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 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 1
Emotionally Unavailable = ScaredPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I think a lot of people on this site actually "think" they are looking for a "long term relationship" - that very special person to be with, but in actuality if they met and dated that person they would think it was too good to be true. I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less!

I know I have sooo much love, attention, generosity to give to someone but the guys I've dealt with are too freaking scared to even get involved. Any comments? What's been your experience if you've found this to be true.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 2
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:20:12 AM
Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathize
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognize boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.

These are things real relationships require and many people cannot or will not be able to give due to their own issues and fears.

(from baggagereclaim.co.uk)
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 3
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:32:47 AM
If they're scared, they're scared that you'll become too clingy, smothering or possessive. The black hole of aloneness is sometimes preferrable to the black hole of suffocation. Maybe you're coming on too intensely-?
 justmeandmax
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:35:47 AM
IMHO I would say that many of these people are looking for their perfect match, and with so many on the net they could also be looking for the next "bigger better deal". Now don't get me wrong... I would never settle for less than love but I also know that no one is perfect and everything the happens, happens for a reason. People come into our lives and some stay while others leave.

Caramel, all I can tell you is to have faith that when the right man comes into your life you will have that elusive "Happily Ever After"
 Eibu
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 5
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:36:42 AM
I agree. Usually a lot of people aren't available right away.

Some profiles i will read "just got out of a relationship and looking to get back on the scene". I dont have very much hope in this profiles cause unless your really strong, there has to be lingering feelings and your possibly just looking for others to talk to in a sense.

That being said and of course its my opinion (above). Its human nature to be this way you never know you just maybe that one person the other encounters that changes their aspect or enlightens them in some sense and allows them to learn to love again or become emotionally available.

Just dont give up and dont worry all the love you have will one day find someone worthy of it, best of luck :)
 1_toe_in_water
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 6
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:39:42 AM
Hi Caramel,
I can only speak for myself. Darn tootin there is fear. Fear of emotional hurts, labels, judgements. Emotions can be both good and not so good. Don't think one goes without the other. In real life and relationships I have found it isn't all harp music and rose petals. There are thorns also. Take care.
 Abbicci
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 7
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:07:22 AM
Nothing happens instantly.

First you need to be attracted to someone.

Then you need to spend time with them to see if you want to spend more time with them.Just because I am emotionally available doesn't mean I am open to every random stranger. It takes time to become part of my life and it takes a lot longer to become the emotional center of my life.

I think more people are ready for a relationship than not, but it has to be with the right person and at the right pace.

I suspect too many people are in such a rush to be in love and to be in a relationship that the person.
 Kit728
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 8
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:09:47 AM
I have to agree with EIBU1985.....maybe my head is stuck in fairy land but I think if the right two people meet, no walls or hurts or fears will keep them from being.
 ~vhdc~
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 9
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:12:27 AM
Throw your hands up in the air and move on. For some, it's a comfortable place to be . They will eventually become emotionally available for the right person, just accept that the right person is not YOU. A not so subtle message, but nonetheless you are not the * it* girl.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:19:10 AM
I suppose some are scared but I think people mostly behave in ways that gets them what they really want, no matter what they say they want. To keep people at arm's lenght usually means they really don't want you to be any closer, not out of fear, but out of preference. If the right person came along, they'd be happy to let them in, but they aren't going to bring someone in just to not be alone. The more I think about this, the more I think it's people who always have someone or try to make lots of someones their partners, are much more scared that the emotionally unavailable as you call them. I think a lot of people pad their own egos by thinking someone is just emotionally crippled instead of seeing the reality that they've been rejected.
 eschec mat
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 11
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:21:35 AM
I think I have met not the right ones for me and not the right ones for them. But that has been all my life. That is what dating is about, getting to know someone. I think at this age you will find people that know a little more about what they aren't looking for in a person, so maybe it seems like it is scared, but in truth you just aren't what they want. When you do find someone, it is great.
 oblivion77
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 12
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:37:42 AM
You're right people are definately scared!
BUT - I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as the person who has those fears knows it, and states it up front.
I think that's just part of dating - getting to know yourself better as well as the people you meet.
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 13
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:40:19 AM
I agree. Lots of people are not capable of being close to another person.

The thread on personality disorders is related to this. Lots of people have personality disorders and they try to be in a relationship but just can't and end up causing a lot of misery for the other person who tries to love them.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 14
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:40:49 AM
Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love, OR maybe they don't have that much hurt left in them
having to communicate,OR are tired of being the only one trying to
having to be emotionally available ( so how redudant is that)
having to care,OR have cared too much in the past
having to empathize,OR would like alittle in return for once
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own,OR are done being a doormat.
having to be trusted, OR have had trust betrayed
having to be relied upon, OR have been used
having to be respectful, OR have been abused
having to recognize boundaries,OR have been controlled
having to be committed, OR have had committments broken
having to be expected or needed, OR are tired of others unrealistic expectations
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths, OR just want to be listened to.
having to make an effort,OR are tired of being the only one putting forth an effort
and having to think.,OR have decided to start thinking and stop letting emotions run their lives.

I am emotionally unavailable, by choice and after some amount of thought. I recognize that about myself and it is stated in my profile.
I lived most of my life being TOO selfless, to the point it has caused me great pain and misery. I'm over all that now but why would I want to open the door to it again. I can be a great friend to anyone, but the next "Love of My Life" is going to have to show me the deserve all of the above.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 15
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:48:36 AM
Sad that women who would never use and abuse you have to pay the price for others who did. At least you are aware of how you are, hopefully stating it in your profile will attract women who are also emotionally unavailable.
 northerndreamer
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 16
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:50:45 AM
You're right. That's why the go slow approach is best. You hold your heart close to yourself until you know the person better. And that takes time.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 17
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:53:09 AM
as I said slightly differently in a previous thread and confirmed by our dear Arabianangel and other outstanding posters:

Fear.

