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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > why do men push women away after a parent's death      Home login  
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 maryanna68
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 1
why do men push women away after a parent's deathPage 1 of 1    
After six month of my boyfriend father passing he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. The entire six month he pushed me away. We dated for 5 years and I thought we had something. I know the grieving is different for everyone, but is it normal for your significant other to push you away? He is now my ex - and that is why I am on here and just want to date. I just want to understand men...
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 2
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:28:03 PM
Uhm ... because it is a major life event. Whenever a major life event happens, people usually re-evaluate their life and see whether they need to make changes. Maybe he came to the conclusion that you aren't the one for him. At the very least, he probably wants to be alone to think things out. We aren't 100% sure since we are not him.

I lost my father suddenly last February and my mother is on the last stages of breast cancer - I doubt she will live out the year. I know what he is going through. At the very least, he needs time to think.

Now I'm not saying that you need to hang around like the faithful ex waiting for his return. Frankly, I suggest that you move on with your life and try to find someone new. When he get the magnitude of everything behind him and gets his head screwed back on straight, maybe he'll look you up. If you are still interested at such time, you may want to consider it.

However, at the end of the day, it is probably better to move on and let the future hold what it may. I wish for you the best.

edit: And after reviewing your profile, I think we're all entering into that period of our lives where this happens. Sometimes guys go out and buy sportscars trying to recapture our youth. Personally, I just grown to accept it, but it took a while to think things through by myself when dad died, and it will probably be a little time to think things through once mom dies. That is the sin of growing older - people around you die.
 ~charmed~
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 3
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:57:57 PM
I don't think it could be said any better...

I would move on... I think after being with someone for 5 years he should have asked you to marry him but that is just me... he took a good look at life and made his decision.

Sun Devil I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Father and of your Mother's health. It is our age. It is the time in life when these things happen.

~Charmed~
 jbking2
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 4
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:12:46 PM
If you really want to understand men, it would take tons of courses in things like psychology, sociology and some anthropology which is more than what most of us here could provide.

Or is it that you merely want to understand one man? In the case of your ex, Sun Devil's explanation covers a lot of the basics there. If the ex was close to his father then losing him would cause him to make some big changes as that part of his life is over, while if he wasn't at all close there is the loss of making things right or reconciling that he may be mourning more than just the loss of his dad. Another possibility is that seeing what his father left behind, perhaps he didn't want to have someone hurt by his death which is an odd take but I could picture some people having that reaction.
 jimmorrison4
Joined: 3/8/2009
Msg: 5
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:34:31 PM
You're asking about one man, so I don't understand why you used "men" in the subject line.

Are you sure his father dying had anything to do with wanting to end the relationship with you?
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 6
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:58:33 PM

Sun Devil I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Father and of your Mother's health. It is our age. It is the time in life when these things happen.


Thank you for the kind words. In retrospect, I was just glad to have them for the period of time that I did.

On topic, I'm not saying that all guys must abandon their girlfriends to properly grieve for their parents. I don't think that I would abandon a girlfriend since I do agree that commitment has to stand for something as well. However, it is a like-changing event, so I would understand if some guys do decide to change course.
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 7
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:39:49 PM
I think maybe when we lose a parent or someone very close to us, we tend to examine our own mortality and sometimes make some necessary changes. As difficult as that may be. Take stock of our lives and future.

Men tend to grieve privately, not allowing women to see their pain. It's the old stereo-type,"Big boys don't cry"...Thankfully showing grief is far more acceptable in this day and age, and men aren't considered weak if they show emotion in circumstances such as losing a beloved parent .



 Dance_Between_Giants
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 8
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:53:36 PM
What makes you think this had ANYTHING to do with the death of his father? Why would it be six months? Why not a month or two months?
And I don't think it happens to every bloke who loses a parent either LOL

I think you're searching for a reason as to why he stopped loving you... but there isn't one {well, there probably is little niggly things}. Anyway, my advice is mooove on!!
It's like they say "Love ends, then begins again"
 Jackal123
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 9
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:57:54 PM
Realize that the passing of his parent was most likely just an excuse to "not love you anymore". I know you want to attribute his behavior solely to his father's passing, but in reality he would have likely fallen out of love with you regardless.
 DemonDingleBerry
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 10
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:58:02 PM

is it normal for your significant other to push you away?

