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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:13:20 PM | I was in a relationship for three years with a man that I loved dearly. He has so many wonderful attributes (he is handsome, college educated, and can be sweet, funny, just a great person) but the one evil in his life overshadows all the good. He is a crack addict. Apparently he did crack before we got together, and hid it quite well when he first moved in. Before long he was basically smoking crack out in the open in my home.
I asked him to leave all the time. He wouldn't go. It was an abusive relationship that was somewhat physically abusive, but definitely emotionally and psychologically abusive. It's so hard to love someone so much, and see that person over taken by such a horrible addiction. He didn't come home (again) one night and I called him from work the next morning and asked him to get out of my house. This time he actually left. He ended up finding a way to his mom's house in a neighboring state about four hours away. Although I asked him to leave and knew it was for the best, I was devastated. I've never loved anyone as nearly much as I loved him. I'd held out on hope that he would quit doing drugs. He could have been the man of my dreams. In a way he was my addiction.
This man and I had been intimate for years and never used protection. He swore he couldn't have children. Three days after he left I was feeling queasy and tired and dizzy. I thought it was from grief (I was truly tore up), but got my calendar out and couldn't believe I was nearly a week late. Went to the dollar store and bought a pregnancy test. Positive. Went back to the dollar store and bought two more tests. Positive. Postive.
I called him and told him that I was pregnant. He swore it couldn't be his. In his drug induced paranoia, he was constantly accusing me of cheating on him. I never once cheated on this man. His accusations were a constant, especially in the later stages of our relationship. I cried and begged him to come home (knowing this was not what me or my child needed). I already had a son that I was raising on my own, and I swore if I had another child it would be with my HUSBAND. But this man could not be my husband. He was married to his addiction.
The baby came and to my surprise he actually went through with the DNA test. 99.999%. Of course. He still made no attempt to see his child. I was obsessed with the idea that he absolutely HAD to see this baby. Maybe if he saw our son he would change his ways and miraculously decide he could be a family man after all. When our baby turned one, I drove four hours so that he could see our gorgeous child. I got a motel room (at this point this man was basically homeless and living in the streets) and he spent maybe 3 hours with us in the two days that I stayed there. He had other priorities that belonged in the streets.
I rarely talk to him. But he has been calling three or four times a week for the last two months just to ask about the kids and to talk. He called tonight and said he is coming into town for a week or so. He says he's staying with his friend, and hasn't asked to stay with me but I fear that's where he will end up. I was never good at telling him no (obviously). I'm nervous. He must have a motive, but what?
I know that everyone says a child needs a father, but I'm not so sure having my son's father around is a good thing. He tells me he no longer does drugs, but I've heard it from him before and he was lying. I'm a very emotional person, and sometimes the logic of a situation is lost on me because of my feelings. In a perfect scenario, I would like to have my son's father in his life. But how do I prove the drugs are no longer an issue (he'd never agree to a drug test)? And even if he is drug free, our past is so ridiculous, I'm not sure we could ever rise above it.
I guess my question is...Although, a child needs a father aren't there some situations that are exceptions to this rule? | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/18/2009 11:25:03 PM | YES! There are exceptions to that rule!!! Do what's best for your child. Even if it means leaving the dad and not letting him see her for a while. Make sure he is clean. Put a stipulation on it that he has to be clean for a certain amount of time. I don't allow my daughter to see her "father." She just turned one on the 3rd and has NEVER seen him. He doesn't want to, and I don't want it either. My ex is raising her up as his own.
But, do what's best for your child.... | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 12:41:46 AM | Perhaps what jla has said. Go to your lawyers and see if it's possible to have a stipulation whereby he can only have visit's after he has been drug tested to be clean.
I'm not sure if this is even possible, but I wouldn't want him anywhere near my child if he is still using. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 1:36:00 AM | | Well, I say let him see the child under your strict supervision. He may honestly be trying to make a change. I wouldn't want to be judged on past mistakes if I was trying to make a change (just trying to put the shoe on the other foot). It is his child and maybe he see's the err of his ways. If you observe him and if you see a sign of drug use or an outburst of some sort, end the situation quickly... and make sure it's in a public setting. I hope this helps and good luck! | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:41:12 AM | There are always exceptions. I am a mother of two sons who haven't seen their father in over four years. I was married to their father and he developed a terrible addiction. So bad he completely stopped working, and started wasting away right before my eyes. I was holding down a night job and caring for my small sons during the day, while he blew all our money on his addiction. I tried to no avail to get him to clean up his act.
