| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:51:11 AM | | My bf & I have been together for a year and 2 months! Its long distance but we have made it work so far! Lately I feel like our relationship has been unbalanced and I have been doing a TON of kind things for him & have been very supportive of him after he lost his job but he does not do anything in return.. we talk a lot less than usual and he just doesnt seem to put in an effort anymore! I have expressed these feeling to him and he just gets defensive and argues! I just dont know what to do to get that spark that we once had back! | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:15:44 AM | He's depressed and upset he is out of work.
Throw the boy a bone, understand he is emotionally in a very different space and that the 'spark' will be different.
No relationship should be a question of I did this now you do that. That is what work is, we work and every week they pay us and things are even.
Most men equate who they are with what they do for money to a certain point, he's scare, unsure and anxious right now. How about being supportive without expecting him to act like everything is normal, because for him right now being out of work is abnormal and he is struggling to find his footing.
The last thing he needs in his ear right now is someone he cares about saying they aren't getting what they need. Sometimes relationships are not 100% equal, one partner may need more than the other at any given time, this is the time you are supportive and find out what he needs and stop being the knat in his ear about your needs.
And I want $20 million dollars, short of winning the lottery I will need to work for it, Sister you want the spark back, start making the spark. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:21:50 AM | | It is easy to be loving and understanding during the great times, the true measure of a strong relationship is how one responds when the going gets tough. Sounds like your BF has a little more on his mind these days. If he is worth the effort, stop looking for him to be reciprocal....that is not what a relationship is all about. The things you are doing for/with him appear to be conditional on his reciprocity. Cut him some slack, maybe he just cant afford to anti up these days and is more concerned about paying his bills than supporting a princess. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:25:34 AM | I don't think you can make progress by looking backwards. The 'discovery' stage can be absolutely magical and you can't recreate it simply because of the element of discovery involved. The relationship matures into something that goes beyond the magical romance portrayed in so many books and films. Can it still be magical? It can, but it's different - a steady, happy togetherness, sharing, attachment. He is bound to be defensive because you're expressing a wish to recapture a time that has passed - and he doesn't have a time machine. He may be afraid that you will move on because of it.
Since you can't stay in the romantic 'discovery' phase forever or even make the magic of the most romantic story sustain you forever, you have to accept the joy of having found what you wanted, rather than living on in the joy of finding it. It's great when you find the perfect house, but unless you actually plan to live in that house and make your life there, what does it mean? It'd be exciting to land your dream job, but what does it mean if you can only enjoy the moment of winning it and not what lies beyond? The media is somewhat responsible for creating this mindset in us. We're shown again and again the joy of attaining something -- the first kiss, the first confirmation that feelings are returned, the marriage proposal... and what follows is not celebrated. We only know that we 'should' be happy and that the level of initial excitement cannot possibly be sustained in the face of the mundane demands of life. And it's natural to feel a sense of loss or failing as we have what we wanted but not the feelings that went with the first moments of getting it.
But if you think about it logically, perhaps you'll be able to accept that your feelings can't stay forever on that excited high. Your partner becomes - family - your companion with whom you can travel through life. It's different... you don't have the excitement of discovering him for the first time and discovering that he cares about you -- you have the constancy of his companionship and love in your life. And there will be moments, perhaps many moments, when you look at him and realise how lucky you are; when you discover new depths and heights to love - and above all you have this irreplaceable someone. It can be easy to allow the person to become furniture - life can get in the way of connecting again and again. I think the trick is, valuing what you have -- something beyond the fairytale -- the 'happily ever after' that no-one ever writes about -- perhaps because it's too unique to any pair of individuals, perhaps because it's too mundane for an outside eye to appreciate. Making time together is important and knowing what each one of you needs from the other is even more important. Perhaps you need reassurance -- I find that I do. Hearing how loved you are may help you see that there is more to his being with you than just routine, even though it looks like routine. Look for the things that work, the moments of happiness, the things you appreciate about him...
Love is about going through life together, not just looking at each other. No person on the planet can be fascinating and exciting forever if you concentrate on them that hard -- but they can be the one who loves you and is there for you and whom you can love and be there for -- and that's what you were looking for, wasn't it? Not just the magic of a a few short moments, but a life-partner. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:29:49 AM | Sorry to break the news to you Msskarly, but your boyfriend is starting to think the relationship is too much work, when a man loses his job , most feels really powerless, things pile up and relationships(love) tend to be on the back burner.
Expressing how you feel just adds more pressure to him, you've said it you're doing a TON of things, he's not putting in the effort RED FLAG #1, He's getting defensive and argues RED FLAG # 2, the relationship is unbalanced RED FLAG # 3.
Look its not your fault kiddo, that is the card that was dealt to you, my advice is Leave him alone for a while, ( resist the temptation to call him, email him, text him ) what ever.... let him do the chasing, let him find is worth, if he cant see it in you, he's not worth it.
Its going to be hard and it will hurt for a bit, but its better to see where his head is at vs you going along and putting all the effort in and him dumping you or worse, disappearing on you to get away from you.