It may be for him. It depends on how he was raised, and how he really saw you.

Maybe he's the type of guy that doesn't want to mess up his self image, so doesn't want you to see him as "weak."

Maybe it's a significantly traumatic event and he's scared of change so he's pushing you away to get you to make a stronger commitment or test yours so he has some security that your relationship won't change. Even after trauma. And if it does, then it's better he got to know it now rather than something even more traumatic.

Maybe he was just looking for an excuse to push you away, and now he can blame you for not chasing him when he needed you most so the "breakup" is now your fault when in his head he was broken up with you years ago.

Maybe the trauma of change caused insecurity and he needed you to validate him, IOW help fill in or find something to replace how his parent made him feel.

Maybe you pushed him away but don't want to acknowledge that you instigated it so you see his response to you pushing him away as him pushing you away, or pulling himself back. Or he pushed you away, and you chose to pull back exacerbating the problem

I don't know him.

It's normal for people to constantly test where they stand, and who they are, in their relationships.
And it's normal to blame others for our mistakes. Not saying you made any, just saying it's normal.
 LD44
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 11
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 3:23:43 PM
Yes some men get weird after a parents death. As for me I was very young when I lost both of my parents, but my older brother was just waiting, he only stayed married because he knew it would break my mothers heart. I am more then sure it's his loss I say take time to find yourself and move on their are plenty of nice guy's who would love a pretty lady like yourself
 bbwhmk
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 12
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 3:56:25 PM
Something along these lines happened to me although the relationship was just starting...no 5 years in.
I understand grief and let him call the shots and we tried to keep up things until he got sick and just disappeared (long distance)...and I wished him well and missed his friendship most of all. But I moved on.
Then a year and a half later he popped up on my msn..I was shocked. We talk now atleast weekly. I'm very happy that he's back in my life even if its just as friends. He did indeed make alot of life changes and is in a good place. Now I have a very dear friend back and I've moved hopefully to good things.
Grief is a powerful thing, and its best to just let people deal with it in their own time and offer support if they ask for it. But another poster is right don't put your life on hold. Keep going forward don't get stuck.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 13
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why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 4:11:06 PM
People deal with the death of a loved one in many different ways.


The entire six month he pushed me away.

Sorry to read that OP.
I was with my S/O (who is now deceased) when his mother passed away and 10 years later when his father passed away and I found the complete opposite to be true. So, no, I don't think that's normal.

I really hate to say, but I don't think your b/f pushing you away had much to do with the passing of his father. Some people take a good hard, in-depth look at their lives after a death of a person who's very close to them and make decisions. It would seem that your boyfriend made one where your life together was concerned.


I just want to understand men...

It's not a "men" thing, it's a human thing.
 jasrobi
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 14
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why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 4:24:40 PM
wow............... this is a new generalization!

I can't even come back with "Oh yeah, well why do WOMEN push men away after a parent's death" because of how silly it would sound.

My parents haven't died yet (knock on wood), but if the worst happens, I think I would want my gf with me during that time, and if I didn't, then I probably didn't want to be with her to begin with.
 mynameispaul
Joined: 12/29/2004
Msg: 15
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 8:05:53 PM
Two possibilities:

1. He wants to be alone in his grief. Some men are like this.

2. He's depressed and the depression is part of the reason he's pushing you away. My ex-g/f had depression and she did the same thing. They really don't know they're pushing you away most of the time.
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:23:24 PM
I remember when my brother died... I really did not need my first ex-wife adding "extra stress" to the situation.