Sometimes you can't save someone, but you can save yourself and the small children depending on you. It was the day after Christmas when I packed his things and escorted him out of my home. I made efforts for six months afterwards for him to maintain some sort of relationship to my sons, ages 3 and 8 mos. at the time. I was broke and left with amassing bills and rent past due, but I still went out and bought food so he could feed the boys when he took them for the day or night.
I was so concerned with my sons having a relationship with him, that I made that mistake. He emotionally twisted my oldest son up, was abusive to the little one, and continued to do drugs and put my children in danger. I showed up one Saturday, he was down to two days visitation a month, and he was high as a fukkin kite and ready to unbuckle my son from his seat. I took one look at him and told him to get fukked.
He called for a while after, and I told him when he cleaned up his act he could see his children. That was over four years ago. My sons are six and nine now, and very healthy, happy, emotionally adjusted little boys. And while a father might have been a great thing in their life, it wasn't what they were meant to have.
They are better off not seeing him. He is a waste of a man and still screwed up on drugs, out there, sad to say,reproducing more babies to screw up. But I have what's worth anything, and I'd not change walking away and I'll never feel guilty for removing the negativity from my children's world. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:44:11 AM | Yes, and an active drug addict or someone who cannot seem to stay on the wagon with any regularity is someone that should not be with you child.
Tell him that if he stays clean for a year to call you then. Then you can talk to him and if he continues to remain clean make a decision. For now, I would cut off all contact and put the ball in his court. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:56:31 AM | In my opinion, if he really wanted to change then he would. Drugs are a very hard vise to break away from, alcohol as well. When my ex and I started dating I was in my mid 20's and I dabbled in the drink and occasionally smoked weed (that was over 12 years ago) She had a 4 year old girl and I knew that if we were going to be together I had to make a choice. Well, 12 years later I am not missing any of my "old habits" and I am successful being a sober person! I never needed help, just a good woman to come my way and show me some light.
OP, You can't force the guy to be a good dad, you can only pray that he comes around and does the right thing. I know for a fact that if you hound him to quit he never will. But if you let him do it on his own, he may. You can get what they call "supervised visitations" to allow him to see his child and maybe give him an idea of what he is missing out on. If he ever wakes up, he will be glad that he did! | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:25:36 AM | You can not 'make' a person quite addictions of any kind. The person with the addiction has to make that choice themselves, when they feel the time is right to kick it. Sometimes they never do and die in a gutter or somewhere. It has to be their choice otherwise they will just relapse straight away or do it behind your back.
Drug tests you ask?
If you can acquire some of his hair (maybe jokingly pluck a hair or two from his head) you can have this tested for drugs. This is a way that some parents test their children without them knowing. Other than that, dream up some way to obtain some of his urine.
Or simply tell him that you want a test done before you start to allow access.
Remember, your a mother now and you need to harden up for your children's sake and do what is right by them.
Personally I am one to promote access for both parents. I believe that both parents have the right to raise their children and have a relationship with their children.
But, drugs like crack, ice, etc. can cause major disturbances in a person and I would be careful in your decisions especially if you claim that he is abusive. It would be different if it was just smoking a joint here and there..
I would suggest that you avoid having him come to your house to begin with, rather, plan to meet at a public park or somewhere where other people will be present. test the waters and see whats going on. Maybe have a friend or family member come with you.
Everyone deserves to be given a chance to right their wrongs. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:56:55 AM | But how do I prove the drugs are no longer an issue (he'd never agree to a drug test)? And even if he is drug free, our past is so ridiculous, I'm not sure we could ever rise above it.
I guess my question is...Although, a child needs a father aren't there some situations that are exceptions to this rule?
Only someone LYING about being off of drugs would refuse a drug test. Period, end of story. Of course there are exceptions. Who in their right mind would subject a child to an abusive crack addict?
If you understand the brain chemistry of addictions, you can see why it is so difficult, even almost* impossible in some cases, for a person to overcome them.
