| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:45:00 PM | Okay, so here it goes: I was in a long lasting relationship (lasting 10 years or so...). The break up was so-so, not good, not bad (i mean in a pshyco, ugly sort of way); but now i am finding that i have no idea how to date or what to say to a guy...at all. I guess you forget that stuff being in a relationship so long? Plus (and there is always a plus isn't there?) I dont feel super attractive anymore. I think it has to do with the fact that i was 22 when we started dating and now im 33--probably just a confidence thing...
2 questions:
how important are looks for a guy?
how do you talk to a guy?
Thanks | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:52:05 PM |
how important are looks for a guy?
When you find the right guy you will look good to him.
how do you talk to a guy?
Look at his face and talk. Remember we are not just eye candy we do have brains also. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:55:28 PM |
but now i am finding that i have no idea how to date or what to say to a guy...at all.
Maybe you are scared about how they are going to react or how they are going to judge you by what you say or that you won't live up to how you're "supposed" to date?
Tell them what you think. Don't tell them what you think they want to hear. Don't tell them what you think they think they want you to say.
I guess you forget that stuff being in a relationship so long?
Only if you were doing it wrong in the beginning IMO. Because it's not complicated.
You pick someone, and you meet in public with a planned activity (golf, bowling, movie, dinner). You partake in the activity. You go home. There's your date. If you don't feel like saying anything, then don't. Just enjoy the activity. If you feel like saying something, say it.
You met him there, so if you say something really really horrible it's not like he can ditch you. If he says something horrible you have immediate egress availability.
The only thing you really need to focus on (IMO) is his words and behavior reflect on him, your behavior and words reflect on you.
how important are looks for a guy?
Depends on the guy and what he wants from you.
how do you talk to a guy?
The same way you talk to anybody. Take lessons from how you talk to male co workers.
Or male friends. People are people. Act like one, they'll treat you like one. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:01:03 PM | I'm not a guy but... I was in exactly the same situation as you, got divorced, spent 1.5 years getting my head together and working out what I wanted and then finally realised I was ready to start dating again.
My only advice is don't start dating till you're ready (and you will know when you are) and try going on some 'practice' dates to get used to the whole 'making conversation with strangers' thing. (By which I mean, if you meet a guy you don't necessarily hit it off with, it might be worth going for drinks/dinner anyway just for the experience. I don't mean string him along or lie to him though).
In terms of your confidence - only you can make yourself feel good about yourself, so get an expensive haircut, buy some new clothes, get a manicure, do whatever you want/can afford that will help you feel confident. I'm sure (or I would hope!) that an average looking, friendly, confident women would be more 'attractive' than a stunning amazonian mega-**** with a chip on her shoulder! :)
What do you talk about - his job, your job, holidays, hobbies, the last film you saw, your favouite book, what team you support, what's in the news that day - anything and everything. The conversation either flows or it doesnt, and if it doesn't, there's not much you can do.
Hope that helps. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:28:53 PM | Honey, I'll be completely honest with you...
1. Looks are important to most men. We are visually stimulated creatures. If you don't feel super-attractive; join the club! I don't either. If it bothers you a great deal, do something about it. It's been my experience that a woman's self-esteem is often tied to her weight; not her face. And, for what it's worth, there are men that like different body types. Being honest in your profile about your body type is a big help (i.e. if you weigh over 200lbs., don't mark athletic unless you're 7'10''!). It will let guys that like women like you know you're out there.
2. SAY HI! DON'T BE AFRAID TO SPEAK FIRST! Ask them about their interests (if you dig sports, LET THEM KNOW), and stop telling everybody in the free world about your kids. I'm sure they're angels. I don't want to hear about your little darlings if I don't know your real name! Get to know him before you tell him every extreme diaper change!
3. Guys want to meet fun, interesting girls. Tell him what you're into. Listen, if he's into you, he'll start talking aboutthat right after you tell him.
Good luck. Starting over after a long relationship can be hard; I know. Let go of your fear & holler at some guys! What do you have to lose?? | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 2:12:10 AM | Looks are huge, of course. They're how we all make our first impressions. Doesn't mean they're the only, the most significant or lasting factor, but let's not kid ourselves and say anything other than ... they're hugely important for starting the conversation.
How do you talk to guys? No big tricks here. Just strike up a conversation about mutual interests. Are there any sports you like? Talk about the baseball pennant race or which team might win the Super Bowl. Watch TV? Discuss your favorite show. Seen any good movies? Read any good books?
It's all about sharing experiences. Find points in common and discuss them. That's all.
Good luck! | |
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OKRob
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Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 7 | |
| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:12:52 AM | It's the same for men after a long term relationship. The world changed a lot in the last ten years and so have it's people.
Don't dash around trying to be attractive to people. Attraction is either there or it isn't. Just be yourself and if you're appealing to somebody then great, it might work out :) | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:51:19 AM | HI and welcome to the pond!!!!
You are starting out great by asking guys and I will echo much of what they have said.
1. Guys are visual first then we move on and become attracted to other things. Age is cruel to all of us but I have been amazed personally at what a few simple things can do to make a woman or a man more visually appealing. 1. Your smile is very important so if your teeth suffer from years of coffee then see your dentist. In two weeks your smile will shine. 2. Weight is important. You don't have to be barbie but healthy is attractive so get active and the "shape" will come. 3. wear clothes that are attractive given your body type. and 4 MOST IMPORTANT decide that you look great and be yourself... that will make you walk differerntly, talk differently , and look much better.
