| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:32:47 AM | Hi all you chaps out there
I'd like to ask anyone whos been through a situation where their ex wife of years and years cheated on them and how that affected their ability to feel love in relationships after that
My ex boyfriend had a similar situation about 4 years ago with his ex of 17 yrs cheating on him , I met him a year ago and a year on he still couldn't connect with any feelings of love for me even though he says I'm wonderful / sexy /the perferct match for him and there's nothing he doesn't like about me.
he has ended our relationship and is soon starting therapy to try to shift this block - I'm wondering if this will work or whether we are just not right for each other
Any relevant experiences / advice much appreciated
Lx | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:38:25 AM | Yes dear i do love differently after the major hurt stuff.
For starters i first direct any love feelings to myself to know i love myself enough. That makes sense to those of us who have been with major F overs.
Or try this...i must LOVE myself equally as much as whoever i may think i love. | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 5:17:13 AM | | I know you asked a "guy" but I must say that Bubbais51 is right on with his comment about loving oneself. A major hurt can really do a number on my ability to trust again and my self esteem can get damaged unless I have a strong inner core of love. That's always been a tough one for me. I appreciate your post, it really made me think about this. I'm sorry you've had to go through this breakup, no one can tell you what will happen in the future, but do try to be good to YOU. Good luck! | |
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OKRob
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Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 5 | |
| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:42:55 AM | I have only had one long term relationship and since I am now 36 you can probably be left to imagine just how long it was but.... She didn't cheat which means I have no experience of somebody cheating on me.
The only thing that comes anywhere close to bad treatment by a partner is 2 players in 2 dates from this site. But it wasn't cheating, just lieing.
Wish I could help more. | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:11:47 AM | | I have been cheated on by an ex (he was promptly dumped and not given a 2nd thought), but anyway what he did (which was due to his own personal issues) further cemeted my own perceptions about cheating and made them stronger than they already were (that it's unforgivable and there's no excuse for it). So in future relationships, it still will not be tolerated and there are different forms of cheating (in person and physical, online). Unfortunately, I learned about cheating young as my own father chose to cheat on my mother, which ended their marriage (his choice). Have I forgiven him? When hell freezes over! | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:34:46 AM | | I've never been in this situation, but many people are afraid to let the wall down that they have built around them. He needs to work out his issues and move on. It is unhealthy to hold on to the past, because he will never be able to m0ve forward. Give him some space and time will tell. | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:48:28 AM | It does indeed, and he is doing the best thing by getting some help. I'm finding that even the idea of dating at all is causing some anxiety; it may be a long time before I'm able to be at all "emotionally available" to someone else, much less myself.
So no, it's not that you weren't right, it's what's going on with him. | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:05:14 AM |
he has ended our relationship and is soon starting therapy to try to shift this block - I'm wondering if this will work or whether we are just not right for each other
IMO, right now you aren't right for each other. In fact, he's not right for ANYONE at this point. However, the fact that he is willing to get counseling and work on it IS encouraging. I was in the same situation 20+ years ago and it wears on your self esteem and can leave you bitter, but I addressed those issues and was able to resume dating without holding any grudges, etc. So NO, I don't love any differently now than I ever have. I enter relationships with a clear head and optimistic/realistic expectations.
OP, I would imagine that it has to be pretty hard on you to be held accountable for the actions of his ex. If he actually took that into consideration, he might look at you differently. Carrying around those bitter feelings for 4 years is completely unhealthy for him. Regardless, let him work on the issues he has and see what comes of it.
Good Luck! | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:15:26 AM | Two marriages ended because of cheating, she not me in both cases. People change over time and things she (they) liked about me changed I guess.
I didn't take it personally but realize it is human nature to deal with all these things differently. Feel comfortable with the fact that he ended it. Now get back out there and find a real Mr. Right and do not wait 12 months for some signs of affection.
If you aren't holding hands and kissing by the 3rd date then cut and run. Life is too short to be propping up other frail people's problems. Well, I guess unless you enjoy that kind of self-suffering. :D | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 9:26:08 AM | You got a few really good answers. Knowing yourself first is really good, but staying away until he gets these issues addressed was great. Being emotionally unavailable for a serious relationship isn't a good thing for either party. Being a great friend and just being there to talk if needed is good as well.
Good luck!! | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:42:08 AM | been there, done that. Sounds like it is too early for your guy... he needs to get over it, and build and re-establish his own self esteem. Once that happens, then he is ready. After such a long relationship, it will take time... lots of time and honesty with himself.
For me? I have a strong personality - and it still took a lot of time. Will I love again openly, and honestly - of course. I know who I am, have re-established my confidence and self esteem...
For your part in this, you don't want to be the rebound of course, but you also don't want to be his shrink, or his 'rock' as he moves through this, you don't wand to be the transition woman -- unless you want nothing more to be friends. He needs to heal first, if not he will just look at you as a 'shrink' instead of a perspective partner. Also, it is very likely once he is healed, he will move on from you - as you will remind him of his pain.
For him, it will be hard and long road -- I am sorry for you that the timing sucks for you.
If you want a relationship with this man, let him find some other woman for him to transition with.... and keep in touch enough for when that does not work out for him, he may be ready for you... good luck...  | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:58:45 AM | I have not been cheated on (that I know of) however, I was in a LTR with a man whose ex cheated on him. The conversation of trust came up and that is where I discovered we differed. He said, "Trust is earned" and I said, "Trust is given freely, until its abused", which is what happened to him in his prior relationship...so I was expected to earn back that trust that was lost to him. Thats when I knew he was not ready for a LTR with me.
OP - I feel for you. The relationship did not make it. He never did understand about trust. And he was always looking and checking up on me because he just knew he was going to "catch me"..which is what ended it for me. The fact that your man is willing to go to therapy is a positive sign and shows that there is still hope of a healthy relationship.
Good luck to you | |
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| Do you feel love differently after you've been really badly hurt ( cheated on)?
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:12:03 PM | | Your question is different to the title so im gonna answer both :D . Title: yes i feel love differently now than i did before being repeatedly hurt, but its less that it feels different, more how much it means to me. For example before love would be the most important thing, now however it comes second on the list after trust. As for your intopic question, that block will always to some point be there reguardless of the counciling, it can be made better but it will still sit at the back of things, if your willing to work through that with him then yes its worth holding hope on but again that is all down to what you believe your limitations are, | |
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