefer to live with or marry. sometimes we can let that interfere with a relationship that somehow may have been fine. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:46:15 AM |
Since we split up anyway years later, I wonder if 'life' was trying to tell me something back then.
You didn't say if your ex ever confronted his mother over this and told her to knock it off. If he didn't, I can see where you would have had problems with other things throughout your time with him. I could be wrong, but it sounds like there's the possiblity he was a wishy washy momma's boy, even though he moved away with you to avoid the situation. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:57:03 AM | OP - it sounds like you were hoping that love conquers all and that the ex- would eventually leave and his mother would learn to love you. Sadly, that was not the case for you and it happens more frequently than you'd think.
In the future if there is an ex- to deal with and she seems too close for your comfort its best to leave as issuing an ultimatum to your guy is never a good idea and the person with the most history tends to "win" or get "chosen". | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:15:02 AM | Did you ever have or try to have a conversation with his mother to find out what was the problem? Did you ever have or try to have a conversation with this ex-girlfriend and find out why she was so involved with the family?
His mother and ex were free to socialize with whomever they pleased. I find it highly suspect that you don't supply any reasons here for either woman's behavior--- why would a man's mother (and subsequently his entire family) to make his life miserable by shunning his wife? Why did the girlfriend cling to the family?
Some puzzle piece are missing and only you know what those really are.
Why did they all have such a problem with you? | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:15:13 AM | | Been there. I accepted the fact that the ex was going to be large and in charge so I bowed out. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:32:31 AM | I get the feeling you were all very young, inexperienced in life and had no clue how to react to his mother trying to control his life. How long were you married, did he ever stand up to his family in support of you, how did their lives turn out and what happened to the sainted ex-girlfriend?
Should you have walked, yes, we should never be with someone who doesn't support us and who allows others to speak badly about us. But like I am guessing, you were probably young and inexperienced in life and the ways to handle old hags. Alas, sometimes someone like his mother trying to keep you apart is what really keeps you together, out of defiance, and once that is gone or ebbs, we find we really have no reason to be together.  | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 6:39:38 AM | | Chameleonf: I wasn't clear about some of it. My Ex did confront his mother and she contended that she was the parent and he had no right to tell her which friends she could or couldn't have. Meanwhile, his ex-g/f met a new guy (who had an ex g/f that was hanging out with his mother) and she hit the ceiling about it. So my position was, if she didn't like it, then she knew exactly how mean she was being to me and enjoying it. Their so-called friendship was based on hurting my ex and me. A really shoddy basis for a friendship I contended. IMO this family was the most dysfunctional one I ever had the misfortune of meeting. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 6:44:56 AM | | Landra2: Of course I spoke to his mother about it. One time I went over to her house when I knew her entourage wouldn't be there and I asked her 'very nicely'. Why won't you give me the same fair chance to become part of the family that you gave (Mary)? She was visibly shaking and said she wasn't trying to make me feel bad "she just like Mary and didn't want their friendship to end". However, after that, my ex's siblings and their g/f's & wives, got on the band wagon against me because my ex's mom told them (crying) that I came over and "threatened" her. A poor widow. So she double-twisted it back on me. As far as his ex g/f... Every time she saw me, and she was never alone to talk to, she would just laugh at me and say. "They'll never let you become part of the family like they did for me." It was a horrible experience and I was only 22 at the time. So I admit I wasn't handling it the way I would today. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 6:52:55 AM | | Daynadaze: Well we were married 28 yrs. We moved forty miles away and had a son who is now 17. The sainted girlfriend married someone else but was always friendly with my ex's mom (because her mother in law preferred her husband's ex g/f over her!) lol After we moved away, I heard some rumors that my mother in law blamed me for destroying her family. And shortly after we got married, she told my husband that 'his deceased father' would be ashamed of him for breaking up their family'. He took that hard and didn't seem like the same person ever again. I couldn't believe that a mother would use her son's dead father against him like a weapon in order to justify her selfishness. But that's how she was. My ex's siblings are all divorced twice. We only once, we lasted the longest. Probably because we chose to move so far away. But he could never get his issues with his mother out of his head. He seemed broken. His siblings lived closer and divorced sooner because of all her negative interference. After we moved, she compared my sister in law's to the blessed 'ex girlfriend' and made them all miserable. So in conclusion, it's a sad and broken family. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:15:55 AM | Some people marry into sad and broken families and they are okay; they seem able to separate the quality of their nuclear family from the extended family. Some grown children never are able to cope with the dysfunctionals. It sounds like your ex tried to deal with his mother and moved away with you in order to do so but the mother was so overbearing you are right, he didn't get over it.