2. Guys like to have fun so feel free to approach is with stuff on how we might have fun with you.
3. Lose all the drama. You have a past, so do we, learn and move on.
4. Laugh at yourself and seek guys that can do the same. It makes for a great date
5. Figure out your sexual boundaries. Sex is part ( a great part) of healthy adult relationships so expect that at some point guys will want to share affection. Sex on the first date is pretty stupid most would agree. Many guys though are very hard pressed to stay interested or patient after 4-6 months especially if you have become exclusive in dating just them.
6. Set your expectations in the right place. Some guys will respond to your first email. Some will ignore your email. It means nothing there are a million guys and many good ones. Just accept that some will be attracted to you and others may not. No harm no foul.
7. Get a profile review in that forum .
8. Participate in these forums (you are doing great!!!!)
9. enjoy the ride. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 5:55:20 AM | I am not sure if things have changed much except people have gotten heavier..... Sure looks matter....it opens the door and your personality and other traits keep you around... | |
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IQF
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Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 | |
| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:03:43 AM |
When you find the right guy you will look good to him.
True. But if you look good, there'll be more "right guys" for you. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 8:44:37 AM | I won't even talk about looks. It's been hammered to death. Your a woman, you know how to maximize.
As far as talking to guys. I am going to give you a special way to start communication. It is a secret so don't go spreading it with all your girlfriends and putting guys everywhere at a disadvantage. It starts with: "Hi" let him respond then say something along the lines or : I was wondering..., can you help me..., do you know ...., or so what bring you ....
Quality guys love confident women who can hold a conversation. Many guys do not communicate like women. Loose the unnecessary detail. If you are excited about getting a good deal at the mall we like to hear:
" I got a great deal at the mall today. I got XXXX for 30% off"
We don't want to hear.
" I went on my weekly trip to the mall for shoes. I was feeling a little depressed that I hadn't found any good deals all month. I usually find at least one 20 % off. You know how depressing it is when you can't find anything good. Well not good but good enough. So I was going and this rude driver cut me off. He almost made me spill my coffee on my favorite capris. The nerve of some people by the way kim says hi. Other than that guy the trip was uneventful. They need more parking closer to the front of the mall, I almost broke a heel on a drain. Did you know they were doing construction on main street.................."
Most guys are not that detailed in our conversations. We tend to be scarce with words and use them to make a point, only. There are times we embellish and/or lengthen a story but it is usually not as detailed. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 8:59:16 AM | Okay, so here it goes: I was in a long lasting relationship (lasting 10 years or so...). The break up was so-so, not good, not bad (i mean in a pshyco, ugly sort of way); but now i am finding that i have no idea how to date or what to say to a guy...at all. I guess you forget that stuff being in a relationship so long? Plus (and there is always a plus isn't there?) I dont feel super attractive anymore. I think it has to do with the fact that i was 22 when we started dating and now im 33--probably just a confidence thing...
2 questions:
how important are looks for a guy?
how do you talk to a guy?
Thanks
One question at a time:
How important are looks for a guy? Looks are important to all of us except those who have no eyesight. Let nobody tell you different. Of course, looks are not everything though. So, if you don't feel attractive, you are not happy. If you are not happy, you cannot make someone else happy. Figure out why you are not happy. Then get happy, that way you will not bring someone else down.
How do you talk to a guy? Use your mouth.
It sounds like you do have some self-confidence issues, and it's good that you are looking into them. No man wants to pull teeth in a conversation - "shyness" is not an attractive trait. But being out of your comfort zone is not good for you. Find the middle ground by starting slowly, but consistently moving in the right direction. I had a co-worker who would start her day with five quarters in her pocket. Every time she learned something new about one of her employees, she'd take a quarter from her right pocket and move it to the left. She wouldn't allow herself to leave for the day until she'd moved all the quarters to the left pocket, and thus, had five new conversations with people at work. Every time you go to a party, don't leave until you ask at least one person to dance. If you're at a bar with friends, don't leave until you shoot pool and have a conversation with at least one complete stranger. Every time. Find what works for you. Then do it consistently.
And most importantly, see it as an exercise. Don't expect to find a husband or a "nice guy" just because you initiated a conversation. Expect to find a conversation. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 11:55:30 AM | One of things that tends to happen when in a long term relationship is complacency. We get complacent about our weight, looks, conversation skills, etc. If you are back on the market, you need to rebrand yourself a bit. Hit the gym (also a great place to meet guys), break out the eyeliner and lip gloss, and dress up a bit. I notice in your profile pics that you are running around like you aren't trying to impress anyone, and that is exactly the effect you will have.
As for the conversation, just talk about things you know. Also, listen way more than you talk. I find that when I do that, people come back to me to tell me that I am a great conversationalist when in reality I am a great listener.
So to answer your questions, yes looks matter, but it is more an issue of how much you are trying versus what God gave you to start with. Have you ever seen Faith Hill without makeup, I have and she needs it.
And to talk to a guy (or a girl) listen to what they are saying without thinking about what you are going to say next. Respond to their comments, share about yourself as little as necessary without seeming evasive. And remember, communication does not occur in a vacuum. Their responses will drive the conversation. Also, body language is VERY important, more so than what is actually said. Think about what signals you are giving off.
Most importantly, get the heck back out there and have some FUN with it.
Good luck. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:41:36 PM | Well it's like riding a bike ....it won't take long. As long as looks are concerned ......
What we have to go by are a few words that probably sound like the previous or next ad anyways. Some might be more creative and stand out more. The only thing that really seems to matter are pictures so make sure you post your best ones. | |
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| Havent dated in 10 years....help?
Posted: 7/15/2009 11:04:01 PM | thanks everyone for your honest and interesting answers. I esp like the thing about the "dont go into too much detail" line with the poinent example...(i totally do that, dont mean to but i do)
To answer the last question, relationship lasted 9 years or so, just started thinking about dating again in the last month or so...
Again, thanks
L | |
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