I said ALMOST, so please don't even go there. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 9:57:51 AM | My best friend is a recovering addict. She used for 20 years. She's 34 now. She's been clean for 18 months and a week!!!!!!  She's going to school. Has custody of all three of her kids (to the same man, her ex hubby) and she's worked out an agreement with CYS and her ex sister in law for her to take the oldest (almost 16). My friend's teen is way too much like her for mmy friend to handle right now. She feels bad about it, but also knows that its either that, or use again. All three of her kids are happy, well adjusted. Well, as much as a teenage girl can be... The boys are young, 5 and 7. They are doing very well. Dad still uses, but he's on something similar to methadone, the blocker that some addicts use. I don't think he will ever be to the point his ex wife is now... Clean for 18 months, about to have her own apartment (she's been in a CYS run home for parents like her. It helps them get clean and get their kids back), she's going to school for medical assistant, and just doing FANTASTIC!!!! Our friend and I tried so hard to get her to clean up. She would for a bit, then relapse. She "wasn't ready." She was 18 months ago, and now she is reaping the benefits of her decision. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 10:10:50 AM | That's cool, jla. I'm not sure what your friend was using, but there is a 3% success rate for recovering from crack. 3%. I'm not holding out on hope that my ex is one of that extreme minority of people. I have to be realistic.
To top off the addiction, he has been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And that's one huge reason he won't agree to a drug test. The whole world is out to get it him, and surely I'd be setting him up for something. He can be very creative with his conspiracy theories. I'm not sure I buy into the schizophrenia. I just think he's paranoid due to the years of crack use. I wonder if schizophrenia can be drug induced? It's like, what came first the chicken or the egg?
He states that he is now not using drugs and on medication and in therapy for his disease. I just have a hard time believing him because he is a master manipulator. I'm sitting here now kinda hoping he's lying about coming here. It's hard to say with him. He did say he'd be here today though. I'm nervous. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 10:40:59 AM |
I guess my question is...Although, a child needs a father aren't there some situations that are exceptions to this rule?
A child also needs a mother... which YOU are not being...
Exposing your child to a potential crack addict, that you have admitted to being unable to say "NO" to... without backup... either legal or muscle... is NOT being a mother... it is being an enabler... naive and easily manuipulated at best...
You should have placed guidelines and rules. Not wait and see where he's going to end up.... Did you give any thought to the possibility that if something goes badly... a domestic disturbance etc with him( a known crack addict ).... Child protective services may come in and assess the situation and take your kid from YOU....? All it takes is a case worker deciding YOU endangered your child by allowing the situation.
You know, it's not too late to start thinking for once in your life... | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:09:22 AM | Yes, there are exceptions to the rule.
If he is genuine, he would have no issue proving his sobriety.
I myself and trying to make myself a better person by being more openminded and giving people chances, but the line is drawn when it comes down to the possibility of one interfering with myself or my childrens well-being.
Moreso my children, as i am one of those protective mother bear types.
You shouldnt have to prove drugs arent an issue, HE should be stepping up to prove drugs arent an issue. He doesnt? He either could care less about his child, or is on drugs. Perhaps both.
Mchurch made a good point, you wouldnt want to inadvertently enable your child to be epxosed to the lifestyle of an addict.
What if he got in a wreck because he was driving under the influence, thus killing your child?
Or some dealer he owes money or drugs to shoots him dead in front of your kid?
Better to move forward and live life as a happy one parent home.
Many Blessings
The photo of you and your baby is beautiful, One can see the love between mother and child. DOnt let some shmuck addict get between that. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:13:36 AM | m_church.... F@ck you! My son's father has only seen his father one time, six months ago. I live to protect my children a$$hole. You think I'd let him use crack around my kids? DO NOT tell me I'm not a mother to my kids. That, by far, is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. I work for the STATE, and am well aware of the penalties for having that behavior could result in? The man is coming for a visit, not to f@cking move in, stupid.
My life has done a complete 180 since he left. For the better, of course. I have financial stability I did not have when he was around. Not to mention that I have peace of mind and clarity without him around.
Good grief, he's not going to pull up in front of my house high on crack yielding a gun trying to shoot me and my family down. You watch too much TV. I know how to handle myself very well. And, again I live to protect my kids. Any visitation with my son would be supervised.
As far as thinking for once in my life, I'm far more informed and educated about this addiction than you, I guarantee it. Do you think I'd throw my kids to the wolves? | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 1:46:36 PM |
m_church.... F@ck you! What an excellent and well worded rebuttal...
It goes so well with you calling me "a$$hole" and "stupid"...
The man is coming for a visit, not to f@cking move in, stupid.