When a life changing event like death happens it reminds you how precious life is... It is normal for someone to re-evaluate the choices they are making during the short time we have to wander the planet. It may sound harsh but If you take more than you give don't be surprised if you're left on the roadside once this evaluation has been completed...
 ~~~ Piano4te ~~~
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 17
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:26:44 PM
Just re-iterating what a few have said....

OP.... Men are fairly conditioned, and slightly pre programmed, to express their "grief" in very different ways than women. Most are conditioned to not even technically be allowed to express it at all. It's as old as the ages....women are believed to be the sole 'emoters' while men are basically told to 'suck it up'. Most will go 'inward' as a result, and push people away..... but it's ultimate manifestation, if not taken care of through effective grief counseling methods, becomes 'anger'.

I was talking with my ex wife last week. We've been apart for fifteen years. She went on to remarry and then have four boys. I learned through the phone call that she is leaving her husband in two weeks. He lost his mother two years ago, and another member of his family shortly thereafter. She mentioned that he is always angry, that he goes around saying things like "it's not fair that a woman that good was taken away"....etc. He gets angry about her church involvement. He won't seek counseling, guidance, etc. Pretty classic stuff. They've been together for eight years.... but now suddenly... because of a loss, she's now wanting to leave during this time. I told her that she was making a big mistake....

OP.....You are in the medical field. And as a son of a nurse educator, surely you would have had to have taken some psych 101 classes in your curriculum?

If he's pushing you away.....there is, in a slight likelihood, that what he's REALLY wanting you to do is............to stay. He may not exactly not know HOW you can help... And if you are expecting him to deal with it the way YOU would.... you would also wind up being counterproductive in him getting rid of his grief. Some people also, after a traumatic event, make a decision that their path up till then was wrong, and they wish to then alter it and go down a different path. Only you know the situation you're living in. Maybe he DOES want out with you... But, in most cases, when a loss like this happens, there becomes a disconnect and a 'clog' in the emotional pipeline. It takes PATIENCE to wade it out... Most people these days simply do not have patience anymore. They want "immediate recovery". Doesn't happen......

I will say this.... These are the times when "LOVE" shows it's true colors these days. If any person thinks that the successful couples, who made it forty, fifty, and sixty years, DIDN'T have loss that they had to grieve over or overcome, whether individually or jointly, during that time........you're sadly mistaken. They didn't make it that long because life was always SWELL. They made it because they believed in the simple concept of........"this too, shall pass".

Best of luck....maybe something to ponder....
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 18
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:09:20 AM
My dad pushed away his ex-girlfriend and it all started after his mother died.

He said he didn't want anyone, outside of his boss, to have to "answer to." Hard to say what that meant, but I know he wanted to quit doing drugs and such and his ex didn't. He put her through some school, then after she didn't want to work or get even a remedial job, he used that as an excuse to bail on her. I think he just wanted to be single. Now, he's all alone and actually likes it.

Why the sudden change? Well, like some posters have eluded to, men express it differently than women do. We are usually shown from a young age that crying is "weak" when in fact its sometimes just what we need to do.

All you can do is move on. The couple I'm talking about were together 8 years.
 Mustang065
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 19
why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/19/2009 6:39:54 AM
Uhm ... because it is a major life event. Whenever a major life event happens, people usually re-evaluate their life and see whether they need to make changes. Maybe he came to the conclusion that you aren't the one for him. At the very least, he probably wants to be alone to think things out. We aren't 100% sure since we are not him.


Great answer. I can't think of a better one for this subject. I have seen circumstances where a loved one has died, someone feels guilt about the death(for whatever reason), and they punish themselves by destroying everything around them that they love. But most often the reason is that the person thinks about their own mortality, and does a re-evaluation of their own lives. Usually this type of evaluation is superficial and doesn't last very long.
 Bubbais51
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 20
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why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/19/2009 6:51:01 AM
Your topic question suggest that this is something that happens on a regular. You are the one that said men push away women after their parents die..so okay..write a book..BTW...who told you this????

He is pushing you away because he doesn't want you, same as several women pushed me away that didn't want me. Okay? Stop inventing unreal epidemics.
 Hakuna_Mutat0r
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 21
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why do men push women away after a parent's death
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:13:26 PM
Death of a parent is one of the most emotionally traumatic events in your life, and the resulting depression can make you a different person to be around. I honestly don't think you can generalise in these situations. I was single when I lost my dad, and I did lose interest in starting any relationships for nearly two years afterwards. If I was with someone, I may have really appreciated the emotional support, I don't know.
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