Does that make sense? | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:52:15 AM | | I second Abbicci's post. Guys often feel out of sorts when they're unemployed, it's silly, but they do. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:58:08 AM | Ever hear the expression that a relationship is 50-50?
Well it's not!
It's 100-100, and some days one has to give 120 or maybe 140, as the other just can't give more then they can give. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 11:11:31 AM | msskarly, the boy has lost his job....I'll go out on a limb here and say he's
probably not in good spirits.
He's stressed and quite honestly, and I don't mean this to sound as harshly you might
take it, but, you seem a little self-centered because this VVV statement below jumped
out at me:
I have been doing a TON of kind things for him & have been very supportive of him after he lost his job but he does not do anything in return..
You do things for those you love and expect something in return? Really? Like what?
If he'd have wanted to "do anything in return", he would have. When I do things
for the people I love, I do them because I want to, not because I expect something
in return.
He's lost his job and right now he's probably thinking of when/where he will get
another one and you are worried about getting spark back and arguing with him
about it.
Darlin' lighten up a bit on him till he gets back on track. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 11:17:13 AM | Maybe you should lay hard to get for a while. If he cares about you he will be in touch and will realise he needs your support. It sounds like you might be a bit overbearing on him when he is feeling down. He might also feel inadequate and a bit embarrassed to talk to you and until he finds a job, you just need to to be there for him when he needs you. The "spark" will probably be back when he feels good about himself.
Good luck,
Adam | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 11:18:06 AM |
You do things for those you love and expect something in return? Really? Like what?
I really just wish he would say that he loves me or throw in a thank you for all the money & support I am giving him.. I really dont feel like I am asking for much! I just feel very unappreciated! OH and I apparently forgot to mention that this behavior has been going on for weeks & he just lost his job yesterday so it was happening before he lost his job! But you guys are probably right and I should lighten up now given the circumstances! Thanks to everybody who wrote so far  | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:41:04 PM | I'll just add I think you're learning the difference between sex and love. It is hardly likely during this learning curve that you would already be with someone you love, though presently I believe you still define it as sex. Sex with no relationship worries, a return on investment, quid pro quo, that's love, right? Uh, no. That's tabloid marketing. Get a job son, or I won't love you.
Since you probably got together over sex, and you might even marry, this is probably not the same guy that in ten years you'll be referring to as your love. That's okay, most women give up on this and concentrate on the kids, entertaining little fantasies of Matt Damon walking into a bar and actually wanting someone who can't tell the difference between sex and love.
Very few people find true love, or even look for it. Even retrospectively most define it as an early sexual encounter that was never properly explored. Somewhere between early sexual encounters and paying off a house most choose convenience and social pressure, totally determined to call that true love. Prepubescant girls who have little concept of sex probably have the best philosophical concept of love, they and middle aged spinsters about two weeks before menopause with a truckload of regret.
Long story short I didn't see any description of your relationship other than it was convenient, and now it isn't. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:51:48 PM |
I just dont know what to do to get that spark that we once had back!
"when the chips are down, the true test comes."
give him some space and let him sink for a bit. in his time, a flame will burn under him and not only will that fire compel him to earnestly seek & find new employment, he'll return to you with new shining armor! | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:56:32 PM | I imagine he's feeling some depression and some self-esteem issues. Your nagging about him NOT meeting your needs or doing any of the "little things" to make you feel better - probably make him feel MORE like shit about himself, when he's already feeling pretty crappy.
Men really do not need women nagging them about how crappy they are being - generally they are already beating themselves up.
At a time when your man needs your support and understanding and compassionate silence MOST - you're wondering why he's not sparking things up for you?
Think about it. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/31/2009 10:05:36 PM | This guy sure comes with a plate full of issues doesn't he? I recall another thread where you were asking about his situation with his X and the child she won't let him see. How is that going so far?
You can't make a person act more loving by being more loving. All you can do is decide whether or not you are willing and able to tolerate the stuff that you aren't getting from this relationship.
I see a downward spiral progression in the posts you've put down about this man. Caution! Red flags are imminent.
Defensive and argumentative where there is genuine need for reassurance and consideration is NOT a good signal.
From all I've heard of this guy so far, I think you're in for some heartache. | |
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| I want that spark back
Posted: 7/31/2009 10:09:15 PM |
He had a baby with a girl who left him and married a new guy and put his name on the birth certificate! Long story short he has barely seen his daughter for the past 2 years! He has mentioned before that the mom gets jealous when he has a gf bc she wants him as a backup plan! Well now she just got a divorce and Im so worried she will come around asking for him back! We have talked about it and he says he doesnt know what he would do and hopes hes not put in that situation bc on one hand he would be with a terrible woman but see his daughter everyday and on the other he would be with a woman he loves and have to still wait around for the money to get court fees to get his daughter! AND he's unemployed??
Wow--What a catch! Every woman's dream! 
You should be less concerned about the "spark" and more worried about your future-- if you're smart it won't be with him. | |
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