Oh... I must be stupid because earlier you wrote:
He says he's staying with his friend, and hasn't asked to stay with me but I fear that's where he will end up. I was never good at telling him no (obviously).
You think I'd let him use crack around my kids?
Did you not previously write?:
Before long he was basically smoking crack out in the open in my home. So to me that would imply that YES, he just might smoke Crack in front of your kids... | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 2:13:57 PM | | He's a crack-head his motive is to manipulate you to get at a minium of $20 for his hit. He will lie to you to get it. Something like let me get some dipars, you give him money, then poof. I've had my experiences with addicts. They aren't to be trusted. I would contact social services to see if they have a supervised vistiation program so he can see his son, and you can be confident that he isn't using while with your boy. Don't let him into your home lest, you want Child Protective Services to investigate you. To answer the general question the answer is yes, there are exeptions. This is from a single dad. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:42:06 PM | | No, actually, I didn't imply that used crack in front of my kids. In my home at times in the past (over two years ago), yes, around my kids never. I'm actually quite through with arguing. My calling you an a$$hole, stupid and saying F@ck you, stemmed from you telling me I am not a mother. Which was an illogical statement. But narssistic people usually go for the low blow to build themselves up. I allowed you to push my buttons and I responded like a child...you hurt me and I lashed out. I forget that people like you judge, belittle, and take emotional digs at others. You don't know me, but let me inform you that I am a devoted and loving single mother who works day in and day out to provide for my children without any childsupport or state assistance. I have made a lot of tough decisions to provide a better life for my children. I continue to grow as a parent and a human being. I hope the same for you. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:43:58 PM |
There are always exceptions. I am a mother of two sons who haven't seen their father in over four years. I was married to their father and he developed a terrible addiction. So bad he completely stopped working, and started wasting away right before my eyes. I was holding down a night job and caring for my small sons during the day, while he blew all our money on his addiction. I tried to no avail to get him to clean up his act.
Sometimes you can't save someone, but you can save yourself and the small children depending on you. It was the day after Christmas when I packed his things and escorted him out of my home. I made efforts for six months afterwards for him to maintain some sort of relationship to my sons, ages 3 and 8 mos. at the time. I was broke and left with amassing bills and rent past due, but I still went out and bought food so he could feed the boys when he took them for the day or night.
He called for a while after, and I told him when he cleaned up his act he could see his children. That was over four years ago. My sons are six and nine now, and very healthy, happy, emotionally adjusted little boys. And while a father might have been a great thing in their life, it wasn't what they were meant to have.
They are better off not seeing him. He is a waste of a man and still screwed up on drugs, out there, sad to say,reproducing more babies to screw up. But I have what's worth anything, and I'd not change walking away and I'll never feel guilty for removing the negativity from my children's world.
This is so awful! I am so sorry this happened to your family... if you don't mind my asking, why did he start doing drugs? In hindsight, was there anything you think now was a sign he was going down a slippery slope?
You should not feel guilty for leaving this man. That is no example for your children, and obviously you knew your family deserved better than that and you couldn't help him. I hope he gets over his drug addiction and comes to make amends with you and your children.
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:42:56 PM | Bosoxfan:
I suppose in great part this may have been my own undoing. I was 19 when I got pregnant by him, and we were very caught up in the alcohol/drug scene. But a pregnancy for me meant it was time to grow up and live properly. And that meant no more getting high.
He didn't give it up so easily. He stopped most everything, but still kept his Friday nights out with the boys doing whatever he pleased. I really didn't push the issue. He was working and keeping his partying to that one night a week.
He lost his job at some point and that's when he started spinning out of control. It went from one night to two, three, four. He denied vehemently I was being 'dramatic', until I was marking the calendar with red x's every day he did drugs... and the time went by the calendar was mostly red.
There was no saving him. it went from street drugs to pharmaceuticals, prescribed for his 'bad back'. And so on so forth. I tried and tried, but there was no getting through. And so it was the worst kind of living for a long time. Eventually, you let go.
But I always say to myself, that the man I married was the man I left. The signs were there that he would never give it up. I had convinced myself otherwise for the sake of having the 'family'. Still, I have no regrets and you just have to press forward.
And, the boys are kick a$$ little kids, I can't imagine the world without em. =D | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:49:03 PM |
I suppose in great part this may have been my own undoing. I was 19 when I got pregnant by him, and we were very caught up in the alcohol/drug scene. But a pregnancy for me meant it was time to grow up and live properly. And that meant no more getting high.