(insert any reasons or motives here)

The biggest blockade one can put on oneself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:55:37 AM

Nothing happens instantly.

First you need to be attracted to someone.

Then you need to spend time with them to see if you want to spend more time with them.Just because I am emotionally available doesn't mean I am open to every random stranger. It takes time to become part of my life and it takes a lot longer to become the emotional center of my life.

I think more people are ready for a relationship than not, but it has to be with the right person and at the right pace.

I suspect too many people are in such a rush to be in love and to be in a relationship that the person.

Well said.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 19
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:55:46 AM
I think some men say they are emotionally unavailable because they do not really like a woman but no one else is around so they date her until someone else comes along, but they are unable to be honest so use the emotionally unavailable line to supposedly avoid hurting her feelings. I would much rather hear the "I do not like you, goodbye", or whatever line than the "It's not you, it's me lie." There must be a lot of dumb women in the world and/or psychos who go berserk when the truth is revealed, since the truth is so difficult for some men to admit.
 Pamperpooch000
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 20
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:03:02 PM
I think you are talking about a lack of confidence in a person OP. This will always be a hinder to a happy relationship, but when it comes to mature, confident men and women this isn't the case, so to my mind this post is a little bit generalised towards the people who aren't yet emotionaly stable.
 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 21
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:07:02 PM
I agree that not everyone is for everybody and you may see things in a person over time that would make it impossible to be in a long term relationship with them, however, it seems with "on-line" dating people's guards are so far up they don't even give you an opportunity to actually get to know them. How can you build on something if your constantly dating different people every week!!!

Seems like guys only want to see you just long enough til they can get back home and find (what they perceive) to be "something better in their "IN BOX". What if people gave people more of a chance and took some time to actually get to know each other? People are so quick to judge now-a-days. EVERY FREAKING THING is a "red flag". You do one little thing that reminds them of their X and there outta there! We are all different. I am not your X. All this stupidity is keeping people from connecting and sharing good times with each other. I think its a shame that so many of us spend our evenings looking at this dumb computer screen instead of hugged up with a real live person. My hands could be much more useful if I had someone to use them on to caress, massage and love vs using them to type on this da** keyboard! People,,,, for Godssake make yourselves more available-- especially you MEN!!!!

I feel that I am a real "gem" and could make someone very happy but these fools I've dealt with don't even know it and haven't taken the time to discover all that I am. Its a shame! Sorry - I'm just really frustrated at this whole DATING GAME MESS!
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 22
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:09:29 PM
Beershark - wow, what a post...hit a chord with me, because we've all been hurt, used, betrayed, etc., in one way or another. And talking about scared - my biggest fear is that I'd let my fear win and refuse to be available...

Two sides of the same coin isn't it?
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 23
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:09:53 PM
So looking for perfection is something that emotionally unvailable people do? I have not been married, but have never constantly gone from one person to another, and have considered men for long term, they did not consider me. Some people do seem to be so ultra particular, but that it their right, and each to his/her own as far as what the other person must have in order for attraction to occur.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 24
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:10:22 PM

Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---

- having to love (or they DO show it, but because they don't VERBALLY include those 3 little words are labelled "emotionally unavailable")

- having to communicate (or they DO communicate and appreciate the value in it but are tired of the "read my mind" headgames that their SO plays)

- having to be emotionally available (how uber-redundant is THAT?!)

- having to care (or they DO care and care quite a bit, but because they don't care about the petty panderances and quests for validation of their SO they are labelled "emotionally unavailable")

- having to empathize (or they DO empathize but because they don't show empathy for lost causes or things of a trivial nature or have a "bleeding heart" they are labelled "emotionally unavailable")

- having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own (or they DO recognize other's needs but have been used so many times in the past that THEIR needs are discounted summarily by those that can't separate needs from wants)

- having to be trusted (trust is for suckers anyways...next)

- having to be relied upon (or they DO get relied on but all too often to the degree that their SO is more or less a useless do-nothing that wants everything done for them and to be catered to hand and foot)

- having to be respectful (or they DO value respect but seem to recall hundreds of situations where respect was one sided - and they weren't the recipient)

- having to recognize boundaries (or they DO acknowledge boundaries BUT these boundaries are forms of control and "forbidding" of people from living their lives their way)

- having to be committed (or they DO want commitment, but their partner is so flaky about their needs and wants that it's impossible to keep up)

- having to be expected or needed (or they DO feel needed and expected but this has now gone so well beyond mere simple need and expectation that it's now taken on the guise of dependence)

- having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths (or they DO deliver, but there's no longer a point because this is another one way street and they know it only too well)

- having to make an effort (or they DO make effort but sadly they are the only ones who do and that crap gets old in a hurry)

- and having to think (or they DO think but they are now required to do ALL the thinking for the couple which removes any culpability from the brainless and indecisive partner)


It ain't FEAR at all. It's called "awareness". BIG difference.

 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 25
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:17:41 PM
Trust me caramelsweetness, if they were interested they'd be all over you or at least be trying to meet you and date you and keep you. When they just are not that interested, don't waste your time wondering if someone done them wrong, etc., ti's really rarely that, it's that they have not found the person they are looking for and analyzing them won't make them want you. You may be a real gem, you may not, who knows, but until you are a real gem to a guy who wants to be with you and whom you feel the same way about, all the bytching in the world won't change men who are not interested in even bothering to see your gem-ness. Nobody is requried to want any of us just because we think it should be so.
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