| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:36:09 PM | This guy and I started hooking up casually since half year ago and it was all cool... until I felt a little more serious about him. One night he ditched me to party with friends when we were supposed to meet up and I completely lost it (also under the influence of alcohol) so I initiated "the talk". He said he didn't want a reltionship right now and would rather see things develop naturally between us than to push hard, I admitted I like him but I wasn't ready for a relationship either. I just wasn't looking for a complete booty call situation and would like to see him more often. And he was like no its not like that and promised we would see each other more often. From then on we did hang out on a few daylight occasions and he'd sometimes ask me to come along when he's out with his friends. These sessions always end up with sex at his place of course, but I feel like he is at least making the minimal effort (if at all) about what I said and I wasn't expecting more at this stage.
Now another 2 months have passed and we're more like FWB I'd say... like I'd feel really comfortable hanging out at his watching dvds on a weekend afternoon and there are always a lot of cuddling and chatting. I see him only once or twice a week, he works out of town a lot so I figured this is the most time he is willing to dedicate to me. Like during other days we seldom text or call.
I like him a lot and certainly have my downtime thinking about where this is going. The only reason why I'm satisfied with the current arrangements is because I know I'm not up for a relationship right now I still have my issues to figure out so this is really the best I can get for now, and so is he. My only question is could things really develop between us and if I take things slow, could this turn into a real relationship somewhere down the line? I geniunely admire this guy and think I could have a lot more to offer and I don't mind showing him... my efforts to him right now are limited to fancy lingerie and dirty texts cause they seem like the only appropriate ones in the given context. Or should I be bothered to let him see the other sides of me? | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:45:58 PM | well well well, OP. It seems you're not in a preferred situation.
My only question is could things really develop between us and if I take things slow, could this turn into a real relationship somewhere down the line?
weekend hook-ups for a 6 moths? perhaps one weekend, you don't give him the goods? see what happens then. But you said you're not ready for a relationship?
maybe you should take some time off and fully realize what you want? | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:01:53 PM | It's unlikely this will develop into anything more.
But - why should that impact you now?
If you're content and you know you are NOT ready for a relationship.
And he is content.
Why rock it and mess up a good thing for you both by asking questions?
Sometimes, it is what it is.
You can enjoy it for both of you for what it is, or? You can wreck it by mixing it up with muck.
You aren't wanting the muck - so let it be. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:05:27 PM | Well not all times ended up with sex...but it was real good so I make "excuses" after dinner to initiate most of the time as well lol. Am I sending him the msg this is the only thing I'm after too? As if he cares...
I know taking time off is a good idea since I'm not ready for a relationship anyway. But taking time off means letting go completely and its hard... isn't there a way to make things right while I figure out on my own...? | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:08:34 PM |
my efforts to him right now are limited to fancy lingerie and dirty texts
That says a lot about where you are as a couple.
If you have your "issues to figure out," is there a chance that after you figure them out, you won't want what he offers anymore.
You are a young guy's dream. Casual, sex guarantee every time, FWB, only there once or twice a week.
Question is, are you getting anything out of it? If the sex and cuddling makes you happy, great. Keep going to your heart's content, but don't expect this to turn it a more intense relationship.
If he works out of town a lot, there is a great chance he has another FWB somewhere. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:48:19 PM |
So he treats you like crap, you are nothing but a booty call and he's rarely taken you out in public or daylight
How did he "treat her like crap"? This was the arrangement that the OP wanted and entered willingly. He is doing exactly what he said he'd do, and what the OP willingly agreed to. It's not a "booty call", it's a weekend f*** buddy arrangement. He's showing up every weekend, not being erratic, or encouraging her to feel, or believe, that it will be more.
OP, sometimes people who are regular sex partners do develop deeper feelings. Sex can be very emotionally bonding. The thing that's confusing, in terms of answering your question, is that you say yourself that, because of unresolved issues, you aren't "ready" for a real relationship, so until you've made progress with your issues, and this meets your needs for now, why lose yourself into the "what ifs?", before you're ready. When your issues start to resolve, you'll be in a different place emotionally, and may not want this particular guy in your life. If you do, you wont be in the same "place" you are now with your emotions, and he may perceive you as someone he could see having as a relationship.
There are too many variables, really. Yes, it "could" become something more, but usually this sort of arrangement does not. No one can tell, until you change the things you can by making progress with your issues. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:53:17 PM |
But taking time off means letting go completely and its hard... isn't there a way to make things right while I figure out on my own...?
taking time off means exactly that == taking time off
it doesn't mean anything permanent. go time some time off, i.e. two weekends of not seeing him, to sort things out. then, if you felt those 14 days were enough, go see him again. if not, take more time, i.e. another week. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:59:02 PM | I'm sorry I read the OP and just heard a lot of white noise. It was sort of a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, no wait, more like a screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.
I'll try to translate.
wah wah wah I'm a drunk wah wah booty call wah wah wah these jeans make me look fat wah wah why can't I find a decent relationship
And the answer is: just be you, even though he's not interested. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:06:17 PM |
ounds just like my ex, he did the same thing to me too
Did what "to" her? This arrangement, according to the OP is consensual, and satisfactory to her. Why would she start playing games, and change the deal? All that would accomplish at this point would be that he would likely stop seeing her, which would be fine, if that's what she wants. It doesn't sound like she wants to stop seeing him. It doesn't sound like she's ready for a real relationship now either. She just wants to know if, when she's ready, it "could" become something more, at some point off into the future. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:23:57 PM |
This guy and I started hooking up casually since half year ago and it was all cool... until I felt a little more serious about him.