He didn't give it up so easily. He stopped most everything, but still kept his Friday nights out with the boys doing whatever he pleased. I really didn't push the issue. He was working and keeping his partying to that one night a week.
He lost his job at some point and that's when he started spinning out of control. It went from one night to two, three, four. He denied vehemently I was being 'dramatic', until I was marking the calendar with red x's every day he did drugs... and the time went by the calendar was mostly red.
There was no saving him. it went from street drugs to pharmaceuticals, prescribed for his 'bad back'. And so on so forth. I tried and tried, but there was no getting through. And so it was the worst kind of living for a long time. Eventually, you let go.
But I always say to myself, that the man I married was the man I left. The signs were there that he would never give it up. I had convinced myself otherwise for the sake of having the 'family'. Still, I have no regrets and you just have to press forward.
And, the boys are kick a$$ little kids, I can't imagine the world without em. =D
My friend Angela went through this same exact thing. They never ended up getting married, because he got fired and went down the drug spiral. She gave him an ultimatum and he picked the drugs. Now he's married to this crack-head who has 7 children with 5 guys.
It breaks my heart to know that drugs really have that kind of power over people. Maybe with age he will get passed it, I know it seems unlikely, but it's always possible.
I think you did the best you could to try to stick by the man you loved and the father of your children until he was completely gone, then you did what you had to... moved on. You're an amazing woman! | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:58:24 PM | Hmmm, sometimes I question if I did really love him. I found myself involved with a man during my 'let's get high and not give a damn' days, but when that life dissipates, what really is left of a connection?
I was with child, and having grown up with strong family values, I thought it only proper to marry the father of my child and try to create a family. I suppose I grew to love him through the years, but it faded fast when anger took over.
But yes, it does amaze me the power of drugs and the weakness people have for them. I can't imagine forsaking my children for the 'high' of a drug. I honestly can't. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:28:13 PM |
Hmmm, sometimes I question if I did really love him. I found myself involved with a man during my 'let's get high and not give a damn' days, but when that life dissipates, what really is left of a connection?
I was with child, and having grown up with strong family values, I thought it only proper to marry the father of my child and try to create a family. I suppose I grew to love him through the years, but it faded fast when anger took over.
But yes, it does amaze me the power of drugs and the weakness people have for them. I can't imagine forsaking my children for the 'high' of a drug. I honestly can't.
I'm also sorry you and your children had to go through all of that pain. When you got pregnant you had a big incentive to get clean, because you wanted to have a baby, and you had to be healthy to carry a healthy baby. Sometimes for the man, especially a young man, they don't have the same incentive you do to get clean. Maybe the man doesn't want the child to the same extent that the woman does. Even if he did, it isn't his body that will be doing all of the work, so once again the man doesn't have the same incentuve to get clean as the woman.
Just a thought. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:31:20 PM | Interesting futureshock. When I got pregnant, it was I angry for my own carelessness, and I who had no interest in having a child so young. In fact, it took me almost the whole pregnancy to adjust to the idea. I knew having a child meant no more partying and I certainly wasn't ready to give that up. Let's just say I diodn't want to grow up. =]
Naturally, I did because I know what's right. But in fact, he was 5 yrs older, and wanted a baby. It was he who insisted we have it and it'd be great.
I swear sometimes he planned it... ;) Nonetheless, it was I who did the right thing and him who faltered on the path of life. | |
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| What a Tangled Web I've Woven
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:15:55 PM | | A girl I go to school with had her daughter VERY young. She was only 15. She'd planned on giving the baby up for adoption to a member of Dad's family. But once she saw the baby and held her, she decided to keep her. She had her baby for 2 years before Dad turned jacka$$ and took her for custody. She now has the baby ever other week. She's also getting ready to take Dad again. Different people react different ways to parenthood. I grew up a little bit when I had my son. I didn't completely grow up til I had my daughter. I started drinking when my son was about 2 and went down hill from there til I got pregnant with my daughter 2 years later. I very rarely drink anymore (2 twice in 2 years). I can't imagine my life without my children. I love my son dearly, but my daughter saved my life. I hate to think about where I'd be today if I hadn't had her... Just between us and the world I guess, she's the best mistake I ever made... Parents that got pregnant unexpectantly know what I mean... | |
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