I am 45, losing a mother who is still alive, realizing that the unconditional love and guiltless relationship is not going to happen is difficult. I think you were both in a no win situation. Now, I am so stubborn that I would have not only stuck around, I would have been sugary sweet but at some point I would have realized that I didn't give a shit if they ever liked me. I would still have done the "right" thing but would have had no vested interest in what they did.
My ex's family was very hard to "break" into because they were so close. His mother didn't dislike me, she was scared for her son to remarry and potentially have more children, potentially another divorce down the road; didn't make it feel any better at the time that it wasn't "personal." I also now realize that my ex repeated comments she supposedly made. I know she never said half the crap, probably none, he claimed she did.
Round about five years in when I didn't give a shit if they liked me or not they realized that my ex was as difficult as his father was, that I was a nice person, and when we did split, I wasn't tossed out with the bathwater because I WAS a part of the family. I was the one that actually paved the way for my stepson's mother to reacquaint herself with the family after 20 years by continuing to encourage her to stop by; that they no longer hated her. My mother-in-law and her mother were best friends when they were coming up and I thought it was sad that those fences had not been mended.
Now, your mother-in-law sounds like a b!tch but you also gave her ammunition by totally cutting off contact, also putting your kid in a difficult position by never being able to be around his father's family for holidays and special occasions. You could have chosen to attend the family events for a brief time and then went about your own day in whatever way you wished. In my case, we were 100 miles away and things were much better for me when the kids came and we stopped spending the entire frigging weekend down there. Over the years it was me, not my ex, who brought the kids. He was out of town a lot because of his job and even if they never decided they liked me, they did appreciate the efforts I made to both include them in things we had here, b-day parties, etc. and to make the drive there so they were a part of my kids' lives.
If life was trying to tell you something, why did you stay for 28 years, I think that is the better question. I don't think he became so damaged he was unliveable and if that were the case, did you encourage him to get counseling, to get counseling as a couple to learn to deal with the extended family in a more healthy way? You had the choice to walk away and obviously felt there was something worth staying for beyond your son because you didn't have him until you were together for 11 years? Were those 11 years unhappy years?
You made choices, your mother-in-law may have been the impetus or those choices but you are only doing yourself more damage by this line of thinking. You can't go back, but you can take responsibility and learn the lessons about considering whether you want to sign up for not only the guy but the relatives he brings with him. Seeing those 28 years as a waste of time I think does you and your ex a disservice. | |
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roseyn
| | Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 20 | |
| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:37:46 AM | You actually married him after all that?
Wow. The issue isn't about you and his mother. It's you and him. If he respected you and loved you enough he would NEVER ALLOW HIS MOTHER to be so blatantly rude to you and allow you to feel uncomfortable. He was very selfish in not taking care of the matter. And you married him under those circumstances and expected a change? When a man allows something messed up to happen and realizes you're gonna stay through it all and put up with it, what on EARTH is his motivation to change? NOTHING.
Marriage? Please. It never would have gotten that far. In letting his mother and EX in his make you feel that way, and you putting up with it? I can only hope you will respect yourself enough to never stay in an uncomfortable situation like that again | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:39:00 AM | First of all, you have no right to decide who the mother is friends with... especially in her own home!
My goodness... sounds like your man was a bit weak letting the two of you battle. He should have put you both in your place. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:55:52 AM |
My goodness... sounds like your man was a bit weak letting the two of you battle. He should have put you both in your place.
Correct answer, grow a pair  | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:39:24 AM |
First of all, you have no right to decide who the mother is friends with... especially in her own home!
I had actually thought the same thing and while you said your MIL kind of threw it up in your face, did you ever think about that? That the girl's presence really had nothing to do with you or your ex? Would it have bothered you to have her around if the MIL hadn't made it so obvious she liked her and didn't like you? | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:57:33 AM | I would have chalked this up as a problem with your man and not his Mother. She has the right to socialize with whomever she pleased. He on the other hand had the right to talk to his Ex and tell her that she was coming between you and he and to talk to his mother as well to respect his choices for a mate.
Well, its all done now and as we age the right answers become far clearer. | |
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| When His Ex Won't Get Lost
Posted: 7/15/2009 10:25:19 AM | | Maybe having the ex gf in the house with his parents when the new one is there isn't the best of ideas. However IMO most of the time mothers and families have their kids best interest at heart. Could it be possibly his mother didn't feel you were the right match for her son? Also maybe she felt you were being rude to her, instead if eavesdropping on their conversation why not try to join it unless their was a feeling of entitlement on your part? | |
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