Ahhh yes... nothing like the can I get out of the Fcuk buddy status and become a girlfriend...
Short answer: NO
Long Answer: NO NO NO
Oh yeah, if you've only known him a halfyear... he's not a FWB you're his fcuk buddy.... | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:34:07 PM | You entered a circle that you fuel yourself by your misplaced hopes and desirs.
His methods might have changed slightly to reinforce the illusion you have created, but remain the same in the end. You have admitted that what ever the situation comes to bare, the conclusion is always the same: sex at his place.
What ever game he is playing, no matter how he plays it, you always let claim his price in the end.
So the choice are yours: live in illusion and spread yourself wide; or gather what ever self respect you might have and found yourself a real man who is willing to share his heart with yours, for how long it may be.
Brutal answer maybe, but so is your reality. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 3:18:22 PM | I think you do want a relationship OP.Why else are you posting.You accepted crumbs in hope of getting the full loaf.Your lover is in it for sex only, he does not take you out or do couply stuff with you.Wants minimal contact with you.No calls just dirty texts.
If you have issues and dont want a relationship, it would be much more healthy to be alone, work on yourself and become emotionally independent.Is a relationship like this healthy for someone with issues.IMO it is very damaging.
Did you tell him what he wanted to hear just to be in his life , even a little.You sound a little emotionally involved, he definitely is not.I see pain in the near future for you.
Cut your losses here, wish him adieu and work on loving and respecting yourself.I find the whole fvk buddy concept, which is what you, are demeaning and injurious.. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 5:23:41 PM | | If he says he doesn't want a relationship, take him at his word and step away. If he decides he wants a relationship, he'll let you know. If he decides he still wants booty calls, he'll let you know that too. They always do. However, if you're not ready for a relationship, why are you pushing him for anything other than what you already have? What exactly is it that you want? Him to say he'll be ready when you are? That's just wrong.. nobody should expect someone else to commit if they aren't ready to either. I think you need to look at this rationally and decide whether or not you're willing to always be the booty call. That's where you are and that's where you'll stay as long as you allow it. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 6:14:47 PM | | I agree with everyone - I don't think it can turn into more. Also, I think that this sort of thing, even though it feels good in the moment and seems worth it, actually insidiously messes with your mind way more than you ever anticipate. You may think you can handle it, but everyone thinks that until they develop bonding feelings (a natural biological response to having sex regularly with someone) for someone and they don't feel the same way and care so little about you that they are still willing to use you for sex even though he knows he can't give you more than that. Cut it off and don't even stay in contact would be my advice. It's like giving up a drug. Go cold turkey, and make it a clean break. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 6:43:14 PM |
they are still willing to use you for sex
How is she being "used" for sex, anymore than he is? They both agreed to have an ongoing sexual connection over weekends, and that they weren't going to have a relationship. No one is being "used". No one was deceived. No one is being "treated like crap". It's what she said she wanted, and what she has. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 6:47:49 PM |
Or should I be bothered
Out of alllllllllllllllll you wrote...THAT'S the only thing that makes sense.
Should you be bothered?
Sex is great but you've put yourself into a situation that is a no win. No one DID anything to you--those who say "oh poor girl is being tricked" obviously didn't read the last part about her and lingerie and dirty texts.
A man will only do to you what you allow him to do.
You can continue to be bothered by this guy if you want. Just don't come back crying when he tells you he's marrying the good girl he's not slept with baby. | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 8:10:50 PM | op...since you are already what if-ing...what happens is someone comes along with whom you might be interested in having a relationship? When this person comes along, all of a sudden you will be ready to try...
do you continue on with your "friend" because of the sex while you are finding out about this new person?
Do you spend friday's with the new guy and saturday's with the old guy and sundays doing your laundry?
do you drop the old guy and focus on the much better potential of the new guy?
how do you explain one guy to the other guy?
Ask...what if?
I agree with the other posters that say it sounds like you are more involved than he is or than he wants to be. Even consensual arrangements can be harmful... | |
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| When he says he doesn't want a relationship... could you at least still place some hopes?
Posted: 7/18/2009 8:48:37 PM |
if, when she's ready, it "could" become something more, at some point off into the future.
Thanks everyone, but let me clarify some points before we go on...
1. I made it clear to him although I wasn't ready for commited relationship I was expecting something potentially more meaningful, and he is aware of that so I don't think he is doing anything wrong or treating me like crap.
2. I'm not sitting in the corner crying asking why he's not coming around. I like the sex a lot and I'm sure he does too. We do hang out sometimes during the day and with mutual friends and he didn't mind showing some intimacy with me when they're around... he'd let me know when he's going out of town so we could meet up for dinner before he does. This is exactly what I told him I wanted.
So my question here really was I know where we stand but I now see this guy as a potential boyfriend material and if it is still ok to get onto the right track with him or is it too late? Even if it is... it does not mean that things will happen right away and I'm still working on my issues as well. I just want to know if there is a "chance" somewhere down the line and if so should I detach myself from the booty category right now | |
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