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Posted: 7/15/2009 10:59:36 PM | If he is messaging you, obviously you have some of what he is looking for. I personally hate this questions because it is a way for the women to force compliments out the guy and get him to profess that she is what he wants. Also some use it to try and be what he wants.
Realize no one is perfect. So the person you end up being with will not be everything you are looking for over 90% of the time. This question goes along the lines of all the questions that break up relationships:
1. does this make me look fat
2. does this make my but look fat
3. if I were to die would you remarry
4. why don't you like spending time at my parents
5. where is this relationship going
6. other than for sex do you even like me
7. what are you looking for
I want a relationship to work so, I gotta stop asking those questions ...:) | |
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Posted: 7/15/2009 11:03:11 PM |
When do you feel it's the right time to be asked about what you are looking for?
Never. Because IMO it's a stupid question. It will only lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding.
How do I (other women) go about approaching the subject?
You don't. You focus on what YOU'RE looking for, and try to notice if it's in me.
I can't give you an adequate easy answer. You have to do the hard work yourself.
More than likely anything you put into simple, fallible, highly subjective words are going to be pretty meaningless based on my experience and the associations I've built up over the same words. | |
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Posted: 7/15/2009 11:26:02 PM | Yourself, and other women should be upfront about wanting a purely sexual relationship. Say it immediately; don't lead us dudes into thinking you're interested in the house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids...Our emotions are not to be toyed with! | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 3:40:27 AM | | There is an assumption in your question that we might actually "know" what we are looking for. Many of us are just fishing trying to sample different things to discover what we like. So you can ask us any time but our answers may (and probaaly will) differ as we gain experience. | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 4:34:54 AM | guys and girls aren't that much differnt, they just pretend to be.
Guys like sex, girls like sex
guys like companionship, girls like companionship
theres no 5 date rule, hell there are no rules at all. the only rules being used are the 'rules of the game' eg. dont call her for 3 days and such, these are used to feign a lack of interest so as not to scare her off and vise versa. So lets look at some truth:
Sex: If I have no interest in sex with you, I have no interest in persuing you. Harsh? Fact of life. Women are differnt? pigs fly.
Relationship: If I have an interest in sex with you, I may have an interest in a relationship with you. Note the word "MAY"...here boys and girls diverge somewhat sometimes as girls are more likely than guys for the relationship issue.
Marraige: ugg, give it a rest and see how it goes. I have no desire to be married again, did that once, served my 20. But even that dosn't mean that I can't develope the desire to be married again. But if you ask me up front bout marraige, the answer is NO!
Most people only have a vague idea about what thier looking for anyway, a lot of the time its a vague notion that can be standing right in front of them and they'll not see it so being asked "what are you looking for" is rather a stupid question which will generate an equally stupid answer. Better to pin it down, "do you like sex", "are you afraid of relationships", "how are you with kids", "if your here and my father is here, can you handle that".
If your going to base your opinion on the actual answer, your in serious trouble, its type on a screen, base your opinion on the personality typing the answers, and on the personality asking the questions from the other side, thats going to give you far more insight into who your talking to.
the when and how are moot, it matters little. If the opening email says "do you like sex", you tell me, does that say something about the person on the other side? If your talking for a while and find that your attracted to each other and the same question is asked, "do you like sex", same question, differnt time, different feeling, but there are no rules to it.
Stop the clock, read the person | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 9:40:08 AM | I ask immediately. How I ask depends on the conversation and sometines I've stated what I was looking for. For instance, I've asked if she was interested more in casual dating or something exclusive. When she said casual dating, I said no thanks. That took about three messages. I also make it clear I'm not interested in getting married and that I don't do ``friends first.'' So far, no one has ever become unfriendly or negative. I've had a few women who were evasive, but I just told them ``Thanks for your time.'' Some wrote back and became more informative. Some didn't.
You can't start out with the idea that the person you're talking to is ``the one'' and thrn tip toe around to avoid putting the person off. You have to take the approach that you're going to make sure you're on the same page with someone right away and if that person is put off, that person isn't for you. It's perfectly reasonable to ask what someone is looking for and tell that person what you are looking for without anyone being put off unless the person is trying to make you jump through hoops.
If a person won't tell you what he/she is looking for, assume that person is trying to find out how to be the person you want and will probably play you.
There is an assumption in your question that we might actually "know" what we are looking for. Many of us are just fishing trying to sample different things to discover what we like.
Telling someone that you don't know what you're looking for is still an answer. However, you must surely know what you aren't looking for. I can't see a reason to meet someone who can't tell me anything about the type of person who might interest her. For example, a woman who wants a guy who goes to church is NOT looking for me. A woman who expects me to date her for a month before having sex is NOT interested in me. A woman who wants me to deal with her dating lots of guys is NOT interested in me. What a person is looking for is not a list of very specific items, but a basic idea of what type of person is compatible. If a woman doesn't know enough about herself to have some idea of what she wants, I'm not interested in her.
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Posted: 7/16/2009 9:55:52 AM |
Why would the subject even need to come up? It seems pointless to predetermine how a relationship is going to go with someone based on what they think they want at that particular time.
Dude, women (well all that I've met anyways) have a predetermined ideal man from the moment they become interested in us....
My advice is if your predetermned criteria is set before you meet him, tell him right off the bat. | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 9:59:53 AM |
A well written profile on your part should ensure this question doesn't need to be asked.
Exactly! I mean, if both people aren't on the same page about what kind of a relationship they want, it makes no sense to start interacting.
Frankly, I'm surprised that ANYONE would get involved with someone, not knowing what the other persons objective/s are. Whether it NSA sex or LTR, you NEED to know that right from the start. | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 11:16:06 AM |
When do you feel it's the right time to be asked about what you are looking for?
Any "deal killers" should be brought up ASAP (E.G. thoughts on kids). Anything I think is critical I'll bring up before the first date, or on the first date. The less critical stuff I'll get to know over the next few dates.
How do I (other women) go about approaching the subject?
I generally find asking questions is a much better way of gathering information than just guessing. | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 2:20:35 PM | From the start you should ask, that way you both are on the same page in what you want. As for the approach ,mine is like a lead pipe straight and to the point .Why waiste time if you or he are not looking for the same thing's
lATER DATER'S | |
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Posted: 7/16/2009 3:01:08 PM | I do not think a person needs to know what they are looking for in terms of the type of relationshp right off the bat. For me personally the interactions I have with someone drives where a relationship is going to go in the long run. This is the same reason I do not put a list of "must not have or be", I let the interactions I have with someone determine that. If I have a great time with someone or we have great interactions what I might put up with from someone else I would tolerate with another person. It comes down to what works for the people involved at the time they are involved. I try to stay open minded along the way.
Of course communication is necessary to keep folks on the same page.
B | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 6:24:04 AM | This question is just "fishing" for new and interesting topics, when a conversation starts to "flounder."
Just like,
"What's on your mind?"
"So.. what's up?"
"How was work?"
"So what did you do today?"
...the issue with asking what you're looking for, is that it can be used as a screen play to act the part of a partner. Helpful hint, the less you have to think about this question, the better the conversation.  | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 10:59:57 AM |
When do you feel it's the right time to be asked about what you are looking for?
The right time (imho) is when you have seen each other enough that you are having deeper conversations about yourselves. Think about this - to make a plant grow, it needs a LITTLE water now and again. If you dump a gallon of water in a new plant, it just dies. Don't kill things before they are started... enjoy the romance part... why jump into things... smell the roses as they grow!
How do I (other women) go about approaching the subject?
Just as you would want to be approached... with respect, empathy, and honesty... | |
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